Yesterday, the gods of the entertainment industry blessed the world with the best news of all time: Gossip Girl is officially getting a reboot. More than a decade after the premiere of the OG series, HBO Max plans to introduce us to a brand-new group of horned-up youths who will probably be doing wildly unrealistic things all over the Upper East Side with a wildly unrealistic amount of money. It’s going to be perfect.
Obviously, there are MANY ways to celebrate this incredible, fantastic, life-altering news, but out of respect for all parties involved, it feels most appropriate to take a walk down memory lane. Specifically, we need to talk about WTF happened in this old promotional poster, because there are QUESTIONS that need to be asked. Lots. Of. Questions.
First off, I’m going to need you to take this thing in...in all its glory. Give yourself a minute. Make sure you get a solid look at each person.
Okay, now that you’ve done that...onto the questions.
Why is everyone’s hair blowing in different directions?
I mean, there are probably only two answers to this question. Perhaps Leighton Meester, Blake Lively, Taylor Momsen, and Jessica Szohr each have their own personal mini Beyoncé fan pointed directly at them? But it’s more likely that someone (who probably assumed nobody would be analyzing the hell out of this pic in 2019) photoshopped each individual in from other takes.
What—and I cannot stress this enough—the fuck is going on with Taylor’s hair?
It’s so...wide? It’s so...fluffy? I don’t even know how to comprehend this? I’m also having flashbacks to the scene-girl days on Myspace. I can practically hear My Chemical Romance playing faintly in the background.
Is Penn Badgley okay?
Like...what’s happening with his lips? Is that a smirk? A smile? Seriously unsure.
Why is Blake wearing gloves?
In fact...why are any of them wearing gloves? Are they supposed to be sexy waiters? Are they about to do crimes? Any reason her arm is in that position? Also, my god, I just noticed she’s wearing a ring over her glove. Can that cause...chafing? I am officially spiraling.
Why does Chace Crawford look like he just had a quickie?
Listen, I get that “sex sells” and that’s exactly what The CW was trying to do with literally every piece of Gossip Girl promotion...but why does Chace look like he just slid on into this group shot after a quickie? Normally, I’d assume it was a lil bar bang with Serena, but she looks like she’s already annoyed about how long she’s been holding that pose, so I’m at a loss here.
Where is Ed Westwick’s neck?!
It’s truly MIA. It’s like he has to sink his head into his shoulders to speak in an American accent.
Why are they ALL wearing statement neckwear?!
No, seriously. There are necklaces, bowties, regular ties...it’s TOO DAMN MUCH.
Final question: Please, dear god, can we get some better art for this reboot?
I’m not even picky. I just think it would be fun to see the new cast of Gossip Girl in outfits that don’t make them look like aspiring magicians. I’d also be down for something that ages equally as bad. Either/or!
So...yeah. I think that’s it. Those are all the questions we have. If you have any insights on the above, please let us know as soon as possible. This is an emergency!!
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