Here's Why You Can’t Stop Thinking About Your Ex, Even When You *Really* Want To
We’ve all been there: You’re fresh off the back end of a relationship, in the full throes of a breakup, and despite an all-star effort, you simply can’t stop thinking about your ex. Maybe they broke your heart or treated you poorly, and you are puzzled over why you're replaying every moment from Splitzville. Or, perhaps it's been months, or even years, since you’ve last spoken to your ex, so the rose-tinted memories are on repeat.
Whatever the case may be, you’re not alone. Many people find themselves reflecting on why their 'ship gone south—it’s just another part of the breakup process. Your ex was likely the last person with whom you were completely open, honest, and vulnerable, so it’s understandable that they’d have a hold over you and your emotions. Even so, it’s important to understand exactly why you might feel like you’re "obsessed" with your ex or what it says about your emotional state. Scroll on for a breakdown on how to get through it and emerge happier, healthier, and, hey, maybe even in a new relationship.
Seriously, why can't I stop thinking about my ex?
Sorry, no short answer here. There are tons of reasons your former relationship may be running through your mind, whether it was triggered by old photos or the passing of a would-be anniversary. Or maybe you’ve recently started dating again and can’t help but compare every person to your old flame.
"We are creatures of habit, and not only do we have practical habits (e.g. the route you take to go to your office) and physical habits (e.g. the way you tap your foot or play with your hair), but we also have emotional habits," explains Shadeen Francis, a licensed relationship and family therapist and a founding expert on mental health app Mine’d. "There are ways in which we routinely feel, expect to feel, or hope to feel, and our habits or routines are the patterns of response we consciously or unconsciously create to navigate our world more easily."
But it’s not until circumstances change, Francis says, that you actually consider the routines you’ve created. That means it will take a relationship nearing its end or a full-blown breakup to realize just how ingrained your emotional habits have become. It can take a while to break the emotional habit of thinking about your ex, especially as "both memories of positive times and painful times" surface during the grieving process, she adds.
It's worth noting that these feelings of grief may not show up immediately, since it’s often a shock to the system to upend every routine you once knew, even if you saw the breakup coming or are the one who initiated it. So, you may find yourself thinking about your ex in the same way you would when you were together... before remembering that you're, uh, not.
But thoughts of an ex can persist long after that, whether they remain a constant or make fleeting appearances. "There is no set amount of time to stop thinking, or more accurately, stop feeling about an ex," Francis says. And while some believe it takes half the time you dated someone to get over them, Francis doesn’t like to put such a firm timeline on it. "This invitation is to learn to make peace with difficult or unpleasant emotions, to practice self-compassion, to find support, and to allow yourself to pursue and stay open to opportunities to feel good," she says.
So, I'm obsessed, right?
This is a common thought, especially if it’s been a while since your breakup, or you’re constantly replaying every aspect of the relationship in your head and can’t figure out why. But Francis urges to consider a slight reframing. "What if your 'obsession' is actually hyper-vigilance?" she poses. "We tend to hyperfocus on details when we don’t feel safe. Especially when the breakup or the relationship at large is connected to pain, we replay the relationship because there is part of us that is looking for answers."
When this thought process unfolds, Francis notes, the same questions usually follow: Why did this happen? Could I have changed things? Did I do everything I could? "We want this information because we are wired for survival, and we feel most safe when we feel like we are capable of protecting ourselves," she explains.
But what does this mean for future relationships?
Because thoughts of an ex can occur at literally any time (fun!), it’s possible they might spring up after you’ve started dating someone else, or have at least started thinking about the possibility of dating. But, when you suddenly can’t stop thinking about your ex, you may begin to question whether you've really moved on enough for the next relationship. "I think there is a misconception that we need to never think about our past in order to be ready to move forward into our future," Francis notes. "But your past relationships are a part of your story and inform what you have learned and understand about yourself in the present."
If you’re ready to start dating, that’s great, and by all means, go for it. After all, as the old saying goes, "The best way to get over someone is often to get under someone."
But it’s important to recognize whether you’re just looking for a distraction or are actually ready to be vulnerable again. "Even if it is wonderful, a new connection is not enough on its own to heal old wounds, and you will still have to do that work," Francis says. "And if you’re not really present, your past will feel like it is holding you back." Whatever your emotional availability may be, let your current or future partners know so they can be present to your needs and know exactly what they’re consenting to.
When is thinking about your ex a problem?
While having the occasional thought about your ex is absolutely normal, it’s important to pay attention to how these thoughts impact your life and your emotions and to know when it’s time for concern. If thinking about your last relationship starts interfering with your current relationships—romantic or otherwise—or they’re preventing you from finding a new partner, it may help to consider why this person and your experiences with them are having such a lasting effect.
Thinking about an ex can also take a toll on you, one that should not be taken lightly. "Think about your thoughts and memories as stories—films that you play for yourself in your mind—and ask yourself how you feel at the end of the movie," Francis says. "If the thoughts consistently bring you anguish or anxiety, keep you from participating in your life, make you feel hopeless about the future, or lead to behaviors that are hurtful to yourself or to others, we know we have a problem."
When this is the case, she suggests seeking outside help. "Stay connected to your loved ones, and please reach out to the people who support you when you need them," advises Francis. "And consider working with a relationship therapist as part of your care team to help you learn new skills, heal from past traumas, and provide a non-judgmental space for emotional support."
Remember that, yep, you broke up for a reason.
So, you can't put thoughts of your ex on halt, but can you get through it? Totally. For instance, it's common to idealize past relationships—even the bad ones—which is often not an accurate depiction of what unfolded. Whenever that happens, try to remind yourself that your ex is your ex for a reason. (If it helps to list out those reasons, break out the pen and paper!)
And while it can feel like things are completely out of your control, it’s important to remember that, ultimately, they're not. "You have the ability to choose what you focus your attention on, but you won’t shame yourself into changing," Francis says. "So, try to find some self-compassion as you hold yourself accountable for working on feeling better, and remember that you are deserving of care and support."
Whether you're fresh off a breakup or your relationship is squarely in the rearview, thinking about your ex is a part of the healing process, like eating ice cream and binge-watching sad movies. Don't sweat the occasional thought, but be mindful of the role they play in your life. And remember: You—and only you—got this.
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