How to get through TV sex scenes with your teens without dying of embarrassment

If family TV night is something you can sustain even through your kid's tween and teenage years, kudos to you. And if you've figured out a way to do so with everyone surviving the sex scenes of your favorite shows unscathed? Then even more kudos to you!

Because as a mom who recently got through The White Lotus with her high schooler, I can attest to the fact that it is awkward — so awkward, in fact, that eventually, on the advice of a friend with a teen of her own, we started fast-forwarding through sex scenes the second they popped up.

My daughter did not protest. But I started to worry: Was skipping through the naughty bits sending the wrong message?

Possibly, according to Bridgett Khoury, a Long Beach, Calif.-based sex educator and founder of the School of Sexuality, which works with parents to empower and educate youth on issues of sex and identity. "Respect your young person's boundaries — maybe they need you to fast-forward through some of the scenes," she tells Yahoo Life. "But if it's the adult fast-forwarding because they cannot handle it, then I think there is some internal work that needs to be done."

For more advice on this issue, I had some tough conversations with Khoury as well as other experts, including adolescent-focused psychologist Barbara Greenberg, of Connecticut, who also advises generally taking cues from your teen. "Look at your kid and gauge their comfort level," she suggests. "If everybody's uncomfortable, then ask your child: 'Do you want to discuss? Do you want to fast-forward?' Take their temperature."

Don't expect the discussion to be fun, of course. "It's always awkward," Greenberg says. “They don't want to watch these scenes with you either. They'd much rather watch them without you."

New York City sex educator Lindsay Fram agrees, telling Yahoo Life, "It's perfectly normal to feel awkward and uncomfortable watching a sex scene with your child, especially a particularly graphic one. And it's normal for them to feel awkward watching with you."

She adds that, "especially for young people who are moving through puberty and beginning to recognize the new and different ways their own bodies respond to sexual stimuli, it can be particularly embarrassing to have that experience sitting on the couch with their family."

But before you settle in around the screen, take some time to evaluate your own personal values around sex, sexuality, identity and relationships, suggests Khoury, who is a mom of two kids, ages 11 and 16. "If you don't take that time to consider what messages you want to give your children about sexuality, you'll find you're processing your own feelings rather than driving the conversation the way you want it to go," she says. "Ask yourself: 'Do I want to be super sex-positive? Do I have some boundaries around sexuality? Where do they come from?' Consider your own upbringing, experiences and messages you were given as a young person. Did they come from society? Religion? Parents? And are you satisfied with those messages?"

Once you've gotten a bit of a handle on all that, put some thought into what, exactly, you'll be watching together.

"Set some boundaries about what you and your child are ready to discuss, and use resources like Common Sense Media before you jump in head-first," Khoury adds. Then think about what conversations you're ready and willing to have, and also what your big kid may or may not be ready for.

But, she stresses "using media to have big conversations is a great way to get the ball rolling… but having candid conversations about something you watched on TV or a movie or heard in a song is great way to touch on topics you might not normally."

Still, it's bound to make someone feel a little squirmy. It's what we do with those uncomfortable feelings, say the experts, that really matters.

Acknowledge the cringe factor

When a sex scene suddenly pops up and lingers on-screen during family time, "it's helpful to say something that acknowledges how awkward that moment can be without being judgmental or shameful," Fram suggests. "It can be as simple as saying something like, 'Well, this is awkward.' Then, if it is your preference is to fast-forward through the scene, go ahead and do so — just announce it first and offer a reason why. Tell your child that you are fast-forwarding not because sex is bad or shameful, but because it's not enjoyable to watch together as a family. Or, ask your teen if they'd like you to fast-forward through the scene. Odds are the answer will be yes."

As Khoury stresses, "Seeing sexual content can feel really uncomfortable for people, especially when you're not watching it regularly. I personally would call attention to the feelings, pause, say something like, 'I notice you feeling uncomfortable. I feel uncomfortable with what's happening in this scene. Why do you think that is?' Give space to the discomfort." This, she explains, gives your kid an opportunity to think about why something might not feel right for them, which helps to understand the idea of consent.

"The most important thing is not forcing your young one to do something they're not ready to do," and to give them autonomy — including when it comes to that fast-forwarding trick.

"When we avoid conversations about sex, bodily functions, et cetera, we are inherently telling our young people there is something shameful," she says. "But hiding is not making it go away." And if we treat certain subjects like they're way too taboo to talk about, she warns, we run the risk of sending them to get their information from less-reliable sources, from peers to porn.

Consider taking a pause — and look for teachable moments

If a scene was incredibly graphic or upsetting, suggests Fram, "it may be appropriate to pause when the scene is over and take a moment to process, especially if this is the first time your family has had the surprise sex-scene experience."

Then use the opportunity, she says, to check in about how they're feeling, clear up misinformation, recognize that sex and intimacy on-screen is usually not representative of real life, find out if they have any follow up questions, "or simply to share your family's values related to boundaries, consent, intimacy, respect, romance, communication, dating, et cetera, depending on what was in the scene," she says.

"It doesn't need to be a long drawn out conversation, unless your child is interested in talking. When it comes to talking to kids about sex and sexuality, 100 one-minute conversations are far more effective and meaningful than one big talk." And an unexpected sex scene during family movie night, she adds, "is a great opportunity to have a really effective one-minute conversation about any number of topics, depending on what was depicted in the scene."

After you've had an initial conversation about the situation, Khoury says, "then, allowing the space to giggle be grossed out and just have the feelings and sit in those feelings" is important, as is taking advantage of teachable moments as you watch, simply by asking your kid questions like, "Are they modeling positive or negative behavior? How do you feel about what happened? What would you have done in that situation?"

If it’s comfortable enough to keep watching without pausing to chat, Fram suggests taking a moment to check in after the show or movie ends, and to make a plan for what everyone would be comfortable with the next time a sex scene sneaks into family viewing time.

"Should you fast-forward, no questions asked, because it's just not enjoyable to watch altogether? Should you have a sound or a signal that says, 'Please fast-forward through this scene,' that any family member can employ at anytime? Figure out what works for your family," she says, "so hopefully it'll be a little less awkward next time."

Finally, make sure your kids know that the door is always open to asking questions about sex and sexuality, whether it's related to something you all watched together or not — even if it does make you squirm.

"In fact, we give children a tremendous gift when we are able to acknowledge our own discomfort and remain open to communication," says Fram. "When they are older and are confronted with awkward but critically important conversations related to their boundaries, safety, and pleasure they will (hopefully) have learned not to shy away from the conversation just because it was awkward."

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