My Husband Is a Manipulative Addict—Why Do I Still Love Him?
Ask a Witch is StyleCaster’s advice column offering sage advice and practical magic for modern problems. Every Friday, our resident witch Roya Backlund will answer your most vulnerable conundrums through the lens of astrology, Tarot, and spirituality. Submit questions to askawitch@stylecaster.com, along with your birth information—date, time, and location—as well as birth information for other parties involved, if you have it. Hex what vexes you: Ask a Witch.
Dear Roya,
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My husband of 15 years has gradually become a full-blown addict. I’m desperate to understand why I’ve been hanging onto my marriage. I didn’t realize how bad it would get, and he’s manipulated me into staying for way too long. I’ve never left him—maybe because of my love for him or because of our strong bond. Maybe because of my age or my fears about struggling financially. Maybe because of a lot of things.
I’m desperately trying to summon the strength to leave him behind. I’m emotionally exhausted. He had addictive tendencies before I met him, and he’s always liked cocaine. The old saying “love is blind” couldn’t be more true. I’ve been blind.
He’s good at love-bombing me, making me feel secure, and telling me he’ll change. He has a magnetic personality, and he’s generally loving and easy to be around—until he’s not. He went to rehab promising to change, but he still relapses weekly. The only good rehab did was making him realize that he’d been lashing out at me instead of looking within.
I’m ready to move on. But I have some kind of trauma bond, I guess, that makes me freeze up when it’s time to go. I think once I leave, the fear will subside. But the idea of packing up and walking away makes me sad. I know my future holds better times and peace. I’m just trying to get there. How do I do that?
Sincerely,
Pushed & Pulled
Dear Pushed & Pulled,
The scary thing about marriage is that you never really know where it’ll take you. You could enter it with the best of intentions and the deepest trust, only to one day realize it was built on a foundation that was never very strong to begin with. When you married your husband 15 years ago, he was a much more hopeful version of himself. He still had the possibilities of several different futures sitting in front of him. Even though you say he’s always shown signs of addiction, you probably never thought it would become a lifelong issue—that it would be the ultimate outcome. Many people partake in debauchery when they’re younger, only to distance themselves from it with age. You may have assumed he would eventually grow out of it, but instead, he became consumed by it. And when you signed onto this marriage, you never thought you were consigning your life to an addict.
Chances are, you’ve been considering getting a divorce for quite some time, as marriages tend to go through rough patches every seven years. You’re just past the 14-year mark, which is when Saturn—planet of karma and limitations—forms an opposition to your marriage, which will either bring your union to a standstill or force you to overcome all odds. It sounds like you’ve both been working hard for your marriage, as you mentioned he finally went to rehab and made some healthy realizations. (Learn more about how Saturn affects your birth chart.)
However, addiction is still a deeply misunderstood disease that there is no known cure for. Even when someone has been sober for some time and taken steps to change their lifestyle, the addiction is still there. And when someone is in active addiction, they may be willing to take drastic and abusive measures in order to ease the pain. We should have empathy for anyone going through addiction, but that doesn’t necessarily mean we should sympathize with them—especially if their addiction is causing them to betray the people who care about them most. There’s no doubt that loving an addict is a traumatizing experience. It’s an experience I’ve gone through myself.
You say you can’t imagine leaving him, as you still have a deep love for him in your heart. You were born as one of the most sensitive and compassionate signs in the zodiac—Pisces. You were also born with your sun in the eighth house of intimacy and transformation, which means you go all in when you love someone. You tend to let them in completely, where you build a bond that’s so strong and strung together by secrets that it feels impossible to break. You’re someone who forms intense attachments and must break them, over and over again, as the eighth house is also where death and rebirth takes place. And because you were also born during Mercury retrograde in the eighth house, you have a tendency to internalize these attachments and remain strapped to the past. After all, being born during Mercury retrograde means you’re constantly contemplating the past, making it hard to picture the future. (Learn more about being born during Mercury retrograde.)
You also have your natal Chiron—the wounded healer—joining these planets in Pisces, it’s clear your life has been marked by beginnings and endings, making the idea of healing from yet another loss impossible to fathom. You’re someone who has grown used to setting aside your needs for the sake of someone else’s. You have a stellium of planets in Pisces, all situated in a trine to your Mars in caring and nurturing Cancer, which also happens to be located in your 12th house of subconscious energies and self-undoing. This reveals that you may deal with unseen enemies that present themselves as allies. It reveals that your sense of self is constantly triggered and shaped by the hidden agendas of others. (Learn more about the 12 astrological houses.)
As for your husband, it makes sense why you would say he’s an incredibly charismatic and fun person to be around. He was born with his rising sign in adventurous and thrill-seeking Sagittarius, making him a total firecracker—someone you probably share a limitless collection of beautiful memories with. After all, you are a Leo rising, which means you have deep compatibility, as both Leo and Sagittarius are fire signs who just “get” each other. However, it can be a heavy weight to your carry your “good times” together, especially when they cause you to rationalize the terrible things he’s done to you. Because his ruling planet is his Jupiter—planet of extravagance and self-indulgence—which happens to be in impulsive and temperamental Aries, he can also be over-the-top and difficult to keep up with. His natal Jupiter is also situated in his fifth house of fun and pleasure, which can make for someone who’s an incredible artist, but who’s also more concerned with “feeling good” than actually being good.
Your husband also has idealistic desires in life that regularly leave him disappointed. He was born with his natal Venus, planet of love and luxury, sitting opposite his natal Neptune, planet of fantasy and illusion. This gives him a constant desire to escape from reality or find something that makes existence easier, because here’s the thing—being alive is hard. There’s nothing simple about being human, and for some of us, the complicated facts of life are much more difficult to stomach. This is the case for your husband, as he never ceases to hope that something can take the pain away. And yet, the very act of avoiding the unavoidable is what makes his pain so unbearable. Your husband wants life to be devoid of boredom, sorrow, responsibility, and loss. He has trouble accepting that what he wants is impossible to have, as life is inherently difficult. (Learn more about Neptune’s impact in astrology.)
You mention you and your husband share a “trauma bond” that makes it hard to actually go through with leaving. This can be seen in the synastry you share, as your husband’s natal Chiron—the wounded healer—is also forming a conjunction to your Pisces stellium. This has increased your desire to help him through his pain, as even though it hurts you to be around, you can’t help but understand that he’s going through something unimaginable. You stick around hoping that you can show him how to heal and be a rock for him as he gets sober. Yet, the hardships just get bigger and more difficult to ignore for the both of you. Based on your husband’s upcoming transits, I foresee see his addiction becoming much worse before it has a chance of getting better. After all, Neptune will enter Aries on March 30, 2026, where it will join forces with his chart ruler—his natal Jupiter in Aries. Because Neptune is the planet of dissolution and escape, it could further detach him from reality. The last thing Neptune wants to go through is withdrawal. This dreamy planet will do whatever it can to delay tomorrow’s inevitable hangover.
However, there’s no doubt that meeting your husband was always part of your karmic journey. After all, your North Node of Destiny is in Virgo, forming an exact conjunction to his natal Virgo moon. This means that your relationship with this man was always going to be life-altering, and even though it may feel as though it’s only amounted to pain and disappointment, meeting him was always setting the stage for your ultimate destiny. You were always meant to meet him, but that doesn’t mean you were meant to stay with him forever. When you take away the addiction, there are probably many things your husband taught you and many ways he has helped you become the person you were always meant to be. But sometimes, that growth reaches a ceiling, making it a struggle to move forward. Whatever you do, don’t mourn all the “lost time,” as your relationship with your husband was always in the cards.
Fifteen years later, his addiction has caused you to feel frozen in place—as though getting a divorce is next to impossible. But it’s also inevitable if nothing changes. That’s because you’re currently sitting at a crossroads, wondering what happens next. You’re on the verge of something called your “nodal opposition,” which is when the North Node of Destiny enters the zodiac sign of your South Node of Karma, causing the past to converge with the future. While the North Node symbolizes your future, the South Node symbolizes your past. And together, these points form the whole of your karmic journey, continually cycling in and out of each other. (Learn more about your North Node of Destiny and your South Node of Karma.)
Once the North Node enters Pisces on January 11, 2025, you will continue to rethink the life you thought you wanted and realize what path you’re meant to take next. You don’t need to worry about where to go or what to do, because eventually, the universe will take over the wheel and guide you right where you’re meant to be. This will launch a beautiful and growth-oriented period of your life, as the North Node will also join forces with your Pisces stellium, tapping into your ability to be strong, resilient, and capable of rebuilding from the rubble. Sometimes, destruction leads to the most remarkable creation. And regardless of how this story ends, I’m excited for you to see all that you’re about to create next.
About Roya
Roya Backlund is StyleCaster’s Senior Lifestyle & Astrology Editor and a professional witch. Born in Los Angeles on May 26—the same day as Stevie Nicks—she’s been obsessed with the zodiac since she discovered she was a Gemini as a child. Her interest in mysteries and the occult began in the metaphysical section at her local Borders. If you’re a fan of astrology, spirituality, and witchcraft, you’ve probably read her horoscopes and lifestyle articles, which have appeared elsewhere in Elite Daily, PopSugar, Astrology.com, and more. Whether you want to delve deeper into your birth chart or interpret signs from your spirit guides, Roya’s got you covered.
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