I'm Pinning All My Hopes On the Free Penguins in Chicago

From ELLE

In disaster movies, it's usually a bad sign when animals are roaming free through the remnants of society but what if—go with me here—it's actually the best thing and no other thing will ever compare? After Chicago's Shedd Aquarium temporarily closed to the public, a trio of the aquarium's penguins were allowed to take in the many sights on a supervised but unstructured tour. And, honestly, good for them!

Every other instance of someone "living their best life" is canceled! These penguins are living out loud! We let animals roam free in our homes all of the time; why don't we just extend it to the wider world? When this is all over let's just go full Bojack Horseman. It may seem dangerous, but these penguins are out here thriving and I'm on my fourth package of Oreos today, so what is really the truth?

I'm obsessed with the way they toddle about, curiously cocking their heads like they're all bemused anthropologists who have just been let into a recently discovered pyramid. They're running from exhibit to exhibit tut-tutting and exclaiming "my word!" All penguins, by the way, are old British scientists. They're calling over to each other like "Wellington, old chap, take a gander at this! A shark but behind some sort of... field! Is it ice? I'm not chilly. Are you chilly? This is remarkable! Make a note!" (Who is making a note if penguins don't have opposable thumbs?! Absurd!)

What a banner day for these penguins whom, I assume, live a life of leisure in the Truman Show deception that is their icy chamber and then suddenly the scales fall from their little penguin eyes and they get to wander into a whole other world, like the tropical fish exhibit or the Information desk! Can you even begin to conceive of such wonder? And they don't approach any of it with fear or reservation. They rush beak first into this brave new, dimly lit world! Just think of the amazing penguin art that this will create. This is the day that the whole penguin culture of the Shedd Aquarium changed. It will soon be a national holiday in the penguin tank. Papers will be written on it! The short stories that this will produce! My word! Wellington, I'm getting choked up.

This is literally the movie Arrival. Annie Penguin is Amy Adams and Edward Penguin is Jeremy Renner and the two of them approaching the glass of the Shedd Aquarium rotunda and peering into the aquatic life behind it is already one of the best films ever made. Imagine that little penguin holding up an Etch-a-Sketch that reads "penguin." I'm sobbing. By the by, Annie Penguin will also be snubbed for a well-deserved and long-overdue Oscar but never fear, her day will come. As will Amy's! It's a new day for all of us flightless birds!

I love how determined the penguins are to take in every part of the exhibit. These penguins have big Dad on Vacation energy. They're on a schedule but they will be reading every helpful placard and information panel, so help them! Every five minutes they're like, "Did you see the fish? Look, a fish. Did you see it? A fish. Did you see it? Come here; you're running. Stop running and look at the fish. We paid $25 to get in here; remember this fish!"

Did the penguins pay admission? Honey, no, the penguins are modeling a society in which the cultural institutions that we value are fully funded and free to all. Penguins 2020!

I want to see these penguins everywhere. I want the penguins to live the life that I cannot.

Tired: I should FaceTime all my friends to check in and subtly evaluate their interior decor.
Wired: The penguins are my friends and I will live vicariously through them like an Avatar.

I want a penguin in an independent bookstore, asking for a recommendation. I want a penguin dining out at my favorite restaurant. I want a penguin voting in a free and fair election! I want a penguin putting gas in my car (this is more a personal request). I want a penguin as the only creature in a rowdy screening of Cats. I want a penguin buying a reasonable amount of toilet paper at the grocery store! I want a penguin narrating a documentary about Morgan Freeman! I want a penguin performing a routine at drag brunch! I want a penguin for president! My old life is over; I am fully committed to Penguin Second Life.

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