My Husband Asked If One of Us Was the “Default Parent.” He Couldn’t Handle My Answer.
Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
After we put the kids (1F and 2M) to bed the other night, my husband asked me if there was a default parent in our relationship. I asked why, and he said someone at work had brought it up at lunch because their wife had been yelling at them the night before about how she was tired of being the default parent and wanted things to change. I told my husband that yes, we do have a default parent and it’s me. He asked what that meant for me, and I said I’d ask him a list of questions to give him an idea. I asked him if he’s ever thought about needing to buy diapers, wipes, diaper cream, or any medication our kids ever need or if there’s just always more of each in the spot it’s kept; if he’s ever needed to switch the clothes in the kids’ dresser because they’re not the right size and season or if he can just reach in and grab something because it’s right; if he’s ever looked through their wardrobe for a season and determined what is missing and needs to be purchased, then bought it; if he has the phone number for the desk at the doctor’s office instead of the answering service and knows which receptionist to ask for when you need a last-minute day-of appointment; if daycare had ever called him first even though we listed his number first; if the kids come to him when they want a pouch opened or if they’ll walk past him to find and ask me; and if he has ever automatically assumed he needed to get up when one of them woke up at night or if he waited to see if I was doing it yet.
He told me he just assumed I didn’t mind taking care of most of that stuff because I’d never said anything and that he’d take some of that on if I just told him what I didn’t want to do. I thanked him for being more aware of it and told him he could take on keeping us stocked with all diaper change supplies and medicines. He asked me what size diaper each is in, which store I usually buy them from, how often I usually do it, and if there was a certain brand for each medicine because he sometimes noticed the bottles were different. I kind of laughed and told him the fact that he needs to ask all those questions is why I’ve just always taken care of it. It’s easier to do it myself than “teach” him how to do it and then also check and make sure he’s continuing to do it (or maybe find out he isn’t when there suddenly aren’t any more diapers). He got mad and said it sounds like I think all he does is make my life more difficult. I reminded him that he was the one who initiated this conversation and wanted to know the reality of being the default parent, that I have never once complained about any of this, and that I was calm the whole time we talked about it. He was the one getting upset. And that if he was upset at hearing this, he had complete control over changing it.
It’s been a few days and he’s been pretty quiet, but he did come home from work yesterday with diapers and wipes in the correct size for each of our kids and said he has a reminder in his phone for every two weeks for more. Should I specifically talk to him about this more, or let him adjust to figuring out that our realities of parenting are so different?
—I Kind of Thought He Knew Already
Dear Thought He Knew,
Bravo! I want to save this letter, because it is a great example—on both your parts—of how to deal with this really loaded situation. He was curious and asked for your thoughts; you gave concrete examples that he could understand and that were not about his actions; he asked how to help; you explained that burden; and he actually followed through and did the thing! I’m not even disappointed that he got defensive at the end, because he’s a human being, and he was in a Catch-22 when he asked how he could help, so it’s perfectly understandable. I have no notes, you both earned an A in partnership today!
In terms of your question, you can open the conversation again, but only insofar as to check in. No one really likes being confronted with the notion that they aren’t pulling their weight in the way they thought they were, so you want to be sensitive to that. Give him some time. Maybe bring home his favorite dessert and tell him that you appreciated his curiosity and willingness to listen, as well as his follow-through. See if he wants to talk and reflect about it at all.
If either of you are interested in rebalancing more responsibilities, that’s great, but I wouldn’t use this first conversation to do it. Use this one just to get on the same general page, and talk about the specific tasks in a few days or a week. When you do, you can use a book like Fair Play or similar to help guide you. Good luck!
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I are having a disagreement and need an impartial party to weigh in. When he’s sick, he plants himself on the couch in the living room and spends the day there trying to nap and rest. I ask him if he’s sick enough to not be able to help with child care (which he always claims to be) to please go to a different room that our kids are not located in. They are 1 and 2 and do not understand him being in the room but basically refusing to interact with them. It also makes me angry/annoyed every time I have to walk by him to deal with something kid-related that he can hear/see but is just “too unwell” for. He says he would feel guilty removing himself entirely.
This happens probably once a month. I’ve gotten to the point where I won’t step in to stop the kids from bothering him. Two-year-old wants to climb up on the couch, straddle you, and starting bouncing up and down? Wouldn’t be happening if you were in the guest bedroom on a different floor of the house! My friend weighed in on my side, but he said of course she’d support me, she’s my friend. So, person who knows us in no way: Who’s right here?
—If You Can’t Help, Go Away
Dear Go Away,
You are. Listen, I appreciate the value of a good old couch nap. I’m generally for it, and when I’m sick, I don’t always want to be cooped up in my room. But when you have asked him to leave and he won’t because he says he would feel guilty, what I hear is, “I know my illness is putting a logistical and emotional burden on you, but it’s more important to me that I get to pretend I’m being present than it is to actually be helpful.”
That might be uncharitable—maybe being around the kids does legitimately bring him joy and comfort and he’s lonely in the bedroom. If that’s the case, then you’re handling things just fine. He has made his bed—literally—and must lie in it. But I think no matter what, you can ask for a more in-depth explanation as to why he does this, because right now, he’s kind of just assuming you’ll roll with it, and that’s not cool.
Bottom line: If seeing him on the couch while you work double-time raises your blood pressure, he needs to go elsewhere. And if you don’t care where he is, so long as you don’t have to play referee, that’s fine too. But also tell him to go see a doctor. Getting this run down on a monthly basis is not normal.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband does most of the grocery shopping for our family. Every week, he buys a couple of boxes of sugary cereal for our kids (9, 7, and 5). I’ve been concerned for a while about how much sugar our kids consume. Diabetes runs in my husband’s family, and while I know that eating sugar doesn’t directly cause diabetes, I worry that we’re getting into bad habits that will increase their diabetes risk even more in the future.
My husband is not at all concerned about any of this. He basically thinks that eating sugary cereal is just part of being a kid, and our children are all at healthy weights, even a little on the slim side. Each of them is pretty stubborn and picky, so I know it’s going to be a huge fight to get them to eat something else. I think it’s important to try to cut down on our sugar intake a little bit, but I’m finding it hard to stick to my guns when everyone in this house thinks I’m a huge buzzkill. Is this a battle worth choosing?
—Not So Sweet
Dear Sweet,
This is one of those situations that feels like an all-or-nothing scenario, but I don’t think it needs to be. You can work together to find ways to incorporate the cereal without it being the only focus of breakfast. For example, you can mix the cereal with Greek yogurt, or serve it with a side of turkey sausage and fruit, etc. Or pick a few days a week where you make alternative breakfast for the whole family, like breakfast muffins Monday, or granola and smoothies on the weekends. If you go down the nutritionist rabbit hole on social media, you’ll find a lot of professionals who advise that eating some indulgent food is fine if it helps you also eat the good stuff. (Think ranch dressing on carrot sticks.) There’s also a lot of evidence that limiting whole categories of food, and labeling foods as good or bad, can lead to disordered eating in the future. So, however you want to do it, figure out a way you can both be comfortable with balancing nutrition and fun in your household.
If you’re really committed to diversifying your cereals but are concerned about the picky eaters, you can host a taste-test party (with no boring earth-tone boxes visible) where everyone gets to try several new varieties in a fun way. Just be aware that some of the healthy-seeming cereals have as much or more sugar than their chocolatey counterparts, so shop smart.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My father-in-law insists on cooking for almost every holiday gathering. He’s very generous. But there’s one problem: He consistently undercooks food and makes it inedible and dangerous to consume. I’ve been served raw hamburger and pink chicken and he’s in shock when I don’t eat it or take it away from my young daughter, insisting that it’s done! My partner thinks I’m overreacting, but the food is visibly uncooked. Last night I finally vomited and had diarrhea from the raw burger but haven’t told my family yet. How can I tell him kindly and gently that he needs to cook food safely so we can eat it without offending him?
—Tummy Troubles
Dear Tummy Troubles,
Yikes, you don’t want to mess around with raw food. This is a hard one to definitively advise on because it’s so specific to individual personalities and relationship dynamics. I tend to think stuff like this is best coming from the child of the parents in question—so, in this case, your partner. You literally got sick, so this is no longer something that they can roll their eyes and blow off. They should be able to have a heart-to-heart with their dad, awkward though it might be.
How exactly to approach it can vary, but I think that any opportunity to point to a third party—rather than telling your FIL that he does a poor job cooking—helps. You or your partner can tell him about a neighbor’s daughter who got super sick from undercooked meat, or describe a serious directive about food safety that you received from your pediatrician, etc. Fiction? Maybe, but for an important reason. I also think you can consider swallowing your pride and just saying something self-deprecating like, “I know, I probably sound paranoid, but I am just really a stickler for food temperature, I appreciate you understanding.” You could even buy a fancy meat thermometer that you keep at your FIL’s place and use as food is being plated. Anything for you or your daughter that pings a number you don’t like goes in the microwave. Is this annoying? Yes. Should you have to throw yourself under the bus for something like this? No. But sometimes the ends justify the means.
—Allison
I’m a 35-year-old single woman and last year I began have a panicked feeling that my time was running out to meet someone and have kids. I have been seeing a counselor since last September about it, and she has helped me sort through my feelings and look at my options. I have come to understand that the thing that’s most important to me is to have a child, and that marriage is not in fact what really interests me. She helped me look at becoming a solo mom by choice as a real possibility.
