Here's How to RSVP "No" to a Wedding Without Ruining Your Friendships
While a wedding may be seen as the can't-miss party of the year for those who are planning one, not everybody feels that way. The time, energy, and expense involved from those who have been invited may outweigh their ability (or desire) to attend. Declining a wedding invitation can seem like a big social risk, but if you're considerate about how you RSVP "no," you shouldn't have to stress about how the to-be-wed couple will react.
The most important thing to know about declining a wedding invitation is to be decisive and respond quickly. "When you know you are unable to attend, RSVP 'no' immediately," says Jodi Smith of Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting. "This allows the hosts to plan accordingly and possibly even invite other guests."
No matter what your reason for declining, you need to give the engaged couple a clear, definitive answer as soon as possible so as not to cause any disruptions in their guest accommodations or reception seating chart. Here's everything you should keep in mind when figuring out how to decline a wedding invitation respectfully.
Should you tell them before you RSVP "no?"
In most cases, if you follow their wedding invitation's instructions by promptly sending your "no" RSVP in the mail or through their wedding website, you've done your due diligence as a good wedding invitee. "It is enough to simply RSVP 'no' in my opinion," says Elizabeth Wexler, who runs a wedding planning company called Emlan Events and a registry start-up called Spennie. "If it's a shocking 'no' (you're super close, for example) and can't make it, I would break the news carefully in person or over the phone."
Once you've made your choice not to attend, however, consider the decision to be set in stone. Even if you feel pangs of regret or FOMO as the wedding date gets closer, changing your mind on this decision is simply unacceptable due to the logistics and expense involved in the wedding-planning process.
Should you explain why you can't attend?
If you're friendly with, but not extremely close with the engaged couple, it's OK to be tight-lipped when it comes to declining a wedding invitation.
"Many people feel the need to write an explanation as to why they can't come. I think this is nice but not necessary," says Wexler. "Leave the couple out of your stress and just RSVP 'yes' or 'no.'" If you have the option to add a note in your RSVP, you can keep it short and sweet by saying, "I'm sorry to be missing your special day, but hope to be able to celebrate with the two of you soon."
Hopefully, the engaged couple will understand and respect whatever your reasons for declining are. Unfortunately, some may want an explanation. It's recommended that you continue to keep mum about the details unless you are certain that your reasons will be heard and understood. "Often, it is better not to explain, as it creates very uncomfortable situations," says Smith. "The moment you provide a reason, you are opening the conversation for debate."
Can you RSVP "no" if you're close with the engaged couple?
While it may be very difficult to RSVP "no" if you're a close friend or family member, remember that their wedding invitation is not a subpoena, and you're not mandated to attend the event.
However, this means you'll need to be extremely considerate of how you break the news. Tell them directly, whether in person or by phone, and be honest with them about why you've made your choice to prevent any misunderstanding. "Ultimately, if they're a good friend or family member, they'll understand your reasoning, however sad it might be for both parties," says Wexler.
The upshot here is that there will likely be plenty of opportunities to celebrate the couple outside of their wedding day. "If you are able to attend the engagement party, the bachelor or bachelorette parties, any showers, even a rehearsal dinner, please do," says Smith.
Do you have to buy a wedding gift if you're not attending?
You might assume that if you're declining a wedding invitation, you'll also need to overspend on a wedding gift to make up for your absence. However, this couldn't be further from the case.
"Your gift is reflective of your budget and your relationship with the couple. Your gift is not a bribe for your being unable to attend," says Smith. "You should be spending from a place of love, rather than a place of guilt."
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