Identifying and Coping With a Passive-Aggressive Narcissist
Medically reviewed by Elle Markman, PsyD, MPH
A general definition of narcissism is excessive self-love. In psychology, narcissistic personality disorder can describe a person with an oversized sense of self-importance and entitlement, fantasies of power, inability to empathize with others, or indifference or rage when criticized.
People with narcissistic personality disorder need attention or admiration and have trouble with interpersonal relationships.
A person with narcissistic traits who wants to be indirectly aggressive can use passive-aggressive behavior. For example, being falsely polite with underlying hostility or giving someone a “backhanded” compliment. These passive-aggressive behaviors can provoke others.
Takeaway
Someone who is passive-aggressive is not necessarily a narcissist. A person with narcissistic traits may use passive aggression as a tactic to manipulate others, but it’s not the only one. They will also have other signs of narcissism.
In the past, a passive-aggressive person may have been diagnosed with a mental health disorder called passive-aggressive personality disorder (PAPD). However, PAPD is no longer a diagnosis in the DSM-5.
Passive aggression and narcissism can go together, but the behaviors are not always obvious. This article will go over the signs of a passive-aggressive narcissist and how to cope with a person with narcissistic traits' passive-aggressive behavior.
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Signs of Passive-Aggressive Behavior in People with Narcissistic Traits
Passive-aggressive behavior comes in many forms, such as:
Using indirect hostility: “Backhanded compliments” are a common passive-aggressive behavior when someone says something that sounds nice but is intended to be hurtful. For example, a person with narcissistic traits might say, “I like your blouse; you can hardly tell it’s second-hand!”
Giving the silent treatment: Giving someone the silent treatment means ignoring them when you’re upset with them rather than talking to them about how you’re feeling. If you try talk to them, the person with narcissistic traits may act like they didn’t hear you. They may even walk away as though they didn’t see you standing there.
Purposefully not communicating: Passive-aggressive behavior can be planned and intentional. For example, if a person with narcissistic traits is angry at someone, they may refuse to pick up the phone, reply to a text, or answer an email from them.
Engaging in sulking: Moping about or “huffing and puffing” over wrongdoing is a childlike behavior that people with narcissistic traits may use to passive-aggressively let others know that they’re upset without actually saying that they are.
Intentionally showing up late to appointments or not showing up at all: Not respecting another person’s time or following through with commitments can be an obvious act of aggression, but sometimes it’s more subtle. For example, a person with narcissistic traits might always show up late for a weekly meeting at work as a “power trip” to show a manager they don’t get along with “who the boss is” in the office.
Using underhanded sabotage: While people with narcissistic traits can certainly be calculated and overt about trying to damage another person, they can also take a more passive-aggressive approach to hurting someone. For example, a narcissistic parent jealous of their child’s athletic ability might “forget” to wash a jersey or “misplace” a mouthguard before the big game in hopes that the child will have to stay on the bench.
Refusing to finish work: Sometimes, people use their responsibilities or expected tasks as a way to manipulate people passive-aggressively. For example, a person with narcissistic traits who gets criticized by a colleague may stop giving them the weekly reports they need out of spite or to “make a point.”
These behaviors may not seem outwardly aggressive, but when they’re combined with covert narcissism, they put major stress on relationships.
What Is a Covert Narcissist?
While the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th Edition) defines narcissistic personality disorder, it does not define covert narcissism or “quiet narcissism.”
However, narcissistic behavior can be covert or overt, and the clinical signs of a disorder can be described as one or the other.
Covert narcissistic behaviors or signs are not always obvious. For example, a person with covert narcissism can seem shy or sensitive but have the same sense of entitlement, insecure sense of self, and lack of empathy as someone with overt narcissism.
A covert narcissist is more likely to be introverted than extroverted (as many people with overt narcissistic traits). They are often highly sensitive to the judgments or evaluations of other people, but at the same time envious and very self-absorbed.
A covert narcissist may go between feeling better than everyone else and having a fragile sense of self-esteem.
Causes of Passive-Aggressiveness and Narcissism
It is not known what causes passive-aggressiveness or narcissism, but there are some theories. Contributing factors to narcissistic personality disorder include:
Genetics
Experiences and relationships during early life and development, such as trauma or abuse
Personality traits (like the ability to regulate emotions or the level of tolerance to distress)
Whether covert or overt, the reasons for narcissistic behaviors are complex and not fully understood.
How to Cope with Passive-Aggressive Narcissists
Coping with a person with narcissistic traits is exhausting and challenging, especially if they use passive aggression to manipulate the people around them.
Here are just a few tips to keep in mind if you’re coping with a passive-aggressive narcissist:
Understand they’re not your problem to solve: You cannot fix someone’s narcissism or stop their passive-aggressive behavior. Narcissism is a clinical mental health disorder that requires professional treatment. It is not your responsibility or job to “fix” a narcissist.
Know you aren’t to blame: You are not responsible for a narcissist’s behaviors. Remember, they make themselves feel big by making you feel small. It's a maladaptive coping strategy to maintain a sense of control or self-worth.
Set boundaries: A person with narcissistic traits will not respect the boundaries or needs of others, so you must be clear with yourself about what you will not tolerate. It can be hard to set boundaries with passive-aggressive behavior because the aggression is not straightforward. That said, having firm boundaries can help you identify when to take a step back from a narcissist.
Reach out for support: A person with narcissistic traits can make you question what you’re going through. It’s important to turn to supportive family and friends for accurate, objective viewpoints and feedback on your situation.
How to Get Help
If you’re dealing with a passive-aggressive narcissist, start by talking to your healthcare provider. They can connect you with resources like local mental health professionals and counselors.
Ideally, you should work with a provider who is knowledgeable about narcissism. They can help you understand the condition better and develop effective coping strategies, which include learning to set boundaries with a person with narcissistic traits in your life.
But even if a person with narcissistic traits is no longer in your life, it does not mean you’ll automatically be “over” your experience with them, especially if it was traumatic. Working with a mental health professional can help you process your experience and recover from a relationship with a narcissist.
Related: What Is Mental Health Counseling?
Can a Passive-Aggressive Narcissist Change?
A narcissistic person who uses passive aggression can change, but it’s difficult. First, the need to be willing to recognize their behavior, acknowledge that it needs to change, and be willing to put in the work to make that change happen.
For example, a narcissistic person who uses passive-aggression to manipulate someone they’re angry with needs to start by admitting that they’re being manipulative by being passive-aggressive. Then, they need to acknowledge the behavior is not useful in their relationships. Last, they need to commit to working on ways to express their anger more effectively and without hurting others.
Summary
A narcissistic person can use passive-aggressive behavior to manipulate others. These behaviors can be covert and hard to spot, but that doesn’t mean they’re easy to deal with. It’s important to learn how to set boundaries with a passive-aggressive narcissist. It can be useful to work with a therapist who is knowledgeable about people with narcissistic traits and can help you develop coping skills and take care of your mental health.
Frequently Asked Questions
What happens when you stop reacting to a narcissist?
They may become enraged (this is called narcissistic rage) and take it extremely personally since they view everything from the lens that it’s all about them. They can become emotionally, verbally, and even physically abusive.
It’s important to establish your own physical safety first, set clear boundaries, stay calm, and keep deflecting and defusing their anger. You can empathize with them, but you don't need to emotionally react.
What would a passive-aggressive person say?
Passive-aggressive people can say a wide variety of things. They often include backhanded compliments or phrases with latent anger or derision. Phrases can include, “Fine, whatever,” or “Oh, I was only kidding, you’re so sensitive about things.” Another example is saying something rude or aggressive but prefacing it by saying, “I don’t mean to be rude, but…”
Read the original article on Verywell Health.
