Here’s What to Know (Ahem, and What Your Partner Should Know) if Your Love Language Is Words of Affirmation
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Somewhere between the first date and the endless Netflix marathons, falling in love just kinda happens. It's fun, it's exciting, and it's a connection you want to maintain for as long as humanly possible. Enter: love languages. People tend to build (and maintain!) connections uniquely through different love languages, and if you're a sucker for sweet words and good morning texts, there's a good chance your love language is words of affirmation. Let us explain.
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Hearst OwnedIn case you’re new to the concept of love languages, they originated in the 1992 book by Gary Chapman, PhD: The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. And they're kinda major when forming lasting and healthy bonds.
“Love languages can help us understand how people in our lives both give and receive love,” explains marriage, family, and sex therapist, Rachel Wright, MA, LMFT. “Does it mean more to someone to give them a compliment or clean the kitchen? What about buying a gift versus spending an hour without phones together?”
Essentially, Chapman says most people “speak” one of five love languages: words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, physical touch, and giving/receiving gifts. Identifying these love languages—both in others as well as yourself—is a *chef’s kiss* way to understand the VIPs in your life better, Wright says. Since most folks tend to give love the way they want to receive it, learning the love languages of your partner, parents, friends, etc., can help you show your people how much you care in ways they'll really understand and appreciate.
Now obviously, the first thing you have to do is figure out your love language, like with this (free!) love language test. Then send the test to everyone you care about so you can get a better idea of how they communicate affection. And if it turns out you or someone you love ranks high for words of affirmation, well, you’ve come to the right place. From what the words of affirmation love language really means to tips for showing it (plus some expert-recommended dating advice), read on for everything you need to know.
What Does It Mean If Your Love Language Is Words of Affirmation?
As you might have guessed, this love language is centered around words. “Words of affirmation can be spoken or written words that are supportive and empathic,” explains Jennie Marie Battistin, LMFT, a marriage and family therapist at Hope Therapy Center. “They often acknowledge, identify, and recognize a person’s behavior, contributions, successes, or challenges.”
We’ll get into more specific examples and ideas below, but in short, folks with this love language are big fans of heart-to-heart chats and compliments—both giving and receiving. “For these people, words are more important than actions,” adds certified sex educator Dainis Graveris, relationship expert with SexualAlpha and MysteryVibe .
And before you think words of affirmation is a “bad” or “needy” love language, experts agree it’s usually the opposite. “People who speak in this love language are usually the ones who pay attention to and also care about the tiny details of other people’s lives,” says Graveris.
As someone whose love language is words of affirmation, I can attest that a simple compliment or “I love you” turns me into straight-up putty. On the flip side, I tend to express my admiration and gratitude by doing things like sending good morning texts to my parents or leaving cute lil notes around the house for my hubs. And yup, I’m 100 percent that person who always saves handwritten cards from people I love.
What Are Some Signs Your Love Language Is Words of Affirmation?
Words of affirmation is one of the easier love languages to pinpoint, says Battistin. Not only do you like to verbally hear “I love you,” but Graveris says you probably enjoy hearing why your partner loves you, and chances are, this exchange never gets old.
Some other signs might be that you appreciate when your partner notices you’ve changed up your look, you enjoy picking out the perfect birthday card for someone, and love songs hit super hard for you. Graveris says you also probably really like texting your partner and/or expressing your adoration via social media, while Wright adds that you might also be a big fan of love letters and toasts.
On the reverse, having an unfulfilling conversation, not being verbally congratulated, thanked, or validated, or being on the receiving end of unkind words is especially upsetting to someone with this love language.
What Are Some Examples of Words of Affirmation?
When it comes to love languages, most people find words of affirmation to be relatively simple to master. Here are some things you can say and do for your partner whose love language is words of affirmation:
Simply say, “I love you.”
And then explain what you love about them.
Express how you feel about them often.
Tell them in detail how you’re proud of them for something specific, like navigating a difficult family holiday or a hard convo with their boss.
Say: “I’m so blessed to be with you.”
Congratulate them on big and little wins, from getting a promotion to parallel parking on the first try.
Compliment their hair, their outfit, their perfume, their smile, their smarts—you get the picture.
Thank them for doing something for you or your household.
Become very familiar with handwritten cards, and make sure to give your partner a note for every birthday and holiday.
Leave lil notes around the house saying everything you love about them.
Tuck a note in their bag before work to encourage them on an important day.
Send them “just because” love notes.
Save the cards and notes they give you because, chances are, their words really come from the heart.
Post a cute photo and special caption to social media on their birthday.
Give them verbal validation and praise often, especially when they’re having hard days.
Compliment them on their nails or outfit or how particularly blue their eyes look that day.
Text them during the day to remind them you’re thinking of them.
Tell them how and why they inspire you and what you admire about them.
Acknowledge when they do something good or impressive and point out what they do well, especially as they’re doing it.
Tell them when they make you feel good (both in and out of the bedroom), that you’re attracted to them, and that you appreciate them.
Focus on positive words and communication, even during difficult times. Remember: Every word carries a lot of weight to them, so always think before you speak.
Avoid criticizing, negative comments, and accusations since insults can have a lasting impact on words people and aren’t easily forgotten.
It’s important to remember these ideas aren’t one-size-fits-all. Some people aren’t fans of social media PDA and others prefer short and sweet praise versus soliloquies. Wright suggests asking your partner examples of words/actions that make them feel good and chatting about both of your wants/needs. Remember to be patient as you and your partner work together to find the right balance!
What Are Some Relationship Tips If You or Your Partner’s Love Language Is Words of Affirmation?
As with any relationship, no matter if you have the same or different love languages, communication is key. If you’re not able to express your feelings and emotions effectively, things can’t really move forward or thrive. That's why it's so important to identify you and your partner's primary love languages and constantly speak them, says Graveris. This not only helps you understand each other’s needs better, but using each other’s love languages can actually help foster growth since love languages “help us understand how to communicate love to our partner and how they communicate love,” Battistin explains.
If you and your partner have figured out your love languages, and one of you speaks “words of affirmation,” here’s what to keep in mind:
When Your Partner’s Love Language Is Words of Affirmation:
Very simply: They want you to give them reassurance, validation, and support with your words, and more importantly, they want you to mean what you say. “It can be very easy for partners with words of affirmation as their love language to spot fake compliments and remarks,” Graveris says. “My number one advice is to make sure if you say something to your partner, it comes from your heart. If you say random things or make stuff up, they’ll know you’re not authentic.”
Being empathetic to their feelings goes a long way, as do pep talks when they’re feeling down, and thanking or praising them as much as possible. Don’t just assume your partner knows you care—tell them, and tell them often.
If you’re having a hard time remembering to give positive, verbal affirmation, Battistin suggests putting a daily reminder in your phone to text them something nice or even send them a funny meme. “Pick up several ‘thinking about you’ cards and mail one a month to your partner or get some dry-erase pens and write, ‘I love you,’ on the bathroom mirror,” she suggests. Before you know it, you’ll be speaking their language.
When Words of Affirmation Is Your Love Language:
You need to use your words to let your partner know. Since couples often have different love languages, if your partner doesn’t know that verbal or written words make you feel loved, they might not think to utilize them. Plus, even if your partner does know your love language, Graveris says they might not be as well-versed at expressing their feelings or noticing the small stuff, so be patient and forgiving.
“Just like in any relationship, feeling appreciated and understood is very important,” Graveris explains. “It’s just that it means a whole lot more for people with words of affirmation as their love language.” Words probably hit harder for you, so if someone says something that hurts you, try to explain why without getting defensive. It’s likely they didn’t necessarily realize the weight of their words.
Finally, it’s important to note your love language can change from time to time, depending on the situation. After a bad day, you might want a hug instead of a pep talk, or you might like to simply spend quality time together instead of discussing your feelings. Graveris says it all comes down to communicating with your partner and both of you speaking up about what you need in the moment.
What If You Don't Have the Same Love Language As Your Partner?
The good news: Couples absolutely don‘t need to have the same primary love language for their relationship to work. It all simply boils down to learning how you each like to give and receive love. "If one person in a relationship (platonic, romantic, or otherwise) communicates love by words of affection/affirmation and the other by acts of service, you may both be showing each other love and not realizing it," Wright says—hence the importance of recognizing each other's primary love languages.
That said, anyone can learn to speak a new (or another) love language with a little time and effort. “Ask your partner what things you can do that meaningfully show them you love them,” Battistin suggests. Try not to get defensive as they explain, but pay attention and be curious to find out the answer.
Make it a mission to work as a couple to discover and explore each other’s love languages together. “By being committed to loving each other in ways that are meaningful to the other, you will soon find yourself in a happy and satisfying relationship,” Graveris says. And TBH, those are words I can get behind.
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