My Husband Has Been Cheating on Me for 20 Years—Why Can’t I Walk Away?
Ask a Witch is StyleCaster’s advice column offering sage advice and practical magic for modern problems. Every Friday, our resident witch Roya Backlund will answer your most vulnerable conundrums through the lens of astrology, Tarot, and spirituality. Submit questions to askawitch@stylecaster.com, along with your birth information—date, time, and location—as well as birth information for other parties involved, if you have it. Hex what vexes you: Ask a Witch.
Dear Roya,
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I fell in love and married my husband two decades ago, when I was in my early 20s. A couple years ago, my long-running intuition tugged hard enough that I straight-up cornered him and asked him if he’d ever cheated. To my stunned surprise, the answer was yes—and so much worse than I ever imagined. He’d always cheated, from the very beginning. For the last few years, he’s basically tortured me with different versions of the story—adding in details, throwing it in my face, and then begging for forgiveness.
So yes, I understand he probably scammed me the whole time—that he love-bombed me early on and strung me along as his penned-up pet while he roamed every neighborhood we lived in. I recognize the narcissism and selfishness and abuse.
But I don’t know what I’m truly feeling. I actively hate him, hate who he’s become, and relish my time alone. And yet, now that some time has passed, I wonder why I can’t cut him out of my life. I’ve cut out abusive and toxic people before, permanently. But with him, I feel eternally connected.
Maybe it’s because I truly fell in love with him, and my commitment to him comes from a place of purity in my heart. Maybe it’s because my feelings were real, even if his weren’t. Maybe it’s because I’m just being naive. Sometimes I see a small star of hope in his heavily clouded sky, but I wonder if that’s me just staring at a fake-ass airplane he manufactured to lead me on.
I have things I want to accomplish in my life—big things. And I need to know if he’s my ride-or-die or if he’s just along for the free ride.
Tough love or true love?
Sincerely,
Hanging On
Dear Hanging On,
You ask if your marriage is either “tough love or true love,” but I think it can be both. There’s no doubt this love is tough, and you’ve made it clear you already know that. But is this love “true”? Truth implies that something exists, but it does not judge what exists. Either something is or isn’t. A fact is either true or false. And if you still feel love for your husband after everything he’s done to you, then that love is absolutely true. But there are even deeper questions you’re trying to ask, like: Is this love healthy or good for me? What does staying with this man say about me? The reason you aren’t asking these questions yet is because once you ask them, you already know the answer. Having to ask these questions at all is a sign that what you have with this man is not working.
When you’re 20 years into a marriage and it becomes obvious that it was a bad investment, something called the “sunk cost fallacy” takes hold of your heart. You met your husband when you were in your early 20s, an age society deems a woman’s “prime.” Since then, you’ve grown up with your husband and molded your life with him. For better or worse, so many of your best memories are tied to him. And now that you’re in your 40s, it’s hard to imagine abandoning all the time, energy, and love you’ve poured into this person. Instead of cutting your losses and setting yourself free, you remain stuck in what feels familiar, looking for some shred of hope that all is not lost. It’s hard to believe it’s truly over because you have yet to fully accept that he was never the person you thought he was. You still hope you can spot “a small star of hope in his heavily clouded sky,” because it would somehow make it less painful that you’ve spent 20 years with a liar who never deserved your trust.
Your birth chart also reflects your hesitancy to leave this marriage. You were born with your Venus—planet of love and relationships—in Leo, sitting in your fifth house of pleasure and romance. This means you have a lot to give and a strong desire for that otherworldly “can’t eat, can’t sleep” type of love. But your natal Saturn—planet of discipline and restriction—is also sitting in your fifth house, clogging the natural flow of affection to and from your heart. Saturn represents the karma we’ve accrued and the things we need to rectify, delaying our ability to get what we want. And once you finally get something, you never want to let go of it.
But the truth is, you still have yet to get the love you want. You never really had it in the first place, and those Saturnine delays are still playing out. Simply put, it’s hard for you to open your heart to someone at all, which makes it so much harder to shut it off once you realize you’re getting hurt. Your moon is also in Aquarius, which forms an exact opposition to your natal Venus. This reveals that your emotions are often at odds with your romantic desires, as if you’re attracted to things that don’t make you feel safe. (Learn more about your Venus sign.)
Your husband’s birth chart reflects what he is—a serial cheater. He was born with a sun-Mars conjunction in Aquarius, giving him a boost of primal and rampant sex drive. And because this conjunction is sitting in his 12th house of subconscious and hidden energies, he has an idealized understanding of what connection should look like and he’s deeply passionate about what happens in secret. He knows his desires are taboo, which is why he’s become so good at lying about them. He’s also a Pisces rising, making him deeply persuasive, charming, and mesmerizing, but also sneaky, slick, and hard to catch. (This does not mean everyone born under these placements will be a sex addict or an adulterer, but it does shed light on the motivations behind your husband’s cheating.)
Despite being a cheater, he would love to keep up appearances as a married man. He was born with a moon-Venus conjunction in adventurous and larger-than-life Sagittarius. This conjunction is sitting in his 10th house of public image, which shows how much he wants to be seen as the most desirable man in existence—a Casanova, if you will. Being a loyal husband is a terrifying prospect for him, as it would mean having to be less desirable to other women. His natal Saturn is sitting in his seventh house of partnerships, which means that learning how to be dedicated to someone else is a lifelong lesson for him. The idea of being “tied down” only intensifies his desire to escape, as his moon-Venus conjunction forms a tight square to his natal Saturn. He wants to have a marriage and play the part of the doting husband, but actually being that husband feels, in many ways, like a prison sentence. And because his natal Saturn is retrograde, he probably did not have a strong male role model to look up to as a child. In other words, he never learned how to be the man you need him to be.
Now, I need to give it to you straight, because you deserve to hear it—you love him more than he loves you. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you at all, but it does mean that your heart has always been his, but his heart has never truly been yours. This has absolutely nothing to do with you not being good enough for him, because the truth is—his heart belongs to no one but himself. No one is “good enough” for him and he will never truly give his heart to any woman. Your sun, Mercury, and Jupiter are all in emotional and nurturing Cancer, sitting in your husband’s fifth house of romance. This indicates a strong pull toward your husband, as he represents many of the qualities you’re most attracted to. Your Aquarius moon is also forming an exact conjunction to his sun and Mars in Aquarius, which shows how much you’re in awe of him. However, it also means you’re emotionally invested in the parts of himself that are most prone to lying, as your moon is also sitting in his 12th house of unseen energies, making it impossible to truly trust him. There’s always something he’s not telling you. He’s always kept you in the dark about so many things. And while you’ve always seen him as your one and only, he’s seen you as his one of many. (Learn more about the 12 astrological houses.)
You also mention that he has “tortured” you with different versions of the story, rubbing the details of his cheating in your face. This is obviously sadistic and abusive because he isn’t moved by the fact that you still haven’t left him—he actually resents you for it and looks down on you because of it. Your Venus in Leo directly opposes his Mars in Aquarius, which shows your unending desire for him and his constant pushback. While this can certainly—and likely will—manifest as mind-blowing sexual chemistry, it also shows that he gets off on your obedience and loves the power he thinks he has over you. I can almost guarantee that if you leave, he will start chasing you harder than a cheetah on the hunt for a gazelle. But that will only be because he knows he’s losing power over you, not because he actually plans to become a better man for you. This is all a game to him. (Learn more about your Mars sign.)
Learning how to navigate unions and one-on-one relationships is a core aspect of your destiny in this life. In fact, it’s why you incarnated on Earth in the first place. You were born with your North Node in Libra, sitting in your seventh house of partnerships. This means that your journey to finding and maintaining the relationship you’ve always deserved is far from over. And because your South Node is in Aries—sitting in your first house of the self—you are very comfortable being alone. In many of your past lives, you may have even deliberately chosen to be alone, as a life of independence and responsibility to no one but yourself allowed you to achieve great things. But in this life, you’re meant to learn how to appreciate the benefits of being with someone who actually makes your life better. And while you may technically still be married to your husband, you’re still alone. He’s not totally, completely, and fully “with” you. There’s some part of you that chose a partner who would reinforce your deep-seated belief that you’ll always be alone. That doesn’t mean being alone hasn’t been painful, but it does feel familiar. And what is familiar will always feel more comfortable. (Learn more about your North Node of Destiny.)
A couple of years ago, he finally admitted that he’d been cheating on you for the entire duration of your marriage. And it happened during your “nodal opposition.” This is when the North Node transits the zodiac sign of your South Node, causing your past to converge with your future. This is when you realize that so much of what you thought you wanted was never what you wanted at all. It reveals that what you’ve always believed in may never have been true in the first place. Your nodal opposition is when your perspective of the past totally changes, along with the possibilities for your future. But that doesn’t mean this is the end of the road. You’re still in this marriage, standing at a crossroads, wondering what happens next. But the marriage you thought you had is already over, and the way this story ends depends on you. (Learn more about your South Node of Karma.)
Right now, you’ve been given a map with several paths to take, each heading to a very different destination. And while you can’t know for sure where these paths will lead you, you do know you can’t stay put for long. You will have to choose a road eventually, and with your North Node moving you toward healthy and healing relationships, the universe will do everything it can to help you break away from these limiting patterns. You were never meant to be in a relationship with someone who is not really there. You were meant to find someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them. He will never change for you, but you can change for you.
About Roya
Roya Backlund is StyleCaster’s Senior Lifestyle & Astrology Editor and a professional witch. Born in Los Angeles on May 26—the same day as Stevie Nicks—she’s been obsessed with the zodiac since she discovered she was a Gemini as a child. Her interest in mysteries and the occult began in the metaphysical section at her local Borders. If you’re a fan of astrology, spirituality, and witchcraft, you’ve probably read her horoscopes and lifestyle articles, which have appeared elsewhere in Elite Daily, PopSugar, Astrology.com, and more. Whether you want to delve deeper into your birth chart or interpret signs from your spirit guides, Roya’s got you covered.
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