32 Things Elon Musk Will (Probably) Do As Soon As He Takes Over Twitter
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Most analyses of Musk owning Twitter are very earnest and serious. But that approach misses the main change that will happen: Musk will run Twitter like everything is a joke, like we are living in a simulation, and he'll make decisions designed to capture attention, provoke outrage, and make his fanboys laugh.
His explicit goal is to make Twitter fun, so our predictions are the kinds of things we think Musk considers fun...
DAY ONE CHANGES:
• Immediately reinstates Trump's account. At first, Trump says he doesn’t want to be on Twitter, but ultimately can’t resist the attention he will get from tweeting, “I’M BACK…”
• Musk renames spambots “NPCs,” takes no further action, announces there are no longer spambots on Twitter
• Makes a joke that he will provide weed for every Twitter user on 4/20 — the CEO of a sketchy cannabis company shames him into “really doing it,” but the initiative gets shut down by the Feds before anyone receives their supply
• Personally hires a 30-person team to source and make “dank memes” for his personal Twitter account, then fires them a week later when they don't get as much engagement as his insult tweets
• Announces that by 2024, all content moderation will be done by an AI trained to be ideologically neutral, with no human intervention
• Then announces that an AI will succeed him as CEO of Twitter by 2027 or whenever the AI surpasses his own intelligence. Vows that Twitter's AI CEO will be smarter than Google's AI CEO.
• Moves all Tesla customer service to Twitter and fires teams responsible for any problems exposed publicly from the public support threads
• Kanye West is appointed chief creative advisor to make the whole platform "doper"
• Tesla starts supporting “tweeting while driving mode” with hands-free driving — the ensuing traffic fatalities are tragic but statistically less frequent than the accident rate of other car manufacturers
• Quote RTs people insulting him with the words “free speech” to prove he really values free speech and undermine people complaining about harassment because he gets harassed more than anyone. A cottage industry will emerge of people doing dumb, outrageous tweets critiquing Musk who are trying to get the “Elon bump.”
• The product team is directed to make “sexier profiles” for users who follow exactly 69 accounts
• Reinstates Marjorie Taylor Greene, but re-bans her two days later when she tweets the location of Musk's new house
• For new users, instead of the old-school egg, they start with this default profile pic:
@elonmusk Sir i am your biggest fan, drew this sketch for you 🥰
90 DAYS IN:
• Increases Twitter character limit from 280 to 420
• Moves Twitter’s HQ to Texas; employees who don’t want to relocate are terminated without severance because “it was their choice,” which achieves massive overhead and tax savings and also results in multiple lawsuits that Musk somehow wins
• Twitter outbids Spotify for the Joe Rogan Experience when the contract ends in 2023 and moves the show to a new Twitter Audio service. Rogan tells every guest a few times each show that it is “wild” to work with Elon.
• Teslas will get autonomous Twitter integration so cars can tweet. At launch, it will only support tweeting when the Fart app is activated, but eventually Fart tweets will be expanded to other functions.
• Updates launch protocol for SpaceX so all rockets are launched via tweet; his main account tweets each launch and the tweet includes live video of the journey of each rocket. It's pretty cool!
• The new product team adds an upgraded block function for paid subscribers called “Ludicrous Block” that forces people you block to see an insulting meme featuring the rapper Ludacris.
• The Twitter algorithm seems to favor accounts that follow Elon Musk and suppress people who don’t. Nobody can prove it definitively, and Musk says it is “probably because those people have good taste.”
• Launches a “Super Founder” button where you can pay to have your bio say you are the founder of any company and that company is forced to put your name on their Twitter profile. Uses the feature to change his own title to "founder of Twitter."
EVENTUALLY:
• Personally sends the first tweets from (near) the moon and then (close to) Mars
• Twitter users with the most followers and engagement will get free trips to space and free Teslas — this is how he will get celebrities with dormant accounts, like Justin Bieber, to start tweeting again
• Boring Company digs the deepest hole ever and tweets the temperature as it approaches the planet’s molten core — it gets stuck 10 miles deep, but Elon says it isn’t stuck, it's just “resting” and he “thinks it will eventually make it to China”
• Launches an official Twitter poll from the @twitter account asking whether to ban Elizabeth Warren from the platform and abides by the “democratically determined results”
• Expands Twitter into Web 3.0 and crypto by depositing one Dogecoin into the account of every Twitter user — Elon personally buys a massive stake in Dogecoin before this new initiative is announced
• Adds a “pedo” button so you can more quickly and easily accuse people of being pedophiles (legally a joke)
