Help! We Took in Our Niece. Now I’m Not So Sure We Should Ever Be Parents.

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Prudence,

My husband and I (mid-30s, hetero couple) took in our niece (14 at the time) when my estranged sister-in-law passed during the pandemic. My husband and I enthusiastically got married sooner than planned so we could legally adopt “Luna” together, despite the challenges we knew we’d face. Now she’s about to turn 18 and graduate high school in the next few months. I love Luna so much. I consider her my daughter and enjoy my time with her, but it’s been exhausting learning to parent on Level 100. We’ve struggled to find a balance between comforting and supporting Luna through her grief and unrelated PTSD, ADHD, anxiety, and social challenges while still trying to teach her responsibility, accountability, and respect. The last year has been especially rough with Luna’s drug experimentation, ditching classes, yelling at teachers, and general neglect of her schoolwork and chores. We’ve read many books and tried many parenting tactics, but nothing seems to make a difference long-term.

Recently, Luna expressed that she wants to leave when she turns 18 and live with her older brother and his family since they’re her “real” family she feels guilty for leaving behind. We’ve always wanted to be parents, but we don’t feel like that’s who we are in Luna’s eyes (and that’s truly understandable since we’re not trying to replace/forget her biological parents in any way). However, we’ve been struggling with fertility. Part of me wonders if we should have more kids since we seem to enjoy our time best when Luna is off with friends, our parenting styles are pretty different, and the last three years have been so chaotic. My mom and most trusted people all say we’re good parents and it’ll be easier the next time around since we’ll build a foundation of values and expectations rather than “course-correct” from SIL’s questionable choices. I don’t want to go through IVF or other invasive fertility treatments, so we’ve been considering fostering/adoption. Wouldn’t the same/similar issues still exist? I always knew parenting would be hard, but now I’m wondering if I have what it takes to do it “for real” this time. Help!

—Dating With a Potential Dealbreaker

Dear Dating With a Potential Dealbreaker,

If I had to vote yes or no right now I’d say yes, have kids. The way you stepped up to care for Luna, the way you admit that it’s been a struggle to raise her (that means you care very much and that you’ve tried), and the way you write about her and her challenges with compassion all paint a picture of a person who is emotionally mature and has a lot to give. The very fact that you’re thinking seriously about whether you’re cut out for parenthood is another thing that suggests you’re ready for it. The worst parents rarely engage in this kind of reflection.

If you had written, “We adopted Luna who has been a terror. She’s a horrible kid despite us doing so much for her, taking away all of her privileges, and reminding her that she should be lucky she has us. I can’t wait to have my own child who will be easy because they’ll know our expectations from the start,” I would say, “No! Stop! Don’t do it! You sound inflexible, selfish, and unrealistic about what parenting entails and the amount of influence you have over who your kid is.” But that’s not at all what you said.

I do think it’s fair to take from your experience over the past few years that adopting or fostering teens or older kids isn’t something you would choose for yourself. That’s fair, but it’s a very unique situation with specific challenges, and the fact that you’ve decided it’s not the best fit for you shouldn’t prevent you from bringing a baby or young toddler into your home.

Of course, any child you have is going to make your life somewhere between hard and extremely hard a lot of the time, especially in the beginning. Or possibly forever! If you truly don’t want to struggle at all in this way, it is more than OK to live child-free. But you say you’ve always wanted to be a parent, and I think that means something. I also think it means that—as is the case for 99 percent of parents out there, even those who really enjoy breaks from their children—the good ends up outweighing the bad.

The biggest issue I saw in your letter didn’t have to do with your experience with Luna. It was your observation that you and your husband have different parenting styles. That’s something you’ll want to address before you have children. But in some ways, you have a leg up on couples who don’t become aware of how far apart they are until the kid is right there, in the flesh, having a tantrum. You’re ahead. Talk to a counselor together (premarital counseling exists, but pre-parenting counseling really should, too!), read some books, sample some parenting classes. See if you can get on the same page. Because even if your next experience raising a child isn’t quite as complicated as your time with Luna has been, it will have its challenges and you’re going to need to work with, not against each other to get through them.

Dear Prudence,

I pride myself on being someone that my friends, loved ones, and employees can rely on to vent about what’s going on in their lives but recently, it’s gotten to the point that my own health, mental and physical, has taken a hit from being their personal therapist. What’s a polite way to say I value our relationship but I can’t keep being your free therapist?

—Free Therapist No More

Dear Free Therapist,

I actually don’t think it requires a huge announcement. Offering less feedback, asking fewer questions, and giving drier and more repetitive answers will go a long way. If that doesn’t work and you find you need to be more explicit, try something like, “I’m so sorry you’re going through this. But I honestly have a lot on my mind/am tired/am not in the best mood/am totally preoccupied with the new season of Love Is Blind and just don’t have a lot of emotional energy to process it with you today.”

But that’s the easy part. The hard part will be figuring out what your relationships with your friends look like when this dynamic is removed. The truth is, being in the free friend therapist role can be intoxicating and addictive—and so can complaining about it. It’s worth asking yourself, “Why did I end up in this role? What has it been standing in for me?”

My suspicion is there’s an ego boost that comes with being trusted and an identity that forms around being the person everyone turns to. It also allows you to hide a little. If you’re listening to people talk about their problems, you don’t have to discuss yours. If you’re acting as a therapist, you don’t have to be yourself and risk all the possible judgment and rejection that comes with that.

So if you successfully back off from your current role, things will look different. You may need to replace your current way of connecting with your friends. Most likely, you’re going to have to become vulnerable enough to talk about yourself a lot more. That doesn’t mean imitating their non-stop venting about problems. It just means you’re going to have to open up and trust that your friends love you and are curious about you even when you aren’t providing a free mental health service.

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Dear Prudence,

I’m in my early 30s with no kids and so is most of my social circle. I’ve noticed a new phenomenon post-COVID when it comes to getting together with friends. I’ll invite someone over for dinner then it’s radio silence. In this age of ghosting, I assume no answer means no and I’ll make other plans only to have that friend reply hours before the dinner is supposed to happen saying they’ll be there! Then I feel resentful when I host them because I had mentally anticipated meal prepping, catching up on a show, etc. instead of hosting. How can I phrase invites or a follow-up that isn’t pushy but can also respect my time and boundaries?

—Hostess With the Mostess

Dear Hostess,

I have not heard of this before! How weird! I mean, I don’t care how much social anxiety and missed life experiences due to “pandemic skip” you’re dealing with—it’s not that hard to send a text that says, “Sure!” or, hell, even respond to the invitation with a thumbs up.

Next time, try a version of: “Want to come over for dinner on Friday? Let me know by Wednesday so I can buy everything I need for the butter board :)”

If you don’t hear anything until Friday at 4 p.m. it is more than OK (and probably a good way of training your friends) to say, “I’m so sorry, I’m going to be out. I didn’t hear back from you so I didn’t know you were coming. Maybe next week?”

My husband and I made a list of baby names pretty early on in our relationship that we both love. But my mother-in-law has not been appreciative of the girl names (all plant-themed). When I first shared them with her she immediately started commenting on how bland or strange they were. And subsequent conversations (that she brings up) include her expressing her dream nicknames that she’s going to give each little girl (all the most annoying, common ornamental flowers that you see in every English garden) and continually making fun of one name I’ve had picked out for years.