My Extremely Conservative "Pro-Life" Cousin Just Got A Secret Abortion — Should I Call Her Out?

Hello, world. My name's Stephen LaConte, and this is Hey Stephen — a cozy little corner of the internet where BuzzFeed readers like you can DM me for advice.

Today, we've got this woman, who recently stumbled upon a family secret: Her very conservative cousin — who actively speaks out against abortion rights on social media — just got an abortion herself. Should she uninvite this person from her wedding over the hypocrisy, or try to keep things civil? Here's what she wrote to me, via Instagram:

My reply...

You wouldn't even need to know about your cousin's abortion to decide that you want some space from her. The fact that she actively fights against a fundamental human right and mocks a court ruling that's going to destroy lives is more than enough reason to stop hanging out with her anyway. And honestly, using her own secret abortion against her might just muddy your point — sure, the double standard is enraging, but it's not like her anti-choice views would be more defensible if she were consistent with them. Whether or not she's had an abortion herself, your cousin thinks she's entitled to control the lives, bodies, and futures of other people. She supports forced birth. Her hypocrisy pales in comparison to what she's loudly advocating for on social media.

At the end of the day, it's her views that are disturbing to you, not the fact that she got an abortion. So if you were ever to engage her on this topic, I think you should keep your focus on the anti-choice things she's said and posted online, and leave her own medical history out of it.

The truth is, even terrible, hypocritical assholes deserve to make their own reproductive decisions and have privacy about them. Bringing up her abortion might feel satisfying in the moment, but it would also enforce the idea that her body and her choices are somehow the public's business. They're not. (One possible exception: If your cousin was an elected official making laws that block abortion access for others, maybe calling her out would be fair game. Lawmakers who wield their power in harmful ways deserve thorough scrutiny, and their hypocrisy is a matter of public concern. But I'm gonna go ahead and guess that's not the case here.)

As for your wedding: I might've been on board with uninviting your cousin and her husband...until you mentioned that you've already asked their daughter to be your flower girl. If this kid is old enough to care about having that role in your wedding and is excited about it, I don't think you should take that away from her. It's not her fault she was born to shitty parents. And frankly, if you have a nice relationship with this kid, I think it's worth keeping some lines of communication open with her as she gets older. She'd benefit from having role models in her life who aren't her parents — she'll need loving, trustworthy, rational adults who can steer her in better directions, and instill in her a sense of autonomy over her own body and mind.

I also wonder — maybe too optimistically — whether your cousin's abortion experience might eventually lead her to change her stance. You mention that this abortion was recent. Abortions aren't always traumatic, but they certainly can be — and this one happened for a medical reason, so I'm assuming her pregnancy was otherwise wanted. It's possible your cousin is grieving a tough loss right now, and doesn't yet have the clarity of mind to step back and reconsider what are clearly some long and deeply held beliefs of hers. You're struggling with your cousin's hypocrisy right now — maybe she'll struggle with it someday, too.

Of course, I'm not suggesting that's the likely outcome here — the so-called "pro-life" movement runs rampant with hypocrisy, which its supporters seem very happy to ignore. But it's worth at least considering the possibility that your cousin has the capacity to change, especially given that her abortion experience must be fresh in her mind, and she's likely still processing much of it.

So, here's what I'll propose: Instead of cutting this family out of your life right away, I wonder if you could try setting some new boundaries with them first, and see how that goes. For example, you don't have to keep looking at their anti-choice social media posts; you can unfollow them, and maybe even tell them why you're doing so. You don't have to hang out with them socially, either; just turn down their invitations until they get the hint. And you don't have to go deep with them every time you see them at Thanksgiving or Christmas; just say hello, and then go hang out with their daughter at the kids' table. It's more fun there, anyway.

And since the wedding invite has already gone out — and more specifically, since the flower girl invite has already gone out — I say you use this as an opportunity to practice your new and healthily distanced relationship with your cousin. Seat the family at a table far away from yours. Assign a bridesmaid to coordinate the flower girl logistics to minimize your interactions with her parents. And if they hand over a check as their wedding gift, I think you should thank them with the best fake smile you can muster, and then donate it to your local Planned Parenthood or abortion fund. Congrats on the wedding, and good luck.

Editor’s Note: BuzzFeed supports a person’s right to an abortion. If you, like us, feel impassioned about abortion rights, learn more or find a local fund to donate to here.

That's all the advice I've got for today's DM'er, folks. You can follow me on Instagram and Twitter @stephenlc. And if you happened to miss last week's column, read on!

Last week, we heard from this woman, who's weighing a rather unusual offer from her boyfriend: He says he'll stop cheating on her with various men...*if* she agrees to marry him. Should she take the deal or break it off? Here's what she wrote to me, via Instagram:

My reply...

There are some layers to this one, but let's start here: Your boyfriend is not cheating on you because he's bisexual. He's cheating on you because he's a cheater. If he wanted to explore his attraction to men, he should have either ended his relationship with you or asked if you'd be open to some form of ethical and mutual nonmonogamy. Instead he chose to lie, sneak around, and cheat on you for eight years — and now he's saying that he won't stop until you marry him. Your problem isn't that you're dating a bi guy, it's that you're dating a monster.

So, suffice it to say, I do not think you should accept your boyfriend's "proposal," if we can even call it that. Instead, I think you should cut your losses with this man and run for the hills ASAP. Here are four reasons why.

1. Honesty is not some special prize you need to "win" from your partner. It is something you are entitled to, a nonnegotiable that must be abundantly present in any relationship from day one. Likewise, your boyfriend's faithfulness, commitment, and loyalty are not bargaining chips for him to use against you whenever he wants something. The fact that he views his fidelity as a negotiation tool is a serious red flag for your future together: What happens if you disagree about something else down the road, like having another kid? Will he dangle that threat of cheating again unless you meet his demands?

2. Getting married to fix your relationship is never a good idea. Marriage will not magically erase the issues you two have as a couple — in fact, it will likely magnify those issues by a factor of 1,000. This is obviously not to say that marriage is always a bad idea: For a couple whose relationship has actually strengthened over time, who have encountered obstacles and found healthy ways to overcome them together, and who can communicate honestly and openly even in difficult moments, marriage can be a logical and wonderful step to take. There are plenty of good reasons to tie the knot, but "because he won't stop cheating on me" is not one of them.

3. You mention that leaving this relationship could be upsetting to your 8-year-old son. That's an understandable concern to have, but I think you should consider the ways that staying might hurt him too. I'd argue that your son would be better off having a mom who was genuinely happy, secure, and fulfilled in her relationships and who could model for him what healthy and affirming partnerships look like.

Kids are perceptive. Hopefully your son doesn't know about your boyfriend's cheating, but on some level, he's probably aware that something isn't right with how he treats you. What would you want your son to do if he found himself living with a toxic, selfish, cheating partner someday? Would you want him to stay put or to leave? Whatever you'd hope your son would do in this situation, you should do for yourself right now. He'll learn from it.

And finally...

4. Marriage or no marriage, your boyfriend probably isn't going to stop cheating. You've given this man eight years to change his ways, and he hasn't done it yet. What is it about a wedding that he thinks will suddenly make him a better, more honest partner? Is it a matter of having a legally binding contract? Does he think he'll feel more accountable to you if his friends and family watch him say some vows? Does he believe that doing it in a church would give him some sort of religious obligation to stay faithful to you?

Whatever his logic may be here, it's flawed. The only way he'll ever stop cheating is with some genuine honesty, introspection, remorse, and self-control on his part — not to mention a basic level of respect for you and your needs. Clearly, he possesses none of those things. Instead, he's hoping that a marriage contract will do the work that he's not willing to do himself. It's a doomed mission.

The good news is, this man's problems don't have to be yours anymore. You deserve happiness and peace, your son deserves a healthy and stable home life, and frankly, your boyfriend deserves some consequences for his terrible behavior. Call this relationship off and never look back. Your family will be better off in the long run.

TL;DR: Putting a ring on it will not put an end to the cheating. Dump him.

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PS: If you've got any advice for today's DM'er, sound off in the comments! I'll be reading...

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