Help! I Want to Give My Ex Babies. It’s the Least I Could Do.

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Prudence,

Four years ago, I convinced my ex-husband to open up our marriage. My ex only agreed because he loved me. After being miserable during the entire arrangement, we are now officially divorced. Before we started the open marriage, I promised my ex that we could start a family after we gave being open a try. I still want to keep my promise and give him four children. That was the number he wanted. I wanted two, but I’m open to whatever he wants. I’m 34 and I want to do this as soon as possible.

Now that he is single, I know he can find someone else. But I fear it will take him a lot longer to find someone else than just trying with me. He is 38 but struggled to find anyone during our open marriage. I know he will be the best dad in the world and he deserves to have children of his own. I know with some certainty that he still wants to have children with me but he is still deeply hurt by what I dragged him through. I don’t want to come off as if I’m manipulating him again. Or that I’m trying to keep him in my life. I don’t blame him, but I can’t wait for him to come around. I also plan to give up all parental rights to our four children. If my ex wants me to have no part in the children’s lives, I will stay away. If he wants me to pay child support, I’ll gladly do it. I need help to convince him to put up with me for another four years. The tricky part is that I’m still in the polyamory lifestyle. I want to make amends for being a terrible wife by giving him the only thing I can and the only thing he may still want from me. Failure to do this will leave a rot in my soul.

—Baby Mama for My Ex

Dear Baby Mama for My Ex,

I can’t approve your plan. It’s messy and complicated and sounds like a recipe for everyone, including the kids, to be hurt. And I seriously question the very premise that your ex needs you to have his children. He can absolutely procreate with someone else! At any time between now and 60, he can meet a woman who is still able to have children. He has tons of time. And while he may not have had good luck dating when he was married to you, that’s because he was married to you! He’s single now and will have a much more appealing online dating profile.

You do not need to take any action here unless you still love him and want to be with him. I’m getting the feeling that maybe a part of you does? If that’s the case, you have to weigh whether monogamy is worth it to you. That decision will be tough but not as tough as making a misguided effort to fix your karma by parenting four children with an ex.

Dear Prudence,

This a simple etiquette question. In the New Year, I received two save-the-date invitations to weddings on the same day, within an hour of each other in different cities. I cannot go to both, but using either as an excuse seems hurtful, as if I value one relationship over the other. At the same time, my immediate reaction to both was, “Nope, don’t wanna.” Is there a polite format for turning down invitations? And is it better to tell a white lie and use the same excuse for both events rather than reluctantly attend one? I had thought perhaps a note of regret and a small gift to each would exonerate me but I am also aware that feelings will still be hurt, bonds weakened…

—Nice Day for Not a Wedding

Dear Not a Wedding,

If your reaction was “Nope,” definitely don’t attend either event. If you aren’t close enough to these people that you felt, “I’m so excited for them,” then you don’t need to be there. And if you aren’t close enough to them that they discussed selecting a wedding date with you before they booked a venue, you aren’t so close that you can’t RSVP no without damaging your relationships with them. This is why RSVP cards exist. Not everyone who’s invited will make it.

Send your regrets to both of them, immediately followed by texts saying, “I just got your beautiful invitation and I am so sorry to say I already have a family reunion/plans to be out of town/a conference that day. I wanted to let you know as soon as possible because I know how stressful wedding planning can be. I’ll be putting something in the mail for you. And I hope we can celebrate when I see you in person next!” Then find the registry and or select your own gift and get something to them now, before you forget. Doing all this in a timely manner will get you SO many points. The people they’re actually going to be upset with are the ones who drag their feet and have to be begged to say whether they’ll attend. Your early response will allow the couples to quickly scratch you off the seating chart and send an invitation to someone high up on their “B list” of guests (maybe someone they really like who didn’t quite make the first cut) and they’ll appreciate it. Just put a reminder in your calendar to make sure you don’t post, “Sitting at home doing nothing” on social media on the big day.

Submit your questions anonymously here. (Questions may be edited for publication.) 

Dear Prudence,

I recently started a new graduate school program which consists mainly of men. I’m a woman in my late 20s and have generally spent most of my life in female-dominated spaces, so I was excited and nervous to be put in a class with mostly men. When I started, I quickly made friends with two of them, we’ll call them Steve and Mike, who are fun, funny, and generally kind and caring.

Steve and Mike like to poke fun at each other and me, and I enjoy good-natured ribbing as much as the next person. However, sometimes they will make a joke about how I have discriminated against them because they are men. Prudie, I am not well versed enough in gender theory to be able to explain succinctly how “reverse discrimination” is not a thing, but it’s clear to me that in making this joke, they are reinforcing gender biases that make me feel like an outsider, overlooked, and devalued.

I know the accepted wisdom when faced with harassment or discrimination is to say, “That’s not funny” or ask someone to explain why it’s funny, but I’m not sure that will land. Moreover, Steve and Mike are good people. I’m sure they too have felt the effects of the patriarchy telling them to conform to male gender norms or pay the price. Finally, they have in the past treated me with kindness and true friendship. I would like to keep these friendships, but I wish I could explain to them that their jokes about gender are hurtful and perpetuate gender norms that keep women out of male-dominated spaces.

—Still Feeling Like This In Very Much a Man’s World

Dear Man’s World,

But the thing that makes this a joke is that reverse discrimination would be a silly thing to be upset about. Right? Otherwise, what’s funny about it? I think Steve and Mike share your worldview. That said, if you’re feeling hurt by the comments, and they’re your friends, they should know. I wonder if something like this could capture what you’re feeling.

Steve: Want to go to the library with us after class?
You: No I actually have to meet with my advisor.
Mike: Reverse discrimination!
Steve: Once again we’re being pushed aside because we’re men!
You: You guys, I’m one woman in a class of 40 men and it sucks in a lot of ways. I know you’re kidding but the gender discrimination jokes can kind of make me feel like even more of an outsider. Could you give them a break? Also, I’ll see if you’re still in the library when I’m done with my meeting.

Dear Prudence,

On the block over from my own in 2021, a family died in an illegal basement apartment that flooded. Now a playmate of my son, I’ve found lives in an illegal basement apartment. I don’t want to displace anybody, but it’s obviously a flood-prone area and the landlord has no business renting the apartment. Is it wrong to snitch? Is it ever right to snitch?

—Snitch

Dear Snitch,

This is so hard. If you don’t say anything and your son’s playmate and his family are later killed or injured in a flood, you’ll feel absolutely awful. But also, if your reporting the illegal unit led to the family being evicted—and possibly even ending up homeless or in some other equally unsafe situation—you’d feel pretty terrible about that too. Let’s not jump straight to snitching.

Why don’t you speak to the kid’s parents and share (with the appropriate introduction about how it is not your business but you are so worried and wouldn’t be able to live with yourself if you didn’t say something) what you know? If you have any capacity at all to do so, you should pair this with an offer of some kind. Something that shows that you’re not just sitting on the sidelines judging the difficult situation the family is in, but willing to extend yourself in some way to make it better. If you’re wealthy and enormously generous, “I can cover first and last months’ rent if you decide to move, so we can get you out of there” would be amazing. But there are other options too: “I can help you find a list of affordable apartments.” (I say this with full awareness that despite what many people like to think, it’s not as if there are just these nice, clean apartments sitting around in every city waiting to welcome anyone who’s going through a tough time, with no red tape and no years-long waiting lists. But it’s worth investigating what your city has to offer by calling local nonprofits and doing some research.) “If it’s raining you’re all welcome to come crash at our place,” is an option, too. Even if they decline, you could offer to keep a close eye on the weather and text them whenever it’s raining so much that flooding looks likely.

The problem your son’s friend and his family are facing is so much bigger than you—it’s a symptom of many things that are wrong in our society. And because those things (poverty and income inequality and insufficient affordable housing) are going to exist and shape their lives regardless of the changes this one landlord makes, offering support is a better choice than making a report.

This is so difficult to write. I’m a 46-year-old married man and father that has fallen in love with a woman at work that is 20 years younger than I am. We work in separate offices on different teams but have made a long-distance connection that grew to something serious. We’ve told each other how we feel, but having a real relationship is complicated for obvious reasons.