Help! I Told My Partner I Didn’t Want Another Dog. He Brought Home a Terrifying One Anyway.

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.

Dear Prudence,

I have been in a relationship for many years. I love my partner very much and want a future with him. The issue: I can’t stand dogs. He always had one dog. It is quiet and well-behaved. I didn’t love the dog, but I accepted it and I could imagine a life living with it. Then he decided he needed a new dog. At first, he said he would take me into consideration and was thinking of getting a smaller dog that I might like more. This did not happen. I was hopeful that the dog would be small for a while and I could bond with it. It grew to be large very quickly and is very hyper, jumping on me, running around, it makes me anxious. It also very much changed our life as now he can’t really leave the house or do many of the things we used to.

I actually tried to speak with a therapist about this. She told me to tell him I would leave him if things didn’t change. That is not at all what I want and I stopped seeing her. I want to figure this out but I’m having a hard time and I can’t really discuss it with him because I don’t want him to get mad at me. I want to fix things, but I don’t know how to make myself like this dog. I feel like I’m so alone and pent up. People love dogs, so no one understands why I feel this way. I’m trying so hard to seem like it doesn’t bother me, but inside I’m so tense and anxious around this dog. I’m also a little upset because he did this without any compromise and it has impacted me so negatively. I don’t think it’s fair that I feel this way, but I don’t know how to fix it.

—My Life Has Gone to the Dogs

Dear Gone to the Dogs,

I’m so sorry, this is really hard. But let’s think it through: Right now, you are anxious, having a hard time, feeling alone and pent up, and upset and being negatively impacted. All your words. You feel your partner disrespects your wishes. Why are you so much more worried about him being mad at you then you are about continuing to live in this emotional hell? I don’t know that you’re going to get him to rehome the dog—and I’m not even sure that would be the right thing to do now that he’s taken responsibility for it—but a conversation about training or containing the dog could really improve your life. Your partner lied about taking your preferences into consideration because he wants to be with you. So hopefully he’d be willing to do what it takes to make your life with a pet more comfortable. If not, well, I’m sorry to say I agree with your ex-therapist.

Dear Prudence,

My partner of eight years is halfway through an extremely demanding four years of medical training. They work 60 to 90 hours a week, rarely have weekends off, and deal with death and trauma regularly; I’ve noticed them shutting down emotionally to cope. When we do get some rare time together, they are understandably exhausted and talk a lot about how much they’re dreading their next shift. They often express guilt that they are being “a bad partner,” but believe that things will get better after they finish their training.

I’m trying so hard to support them, but I’m starting to feel lonely and resentful, and I don’t know if I can take two more years of this. This is someone I’ve loved for eight years who hasn’t done anything wrong aside from picking a difficult field; should I just grit my teeth and get through this (hopefully) temporary rough patch? I miss the partner I used to have, and part of me worries I’ll never get them back.

—Long Distance from the Same House

Dear Long Distance,

This sounds so hard for both of you, and the “part of me worries I’ll never get them back” line is really sobering. It makes sense. After all, I imagine the next step of your partner’s medical career, while perhaps slightly less time-intensive, isn’t exactly going to be easy. But then again, I don’t know the medical field well—maybe they have plans to be a cosmetic plastic surgeon who doesn’t deal with death or trauma and sets their own hours? This is something you should talk about: How do they see things getting better? What concrete things can they promise will change after the next two years of hell? Pay attention to whether you find their response convincing or not.

I wonder if part of you has the sense that they are simply not a person who is ever going to be able to compartmentalize their stress, keep it in perspective, or carve out time to be happy with you. Some people just can’t! I remember in my previous life as a lawyer, when I was pretty miserable, I marveled at the fact that some of my colleagues were married with children. I just knew there was no way I could ever be in that job and have anything left to give or anything but complaints to talk about over dinner (when I finally ate dinner at 11:00 p.m.). But plenty of others make it work! Whether your partner is one of them is a fair question.

The two things that make me want to encourage you to try to push through this patch are that 1) You’ve already invested so much time, including getting halfway through the worst of it, and 2) You didn’t say anything about your partner being mean or disrespectful or inconsiderate or not pulling their weight at home or getting upset with you for raising concerns—in fact, they’re worried about being a bad partner. That’s a good thing. You share a concept of what a good partner is. And they want to do better. So I think it’s worth trying to get through the next two years by making a couple of changes.

First, you should ask your partner for a chunk of time each week when you connect as a couple, do something you enjoy, and they don’t complain about work. This could be five minutes every morning or half an hour twice a week or two hours every weekend—whatever works. Their willingness to make this work will tell you a lot. Second, you should throw yourself into something (your own advanced degree? Exercise? Writing a book? Becoming a champion pickleball player?) that will occupy your time and—this is the important part—make you feel like if this doesn’t end up working out, you didn’t waste it waiting around for someone else to become a doctor.

“Her partner probably can’t do too much about being exhausted, but stewing about it and fretting about tomorrow isn’t going to make them feel better either.”

Jenée Desmond-Harris and Joel Anderson discuss a letter in this week’s Dear Prudence Uncensored—only for Slate Plus members.

Dear Prudence,

Within the last three years, my husband and I have enjoyed 6 to 8 or so camping and mountain biking trips with another couple. The woman, “Shelly,” works with my husband. I thought we had a good time as a foursome, as very few others will “rough it” in the middle of nowhere like we four do. I loved the photos and memories we had from the trips.

A few weeks ago, Shelly approached my husband and explained they’d been avoiding more trips for the past 13 months as they didn’t think I enjoyed them. They admitted to my husband they’d been avoiding us by saying they were busy with work. I emailed them to reassure them I do enjoy the trips, and our friendship, and asked them to join me for dinner to discuss while I was home alone for a week (husband traveling). They shut me down for any in-person interactions, saying that I push my unhappiness onto them, they walk on eggshells around me, I caused multiple instances of tension, and because of my “impacts,” they can’t even approach a casual dinner, and they will remain intentionally unavailable.

Prudence, I was completely shocked, I had no idea they felt this way. They put on a good mask for years. People I thought were my close friends shoved me aside—by email. If they had said something “during the tension,” I might have been able to change my behavior, or understand what was bothering them, and adapt. Instead, I am hurt, confused, grieving a friendship, and just … really hurt. They acted like “nice people,” so it came as a shock. And my husband still works with Shelly.

—Didn’t Know They Walked on Eggshells

Dear Didn’t Know,

It’s tough to accept, but sometimes people do things that we’ll just never understand. And sometimes people have their own stuff going on. Maybe Shelly is secretly in love with your husband, and her husband read her journal entry about it, and now she’s scrambling to make up an excuse to cut off the trips. Maybe one of them is dealing with a mental health challenge that they want to keep private and they made the unkind choice to make you think you were the problem instead. Maybe they are so extraordinarily sensitive that when you said “Wow, it’s windy,” they took that as an unbearably negative comment that ruined the day for everyone.

But also, maybe … just maybe … are they accurately describing your behavior and having a reasonable reaction to it? Ask your husband to give it to you straight. Ask him to tell you about his impression of the email and whether any of your behaviors could make you legitimately tough to be around. If he says, “Absolutely not, Shelly really came out of left field with that one. I can’t imagine what she’s talking about,” you’ll have to just file this disappointing development away under Life’s Big Mysteries and/or You’re Not Everyone’s Cup of Tea. But if he goes “Well, the way you complained for six hours nonstop after having to build the fire and then yelled at Shelly for using too much of your sunscreen made everyone a little uncomfortable,” listen and take it in. You don’t have to change, but if you don’t want to feel hurt and rejected like this again, there may be things you can do to avoid it.

Submit your questions anonymously here. (Questions may be edited for publication.) And for questions on parenting, kids, or family life, try Care and Feeding!

Dear Prudence,

What’s your guidance for a couple where one member has higher standards but is unable/unwilling to be the one to put in the work to achieve those standards? One example: My husband and I are both full-time professionals with young kids. I miss seeing friends, and meeting up at restaurants doesn’t work like it did when we were childless. I’d like to invite people over, but my vision of “entertaining” right now is ordering a pizza, cuing up a movie, and making sure the guest bathroom is wiped down. That’s not sufficient for my husband. He thinks that hosting should involve a spotless house, home-cooked food, weeding and edging the yard, a playlist of carefully curated music, etc. His argument is that if we won’t put in the time to meet this standard, then we have no business hosting—and he won’t put in that time, because he’d rather spend downtime watching tv/going to the gym, etc.

It’s like this with a lot of things in our life: He’s not comfortable doing things unless we do them “the right way,” and because we don’t have time to do them the right way, we don’t get to do them at all. How much of solving this is incumbent on me putting in the work to meet his standards, and how much is incumbent on him letting mediocre sometimes be good enough?

—They’re His Standards, Not Mine

Dear His Standards,

Your different standards are the wrong focus here. The real problem is that your husband is lying—at least, I’m pretty sure he is. I suspect he’s making it impossible to do things “the right way” because he doesn’t want to do them, and for whatever reason it’s easier for him to create a rule about weeding the yard than it is to say “You know what, I’m so drained after talking to people all week, I just really don’t want to be social after work on Friday,” or “Hosting gives me a ton of anxiety. I worry so much about whether everyone’s having a good time or judging our house,” or “I actually don’t enjoy your friends’ husbands. We have nothing in common.”

However, you can’t work through these things if he won’t open up. Until then, why don’t you say something like, “I know you aren’t comfortable having a dinner party until the playlist is curated and the windows are washed, but it feels like we may never have time to get the house in perfect shape and I still really want to see people. Would you be okay if I just planned a girls’ night and invited a few of my friends over? You can be upstairs playing video games so you won’t have to see the looks on everyone’s faces after they walk past the overgrown hedges.”

Dear Prudence,

My husband’s sister, “Lisa,” has asked us to host a family reunion this summer. I am all for hosting a get-together and love to see family, but we did this just a few years ago and it did not go well. In fact, it is actually a huge point of contention between me and my husband ever since the last gathering.

Long story short, a few people ruined the event. Both of his sisters and their partners stayed with us and started each day with drinking by 10 a.m., did not help at all with setting up or any of the food, and basically sat back and partied for three days. To top it off, there were a few others that just had horrible behavior—vaping in our house (we don’t smoke), yelling obscenities’ in the cul-de-sac because they got into an argument with their spouse, and getting sick in our yard from drinking all day. The behavior was just appalling, but what really got to me was the way those individuals treated me in my home. They were beyond rude to me, disrespected my home and my neighbors, and made me feel like I was there to serve them—and worse, when my husband got together with his sisters he acted just like them.

After that last event, I told my husband that the handful of guests that behaved so badly would never be welcomed back. I think the issue that bothers me the most about the entire situation is that my husband gives them a pass because “they are family” and has never stood up for me to any of them. He does not hold them accountable. My husband thinks my stance on the situation is because of my feelings towards Lisa. She and I have always had a challenging relationship and have not really gotten on that well the last 10 years or so. She likes to party hard, and I have always been more of a homebody and she always felt that I was holding my husband back from having a good time. I am cordial to her when I see her, but have chosen not to really have a relationship with her.

When I told my husband no way would we host, it turned into quite the heated discussion. He thinks I am being unreasonable and that they are always welcome regardless. I even made the suggestion that he rent a house that is a neutral ground, and I would still help but then I could come home. He said he would get me a hotel room, and I can just not be here on the weekend. The thought of repeating the last reunion has me on the verge of a panic attack, and I just want to cry. Am I being unreasonable by standing my ground?

—Not the Party Pooper

Dear Party Pooper,

You are not being unreasonable in the least. When people treat you terribly in your own home, you don’t host them again. And honestly, they shouldn’t expect you to or even want you to. More important, your husband shouldn’t want you to. So what if your stance on the situation is because of your feelings toward Lisa? Disliking someone is a good reason not to have her in our home. If the hotel room sounds good to you, take it.That’s a great short-term solution, but after your weekend getaway you’ll still be left with the biggest issue here: Being married to someone who doesn’t care whether you’re miserable or not is no way to live.

Dear Prudence,

Three years ago, I moved to a small town where I really only knew one person, “Lauren,” a fellow freelancer in the same industry. She moved away shortly after I arrived, but introduced me to a wonderful community of friends I’ve grown to really love. Lauren and I really have never gotten to spend a ton of time in person together, but we started texting a lot while navigating the changes that the pandemic brought to our field and still chat over social media frequently. Lauren is starting a project that will temporarily bring her back to our town soon, and has been reaching out to me and our mutual friends to hang out. I mentioned this to my partner and he told me for the first time that Lauren once teased him at a party about his stammer in a way that made him really upset and ashamed. I don’t think he even realized I knew her, let alone that I talk to her all the time online about business stuff!

I liked Lauren, and I’m grateful for the role she’s played in my life—but seeing how hurt my partner felt by her makes me want to close that door. Teasing someone you just met about their speech impediment is just ugly behavior, and I’m not really interested in even seeking an apology or explanation. So my question is, should I tell Lauren the reason why I’m about to start icing her out? What would you say to her?

—Freeze Warning

Dear Freeze Warning,

What would I say to her? If I’m being totally honest, nothing. That’s a tough conversation, and since she’s only in town temporarily, I’d probably just set up a series of excuses and avoid her.
But that’s probably not the right approach at all. If you’re braver and more honest than I am, here’s what I suggest: “Hi Lauren, I know we’ve been chatting a lot about getting together when you come to town. I wanted to let you know that I mentioned this to my husband and he shared with me that you’d really hurt him by making fun of his stammer at a party years ago. I’m not sure what the circumstances were or if you even remember this incident, but learning about this behavior changed my feelings about spending time with you. I wanted to be honest with you instead of just avoiding the issue or making excuses to decline any invitations. I hope you understand.”

Before meeting and marrying my wife, I had many different sexual partners, mostly casual. I’m her first. We are in our first year of marriage. During a conversation about our sex life, I mentioned that I had been more attracted to past partners than I am to my wife. She became visibly upset; in the days since, she has stopped initiating intimacy and has asked if I want an open marriage. I said no. I tried explaining that I am attracted to her—it’s just that the physical dimension of our relationship is less important to me than the emotional, intellectual, and spiritual connections we share. And, truth be told, I have had some sexual relationships in the past with an explosive chemistry that my wife and I lack. Did I overstep a boundary? I thought I was just being honest, but my wife is clearly hurt, and I don’t know how to reassure her without lying.