My Husband’s Inheritance Could Change Our Family’s Life. But He Won’t Even Consider Using It.
Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband inherited a small collection of watches from his grandfather. He recently had them valued for insurance purposes, and they are worth an absolute bomb. Just one of them could pay off our mortgage and solve a huge number of financial headaches for us. I desperately want him to sell them all, clear our debts, and put some money aside, but he absolutely refuses to consider it. I’m at a loss, as he has never been particularly close to his family and he never even looks at the watches, but he absolutely refuses to explain himself. Obviously, I want him to see the bigger picture, prioritize our family, and sell the damn watches, but I am also angry that he’s making a firm decision without discussing it. Am I missing something here? How do I handle this?
—Poor and Pissed Off
Dear Poor,
Your husband has the right to do what he sees fit with the watches, and you have the right to continue to try and convince him to sell them. Clearly, he is experiencing some emotions about his grandfather connected to these items: grief, nostalgia, or perhaps regret for the familial distance you mention—in which case, getting rid of them might feel like a further betrayal. Instead of approaching this as a confrontation only about valuable objects, be gentle and try to make space for whatever emotions come up. Implore him to explain just what his reasons are for holding on to the watches and help him process those feelings. Then, you can remind him again how much better your lives could be if he were to let them go. Instead of pushing him to sell them all, offer a compromise in which he could save one or two that mean the most to him. You could let him know that it bothers you that he is making this decision on his own without your input, but if that’s not a pattern in your relationship, it may not be worth it here, given the particular emotions involved. That’s really all you can do, unfortunately. Your husband will have to realize that selling at least some of the watches is in his best interest, but you can’t make this choice for him.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I was a teen dad. My son “Kyle” is now 15, and I’m 31. My parents and his other grandparents do as much as they can, but I’m his only surviving parent, and will also be the only one on the hook for his college costs in a few years. College changed my life, and I know with his love for writing and his grades, Kyle wants to go too.
I’ve been with 33-year-old “Meg” for three years, and I knew we wanted to be serious from the beginning. We talked about wanting a relationship that would become a marriage. She’s wonderful, and a great stepmom to Kyle, and they’re very close. We all live together, and we planned to have another kid together, but she blindsided me by saying she doesn’t want to have a baby until we’re married. I would love to marry her, but the problem is, our combined incomes would wreck Kyle’s financial aid options. We’re at an impasse: She wants to be a mom, I want another child, but the financial side of this isn’t negotiable.
She says having a baby together without the security of marriage “feels risky,” but we live together! I’m happy to marry her when Kyle graduates, but she’s worried about fertility by then. She’s really unhappy about this, but I don’t want to be a dad that lets his kid down for a new stepparent. I don’t understand why she’s so obsessed with having a ring on her finger. Marriage doesn’t guarantee anything. People get divorced all the time. Having a baby doesn’t change that, but I can’t get her to look at this logically. How do I explain this to her so she’ll listen?
—FAFSA Worries
Dear FAFSA Worries,
It’s not unreasonable for Meg to want to be married in order to have a child. There are men who have picked up and left their children. Granted, married dads have done this too, but marriage provides certain legal recourse in those situations. Ask Meg what exactly she is worried about happening. If it’s a matter of assessing your commitment, perhaps she would be willing to have a wedding ceremony, in which you affirm your intentions in front of your loved ones, without going through the process of becoming legally married until your son graduates. If she’s worried about what would happen if you split up, you all could draw up a legal agreement regarding how you intend to divide shared assets and manage the care of your child if that were to be the case. (You might also consult a financial aid expert, if you haven’t yet, to be sure that marriage would definitely impact your son’s aid package in the way that you worry—there may be creative ways around that.) You can also, of course, continue to try and convince her that you are no less committed to being a loyal partner and active dad than you would be if you were married, but that you cannot jeopardize your son’s chances at college in the service of a new child. Hopefully, you can come to an agreement.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My wife and I recently took our 3-year-old daughter on a play date with the 2-year-old son of one of my best friends at their house, and the boy wouldn’t share any of his toys. The second my daughter would try to play with a toy, he would take it from her. If he got distracted, she could sneak in a few minutes with a toy before he noticed and took it away. His mom would verbally tell him he has to share repeatedly, but would never follow through and actually make him share.
My friend and I stepped out for a bit, so I only saw this at the tail end of the day, but even my friend didn’t do anything to intervene other than saying “Do you want to share that?” I know if the situation were reversed, I would have physically removed the toy from my daughter’s hands to make sure it was shared with our guest. I also know there are a million philosophies to parenting and I don’t want to judge them or step on their toes, but I also don’t want to put my daughter through that again without being better prepared.
I did explain to my daughter after the fact that it was wrong, that the boy should have shared his toys, and that she handled the situation well and should be proud of herself. However, I imagine this will be somewhat common, and I want to handle it better in the moment next time without rocking the boat and making this awkward with other parents. Are there any subtle techniques/ways to navigate this situation in the moment without making it awkward with the other parents?
—Don’t Rock the Boat, Baby
Dear Don’t Rock,
The selfishness of other kids is something your daughter will encounter throughout her entire childhood and unfortunately, not all other parents will respond well when it’s their kid being stingy. To be fair, a 2-year-old is in a very different place from 3-year-old, developmentally speaking, so it’s not entirely surprising that your friend’s son doesn’t yet know how to take turns. In the future, you can walk up to the other child and ask them to share. Explain that your child wants to play, too, and that it would be nice of them to let her have a turn. If they refuse, then let their parent deal with it. To avoid situations like this one, it may be better for your daughter’s first time playing with a new kid happen with you present, so that you can respond (and if necessary, remove her from the situation). As far as your daughter goes, when these things happen, continue to let her know that she hasn’t done anything wrong to lead to another child being mean or selfish towards her.
—Jamilah
My son, a high school freshman, is a very laid-back and relaxed 15-year-old. This was great when he was younger—rarely was there a tantrum or strong resistance—but as a teenager it makes me so worried. We cannot get him motivated about school, or to find his passions. He puts in little effort and does fine. But he is very bright, and with even a modest effort he could do quite well. He doesn’t get in trouble at school, has many friends, and hasn’t pushed our boundaries beyond what is appropriate at his age. Perhaps this is our own hangup about how he should be successful. Do we just let him find his way?
