How to Help Your Teen Deal With a Friendship Breakup

Friend breakups sometimes hurt more than romantic ones. Here's how to help your teen if they're dealing with the loss of a friendship.

Medically reviewed by Samantha Mann

Some teen friendships will stand the test of time. Others end much sooner than one might anticipate; and when they do, they can leave former friends feeling confused, heartbroken, and upset. For some parents, the intensity of their teen’s emotions after a friendship ends can be confusing.

Part of this has to do with the fact that people often associate painful breakups with romantic relationships, but when a friendship ends it can be just as hurtful—sometimes more so. In fact, it is not uncommon for your teen to feel a full range of emotions, says Stephanie Germain, LPC, a licensed professional counselor and associate director at Timber Creek Counseling.

“They are experiencing a loss, and with many losses, comes grief,” Germain says. “Engage with them on what is different for them since the friendship ended.”

If you’re like most parents, you might feel unsure about where to start, what to say, and how to help your teen. But we’ve got you covered. Below you’ll find a guide on how to help your teen navigate a friendship breakup.

Why Do Friends Break Up?

There are a number of reasons why teen friendships come to an end. It could be as simple as they have grown apart, or they may have experienced a more significant issue like a breach of trust. Relationships also end because of jealousy, peer pressure, life transitions, differing interests, and conflicts, says Sogand Ghassemi, MD, a child, adolescent, and adult psychiatrist, and chief of medical staff for PrairieCare.

“For example, one friend might feel left out if the other starts spending time with a new friend,” Ghassemi says. “Alternatively, a friendship might end over a hurtful comment.

Keep in mind, too, that friendships are an important part of your teen’s life and help them grow socially, emotionally, and cognitively. In fact, young people with friends report feeling happier on average and have greater self-esteem. They also may experience less sadness and worry—especially when they feel like their friend has their back. So when a friendship ends, it can feel like their whole world has come to an end, too.

“With friends, we look to connect, have fun, decrease loneliness, and foster meaning in our lives,” explains Andrew Cuthbert, PsyD, clinical director at Timber Creek Counseling.  “Friendships can break up after repeated or large disconnections that disrupt the fabric of trust in the relationship. They also can break up when the downsides and drains of the relationship catch up with it, and make it hard to sustain a balanced friendship.” 

Related: The Top 10 Social Struggles Teens Face in the Digital World Today

Emotions Your Teen Might Feel During a Friendship Breakup

It’s not uncommon for your teen to feel a broad range of emotions when their friendship ends. In fact, they might feel everything from anger, anxiety, and loneliness to confusion, sadness, and despair. Some teens may even feel relief—especially if the friendship was unhealthy or toxic. Overall, you may feel like your teen is on a roller coaster of emotions as they process what happened and think through the history of the friendship.

“When a friendship breakup happens, it's like the main act just got canceled and the whole show comes crashing down,” explains Brittany Kristantos, author of I Am Not Your Average Teen. “For a teen, it can feel like their world's ending—lonely, sad, and downright depressing.” 

Related: The 12 Best Movies to Help Your Teen Mend a Broken Heart

What to Say to Your Teen Dealing With a Friend Breakup

Anytime your child is hurting, it can be hard to know what to say. It’s natural to want to help them feel better, but you also know you need to choose your words carefully. You also may worry that you might say something deepens their pain and confusion, or that is taken the wrong way. But, rest assured, there are no magic words for these situations, Cuthbert says.

“You should take stock of what you should say based on your relationship with your teen and what your teen needs,” he suggests. “Most [teens] will want to hear some version of the message that they are loved, others are there for them, and perhaps most of all, that they're allowed to feel however they feel and that you'll be there with them through it.”

Also acknowledge the pain and confusion your teen is experiencing and offer guidance on how to navigate through this difficult time, suggests Noe Avila, LMFT, a marriage and family counselor with Noe Avila Therapy in San Diego who has spent 10 years helping teens in the San Diego Unified School District navigate difficult situations.

“One way to do this is by asking open-ended questions that encourage [your teen] to reflect on their feelings and thoughts,” he says. “For instance, asking ‘How can I show up for you?’ or ‘Is there anything you feel you need right now?’ can help [them] explore their own emotions and empower them to come up with their own solutions.”

You also should reassure and validate them, Avila adds. Letting them know it’s normal to feel hurt, angry, or even confused can help them feel understood and accepted.

“When it comes to dealing with friend breakups, especially for teens out there, it's like trying to untangle a bunch of earphones—it's messy,” says Kristantos.

She also suggests asking your teen—when the timing feels right—if this friendship is worth fighting for and to consider whether the friendship impacted them in a positive or negative way. “Because truth be told, some friendships are worth salvaging, while others are like a bad haircut—you're better off without them. If this friendship means something to them, if not speaking to their friend is hurting them, then make amends.”

Other Things You Can Say

If you’re still struggling to find the right words, Ghassemi offers the following suggestions on things you can say to your teen:

• "I'm here for you if you want to talk about it."

• "It's natural to feel upset; losing a friend is hard."

• "You're not alone in this; I'm here to support you."

• "Take your time to heal; it's OK to focus on yourself right now."

Related: An Age-by-Age Guide to SEL Activities for Kids and Teens

What Not to Say to Your Teen Dealing With a Friend Breakup

Knowing what not to say when your teen is struggling is just as important as knowing what words to choose. For instance, Avila suggests you avoid statements that trivialize their experiences and focus instead on creating a safe and empathetic environment.

“When teens feel heard and understood, they are more likely to open up and seek help when needed,” he says. “This can lead to healthier emotional development and stronger relationships between parents and [their teens]. Instead of dismissing their emotions, provide a supportive space for them to share their experiences.”

You also should listen without judgment and offer empathy and understanding, Avila adds. “Validating statements such as ‘I can understand why you feel that way’ or ‘It's OK to feel upset about this’ can go a long way in showing teens that their emotions are worthy of attention.”

Other Things to Avoid Saying

Ghassemi suggests you avoid saying the following things to your teen:

• "Just get over it; it's not a big deal."

• "You're better off without them."

• "Stop being sad; you'll find new friends soon."

• "I never liked them anyway; you should have listened to me."

How to Know if the Friendship Can Be Restored

There will be some friendships that appear to have reached their final end, but others that have the potential to be restored. Only your teen can determine if it’s worth it to make amends with their friend.

For instance, if the friendship was filled with mutual support and encouragement, it may be worth trying to work things out. The key is that there is a mutual desire to make amends and that the conflict wasn’t something significant, says Jeffrey R. Gardere, PhD, associate professor of behavioral medicine at Touro College of Osteopathic Medicine in Harlem.

“They also should take their time and see what happens with the situation that may have led to the friendship breakup," Dr. Gardere advises. "Perhaps there is not a full understanding as to what happened.”

Your teen will know that a friendship can be saved if both people express a willingness to communicate and resolve issues, adds Ghassemi. There also should be a mutual understanding and acknowledgment of each other's feelings and efforts to rebuild trust and respect.

Helping Your Teen Move On After a Friend Breakup

Sometimes the breakup of a friendship is final and your teen will be forced to move on—whether they want to or not. Begin by helping them develop effective coping strategies for dealing with the loss of a friendship.

“Encouraging them to practice relaxation techniques such as deep breathing, meditation, or mindfulness exercises can help reduce stress and anxiety,” says Avila. “Teaching them about the stages of grief will also [allow them] to process their feelings.”

He suggests setting up daily or weekly check-ins. You also can encourage them to engage in physical activities like jogging, yoga, or dancing to release endorphins and improve mood. “By teaching your teen healthy ways to manage their emotions, you can equip them with the tools they need to navigate future challenges.”

Related: How to Help Your Child Make Friends

When to Seek Outside Help

If your teen starts to withdraw from things they once enjoyed or if they avoid their other friends or family members, they may benefit from talking to a mental health professional or being evaluated by a health care provider.

“Your teenager may isolate themselves from their friends and family, avoiding social interactions and preferring to spend most of their time alone, [but] this isolation can further exacerbate feelings of loneliness and sadness,” Avila says.

Other warning signs include declining grades, having trouble focusing in class, or showing a lack of motivation to complete assignments, Avila adds. “The emotional turmoil caused by a breakup can often affect their ability to concentrate and engage in their schoolwork.”

Finally, watch for signs of prolonged sadness or depression, he says, especially if you notice your teen having frequent crying spells, feeling hopeless or excessively guilty, and/or displaying a persistent low mood. It’s crucial to recognize these signs and seek outside support for your teenager.

“A professional mental health clinician can provide the necessary guidance and support to help your teenager navigate their emotions and develop healthy coping mechanisms,” Avila says. “Remember, reaching out for help is a sign of strength, and by doing so, you are showing your teenager that they are not alone in their struggles.”

Related: Your Teens Need a Mental Health Break Just as Much as You Do

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