You'll Positively Die Laughing At The 50 Funniest Tweets By Women Last Month
The Writers Guild of America went on strike this week, and I hope you'll join me in publicly voicing your support! Everyone deserves to be paid a fair and livable wage.
Writer’s Assistant, Showrunner Assistant and Script Coordinators all got let go this week from their rooms when we called the strike so if you want to support, maybe consider supporting them. Donate to the Entertainment Community Funds. https://t.co/eL1etvdE1W
— Caroline “WGA Captain” Renard (@carolinerenard_) May 4, 2023
Twitter: @carolinerenard_
Many of the women featured in these roundups are also members of the WGA, so make sure you follow all these hilarious ladies on Twitter!
1.
imagine being glen powell’s gf and seeing that he cheated on you w sydney sweeney and everyone’s reaction is “real hollywood is back! that’s showbiz baby!”
2.
Millennials watching Gen-Z post about how quaint the post 9/11 Bush years must have been pic.twitter.com/T9rFFnUq2A
— Sarah Solomon (@sarahsolfails) April 6, 2023
Twitter: @sarahsolfails
3.
“what that mouth do?” complain
— ✩ (@embreoo) April 14, 2023
Twitter: @embreoo
4.
When a situation like the Tucker Carlson firing happens, rather than react with glee, I try to take a beat to think through who might be most affected by the fallout. I’ve done that & now I want to say, I feel really bad for alcohol.
5.
I heard a strange sound on the baby monitor so I went to check the dog is on the chair looking guilty and the baby has dog hair in his mouth
6.
enough pic.twitter.com/ox4QzIHEBO
— jasminericegirl 🍚 (@jasminericegirl) April 13, 2023
Person 1: "Girl i'm in need for the best, juciest tits in the world 😍 Is there a chance you know where i can find them 😉"
Person 2: "my tits are small and i'm crazy. leave me alone"
Twitter: @jasminericegirl
7.
just remembered how invested trump got in the kristen stewart cheating on robert pattinson drama……… chilling
— Sydney Battle (@SydneyBattle) April 27, 2023
Twitter: @SydneyBattle
8.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:My husband got me flowers!I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal houseworkI did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorryI apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
9.
thinking about the couple from my high school who did couples therapy after 4 months of dating when they were 16
— bailey moon (@Baileymoon15) April 3, 2023
Twitter: @Baileymoon15
10.
the worst high i had was when i took some delta 8 gummies someone from tiktok gave me .. i ate the whole pack cause i didn’t feel high… 1 hour later i woke up 2 days later
11.
i had to transcribe prison phone calls in college & the no.1 thing I learned was that if you’re in a gang you do NOT get severance if you go to prison. you are ON those phones! you are WORKING remote! 10 to 15 at a desk job baby! logistics! gang HR! and tbh it ran pretty smooth
12.
This $725 mil facebook settlement is hilarious when split between the 3 billion users. Quick! go claim your 35 cents!!
13.
You just can’t expect me to hit play on a show or movie with this color scheme. It’s not for me. I respect it but I’m not behind it
14.
one time we were watching wrestling and a guy took out a huge barrel of thumbtacks and poured it all over another guy and the ring, and i gasped and then went "oh. aww". and my husband looked at me as if he was seeing me for the first time and said "you thought that was glitter."
15.
novels are so great. novels are like "i made up a little weirdo. oh no, now he's in trouble!"
16.
Me watching my kid play pretend with his toys: Amazing, the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, he’s a genius. Me being forced to play the same game with the same toys with him: This is so boring, I will die here.
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) April 13, 2023
Twitter: @clhubes
17.
https://t.co/Qbfg4okgH8 pic.twitter.com/x9fQdtSuHR
— Hannah Menchhoff (@HannahMichaelaM) April 13, 2023
Person 1: "saw biden in dc. anon pls"
Deuxmoi: "Likely place for him to be"
Twitter: @HannahMichaelaM
18.
12yo: I’ve been thinking about something. So, Wario and Waluigi are the opposite of Mario and Luigi in every way. Therefore since Mario and Luigi’s jobs are to unclog toilets, Wario and Waluigi’s jobs must be to clog toilets
19.
Suddenly remembered back when I worked at Blockbuster, a mom came in and watched her kids run around and spill popcorn all over the floor while she shopped like nothing was happening. So when she came to the register I handed her a broom 😂😂😂. I miss young me, she was bold😂
20.
IT HAPPENED TO ME: I finally met someone who actually says the word “achoo” when she sneezes
21.
my boyfriend (who doesn’t watch succession) said “only white people can have a show where none of the main characters are hot” and i need a minute
— Marina Watanabe (@marinashutup) April 18, 2023
Twitter: @marinashutup
22.
I had a carpenter bee repeatedly landing on my arms and face and licking me today. I licked my arm to figure out wtf was going on but it just tasted like plain arm. What the hell was that about.
23.
they love to tell us that q-tips are both incredibly dangerous *and* not even good at removing ear wax. hmmm interesting so you’re saying your enemy is both weak and strong at the same time??? where have I heard that before???
24.
men will literally spend decades asking about the mysterious green ribbon around your neck instead of going to therapy
25.
I think my therapist just fired me because she “doesn’t understand all this online stuff”. She asked me if I wanted to talk to someone my own age 😭
26.
I fucking hate how long it took me to realize that that isn't a crazy weird Grinch mountain in Starry Night but a cypress tree in the foreground
27.
a year into our relationship we were staying at his mum’s place and I started making the bed one morning and he said “babe stop! my mum will do that, she LOVES making the bed for me” https://t.co/wlRP29dCLu
28.
An IT guy is remotely controlling my work computer and the last thing I searched was Taylor Swift height and then because it gave me the answer in meters, I searched Taylor swift height in feet!!! This is HUMILIATING 😭😭😭
29.
as a society we’re underutilizing bread bowls. like what else could we put in there
30.
getting cozy in bed then realizing you have to pee pic.twitter.com/ud4wRJpIyn
— Abby Barr (@1AbbyRoad) April 27, 2023
Photos from: The Walt Disney Co. / Twitter: @1abbyroad
31.
I helped a Nazi cover-up their swastika tattoo today. Looking at it now you'd never know it was there, pretty wild what six feet of dirt can do.
— Brandy Bryant🏳️⚧️ (@InkMasterbator) April 5, 2023
Twitter: @InkMasterbator
32.
Investment advice: put brie on the counter before bed so it will be soft in the morning
— Jenny Nicholson (@JennyENicholson) April 12, 2023
Twitter: @JennyENicholson
33.
women weren't even allowed to have a credit card in their own name until 1974 so it's actually super empowering of me to have three maxed out credit cards
— chase (@_chase_____) April 17, 2023
Twitter: @_chase_____
34.
Twitter usage is down so much that I posted a tweet with a typo and not one man corrected me
— Ginny Hogan (@ginnyhogan_) April 16, 2023
Twitter: @ginnyhogan_
35.
the beautician when I go for my wax: https://t.co/ZdFOTIFVjM
— Mollie Goodfellow (@hansmollman) April 6, 2023
Twitter: @hansmollman
36.
“can you explain the gaps in your resume?” yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) April 18, 2023
Twitter: @ElyKreimendahl
37.
Parenting is ok except for every once in a while when my 3-year-old requests “Ham Hands” for lunch, which is when she takes two handfuls of ham and eats it in the living room while she watches tv.
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) April 11, 2023
Twitter: @missmulrooney
38.
Some guy tried a romance scam on me and I went along to counter scam him. He finally asks for money, so I say "all my money is in Switzerland in a trustfund but to get it I need money for a plane ticket" he replies "that sounds like a scam" 😂
— الكسندرا ميراي (@LexiAlex) April 10, 2023
Twitter: @LexiAlex
39.
why are you unsubscribing from this email list?☑️you no longer want to receive these☑️you never signed up at all, you just bought one thing from this place two years ago and now they're emailing you daily like you're their son
— Lane Moore📕Denver 5/11, NYC 5/26 (@hellolanemoore) April 3, 2023
Twitter: @hellolanemoore
40.
Lol my daughter told me lately at school recess she’s been gardening and I was like what and she said “I asked the recess teacher if I could just have a bit of earth”
— Amber Sparks (@ambernoelle) April 1, 2023
Twitter: @ambernoelle
41.
Genuinely how do Aldi not get sued every single day pic.twitter.com/GXGG08w3O9
— Mollie Goodfellow (@hansmollman) April 14, 2023
Twitter: @hansmollman
42.
My daughter apparently submitted a handwritten cover letter and resume to the daycare attached to her school to apply for a job working with the toddlers. She said she has 8 years of experience.She's 8 years old.
— star•gyal (@beequammie) April 21, 2023
Twitter: @beequammie
43.
At a school art fair and spent a while marveling at the depth of this 6th grader’s piece titled “feel the feeling” before I realized the painting had just slipped out of the cardboard frame and was on the floor below it pic.twitter.com/rbH00tNojK
— maura quint (possibly parody sometimes depending) (@behindyourback) April 1, 2023
Twitter: @behindyourback
44.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
— Cara Lisette (@CaraLisette) April 13, 2023
Twitter: @CaraLisette
45.
My favorite Ed Sheeran song is the one where he’s like “personally, I’m a multimillionaire super star, but I really miss the shitty town I grew up in. Here’s a list of how shitty all my extremely poor friends are doing right now.”
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) April 15, 2023
Twitter: @clhubes
46.
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) April 21, 2023
Person 1: "Girls, does anyone wanna do a soul cycle class lmao. And before you say no, keep in mind! It could be fun and exciting"
Person 2: "No"
Twitter: @1followernodad
47.
Gender isn't binary, except for the two (2) shows about soccer. The boy show (Ted Lasso) is about what happens when boys play soccer (crying), and the girl show (Yellowjackets) is about what happens when girls play soccer (murder). Both shows are accurate.
— Emily St. James (@emilystjams) April 19, 2023
Twitter: @emilystjams
48.
Was waiting for my bag at the airport carousel and a guy goes out of his way to stand RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, so I audibly laughed, stepped right in front of HIM, and then my bag was the first one out from our flight 💅🏾
— Alexis Nikole Nelson (@blackforager) April 21, 2023
Twitter: @blackforager
49.
Hey, Viagra. I'm a trans woman with a moderate following and I think it'd be hilarious if you sponsored me so we can see all of the meltdown videos of limp dick old men flushing their boner pills.
— Brandy Bryant🏳️⚧️ (@InkMasterbator) April 14, 2023
Twitter: @InkMasterbator
50.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said "nothing," then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) April 14, 2023
Twitter: @missmulrooney
Don't miss the funniest tweets by women in March:
If You Don't Cackle Like A Hyena At These 35 Viral Tweets By Women, You Have No Sense Of Humor
