Help! I Wrote a Bestseller. My Aunt Is Determined to Pretend It Doesn’t Exist.
Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Prudence,
Three years ago, I wrote a bestselling book that has had continued success. My friends and family have been really happy for me—except for my maternal uncle and his wife, my aunt. Here’s the thing: A decade ago, back when I was deciding on universities to attend for creative writing, my aunt wholeheartedly offered to fund my education as their only niece (they don’t have children and they are extremely wealthy). I started looking at my dream university in the U.S.—until my aunt announced she was writing a book. After that, she decided to not fund my education or acknowledge my author aspirations and seemingly banned my uncle from doing the same. Because of my uncle’s connections, he put her in touch with a big-name publisher, even though he knew I had, at that point, completed my book. She bragged about it to me, but nothing came of it.
As I found my own way in the industry, got published, and became an instant bestseller, my aunt and uncle haven’t acknowledged my book once. When my proud grandfather sends them other stories I’ve published, they don’t respond. The only time my book and writing come up is the VERY rare occasion when my aunt leaves the room—it’s then that my uncle will quickly ask how it’s going. My mother has ongoing issues with my uncle and agrees with me that I shouldn’t have to speak to them as they deliberately choose not to support the one thing I’ve worked so hard for. Plus, they’ve rarely spent time with me. They’re so wrapped up in each other that they’ve alienated our entire family. They don’t visit or call my grandfather, who has been nothing but kind and generous to both of them, and they never want to spend holidays with us, only with each other. My aunt won’t even let me sit next to my uncle or be alone with him.
But because of my grandfather, who I was raised by, I’ve continued to agree to meet with them on special occasions—he’s of the cultural belief that you stick by your family, no matter what they do to you, while also acknowledging how selfish my aunt and uncle are. My grandfather did try to talk to my uncle about it, and he got defensive, saying that if it was a big deal then I should be the one to talk to him. But it’s bizarre and hurtful that when we do get together, I’m supposed to pretend that this big thing that changed my life doesn’t exist. We’ve tried bringing it up in conversation, but my aunt always changes the subject. I respect my grandfather, and I always have done what he’s asked. I understand I’ve only got one aunt and uncle, and that my grandfather, in his old age, wants us to all be together. But since they’ve never really bothered to be in my life in the first place and can’t even utter a single word of support for me, I don’t see why I need to make the effort to be in their lives either. Case in point: My next book was announced recently, and I never heard from them. Should I continue to reach out and make plans with them for the sake of my grandfather, or should I just write them off?
—Write or Wrong
Dear Write or Wrong,
Congratulations on the book! It’s too bad your aunt hasn’t enjoyed the same kind of success and seems to be living with so much jealousy. If I were writing to her, I’d remind her that her failure to find a publisher doesn’t mean her book isn’t good too—and her giving you the cold shoulder isn’t going to do anything to help her get onto the bestseller list. But it sounds like she’ll continue to be cold to you. Oh, well.
While you don’t owe her anything, including your company, I wonder if clarity about the origin of the poor treatment (it’s pretty clear that your presence reminds her that, despite having a hookup in publishing, she wasn’t able to achieve her dream) can allow you to let it roll off your back a little. I’m not saying you have to go out of your way at all to have a relationship with her, but just agree to see your grandfather at the times you would normally want to see him. If your aunt and uncle happen to be there too, accept it in stride. Remind yourself that you are getting plenty of affirmation and praise from the world, and don’t need it from these two individuals. If your grandfather needs you to make the call in order to see them, make the call. He sounds amazing and really supportive of you. Your aunt may wish she could take your literary success away from you and make it her own, but she can’t do that. And you shouldn’t let her do anything to harm your relationship with a person you love either.
Dear Prudence,
My (she/her) relationship with my fiancé (he/him) is lovely, but we have an issue around
smoking. I was a smoker when we met, and a few years into dating but before we got engaged, he told me that he can’t picture being with or raising kids with someone who smokes. With various nicotine replacement tools and therapy, I quit. Then when we moved in together, I started smoking in secret, until he caught me. He was hurt by both the smoking and the lying. I totally understood, apologized for both, and quit again. But now it’s happened again. I started smoking, kept it a secret, and got caught. The privacy of secret smoking has come to represent taking a break and self-indulging.
I recently decided to try and be honest and say: I’m going to smoke right now. He responded by getting between me and the door to try and prevent me from doing it. Trying to literally control my movement has me alarmed, and I can’t tell if I’m overreacting. He keeps framing it as either you’re someone who is trying to quit, or you’re not, and if you’re not, we can’t be together. I think that framework is stupid, but if it’s the one he wants to go with. I think what he wants is a partner who is committed to being smoke-free, and I think what I want is a partner who knows that my choice to smoke is mine, my efforts to quit are mine, and when I fall short, it’s not something I’m doing at or to him. I keep coming back to why I lied in the first place about smoking. I wish I were in a relationship where I didn’t feel like I needed to at all—where my partner would be the first person I’d tell if I was trying to do something hard and had a setback. I’ve expressed as much to him, but he just keeps saying that he has been supportive and is angry I can’t experience him as the supportive partner he has been. I’m having a lot of trouble getting him to understand my perspective. I feel ridiculous for considering walking away from a relationship that means a lot to me over smoking—not least because I also wish I had better ways of dealing with my own stress. Do you have any advice?
—Smoke Signals
Dear Smoke Signals,
Stop trying to get him to understand your perspective. Not only have you reached an impasse with him, but I’m as alarmed as you are by his physically blocking you from going outside to smoke. This feels like more than a strong aversion to nicotine. He wants to control you and he’s not open to meeting you anywhere near the middle. Smoking is objectively bad for you—he’s right about that. But so is being in a relationship with someone this pushy and stubborn. Big red flags are waving. Grab your ashtray and go.
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Dear Prudence,
When does knowing another language you don’t look like you “should” know count as eavesdropping, if ever? I am white with blonde hair and blue eyes, but thanks to Spanish classes while growing up, I still can understand it perfectly (though I can’t speak it well anymore due to lack of practice). I recently had a situation where I was in an elevator with my kids with a couple who were speaking Spanish, and they started talking about my kids. It was positive, basically just talking about how cute they looked dressed up (we were going to take Christmas card pictures), but I still felt uncomfortable—like I was eavesdropping since they seemed to think we couldn’t understand them. Should I have said something to the effect of, “I can understand you”? That also feels complicated since I can’t say it very well in Spanish. Should I just pretend like I can’t? Which is what I did but I didn’t feel great about it.
—Probably Overthinking This
Dear Overthinking This,
In a world in which you can learn whatever language you want from an app on your phone, where high schools have language requirements, and where more than half of the planet’s population is thought to be bilingual, no one speaking Spanish around you—even with your blonde hair and blue eyes—has a reasonable expectation of privacy. You didn’t owe the people in the elevator an announcement, and it also would have been kind of weird to make that declaration! That said, I’m sure they would have been delighted (if a little surprised) to hear, “Gracias!” accompanied by a smile.
Whenever I host large dinner parties, only the women offer to help with dishes. I appreciate this, but when I take them up on their offer, there’s a gender imbalance in the kitchen I’m uncomfortable with. I sometimes end up refusing because I hate the optics of it: The men sit around drinking, while the women wash up.
