Help! I Think Something Really Weird Is Going on Between My Fiancé and His Twin Sister.
Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.
Dear Prudence,
My fiancé has always been close to his sister, “Becky.” They text each other daily and frequently talk on the phone. They’re twins, and I thought I understood their bond. However, we went to his family’s house for Thanksgiving, and I met Becky for the first time—she’s been working abroad for the past two years and only moved back to the U.S. last month—and to be honest, I was a little freaked out about their closeness. Becky and my fiancé finish each other’s sentences, giggle at their private jokes, and are often physically affectionate. Hugging, kissing on the cheek, holding hands. At one point, Becky even sat on my fiancé’s lap and pretended he was “Santa.” Apparently, it’s an old joke of theirs. I have two brothers, but I’ve never behaved like that with them.
On the drive back from his family’s house, I told my boyfriend that I found the way he interacts with Becky “icky.” He blew up and accused me of having a dirty mind. I apologized, feeling that I overreacted. However, now that we’re back home, I keep thinking about Becky and I do think it’s icky. Should I talk to my fiancé about the ick factor again? I don’t know if I can stand to see Becky sitting on my fiancé’s lap giggling and baby talking at future family functions. It’s too disturbing. I’ve even thought about proposing a tropical vacation instead of the next visit so we can be away from his family. This is the perfect man if he didn’t have that weird dynamic with his sister!
—Too Close for Comfort
Dear Too Close,
I understand that calling off an engagement is a big deal, and I would never recommend it lightly. But “I think my fiancé has an incestuous or at least incestuous-adjacent relationship with his sister” is one of those things that should inspire you to chalk up the florist and catering deposits as a loss and tell your friends and family your plans have unfortunately changed. Because that really is what you’re getting at here, right? It’s not just that you don’t want to see his sister sitting on his lap, it’s that you think whatever they have going on is deeply inappropriate.
For what it’s worth, I don’t know that it actually is! I don’t personally see anything sexual about what they’re doing. Some families are cuddlier than others. Twins tend to be especially close. And there’s no secrecy or shame on their part, which makes me think it’s all pretty normal to them and simply not what you’re used to.
But it doesn’t matter what I think. You think it’s so gross that you’ve picked a fight with the man you’re going to marry and are prepared to flee the country. Are you going to do this for every holiday? Do you think your relationship will survive you sharing your disgust after each family gathering? Aren’t you going to get tired of the “dirty mind” accusations?
His “weird dynamic” with twin is part of his life. It’s up to you to decide whether you can live with the resulting dynamic between the two of you (which will probably end up being worse than just weird!) as part of your marriage. I don’t think you can.
Jenée Desmond-Harris and Joel Anderson discuss a letter in this week’s Dear Prudence Uncensored—only for Slate Plus members.
Dear Prudence,
I’ve been seeing a man who is nearly perfect for the past few months. The problem is I don’t find him attractive. At the same time, I’ve dated many jerks and realize he is a diamond. Aside from being intelligent and kind, he is also well-off, and I am an artist who is part-time employed at best. I’m 39, and a husband like him would allow me to pursue my artistic career and have children too, which I want. I feel affection for him but not romantic love—to be perfectly honest, if he hadn’t pursued me for a date with such zeal, I would have not given him the time of day. I’ve kept things casual but he wants to get more serious, even get married. I know my grandmother married for convenience, not love, and had a successful marriage that lasted 50 years. I’ve been seriously considering marrying this man, but when I told my best friend that I don’t really love him, she became very upset and essentially called me a gold digger.
I’m torn. On the one hand, I think we could be good companions and he would give me many of the things I crave, including stability and a family. But my friend says I would be preventing him from finding true love. I’ve been passionately in love before and I don’t know if that kind of love should be more important than long-term friendship and support. I also fear this opportunity won’t come up again. But I also don’t want to hurt him. Should I flat out refuse him if he brings up marriage again? Should I be practical and marry him?
—Love or Money
Dear Love or Money,
Nope. When it comes to marriage, “maybe” means no. “I fear this opportunity won’t come up again” also means no. “I’m leading on someone who clearly wants a different relationship than the one I want”: Another no! There are people out there who are perfectly comfortable with the idea of making money and stability more important than love in marriage (in fact, they’re all over TikTok exchanging tips), but you’re very clearly not one of them. If you were, you’d be gleefully planning a life of making art and living comfortably while feeling neutral about the person you wake up to every day. You want more. Embrace that. Break up.
Dear Prudence,
I have realized in recent years that a lot of my family has chosen fun things at the expense of my and others’ comfort. My mom will sometimes talk me into volunteering under the guise of “that’s what you do for people you care about,” only to back out at the last minute to do something more fun, leaving the task to be harder for me than it would have been. My sister is constantly flitting from place to place and expects us to take care of things she couldn’t because she’s gone. This last time, she left her dog with my mother. My mom expects me to help out with the very anxious dog and decided to leave me with him to go on a vacation. I had tentative plans for that weekend too, and when I mentioned that to my mother, all she said was “this is what you do for the family.”
The situation is complicated by the fact that I live with my mom; but I’m working on moving out, so I’m not looking for advice on that relationship. Once I leave, I can more easily set the boundaries I’ve wanted for years. My issue is that I think I’ve internalized the “fun above all else” tendency too. I have missed things that were somewhat important to friends because I decided I wanted to do something more fun (one was a friend’s wedding). I often put off confirming plans unless it’s something super fun. I try not to miss things that are important anymore, but if something more fun comes up, I will probably leave early. Some of my friends have made comments in passing about this, but I just don’t always like doing the things my friends like. My very close friends are much more introverted than me. I like going out on the weekends. If one of my close friends was ever truly in trouble, I’m always there, but I’m now starting to feel bad that I’m also not socially there for some of my friends. At the same time, you only live once, and I don’t want to regret going out while I still can. Can you give me some kind of perspective on the issue?
—Not Such a Good Friend
Dear Good Friend,
There’s something to be said for knowing what you like and really enjoying life. Good for you! A lot of people live way too many years before realizing that being on earth is supposed to be something other than a miserable grind dedicated to meeting other people’s needs. But your letter makes me wonder if you’re choosing moments of fun over a more lasting happiness and a life that you can feel good about, even when you’re not thrilled by your itinerary on any particular day. Try this: One night when you’re lying in bed, ask yourself “What do I want out of life?” If you’re comfortable getting morbid, ask “When I’m on my deathbed, what will make me feel good about the life I lived?” I’m sure “fun” will be among the first answers, and that’s great. But I don’t think it will be the only one. I’m almost certain some other things will come up, like “Having good friends,” or “Being a member of a solid community,” or “Knowing that I was there for my friends and family and made them feel loved.”
Then, start to make decisions about how to spend your time with those goals in mind, in addition to your natural drive to have a good time. You might find you have more motivation to attend a friend’s wedding or resist the urge to skip out on a baby shower. The reward is going to be the kind of relationships that give you a sense of peace and satisfaction even if you’re not currently doing the most endorphin-inducing activity possible. I do think you’ll find joy in being the kind of person you want to be and designing the kind of life you want, beyond any one weekend’s agenda. But by all means, move out of your mother’s house when you can—she sounds both inconsiderate and controlling—and then feel free to reject any dog-sitting gig you didn’t agree to, whether from “the family” or elsewhere.
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Dear Prudence,
I have a hard time with my mother. I’m a middle (whoops) baby. She told me on my 47th birthday, “you are lucky you were a good baby or you wouldn’t be here.” She was a foster child. I feel like I don’t want to be around her. When she does a family dinner she forgets to invite me. Is it bad that I just avoid her? I feel better for it.
—Hurt
Dear Hurt,
It is not bad at all that you avoid her. And the great news is that it sounds like she makes it pretty easy for you to do so—she doesn’t even seem to be trying to nurture a relationship. So feel free to keep doing what you’re doing, absolutely. But remember that the pain you reference in your “hurt” signoff is real, and won’t go away just because you’re rejecting your mom’s calls. You deserve to really feel better, and that may require you to spend a lot time—hopefully with a therapist—processing the fact that she isn’t (and probably never was) the mother you deserve.
I caught my wife in a lie about where she’d been, and she confessed she was having an affair with our neighbor. It was like drowning: I couldn’t breathe, and everything looked hazy. I went upstairs and started to pack a bag. My wife sobbed and begged me to talk to her. She tried to stop me from leaving and I pushed her away so hard she fell into the side table and broke a lamp. I drove to a motel and then called my neighbor, his wife, my family, and my in-laws. I left messages detailing my wife’s affair and that I was getting a divorce. I then posted the news on my social media feed. Then I called a lawyer.
