Hi, We’re Here to Teach You How to Get Over a Breakup
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When it comes to the most painful life experiences, a breakup can be just as emotionally agonizing as, like, the physical pain of breaking a bone—it freaking hurts, okay?! We’re talking pain that can take months (or sometimes even years) to heal from. While it’d be nice to never have to deal with heartbreak, most people experience it at one point or another, which is why learning how to get over a breakup is essential to moving on and finding the right match for you.
Not to make any assumptions, but since you’re here, you're likely blasting breakup songs (most of which are probably courtesy of one Taylor Swift) and trying to forget about the one that got away. While it might feel dramatic, you're not being extra. Breakup and relationships coach Emmi Fortin says a breakup can literally be *the* hardest thing you’ll ever go through. “Breakups are multifaceted events that include mental, emotional, and physical components,” she explains. “You are going through overwhelming emotions, from anger and disappointment, to despair and grief.”
Not only do you lose your partner, but you also lose your routine and your version of reality, which can make even the most level-headed person feel completely off-balance. Sex therapist and sexologist Nicoletta Heidegger, MA, MEd, says breakups affect us physiologically and neurologically. So no, you’re not being dramatic! The loss really is all-consuming. Add in the fact that triggers and reminders about your ex are pretty much e-v-e-r-y-where, and you’ve got yourself the perfect excuse for wanting to lay in bed and watch breakup movies for the next 20 years or so.
But since you’re too cute to spend the next few decades marathoning Netflix by yourself, we’re here to help you get over your ex and move on with your life. Stick with us, and before long, you’ll be all ~thank u, next.~
QQ: What If I Don’t Want to Get Over Them?
Before we break down how to get over your ex, we gotta address the whole “You might not want to get over them” thing. Maybe you want ‘em back. Maybe you think they made a big mistake (huge!) and will come knocking on your door begging you to take them back. Totally valid and normal to feel, but after a while, holding on to that hope can be detrimental to your mental and emotional health. If it's been months and this ideal scenario hasn't happened yet, Fortin recommends being honest about why you don’t want to move on, and then giving yourself permission to let go.
“Give yourself your own closure by accepting that it's over and that there are numerous possibilities about how to go about your life as you move forward,” she says.
We know it's hard. You were attached to the idea of this person and letting go of that idea can feel impossible. But, just think: The longer you linger in relationship limbo, the longer it’ll take to feel like yourself again, and thus, the longer it'll take for you to find someone who will feel like the one. (Because no, this one wasn’t it. They wouldn't have let you go if they were.)
How Long Does It Take To Get Over a Breakup?
As much as we’d like to give you an exact timeframe for forgetting your ex, the truth is there’s no set formula—it all depends on the seriousness of the relationship, the life you shared together, and how you react to grief (to name a few factors). “Remember that loss is not a linear process,” says Heidegger. “Try not to judge yourself if you think it's taking too long. Give yourself time and compassion.”
That said, your heart won’t heal if you just wait to get over it. I mean, it might, but it’ll take a long time and be pretty freaking miserable. “You need to put in the work,” says Laurel House, an eharmony relationship expert. “That means working on yourself to fill the holes of emptiness, reclaim who you were, redefine who you want to be moving forward, and emerge gracefully as the new and improved person you are now.”
Sound overwhelming? Don’t worry—it doesn’t have to be. Below, experts explain a step-by-step process that'll help you get over even the nastiest of breakups for good.
1. First of All, Don’t Have a “Last Goodbye”
Even though it’s suuuuper tempting to have one final, emotional, Notebook-style goodbye, House advises against it. Her reasoning? There's a decent chance at least one of you still has feelings and hopes the meeting means more than just a ~see ya l8r~. This can, ultimately, prolong the pain of the breakup and make things even messier. “It’s too easy to turn a ‘just one more’ into a hookup-only style relationship that makes it hard to move on emotionally,” she explains. “Until the physical lines are completely cut, the emotional lines won’t be.”
2. Cut All (Yes, All) Ties ASAP
Divorce attorney Sarah Intelligator, author of Live, Laugh, Find True Love, once you call it quits, breaking all connections you have with your ex is an immediate must. We’re talking deleting (and blocking, if necessary!) from socials, steering clear of your classic haunts, and perhaps saddest of all, removing yourself from their streaming platforms. “As tempting as it may be to know what your ex is up to, resist the temptation to stalk his or her social media or ask your mutual friends about your ex,” she says.
While it might seem harmless to sneak the occasional peek at their Story or see what they’ve been watching on Netflix, Fortin says you’re leaving yourself open to “potentially stressful situations that may come at a time when you're gaining momentum in your progress.” Think about it—if their number isn’t blocked, you’ll jump at each noti wondering if it’s them. If their Netflix is still on your computer, you’ll wonder who TF they’re watching Bridgerton with. The spiraling is hard to avoid when you don’t step away from the triggers.
3. And Think About Whether or Not You Really Want to Try to Stay Friends
We know it's tempting to want to stay friends if you still care about each other, or if you were friends before dating. But according to House, "you simply can’t be just friends immediately after you end your romantic relationship—feelings and the heart don’t work that way,” she explains. “Just because someone meant something to you in your past, it doesn’t mean they need to be part of your present or future. Some relationships have expiration dates. You learned, evolved, and moved on.”
And FWIW, if you feel like you *don’t* have any lingering emotional or romantic attachment, House says to consider your ex’s feelings. “Maybe they’re still into you and hoping that by being friends, you’ll find your way back into each other’s arms. After a breakup, you must fully divest from each other," she explains. "Let the feelings melt off until your fantasy of them is completely gone.”
Of course, every situation is different. If you have mutual friends you both still want to be around, or if you share a business, property, other assets, or even more importantly, children, it's understandable to want to stay friendly. But that doesn't mean you have to be besties, especially right after the split. Distance is necessary for proper healing, so even if you have to be around each other for reasons outside your control, try your best to stay no-contact within reason.
4. And Obvi, No Breakup Sex
Tempting as it might be, breakup sex is a bad idea pretty much 100 percent of the time. Although the sentiment is sweet (expressing your love one last time, etc.), Fortin says the reality is that you’re both having sex with an “idealized version” of each other, which can lead to confused feelings and a more painful ending. “You're remembering all the things you love about this person and pushing aside all the real problems between you,” she explains. “Bonding chemicals such as oxytocin are also released upon climax, which could make it harder to disconnect from the other person.”
5. Now, Make Yourself a Breakup Playlist
Musicians are famous for making badass breakup songs we love to jam out to, but before you play “Jar of Hearts” by Christina Perri on repeat, Fortin has a better idea: Play music that brings you joy instead of making your heart feel like fire ants are devouring it.
“It's more advantageous for you to play music that invokes forward-thinking and positive feelings than to ruminate in the miserable feelings through a sad breakup playlist,” she says. “If listening to a sad breakup playlist helps you purge your emotions right after the breakup, then that is totally okay, but don't dwell there. Create a playlist that empowers you for how you want to feel now and in the future, and listen to that.”
6. Throw Away the Mems
Now that you’ve got some theme music, it’s time to take that old teddy bear and V-Day card and toss ‘em in the dumpster. “Why are you holding onto these items?” House asks. “If it’s to hold onto your ex, then ditch it! Holding onto and revisiting these memories will make you unable to move on emotionally.” If you’re struggling with the idea of tossing everything, she suggests thinking about it like this: “If you were dating someone new, would you be ok if they had that memory item hanging around (or hiding in the house)?” Chances are, it’s an undeniable “no.”
Take down any pictures, change your lock screen, and put all your cute couple selfies in a “do not open” folder. Then, you know…actually don’t open it.
7. Be the Bigger Person
I know the thought of taking the moral high road is, like, v annoying, but Phil Yagoda, the founder of a digital divorce platform called The Exit, says you’ll likely feel better about it in the long run. “From announcing your breakup to dealing with it, try not to blast your ex to everyone you know,” he advises. “Don’t get on social media and say things you’ll regret … you can’t control others, but you can take responsibility for yourself and your actions.” Everyone will be impressed with how ~mature~ you seem about the whole thing, and you'll feel good about your ability to handle things with grace.
8. Break Out the Journal
It’s time to put all those random notebooks you bought because they had cute covers to use! Getting out your emotions via writing can be extremely healing and might even help you organize your thoughts, feelings, and future goals. In fact, Fortin admits that writing a book about her breakup (Who Is Your Red Dress? One Woman's Quest to Break Up with a Love Addiction) is what helped her truly process what was happening and finally move on.
9. Write a List of the Cons
It's easy to obsess over all the good times, but try to remember the reasons you broke up. “It’s too easy to fantasize about the ‘good old days’ and the amazing moments you shared,” House says. “But it’s time to remind yourself of the not-so-good. Write down a list of why you broke up in the first place.” Feel free to lay it all out there, everything from the fact that they’d clip their toenails in the kitchen (yikes) to when they forgot your birthday (double yikes).
10. And Be Honest About What *Actually* Happened
Once you’ve written out all the bad, it’s time for the harder part: honest reflection. “Try to look at the relationship as an observer and understand why things played out the way they did,” Fortin says. “What do you need to shift regarding how you show up in relationships moving forward?” I know, I know—you’re perfect, and it’s not your fault. But! Maybe you can learn something from what went down, like improving your communication skills, working on your patience, or just getting better at catching those red flags before you fall in love.
11. …Then Let It Alllllllll TF Go
Whether you hate your ex with a fiery passion or you’re still totally in love and don’t think you’ll ever get over them, Intelligator says you have to make the conscious decision to leave your love in the past.
“Your ex may always hold a special place in your heart, but for your own mental health and sanity, you need to move on with your life,” she says. “We’re often afraid that moving on means we will no longer be connected to this person we once loved. However, every relationship leaves an indelible imprint on us. Good or bad, each relationship remains a part of who we are. Letting go of the relationship does not diminish the love you had or will have for your ex; it will lead you to a place of healing and happiness.”
12. Find the Silver Lining
I know it might not feel like it right now, but when you look closely at the situation, you might discover some perks to your relationship ending. Maybe this means you can finally move abroad! Or get a cat since your ex was allergic! Or explore your sexuality! There’s got to be *something* positive about downsizing from a double to a single.
“Shifting into a growth-minded and forward-thinking mindset is the key to moving forward,” Fortin says. “Focus on the silver linings to help you embody a more positive, hopeful, and supportive vibe, attracting more possibilities and opportunities into your life. Your breakup could be the thing that changes the trajectory of your life for the better. It has for my clients, and it did for me.”
13. And ~Find Yourself~ Again
You know how dogs sometimes look like their owners? That can happen in a relationship as well. As time passes, you find yourself liking what they like, doing what they want, and merging your interests with theirs. While that isn’t necessarily bad, it can leave you feeling incomplete post-split. That’s why Yagoda suggests taking the time to rediscover yourself.
“Get back to basics, to the things that made you who you are and what your past partners were attracted to to begin with,” he says. “Focus on yourself, the things YOU enjoy, the things that make you happiest. Getting back to who you were before can help you shed some of the relationship ties that might still exist.”
14. Then, Try Something New
While you’re on your journey of self-discovery, Fortin suggests breaking out of your comfort zone. “Create a solo adventure experience for yourself,” she suggests. “This might include travel, learning something new, or participating in something totally different from what you're used to.” Consider this your excuse to Eat, Pray, Love your way around the globe, or simply pick up a new hobby or two. “Sometimes spending time alone and exploring will help you uncover more about yourself,” adds Yagoda. Another perk? A new hobby or stamp on your passport *could* be the key to finding someone new to snuggle up against.
15. Rebound With Caution
Before you dive head-first into a new fling, however, Fortin says to make sure you’re “mentally, emotionally, and spiritually” ready, even if you’re just craving something casual. “The problem isn't the hookup itself; it's whether you're being truthful about why you're doing it,” she says. “Seeking people or things outside of yourself to make you feel better may help momentarily, but can ultimately make you feel worse.”
In fact, according to eharmony’s Secrets of Heartbreak Report, 55 percent of people prefer to take a timeout from dating after a hard breakup, so don’t feel like a rebound is The Thing You Have To Do. If you’re hopping into bed (or the back of the car, or the shower, etc.) with someone because you’re lonely or want to make your ex jealous, it’s likely not going to serve you in the long run. “If, however, you feel whole and happy on your own and optimistic about your new life possibilities, Fortin says a hookup could be exciting and fun.
If you *do* decide to get a lil action, she advises being intentional and taking it slow. "Jumping into another relationship before fully processing your last experience can lead you on a path that is not intentional," she explains. "You are letting life happen to you versus creating exactly what you want. Be intentional about your well-being, always.”
16. Sweat It Out
To quote the great Elle Woods: “Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy.” And when your heart feels like it’s being ripped from your chest and torn into a zillion little pieces, you gotta take all the endorphin-induced happiness you can get.
“Many times when we're going through a breakup or even in the aftermath, we spend countless hours analyzing what went wrong, what-ifs, and wondering about what the other person is up to," Fortin says. "It's easy to park yourself on the couch for another Netflix marathon when feeling down, but that will only enhance feelings of depression and anxiety over time." Exercise gets you out of your head and back in touch with your physical body, which can be a helpful way to stay in the present moment.
Plus? Getting your blood pumping will feel good, and you might even get an ego boost when you peek at yourself in the gym mirror, which is never a bad thing!
17. Lean On Your Friends
Lovers come and go, but friends are 4evr. Utilizing your support system is one of the best ways to get over your ex *and* boost your bond with your besties. “Surrounding yourself with positive energy and positive people will not only keep you motivated and engaged in moving on, but it will also help remind you how great you really are,” Yagoda explains.
Fortin says talking about your breakup with friends—and hearing their stories of overcoming heartbreak—can be extremely healing and binding. However, you don’t want to linger in the “let’s all cry about our former flames” stage too much.
“I suggest that people limit how much and to whom they talk about their breakup to avoid trauma bonding and dwelling in negative thoughts,” Fortin explains. Ensure you’re still talking about other aspects of your life—and being there for your friends—to keep those relationships strong.
18. Seek Professional Help
Sometimes, talking to your pals or listening to relationship podcasts don’t quite cut it, and that’s totally okay! “Your life instantly has a gaping hole. If you find yourself in this position, get help,” urges House. “Don’t hole up. Don’t sabotage other areas of your life. Talk to a professional who can help you regain control of your life and redefine your existence.”
Talk therapy is a great option to help you process your heartbreak and develop an action plan to move forward. Additionally, Fortin says you could consider seeking out the help of a breakup coach (yes, these exist!), which can give you a structured support system for efficiently and effectively getting over your ex. If you're not quite ready to seek out help from a therapist or breakup coach, start with apps designed to help you get over a breakup, like Mend, a breakup course that you can access from anywhere that includes audio trainings, e-books, and journal prompts.
19. Be Kind to Yourself
Just because you decide you want to get over your ex, that doesn’t mean it’ll magically happen overnight, unfortch. Setbacks are completely normal, so one day you might make a ton of progress, and the next, you might feel like your heart is shattering all over again. It sucks, but instead of shaming yourself for these ups and downs, Fortin suggests being kind and curious about your feelings.
“Make your negative or unhelpful thoughts your best friend,” she says. “Many of us try to resist our feelings because we think we should be further along in the recovery process.” Instead of suppressing those emotions, why not address them as a caring friend would? One of House’s fav ways to do this is with a daily mantra you can repeat whenever you feel overwhelmed. A few she loves are:
"I am getting out from under it, over it, & moving on."
"I am not alone. I will feel happy, whole, and loved again."
"I am worthy. I am a priority. I am lovable. I am enough."
If a mantra isn’t your thing, try giving yourself a pep-talk, making jokes, or otherwise challenging your feelings in a healthy way. However you best process, give yourself plenty of grace as you adjust to a new normal.
“Too often, breakups cast a stigma that you failed,” Yagoda says. “You did not. Sometimes, being happier alone is better than being in an unhappy relationship. Remember, it may be hard now, but it will get better…it may just take some time.”
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