Henceforth, These Shall Be the 10 Rules of How to Dump Someone Without Being a Garbage Human
If you’ve come to this article by way of Googling "should I dump my girlfriend?" it's too late and you probably should. Breaking up sucks all around and no one knows how to actually do it “right.” It’s even harder than building Ikea furniture…and there are manuals for that. (Although building Ikea furniture together is a surefire way to end a relationship and if you want to save yourself the time, it’s a solid strategy. Just do that instead.)
As someone who’s been dumped several times, I wish that any of the guys I’ve dated—whether it was for one week or one year—had put a little bit of thought into how to let me down without breaking my heart. So as a service to the community of All Women Everywhere, I put together a few ~new rules~ to follow if you want to end things with your significant other, without significantly ruining her life. I pray that it lands in front of the guys who need it most before any girl has to hear “It’s not you, it’s me” ever again.
No dumping three weeks before any major holiday or two months before her birthday, otherwise you deserve jail.
Never break up abroad or before any activity for which tickets have been purchased. If you must, those are now her tickets.
Breakups should never happen during work hours—save the heartbreak for Friday afternoons so she has at least a weekend’s worth of recovery time.
Exclusive relationships of six months or more must be ended in person.
Text breakups are only acceptable if it’s been less than three months and you’re not exclusive—no exceptions.
Situationships are required to write a letter apologizing for toxic behavior.
NO GHOSTING. (She will find you.)
Do not break up in public. The only exception to this rule is if you’re on a walk in a semi-private area.
If you live together, you’re moving out.
Breakup sex is fine but don’t break up just to have breakup sex.
A breakup should never—I repeat, never—come out of nowhere and must be pre-gamed with at least three long, emotional conversations about your issues and how to fix them.
Do NOT unfollow her on Instagram post-breakup (muting is fine), and you are legally prohibited from contacting her for at least 90 days.
When to Break Up
In terms of timeframe, there are 12 months in a year and not all are created equal. Dumping in December is cruel with all the winter holidays, not to mention the cold weather. Plus, she’s going to need some warning that she’ll be making single-girl resolutions on New Year’s Eve, so if you feel like you need to end it by December, then you’re really looking at a first-week-of-November cutoff at the latest. In fact, early October is better—no one should have to explain a breakup at the Thanksgiving table.
In fact, pull out a calendar and make sure there is at least a three-week buffer before any major holiday and a four-day buffer after. I’m not talking about all bank and post office holidays—President’s Day is fine. Valentine’s Day? Absolutely not. If she’s Jewish, mind the Jewish holidays. If she lost a parent or is a parent, Mother’s or Father’s Day is a no-go.
Use your best judgment, okay?! Sometimes, a three-day weekend can be perfect for the mourning process, so if you didn’t make any joint travel plans, you’re in the clear for most minor holidays. That gives you plenty of windows: January 5-24, February 19-March 9, April 6-June 11, July 8-October 9, November 4 (your single opportunity between Halloween and Thanksgiving), and December 1-December 3 (your last chance before Christmas).
If you have a planned vacation together, please end it before the vacation and graciously let her go with a friend instead. Never break up abroad. Otherwise, you’ll end up sitting next to each other on an international flight, and no one will be able to sleep with the sounds of sobs coming from the two of you. The same goes for concerts or any activity that requires tickets. Those are her tickets now.
If her birthday is in a month, you’re already too late, asshole. Give her two months notice before her special day. And please take note of big weddings coming up and any important work deadlines. If it’s a wedding in your family, fine—save her from having to hang out with them. If it is her sibling’s wedding, sorry, you’re sticking it out if she doesn’t have enough notice to find another date. This comes with the caveat that you cannot be front and center in photos—find a spot in the back or to the side so you can be edited out. Group photos are a perfect time for you to get her a fresh drink. And make sure the breakup is all sorted before the family orders the prints to frame. Otherwise, you pay the photographer for the editing fees.
If you’re dating an astrology girlie, the dumping can occur anytime Mercury is in retrograde, so she doesn’t have to do any self-reflection. It was all Mercury’s fault.
When to Break Up…Specifically
The right day of the week and time of day to have “the talk” should all be based on her job responsibilities. Generally, earlier in the week won’t work if she has a full week to get through, and definitely not between the hours of 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. or 10 a.m. to 6 p.m., pending her schedule. I once was dumped over the phone at lunch and had to go back to my desk. I took the call in the Financial District and was crying on the phone by the Charging Bull. It looked like I had chosen shitty stocks.
Friday afternoons are best if she has weekends off. There’s a reason people get fired on Fridays—she’ll have the full weekend to recover by drinking and making out with someone new, spending all day in bed, or a combination of both. Of course, if she works evenings or weekends, adjust your timing accordingly.
Where to Break Up
If you’ve been dating exclusively for over six months, you need to break up in person. If you’re long-distance, you should break up on FaceTime if you can’t be in person. It is mandatory that you stare into her beautiful eyes and tell her you’re done. Don’t be a coward.
If you’ve been dating for less than six months, but you’re exclusive, it could either be a phone call or in-person depending on how serious the relationship *really* is at this point. This is a gray area.
If you’ve been dating for over six months, and you’re not exclusive, this is a situationship, and you need to write her a handwritten letter expressing your deepest apologies for your toxic behavior, and tell her that she deserves better. Then maybe you’ll end up together when you’ve gotten your shit together. Otherwise, the best thing you can do is disappear to a foreign country to “find yourself,” and then...stay there.
If you’ve been “dating” between three months and six months, and you’re not exclusive, you can get away with a phone call. If you’ve been “dating” for less than three months, and you’re not exclusive, it could be a text. But it is never—and I repeat, never—an email. I was once dumped over email and Google suggested responses like, “Thanks,” “I agree,”and “Wow.” My suggested response to Google is “F*ck you.” 😇
If You're Breaking Up on the Phone...
If you’re going to call her to dump her, ask her if it’s a good time to talk before you call. Let her know that you want to talk about your relationship in the text where you ask if it’s a good time. She’ll get the picture and make her own decision about whether she wants to take your call…or change her number completely.
Your message should be brief, clear, and kind. Please know what you’re going to say before you call. Make bullet points, even. Practice in the mirror! When you’re done speaking, you’re going to listen. She decides when to hang up!
If your relationship isn’t that serious, do not call her. She doesn’t have time to hop on the phone with you, she’s got a busy day of dating app swiping to start. Text her instead…see below.
If You're Breaking Up Over Text...
If it’s a non-serious, non-monogamous relationship, texting is the nice thing to do. And everyone deserves a text at the very least—no ghosting allowed! You cannot disappear because she will find you. All women are amateur FBI agents.
Your message should be polite, should not contain too many emojis, and shouldn’t be deep enough that she would need to discuss it with her therapist. Keep it brief. Again, she doesn’t have time to read a novel, and you are not Hemingway. Have a female friend read your message before sending it. If you don’t have any female friends, you need help that I cannot give you.
If You're Breaking Up IRL...
It’s all about location, location, location. Don’t pick a public place. At a coffee shop, she’ll just be over-caffeinated and embarrassed in front of a barista. At a bar or restaurant, it’s too loud to have a real conversation.
The only appropriate places to have a breakup are your house, her house, or on a walk. A park can be fine if there are areas that are private. I was dumped in Bryant Park by a situationship who had already dumped me once before a few months earlier to go “on a solo Parisian vacation.” (Did he see his ex in Paris? Yes. Men do not go to Paris to be alone, and I will not make that mistake again.) The first breakup didn’t stick, but the second time was the charm. We walked from the park to the Hudson River. Picturesque. Romantic, even…until we realized there were no public restrooms anywhere nearby and had to walk all the way to the Times Square Red Lobster to pee. (It was a long breakup.)
Your house is fine as long as she doesn’t have to commute an uncomfortable distance to get back home. Her home or near her home is best because when she wants to leave, she can crawl straight back into bed.
If you share a home, that’s her home now. Post-breakup, you get out of there and sleep on a couch somewhere else.
Context is also very important. Breakups should not happen during an argument. If you break up while yelling at each other, you will have to have a second breakup to address what was said in the first breakup. That’s too many breakups.
Breakups can happen during sex (you heard me) or before sex, but never after sex. Sometimes sex can be the best it’s ever been with the addition of “this might be the last time” or “I still love you even though this is wrong” energy. Yeah, breakup sex rocks, but don’t break up just to have breakup sex.
If the Breakup Is Coming Out of Nowhere...
…It shouldn’t! PSA: Breakups should never come out of the blue if you’re in an exclusive relationship. They should be pre-gamed with conversations about the issues in your relationship and how to address them to make your relationship better. That’s not hot, I know—it’s administrative. But if you’re communicating with each other about your expectations and what isn’t working, and you’re nearing a breakup, it ideally wouldn’t be a surprise to either party. It can be sad and painful and awful, but it shouldn’t be shocking.
All in all, a breakup should be more like a Taylor Swift album release rather than a Beyoncé one. No surprise album drops without a smattering of clues along the way pointing towards the exact date of the next era.
When the Dumping Is Done...
Let it be done. No texts, no calls, no checking in on her via her friends, no orbiting her Instagram stories. (But don’t unfollow, ok? That’s rude.) If she wants to reach out, she will.
Of course, rules are meant to be broken, just don't be a dick about it. And especially when it comes to me. There is never an ok time to dump me, it should always be my idea. (:
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