"Know What You’re Getting Into When You Agree To It": Former Bridesmaids Are Giving Me Advice On How To Be The Best First-Time Bridesmaid

This year, I'm going to be a bridesmaid for one of my best friends' wedding! It's my first time, and like most first times, the nervous excitement when it comes to the unknown is immense.

So, I asked past bridal party members of the BuzzFeed Community to share some advice to help me out, and I was given nothing but amazing insight to make the day for myself, the bride, and my fellow bridesmaids the best day it can be. Here's what they had to say:

1."Bring your own makeup! Even if you are scheduled to have your hair and makeup done, things don’t always work out that way. Bring your own curling iron, straightener, or whatever hair tool is necessary, and absolutely bring your own makeup — enough for a full face."

2."In my experience, something always goes wrong with the flowers: a bouquet goes missing or the flowers are the wrong color. Allow the bride to be upset, and don’t try to convince her it’s not noticeable, but do what you can to fix the situation to make her happy."

—Anonymous

3."Don't let others' BS get in your way (including your own; it's not about you). I've been a bridesmaid or officiant at about 10 weddings (I'm very lucky to have so many wonderful friends), and sometimes folks just have a bone to pick. Your job is to bring positivity and stick up for your bride."

4."Try early on to be honest about what kind of dress you want to wear and find out if you’ll have any input on the dresses. Sometimes the bride tries so hard to please everyone that she ends up not being able to make a decision; sometimes your input will actually help!"

—Anonymous

5."Try to get your shoes early and wear them a lot so you can scuff the bottoms and stretch them out so they are comfortable all day. If you are wearing a dress that requires nylons, wear your underwear over the top of them so they aren’t falling down all day. These were two things I learned in the first of five weddings I was in."

6."People may not like this, but make sure you set boundaries and expectations with the bride. You are not hired help, and don't let her treat you like that. You also may not be able to afford everything the bride has, so be honest about your budget for the bachelorette, dress, hotel, etc."

"If they are not absolutely okay with that, I'd recommend expressing that being a bridesmaid may not be okay for you. There are manyyy stories of bridesmaids who are no longer friends with the bride because boundaries (financially or otherwise) were not followed."

—heyhello123456

7."I’ve been a bridesmaid five times; some were friends, and some were family, and fortunately, I never had to deal with an overly demanding bride. I guess the best advice would be to know what you’re getting into when you agree to it. You’re going to spend a decent amount of money on a dress you’ll probably never wear again, and that might not even look that good on you."

8."For wedding activities, check your ego at the door. I promise you’ll have a good time. Make sure the bride is having a good time, is never alone, and is surrounded by supportive friends. Just be present for yourself and them. If a conflict arises and you feel like you might say something you regret, stop and think: Will this matter next week, a month from now, or a year? If it won’t, let it go."

—Anonymous

9."If it’s a wedding in the afternoon or evening, EAT SOME GODDAMN LUNCH. Often the bridal party will make a production out of eating breakfast while they’re getting hair and makeup done, and it makes for really cute pics, but EVERYONE forgets to make arrangements for lunch. I’ve been a bridesmaid in three weddings, including one as maid of honor."

10."Pack a bag and keep it handy filled with emergency supplies: an assortment of feminine hygiene products, gum/mints/mouthwash, a small sewing kit, tissues, clear nail polish, nail glue, extra makeup, OTC pain reliever, digestive relief (Tums or Gas-X, etc.), eyelash glue (if the bride is wearing falsies), deodorant, stain remover, basically anything the bride or anyone in the bridal party might be in desperate need of. You may never use 99% of it, but just having it on hand will make most 'disasters' easy to fix."

—salvina

11."Hiya! Six-time bridesmaid here (three-time maid of honor): It's okay to say 'No.' It's also okay to call someone out who is acting rude, bratty, selfish, diva-ish, etc., no matter who it is. You're standing up as a favor, not an obligation, and you don't (nor does anyone else) deserve to be treated like garbage. Make sure to ask what, if anything, they specifically need help with. DIY favors or invites? Finding a caterer? Recommendations for makeup artists? Sometimes even just asking makes a huge difference in lightening their load."

12."You and the other bridesmaids will unofficially be responsible for keeping the reception fun and exciting and keeping the mood up. For example, if there’s a dance floor (depending on how many bridesmaids there are), at least two or three of you need to be dancing the whole time."

"The other bridesmaid(s) should check in with the bride and see if she needs anything, then move around to the guests and ask how they’re doing. Being a bridesmaid is a lot of work during the actual reception part, but it’s fun!"

—Anonymous

13."I’ve been both a bride and a bridesmaid (the latter, like, seven times), and the most helpful thing for you to do is ask what she needs help with because planning a wedding is so stressful, and sometimes asking for help is hard. Either volunteer to help with something you enjoy doing or are good at, or ask her how you can be helpful. The other thing that you can do is stop people from asking the bride ridiculous questions."

14."An early discussion about what the bride expects will save a lot of aggravation on both sides. It might also help you both to find areas of flexibility early on. For example, at a friend's wedding last year, we had to pay for our own hair and makeup. But she had no problem with us doing our own hair and makeup, which saved me $200. If you won't be able to afford a bachelorette trip out of town, it's better that she knows that now."

"So much depends on the personality of your bride. I was pretty lucky with mine — she had minimal expectations. A few bridesmaids missed the bridal shower and the bachelorette, respectively, and she wasn't upset. When I asked her if she wanted me to lose weight or change my hair, she was horrified. 'I asked you to be in my wedding because I love you, not because you fit a certain look.' I've heard horror stories about brides trying to control every aspect of their bridesmaids' looks, and it's not okay. Most weddings will have things you have to put up with that you aren't thrilled about. For me, it was an incredibly long time spent taking photos. I wasn't thrilled about it, but it's her day, and you want it to be the best possible. Do what you can, and set firm boundaries where you need them. Either way, an early discussion with the bride will save you from potential arguments down the line."

—rnd13001

And finally, this wedding party veteran shared an experience that highlights how being a great friend can also lead you to just naturally being a great bridesmaid:

15."Make the day about the bride. I’ve been a bridesmaid five times, and in each wedding, most of the other bridesmaids were more concerned about how they looked, if they had enough alcohol, if they looked hot in pictures, and if they were having fun than if the bride was enjoying her day."

Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity. 

Are you a former bridesmaid who has some advice or insight for me? Let me know in the comments!