How to Improve Communication in All Kinds of Relationships, According to Experts
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Want to bicker less with your partner? Or perhaps you need pointers on navigating tricky conversations with family or coworkers. We’ve gathered experts in everything from politics to prose to solve your most pressing communication conundrums. Now for the good news: Forging better bonds is not as complicated as you might think—sometimes it’s even as simple as a well-timed joke. Read their responses to a few pressing questions.
My partner and I are at each other’s throats more than ever. What can we do to break out of this cycle?
Husband and wife team Peter Pearson, PhD, and Ellyn Bader, PhD, cofounded the Couples Institute in Menlo Park, California.
PEARSON: When I see couples who have been together 20 years without a cross word, I think, Can this marriage be saved? The people who grow in relationships are willing to test each other.
BADER: When you learn how to repair your partner’s hurt feelings, to give when it isn’t convenient—that’s when you’re building the emotional muscle you need for a truly intimate partnership.
PEARSON: You have to ask each other questions and listen to the answers without personalizing too quickly. Not “Why are you doing this to me?” but “Let me understand why you believe this or want that.”
BADER: One of my favorite lines is “Can you be curious instead of furious?” Pretend you’re a reporter doing an interview.
PEARSON: Ask your partner, “What does this really mean for you?” Relationship conflicts can trigger painful memories from the past—of rejection or abandonment—and that’s when a person gives you a 50-cent response to a 10-cent stimulus. If you’re really stuck, there are three words that might be more important than “I love you”: “Maybe you’re right.”
Is there a way to offer helpful criticism without sounding like a harpy?
Shore up goodwill.
Your positive comments should outnumber the negative ones by a healthy margin. Don’t expect people to value your criticism unless you’ve first surrounded them with love and respect.
Strike while the iron is cold.
All criticism should be offered with kindness, not anger.
Ask for a specific behavioral change.
Your loved one is less likely to respond defensively if you say,“Please call me when you’re going to be more than 15 minutes late”instead of “I can’t rely on you.”
Keep it short, and don’t exaggerate.
Stick to three sentences or fewer, and don’t tell the person they’ve done something “a million times” when it’s really three occasions. They’ll only want to correct your distortion—and won’t hear anything else you say.
Psychologist Harriet Lerner, PhD, is the author of Why Won’t You Apologize? Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts.
How can I defend my beliefs without losing my cool?
“When I became a political commentator, I looked for a refresher course in persuasion. Unfortunately, Thank You for Arguing: What Aristotle, Lincoln, and Homer Simpson Can Teach Us About the Art of Persuasion, by Jay Heinrichs, had not yet been published. (I highly recommend it.) I did stumble across the Monty Python “Argument” sketch (“This isn’t an argument.” “Yes, it is.” “No, it isn’t.” “Yes, it is.”), which sounds a lot like our current political discourse.
I approach every argument as if I’m trying to get out of a speeding ticket: with humor and respect. I listen. And when things get tense, I pretend I’m in a restaurant, debating what to order. Public policy isn’t coleslaw versus french fries, but persuasion starts with respecting that there are many valid choices. Another trick? Slow down. Powerful speech can come in at around 120 words per minute; angry or nervous speech can be about twice that. When all else fails, make a joke. There’s no better tool for reaching across the “I’ll.” Yes, I just said that. A little pun, even a bad one, goes a long way."
Donna Brazile is a veteran political strategist and former interim national chair of the Democratic National Committee.
I'm really ticked off. Do I have to be forgiving?
"In the past, I’ve had several difficult personal and professional problems that have left me feeling mad, victimized, and obsessed with a few people’s General Awfulness.
This is what hell feels like: to be obsessed with a generally awful person who isn’t even aware of the turmoil he or she is causing. Heaven is to have forgiven—or to have forgiven-ish, the best you can, for now. When your heart is even slightly softer toward that person, and you are less clenched and aggrieved, you’ve been touched by grace.
Grace is spiritual WD-40. It eases our way out of grippy, self-righteous stuckness. The question is, how do we avail ourselves of it?
I’ve learned that if you want to have loving feelings, do loving things.
I’ve learned that if you want to have loving feelings, do loving things. We think we’ll eventually figure something out, and get over the grudge, and that this will constitute forgiveness. But it’s the opposite: We take an action, and the insight follows. Any friendly action will do; intention is everything. We show up somewhere knowing the person who aggrieved us will be there, and we go up and say hi. If the person is a relative, we ask for help with the dishes. (This is very subversive.)
Any warm action will yield the insight—life is short, and Earth is Forgiveness School. All my resentments have been healed.
That doesn’t mean I want to have lunch with those people, but my heart has softened, which is a miracle. One person still judges me, and bears false witness against me, but thankfully, that is not my business or my problem, because I have chosen freedom. Nothing is more wonderful.”
Anne Lamott is the author, most recently, of Dusk, Night, Dawn: On Revival and Courage.
What can I do to get my family to talk to each other?
“There are actually several simple changes you can make around your house to encourage conversation.
Try dim lighting, which can make people feel relaxed and safe, so they may open up more. Circle sofas or chairs so everyone is facing one another instead of side by side. And make sure the chairs are cushioned. One study found that people are more accommodating when they sit on cushioned surfaces. My wife and I will have difficult conversations on the sofa and family meetings at the breakfast table, which has padded seats.”
Bruce Feiler is the author of The Secrets of Happy Families.
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