My Husband Totally Collapses Anytime He’s Sick. It’s Time for Him to Suck It Up.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

Where do I get to draw the line between “sorry you’re not feeling well” and “suck it up, we need you to be a productive member of this household”? My husband was never really sick in the first seven years we were together except the occasional migraine, so I didn’t see what he was like. But in the past six months, our two kids (1M and 2F) have gone to daycare as I returned to teaching fulltime, and it’s just been constant mild illness in our house since then for the kids and him (some for me too, but 15 years of public school teaching bolstered my immunity a bit). When he’s sick, he lays on the couch sleeping and bemoaning how terrible he feels the whole time, while the craziness of daily life with two toddlers goes on around him and I work to manage it while doing all the other things that need to be done. At first, I had some patience and understanding, being sick sucks! But now when it’s every single day that there’s some new ailment and he’s just lying there while I do everything, it’s driving me crazy! Also, as soon as one thing clears up, there’s another waiting in line. He was feeling better from a mild respiratory illness after four days, then slipped on the way out of the shower and tweaked his back (another three days of pain) then had a migraine the day after.

I know all of these are real complaints and problems and I’m lucky to not have any predispositions to things like back issues and migraines like he does, but I also think to some extent he needs to learn how to manage life with them. My response when he tells me how sick he is now is generally “oh, that stinks. Have you considered taking (insert helpful medication) so that you can get back to life with us?” This past weekend when he asked how I was feeling as I was also sick, I finally got fed up enough to say that it doesn’t really matter how I feel because I still just have to do everything anyway and he said it’s not his fault being sick affects him so much more than it does me. How do I rediscover some compassion for his ailments while also getting him to see that not everything is the end of the world and kids still need care even if your nose is running? I’ve asked him in the moment to get up and help with specific tasks or get one of the kids or something like that. He’s suggested we can call his mom and have her come over to help when he’s not feeling well so he can rest and I can “get a break” (his mother being at our house isn’t a break, believe me). Is it time to go cold-hearted and just tell him to suck it up?

—A Mild Cold Doesn’t Excuse You From Responsibilities

Dear Responsibilities,

It makes so much sense that all this is coming to a head now. Before you had kids, your husband’s migraines probably didn’t have such a big impact on you—if he was feeling poorly, you could still do everything you needed to do for yourself. You’re in a really tough phase of parenting, in my opinion, and the most physically demanding one. I hear you saying that you can’t do it alone all the time, and you definitely shouldn’t have to. But I think you already tried the “just suck it up” route when you pointed out that you keep doing everything even when you’re not feeling well, implying he should be able to do the same. Even if true, saying that, on its own, won’t really solve this problem, especially if the two of you are now somewhat at odds, with him feeling that you’re unsympathetic to his periodic illnesses and pain issues, and you believing he’s a bit lazy or weak. Again, I definitely get why you’re frustrated—it’s hard to feel like everything is on you! And I know it would feel better and fairer to you if the two of you took turns being the one on the couch, and the balance felt more even. But it doesn’t always work that way, and chronic pain is one reason why it might not.

I do think there’s a difference between parenting through a mild cold—which, I agree, your husband should be able to do—versus parenting when you have a more serious illness, or maybe your back pain means you can’t pick up a small child safely, or a migraine has made you vomit or unable to see straight. Yes, it’s worth him seeing a doctor and getting a prescription, if he can find one that helps with his migraines. It’s also worth seeking treatment for any other chronic issues. But if these truly are recurring problems for your husband, taking “insert helpful medication” doesn’t mean they won’t still be serious or debilitating at times. (You can think of acknowledging all this as “rediscovering compassion” for him if you want to, but I think it’s just acknowledging the reality of recurring or chronic pain.)

It’s definitely reasonable to expect your spouse to still parent when not feeling their best, and to not leave you to deal with the kids all by yourself when there are things they can do. As you point out, it’s normal to play through the pain of your average cold. And maybe, as you’re implying, your spouse is kind of being dramatic about it all. But while parents don’t exactly get sick days, there are certainly times when we might need to do less. I think it should be okay for all of us, when sick or in real pain, to let the other parent know what our limitations are. It should be okay for a sick or in-pain person to say “I can do X today, but I can’t do Y.” It should be okay, when necessary, for someone to stay in bed and rest. But it should also be okay for the healthy spouse to ask, hopefully from a place of compassion, if the sick person can manage X or Y—to have a conversation about what’s actually doable, and when, and how much, etc. In other words, figuring out how to parent and handle domestic labor when someone is sick or in pain can be give and take, not all or nothing.

Some more advice, from times I’ve dealt with both mild illness and chronic pain as a parent: It’s okay to lower your standards a little (even a lot) when someone’s not well. Don’t go above and beyond, just do the minimum amount necessary to keep everyone clean and fed. Outsource what you can afford to outsource, if only temporarily (can you afford a cleaning service or a babysitter? Can you eat more takeout for a week and/or prepare very basic meals?). And be willing to accept help—if not from your mother-in-law, who would you feel comfortable accepting help from?

When everyone’s calmed down and no one is sick or suffering from a migraine, you and your husband can talk seriously and respectfully about how you want to handle periods of ill health or physical limitations in the future, given that you will both get sick or be in pain sometimes and you’re both responsible for your kids’ care. You do need your husband to parent and do as much as he can for your kids and your family, even when he’s not feeling great. That will probably mean talking about what medications or treatments he can seek that might help him more. It can also mean talking about emergency or contingency plans if a migraine or back pain puts him out of commission again, or if you get really sick and there are things you legitimately can’t do. With each new illness or crisis, ask questions and talk about what the sick person/person in pain can do, and try to make a plan to parent and meet your kids’ needs together.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

When I (34F) was 15, I was sexually assaulted. The resulting pregnancy upended my life, and although I tried my best to be there for my newborn daughter, I couldn’t do it. I knew that I couldn’t be the mother that she needed at the time. I put her up for adoption, and I moved on with my life. For years, I dealt with unbearable guilt over this choice. But after getting into the college of my dreams and finding an amazing therapist, I finally moved past the brunt of my trauma. I now have an amazing job in my dream city, and I have plenty of time for friends, hobbies, and everything in between.

Recently, my now-adult daughter found me again. She reached out to me and asked if it would be possible for us to have a relationship. I’m scared. I would actually like to have a relationship with her! But I can’t be her mom, I won’t replace the woman who raised her in place of me, and I don’t want to fail her like I did when I initially gave her up. Is it cruel of me to actually work for a relationship with my daughter? Or would it be better for me to just cut ties now and leave it at that?

—Not a Mother

Dear Not a Mother,

I understand why you’re scared right now. But it’s not wrong at all to want to have a relationship with your daughter, and I don’t think she necessarily reached out because she expects you to “replace” the mother who raised her. When I found and contacted my birth family as an adult, it wasn’t because I expected them to replace my adoptive family—it was because I wanted to know more about them, and more about myself. I also wanted to reassure them, in case they felt any guilt about their decision, that I’d been loved and given a good life.

Obviously, every adoption and every reunion is unique, but having been through a process like this, one thing I can suggest is that you make sure you have your support system lined up. Think of who you might be able to talk to about all this; who you can lean on—it sounds like you have a good group of friends who might be available to listen. Consider finding an adoption-competent therapist to work with throughout the process (this is something I really wish I’d done). Know who will be there for you, both while you’re trying to reach a decision and after you’ve done so and are living with the outcome.

Your daughter has told you what she’d like to happen, if you’re open to it. What do you want and feel is right for you? I hear you saying that you want to have a relationship with her, but you also aren’t ready to step into a role as a second mom. Both of those things are okay. (Notice that she hasn’t told you she expects you to fill that role!) Think more about what sort of boundaries you might want or need if you respond to her, and be open to hearing what boundaries she may need. If you two choose to be in contact, this will be a lot for her, too—be ready to communicate as kindly and honestly as possible, with empathy for where she’s coming from.

I understand your fear that you might fail her, or not measure up. But I think if she really wanted to judge you, or felt you’d only disappoint her, she probably wouldn’t bother reaching out in the first place. I’m not pushing you toward one outcome or another, because I don’t think anyone should pressure anyone else into an adoption reunion. I hope you can make this decision based not on guilt or fear, but on what you personally want, and what you think is right for both you and your daughter.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I have a marital dispute question I’m looking for different takes on. My in-laws are great people. They have been supportive throughout the 10 years I have known my husband. They volunteer to watch our 2-year-old daughter at the drop of a hat. I really love them.

Recently, my in-laws went on a trip to my MIL’s home country (a developing country). My FIL didn’t feel well and ended up having a stroke. It was very scary and stressful and hard to know what was going on given the difference in health system and how upset my MIL was. The extended family decided someone should fly down there to help them out and find out what’s going on. My husband is one of four children. He lost his job this fall under really terrible circumstances. So since he was not working right now, his siblings thought he should be the one to go help his parents. We have also lived for a year in this country before, and my husband speaks the language better than his siblings. My husband wanted to go help his parents, but I really didn’t want him to go. We had a terrible fallout. This news was really stressful, and we have a 2-year-old that still does not sleep through the night. None of his siblings have young children, and one does not have children at all. I felt like I couldn’t say anything and just had to “suck it up” and be a single mother, especially since my in-laws are so great.

So I agreed and told him three weeks was my max. Enough time to get my FIL well enough to get on a plane and come home. Now he has been gone two weeks. My FIL is doing much better but no one will commit to a coming-home date. Could be another week, could be three more! I feel like this is not fair to me, and a lot to ask. My husband and I have a history of fighting over how much he helps his family at the expense of ours, and I’m feeling angry and resentful that I just had to let my husband go without a return date and got no say in the matter. His family has helped with meals … but that’s not the same as having my husband. He feels like I’m not understanding of his desire to help his parents and that I can be angry and resentful, but doesn’t want to make anyone else fly down to help so he can come home. I’m just so angry, tired, and stressed that I don’t know when he’s coming home. I’m not sure how to accept this, talk about this, or if I am blowing this out of proportion. I just want my husband home.

—Burnt Out Angry Momma

Dear Angry Momma,

Three weeks is a long time, and I know it feels crappy to be parenting solo (especially with a kid who isn’t a good sleeper!). But you aren’t a single parent; your husband is coming home. If he’s not back already, press for a return-home date—that’s information you should get to have, even if it’s only his best guess.

I don’t think that an “us vs. them” mentality—your family’s interests against his parents’ interests, with your husband forced to choose one over the other—is either productive or helpful in this case. Ideally, you would both try to approach these challenges united in meeting all the needs of your shared family, from your child’s care to his parents’ support needs. The question, then, isn’t “who is he going to choose?” but “how are you both going to manage this together?” It’s too late for the two of you to redo this particular situation and not have a big fight over his decision to go help his parents. What you can do is think about what you want to do the next time they need help. Because it sounds like they will need help again at some point. That’s often what it means to have aging/ill parents or parents-in-law. It can be really tough for adult children and their partners, and it can definitely put strain on a relationship, but I don’t think it necessarily has to lead to a huge conflict every time.

That means that, yes, you’ll probably need to understand and accept it if he needs to go help his parents in an emergency (like his father having a stroke in another country!). But he also needs to understand how hard it is for you when he’s gone for weeks, and do what he reasonably can to minimize the time he spends away from you and your daughter. Maybe he will need to ask his siblings to help more in the future. Or maybe he will have to tell his parents, “I’m happy to come and help for X amount of time, but then I have to get back home.” When he goes to assist on a short-term basis, he should also be able to give you a general idea of how long he’ll be away (with the caveat that plans can change quickly during a crisis, and sometimes it may be hard to predict exactly). There may come a time when he needs to go back and forth more often. Whatever his parents’ short- and long-term care needs are, I think it should be a conversation you two have with the rest of his family, not something he unilaterally decides for everyone.

It’s absolutely okay for you to miss your husband when he’s gone, to want him home, to feel burdened by the situation. You can acknowledge your feelings about it, and he should understand why you feel the way you do. What I think you want to avoid is punishing him for those feelings. Focus on moving toward a discussion based on mutual support and addressing everyone’s needs. The next time a situation like this occurs, try to remember that it’s not you against him, or you against his parents, it’s the two of you managing your responsibilities to your child and family as well as you can, together.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My now retired mother has recently moved back to our home state and lives closer to me, which I’m really not happy about because I feel that as an only child she expects so much from me. She and I have had a rocky relationship for most of our lives. She’s very religious and conservative and I’m not. She gets into my personal family life, tells me what to do, expects things from me that honestly, I don’t want to do. I suffer from anxiety and after almost two years of therapy I realized that most of my anger and childhood trauma is connected to her. I would rather keep her at a distance and not have her be in my business all the time. Am I wrong to need my space? I feel that only because she’s my parent and old doesn’t mean I owe her anything, especially my tranquility and peace of mind.

—An Angry Daughter

Dear Angry Daughter,

It’s hard enough figuring out how to support aging parents when you’re not their sole child and the relationship isn’t so fraught. I can’t tell you what you “owe” your mother—only you can figure that out—but I do think it’s okay if you need some distance from her in order to maintain your own peace and stability. You can only do what you can do, and the fact is that she’s made it very difficult for you to be around her often. I hope you can take care of yourself and establish the boundaries you need, even if it’s more challenging to do so now that she’s closer geographically.

—Nicole

I have a 4-month-old son and a marvelous nanny. Let’s call her Jenny. I, my husband, and our son all adore her. However, today in a shared text conversation, she mentioned offhandedly that she’s been letting our son cry himself to sleep and then upbraided my husband for rocking him at nap- and bedtime. “That’s bad,” she said. “He has to learn to fall asleep on his own. It’s OK if he cries.” But, A, isn’t that for his parents to decide, and B, isn’t four months awful young for sleep training?