If you’re one of the bajillion people who saw Hustlers this weekend, you’ll believe me when I say that this movie is a life-changing experience. It will honestly have you reevaluating all your thoughts on wearing fur and carrying cash instead of using Apple Pay. It just has so much power.
Perhaps the wildest thing about Hustlers is the whiplash you’ll leave the cinema with. You might THINK the elevated heart rate you experienced during Jennifer Lopez’s Fiona Apple pole-dancing scene is the strongest side effect of this movie, but you thought wrong. Hustlers will slowly begin to change your life in big ways during the 24 hours after you see it. Here’s what you can expect to happen to you next.
1. Consider bangs.
As if you weren’t already just one bad day away from giving yourself a fringe in the bathroom mirror, Constance Wu really had to go and flaunt these questionable bangs in your face for an hour and 50 minutes. They’re absolutely brutal, but for some reason...you kinda feel like you could pull them off.
2. Check your savings to see if you can buy a white Louis Vuitton Multicolor Monogram purse.
You really thought you were over those LV monogram rainbow dreams in 2007, didn’t you? You still want it 12 years later, so maybe this actually would be a good investment?
3. Call your mom to see if any of your old Coach bags are still kickin’ because you just realized you can’t afford the Louis.
Honestly, Hustlers made just as good a case for Coach bags as it did for Louis Vuitton. The shoulder bag you got for your Sweet Sixteen is probably still in the closet at your parents’ house. You have to at least check.
4. Lint-roll your Juicy Couture hoodie.
Unlike the Coach purse you cruelly left in your childhood bedroom, your Juicy Couture zip-up has enough staying power to maintain a spot in your closet for eternity. (Or maybe you even bought a fresh one in 2016 when Juicy rolled out that whole Track Is Back campaign. Guilty as charged.) Hustlers feels like the perfect excuse to rock velour.
5. Google the real story of Hustlers.
You’re so caught up in the 2007 nostalgia that you truly forgot Hustlers is based on a true story. Do people actually get to go to jail just on the weekends?! Cue at least two hours of incessant googling and another solid chunk of time to read the original article on The Cut.
6. Lurk the Instagram accounts of the real Destiny and Ramona.
The limit straight-up does not exist when it comes to how many photos you’ll want to see of Constance Wu and Roselyn Keo, the real-life woman who inspired Destiny’s character in the movie.
You’re also familiar with every single thing Samantha Barbash, who inspired J.Lo’s character, Ramona, has ever posted on Instagram. (Down to every last Cardi B reference she’s made since long before the movie.)
7. Search for local pole-dancing lessons so you, too, can do that tabletop thing.
No other forms of exercise will do! You are fully prepared to call up your gym, say “screw your cancellation fees,” and begin pole-dancing lessons as your preferred mode of working out. Until, of course, you learn of the horrible bruises and decide to just stick to spin classes.
8. Give way too much thought to the whole Lili Reinhart vomiting thing.
Lili might be the only person who could make a puke-y character so lovable. Yes, you understand that actors have been fake throwing up in movies since the beginning of time...but whenever you see a convincing onscreen yiff, you wonder just how they do it. Have fun keeping your stomach calm after finding out that Lili told Refinery29 that they used Sprite and crushed-up animal crackers.
9. Wonder why you even pay for Spotify or Apple Music when you just need the Hustlers soundtrack.
This film was filled with songs you probably already have downloaded in your iTunes library, from back in the day when you actually bought individual songs. Do you even really need to pay a monthly subscription fee when you could be completely fulfilled just listening to “Gimme More” on repeat? I think TF not!
The moment when Gimme More by Britney Spears played in Hustlers! pic.twitter.com/VgLpODUjFl— Sara with no h (@yosoysaramolina) September 14, 2019
10. Earnestly try to do the splits in the privacy of your own home.
J.Lo made it look so easy! You haven’t tried in a while, but...oh. OH. That’s why you haven’t done this in forevs. Maybe some nice flexible human being on YouTube has a tutorial filled with daily stretches to achieve a split in a reasonable amount of time? Then again, you haven’t needed to do one until now, so maybe you can cross this one off the list.
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