"I Guess I'm Just A Bad Parent": 26 Subtle (And Not-So-Subtle) Behaviors That People Say Are Signs Of Toxic Parenting
Being a parent is hard, and everyone makes mistakes. However, some mistakes can be a lot more damaging to kids than others. Recently, u/gemjoltik34 asked Reddit to share signs of toxic parenting, and they got a ton of heartbreaking and thought-provoking replies that honestly made me think about some things from my childhood in a different way. Here are some of the top comments:
1."Never actually teaching your kids anything, just criticizing and saying 'I told you so' and 'because I said so.'"
"This was my life just about every day until I moved out. My parents expected me to know things and got pissed when I did something wrong."
2."Always believing they're right because they're the adult and, therefore, not letting the child have any say."
"My mom’s the type who wouldn’t let me or my siblings negotiate anything. She once straight up said, 'I’m the adult; you’re the child, you don’t get to argue.'"
3."Openly having favorites among their kids."
4."When they constantly invalidate your feelings."
"This one in a huge way. My feelings were never validated. Every time I cried, it was, 'Stop the crocodile tears, you’re just looking for attention.' Every time I was mad, 'You don’t have real reasons to be upset.' Hell, even when I was physically hurt, it’d usually be something like, 'Rub some dirt on it.'"
5."Not being allowed to make mistakes and constantly being shouted at for them."
"My S.O. has legit PTSD from not meeting his parents' standards and being yelled at and screamed at for it. If he didn't clean to their standards, they would trash the room and make him start all over again, instead of just getting the parts he missed."
6."Parents not understanding kids have bad days, too. They may not have a bad day like an adult would, but their little minds can get just as overwhelmed as adults do."
"My parents say, 'You shouldn't be so tired, you don't do anything,' a lot to me when I'm exhausted because of school..."
7."Being unable to apologize, and setting and enforcing standards they themselves don't follow."
"When I tell my parents about something I feel like they should apologize for, my dad listens to me. If he disagrees with what I said, he tells me why, and if he thinks that my reasoning is correct, he says, 'You're right, I'm sorry.' My mom yells at me, cries, 'You're talking back, I would've never done that to my mother.' Guess who I have a better relationship with."
8."When they say, 'I never said that, you made that up.'"
9."If you feel like you can't be open and honest with them, even over things that are not bad."
"Yep. Didn't tell my parents a damn thing after 14 because I knew that A) they didn't really care, or B) it would come back to haunt me somehow."
10."Giving up on your kid. If they're experiencing hard times like failing in school, or engaging in unsafe sexual activity, and you don't even try to help them at all. You just go, 'Oh well, guess they want to fail.'"
11."Refusing to let them grow up. My mom did this with me, and I see it in kids I babysit. It’s one thing to enjoy the occasional sick cuddles. It’s another thing to keep them in diapers because you don’t want your baby to grow up."
"My parent still asks, 'Do you need to go potty?' in fucking public, and I've graduated from high school. Sometimes, they say it when people I know are around, and I'm even more afraid of leaving the house now."
12."Guilt tripping your kids into begging for your forgiveness. 'I bet you wish I was dead,' 'Nothing I do is ever good enough for you,' etc."
"That sounds like my mom. Whenever she does something to upset me, I end apologizing."
13."Constant criticism of their kids' choices."
"My dad is like this, even criticizes the good choices. Give me a break, old man."
14."Friend of mine once had a coworker whose daughter was studying to be a nurse. Mom routinely did the daughter's homework for her. I feel for whomever was subjected to daughter's care."
15."Treating kids like they aren't supposed to have emotions."
"I'll give you something to cry about!"
16."I've met a lot of messed kids whose divorced parents would use them as an outlet to rip on the other parent and pit the kid against the other parent. It makes you question who's really acting like the child here."
17."The 'I guess I’m just a bad parent' line."
"Yep. It basically communicates to the child, 'I'm already overwhelmed enough by your existence which complicates my life, don't have any expectations of me, just be grateful that I tolerate you.'"
18."Comparing your kid to someone else’s."
"My parents did that, but what made it worse is that I'm neurodivergent, and I was being compared to the academically gifted kids. It's an unbelievably unfair comparison to make because I will never be like them. I know I'm smart in different ways, but mom wanted a kid with straight A+'s; basically someone she didn't have to put too much effort into helping them learn.
Like, I get it mom, you're upset 'cuz I'm much different than you expected; throwing it my face and making me feel bad that I couldn't learn like the other kids is so shitty."
19."Insisting you know your kids' minds better than they themselves do. Proclaiming what they experience, feel, think, and intend. Being dismissive or condescending when they try to speak for themselves."
20."Raising your child in an unhealthy manner, then expecting them to suddenly become the opposite when they get older, and if they don't, blaming them for it. I feel like I see this a lot with dependence/independence: A parent does everything for or with their child, then expects them to suddenly become completely independent at a certain age. Of course, there are steps a person needs to take on their own during any major life transition (e.g. when transitioning from being dependent to independent/becoming an adult), but in this case, a parent putting all this pressure on the child alone seems a bit toxic to me."
"My parents freaked the fuck out at me whenever I tried to assert myself or stand up for myself. Then they were confused about why I was so shy and lacking in confidence as I got older. They never put two and two together."
21."Any form of hitting and calling it 'discipline.' It's not; it's straight-up abuse, and it traumatizes your children. I know 'cause I was raised off it, and guess who I cut out of my life."
22."Parents who press their personal beliefs and practices upon their children. Maybe your daughter doesn't want to wear dresses all the time. So what? Maybe your son doesn't want to be the doctor that you weren't able to be. Okay...so?
"For example, my parents are very religious, and everything would be about religion and honoring God; yet, the ironic thing is that my parents are extremely abusive — physically, verbally, mentally, and emotionally.
"Don't force beliefs upon your children. Widen their perspective. Show them what's out there. And let them make their own decisions. Don't yell at them or hurt them if they're not doing it your way."
23."If the kid is 'mature for their age,' they are being severely neglected emotionally and most likely already have deep psychological scars."
"I was always told by teachers, 'Wow, you're so mature!' The report cards would come singing my praises for being 'really quiet, really mature, just gets on with the work.'
"I was even described as a 'dream child' at times.
"Surely, this wouldn't be something problematic? Surely, I should be proud of myself?
"Not really. I was quiet because my mother would throw a screaming fit at every infraction, real or perceived. I was petrified of my teachers and all other adults, believing that they would scream, yell, and stomp their feet like babies if I left my sandwich crust. I thought that was normal behavior, so I quietly did what I had to in order to quell the perceived fury I was certain would come my way. These fears weren't unfounded — if I were to ask for help, I know now that my teachers wouldn't mind, but my mum would yell at me.
"I know it's sometimes necessary to yell at kids. For instance, if they're about to run into a busy road, you need to get their attention. But her screaming was so loud, so constant, that it was beyond unreasonable.
"Oh, I am not 'mature.' I simply learned early on to submit to everyone else, keep everyone happy at any cost. I now have PTSD and severe conflict avoidance. Thanks, mum."
24."Denying their child any privacy because 'they only want the best for them' and 'they have a right to know.'
"Concrete examples include going through my trash and placing it on my desk, opening letters without permission, copying over all my phone contacts, and actually using those numbers on non-emergencies."
25."Telling you to take responsibility without giving you freedom. Responsibility is only possible if you have the freedom to make the wrong choice but choose to make the right one."
