Help! I Stumbled on a Collage of My Family at My Mother-in-Law’s House. It Accuses Me of Murder.

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.

Dear Prudence,

My husband of 11 years and father of our two children died by suicide six years ago. He struggled with depression and untreated OCD for years and left me in the dark as to the severity of his symptoms. My children and I have mostly healed and are living full and busy lives. My issue is my former mother-in-law. I am very close with my husband’s sister, and his father is great. Initially, I spent a lot of time with them after his death because it brought me comfort.

Last Christmas, I came across a collage at the in-laws in the bedroom my kids would sleep in for overnights. My face was blacked out in a picture of me and my husband and kids. There were also sayings posted that said things about “finding justice” and that he was “made to appear broken by the woman who broke him.” These phrases surrounded pictures of my late husband. My MIL and I have never been close, and there have been some tense exchanges after his death, but to me this just translates into “you killed my son / his death is your fault.” I told my kids to stay out of that room, but this recent Christmas my teenager was escaping family time and saw the collage. Now there is a sign that says “The Truth” with my husband’s picture on it.

I tried gently asking her about it over text, but she was evasive in her answers. I’d rather just be out with it, I don’t have the time or energy for passive aggressive swipes. What should I do? My kids are old enough now where they have seen this and it’s impacting how they act towards their grandma. I’ve tried letting it go, but it has gotten under my skin.

—I Did Not Kill My Husband

Dear Did Not,

I know your kids love their grandma, and perhaps you even rely on her for childcare, but they simply cannot have a relationship with a person who thinks their mother is a murderer. Especially when that person doesn’t even have the decency to conceal her beliefs from them. I can imagine that it must be hard to accept a child’s suicide, particularly when he hid his mental illnesses from everyone, but the death was many years ago and your MIL should have come to terms with the facts by now. Or at least stopped lashing out at others as a result of her sadness. Her choice to allow her grandkids to stumble on the weird collage featuring her disturbing attacks on you says a lot about how much she cares about their emotional well-being: Not in the least. You need to let them know that people who are grieving sometimes behave in strange ways, and because of Grandma’s upsetting beliefs and scary wall art, they will not be going to her house anymore. It’s fine to keep the door open to reconnect in the future if she’s able to apologize and (at a minimum!) refrain from doing anything to make your kids think you committed a felony.

Dear Prudence,

My girlfriend’s family doesn’t get along in general on either side, and both autism and serious OCD run on both sides, and there’s a lot of conflict. Maybe as part of this, very few people in her family on either side form long-term romantic attachments or get married. Even fewer have kids. This extends up to many of her uncles and aunts (now in their 50s) and her great uncles and great aunts (aged in 70s through 90s!) who remained single for life on both sides. (It doesn’t seem like it is in a closeted way either, although obviously I can’t know for sure.) She has no cousins: Her parents were the only people from their respective nuclear families to have kids.

My extended family is more average around connection: Everyone talks to each other, and most people form romantic connections and marry. Many people have kids. I’m absolutely not pushing my girlfriend for marriage besides stating that it’s a long-term goal of mine, one she’s said she also wants. But after going to my brother’s wedding this winter and meeting my family, she complains they’re “obsessed with marriage.” She’s asked me multiple times why “everyone” in my family marries. I see marriage as a way to mark a very serious long-term commitment with tax benefits and legal protections, one that is extra special because it wasn’t always available to us as lesbians. I also believe in divorce but I hope not to need it.

How do I respond to her when she makes these complaints? I don’t bring up marriage, it’s way too soon. And no one else in my family is either, I’ve asked around to see if there’s pressure somewhere. I think our families just look different, so “obsessed” is just “90 percent of people over 30 are married and a couple cousins are divorced.” She complains about this a lot, so it means something.

—I’m Missing Something

Dear Missing Something,

The last line of your letter pretty much sums up my advice. It’s fine for everyone in your family to be married. It’s fine for this to be something your girlfriend isn’t used to. But her being bothered by their partnerships (which actually don’t affect her very much at all) is a signal that she’s actually troubled by something else—perhaps it has to do with her ability to fit in, or how painful it is to be reminded about the frayed connections in her own family, or a concern that you’re judging her, or a feeling of being pressured despite your best efforts. Maybe as a lesbian, she’s uncomfortable on some level with an institution that wasn’t always available to couples like yours. Who knows! The possibilities are endless, and to learn more, you’re going to have to ask. That means the next time she says “Why are all your relatives married??!” instead of going through your talking points about tax benefits, say something like “I don’t really know. What do you think it means?” or “How does it feel to be around them?” or “I never really thought much about it, but it’s interesting to look at it through your eyes. Does anything about it make you feel weird or worry you?”

Dear Prudence,

I (38/M) began dating my girlfriend “Maria” almost three years ago, though we’ve known each other for seven years through a mutual friend, “Giselle.” Giselle and Maria work together; I know Giselle from graduate school. There are a group of seven of us from graduate school still in the immediate area, and a few others are fairly close by, so we try to arrange large group events occasionally, and those of us in the city will meet up for a happy hour or whatnot. Long story short, Maria does not get along with the other women in the group (but still gets along with Giselle). From what I can tell, one woman in particular, “Eve,” clashes with Maria because they both have very strong personalities, and the other women take Eve’s side.

Maria recently asked me to stop socializing with the other women, to show that I support her.
I want to have her back, but I feel like this is a very unfair request—if one person in the group sends out texts about getting drinks after work or whatnot, I can’t control who shows up. Also, I’m pretty sure I can’t just start sending out invites to just the males, and Giselle, and tell them not to invite the other women. The only real solution that I can see is to stop socializing with the entire group. I feel like I’m stuck with a no-win situation here: support Maria by cutting off my friends, or risk the end of our relationship. Is there a middle ground that I just don’t see?

—Sophie’s Choice

Dear Sophie’s Choice,

Pick a side! Take a stance! Seriously, I don’t buy the “They both have strong personalities and for some unknown reason the entire group clashes with my girlfriend” story. Be honest with yourself—are these women unkind or immature or petty? Or is Maria giving them a reason to dislike her? It’s not normal for a bunch of almost 40-year-old women to have this kind of conflict. At this point in life, people should have friends who they like and get along with without too much effort. So I’m convinced that someone—or multiple people—are behaving in a way that’s unusual or out of line.

Abandon the idea of remaining neutral, and really sit down and reflect on who you’re dealing with here. What’s really going on below the surface of these regular clashes? Does Maria have problems with people in all areas of her life? Is Eve known for attacking and alienating people? Are the other women generally reasonable people, or are they for some reason overly influenced by their queen bee? Who’s nice? Who’s not nice? Come on, I know you know. When you figure it out, your response to your girlfriend’s request will either be “Maria, they’ve been treating you horribly and I’m over them,” or “They haven’t done anything wrong so I’m not going to cut them off, and I really think this situation might be an opportunity for you to reflect on how you talk to people.” I don’t know what it is, but I’m certain it is not “I’m stuck in the middle.”

Submit your questions anonymously here. (Questions may be edited for publication.) And for questions on parenting, kids, or family life, try Care and Feeding!

Dear Prudence,

For the past several years, I have rented a nice apartment that I have grown very attached to. My landlord “Matt” is, as far as landlords go, a seemingly decent enough guy. Despite my general distrust of landlords, we have developed a fairly cordial relationship. The issue is how Matt refers to my neighbor, “Julie.” She and her live-in partner mostly keep to themselves, and we haven’t interacted much beyond a couple friendly hellos and some small talk. So while I can’t say for sure how they identify or what their preferred pronouns are, I’m pretty certain they are a trans lesbian couple. But when my landlord mentions Julie, he will generally misgender her, saying “he” or “him.” (I am a cis woman, FWIW.)

The first time this happened I stopped myself from correcting him because 1. I didn’t want to blow it up and create a problem for Julie out of thin air, 2. Matt is an older man from a different culture, and I charitably thought it was possible that he had just gotten confused, 3. I was too flummoxed by what to say that I honestly couldn’t react quickly enough. But recently he referred to her and said something like “he, she, whatever” while making a bit of a snide face—a pretty unmistakable show of transphobia and disrespect. I corrected him by saying “She!” with a polite smile, but did not say go any further because I was in the middle of negotiating a new lease with him and trying to remain diplomatic.

Now that that’s concluded and I’ve determined that I will be staying here another few years, I would like to say something polite but firm to “Matt” if it comes up again—but I do seem to have a lifelong habit of trying to do the right thing and having it backfire. The last thing I want is to worsen any tension between my landlord and two nice people who are honestly just minding their own business. Yet at the same time, just standing there and not speaking up completely goes against my values and instincts. So—do I just bite my tongue, which makes me feel like I’m complicit in Matt’s prejudice? Or do I say something to him—and if so, what? He really does seem to like me, so I think there’s a chance he would listen.

—When Is It My Business

Dear My Business,

Correcting him by saying “She!” was the right thing to do. Nice job reacting in the moment instead of fake laughing and then thinking about what you should have said for the next week. But I don’t think more action is called for right now. I say that because you’re not 100 percent sure how your neighbors identify, and because your concern about creating tension between them and Matt that could lead to their mistreatment is legitimate. Rest assured that Julie and her partner have navigated their share of ignorance and bigotry in this life, and will make their own calculations about how to respond to any misgendering that may occur in their conversations with him.

Your instinct to protect them is a really good one, but a good first step would be to befriend them in a neighborly way. Maybe come up with a reason to knock on their door, introduce yourself and exchange numbers. Then invite them over for coffee one day. If you end up clicking—and keep in mind that even though they’re in the LGBTQ community and you’re an ally, they’re still just people who you may or may not connect with—wait for them to open up about their identities and any discrimination, harassment, or day-to-day annoyances they might face as a result. That’ll be your opening to say, “You know, I get the impression that Matt is a little bit backward when it comes to this kind of stuff. If he ever misgenders you while talking to me, what could I say to him that would be most helpful?”

Dear Prudence,

I’m a millennial woman who works in the arts. I’ve hosted many public talks in my community. I recently attended a corporate empowerment summit for professionals from marginalized groups, where I was offered a modest speaking fee and hotel stay to moderate a panel with entrepreneurs from very different industries. The organizer asked me to be friendly and conversational; so, I threw in pop culture references to keep things light. I joked about the coffee being strong. I even got a stoic interview subject to tear up when I asked about his mentors. Several attendees told me my talk was fun and engaging!

But I also got some negative feedback, which seemed a bit … generationally motivated. One woman quizzed me on my industry bonafides; another woman, who is a banker, loudly asked to curate next year’s summit for “people who actually belong” there. At the closing party, the organizer (drunkenly) told me that I seemed “uncomfortable” and “out of my element.” I actually thought it went fine, until he added that I should hire a speaking coach! When this organizer recruited me for the event, he stressed that he wanted more young people to participate. But I left feeling incredibly alienated, and utterly confused when he wrote to thank me and invite me back next year. How do I even address this person, let alone send my invoice?

—This Ain’t No Country Club

Dear Country Club,

I think this is what happened: At the closing party, some of the critical, rude people complained to the organizer. He—a person who is battling his own insecurities about his work and performance—drunkenly took in their remarks and regurgitated them to you. Then, the next day when he sobered up and processed all the positive feedback, he realized he was giving too much weight to the views of these outspoken critics and decided to invite you again. Accept the invitation because you shouldn’t let these people and their lack of professionalism keep you from opportunities. Then, to deal with the nagging feeling that your presentation really did need some work, seek out someone you know to be fair and reasonable and ask them for their honest feedback about whether there’s anything you could improve.

Dear Prudence,

I became friends with someone pre-pandemic through a shared social group. We were in each other’s pandemic bubble and became close. In the past year, another friend from the same group fell on some hard times and moved into my friends’ house. He has since taken over, to the point where my friend now sleeps in his living room while the housemate (who does not contribute to any bills) sleeps in the master bedroom, which is overrun with roommate’s stuff, which is also taking over the guest bedroom, the office, and dining area. My friend has some extensive health problems and is on a great deal of medication and roommate has made himself indispensable, which is great and appreciated! However, roommate has also, in my opinion, isolated my friend to the point where he doesn’t socialize without the roommate—the last time friend and I had dinner he had to do so in secret so as not to upset the roommate.

They are not in a relationship, although the roommate would like them to be. (My thought is that they ARE in a relationship, albeit a non-romantic one on my friend’s part). The roommate has his good points, but also has a tendency to be condescending and erratic. He recently lashed out at me to the point where I don’t feel safe around his increasingly frequent mood swings. I told my friend I would still love to get together with him but would not be coming by his house if roommate is there—and roommate is always there. Friend doesn’t understand what the issue is because my roommate does help him with his health issues. I said that “just because he is a good friend to you does not mean he is a good friend to me,” which seems to have cooled our friendship considerably, to the point where I question the effort I am putting into this, as I am now the one to set up things, initiate conversations, etc. and don’t get responses. Is the friendship over? Am I right to be worried about his isolation?

—Frozen Out or Just Cold?

Dear Cold,

You’re absolutely right to be worried—this honestly sounds like the beginning of some very disturbing movie or an episode of My Roommate From Hell. But that worry shouldn’t lead to any more action. You’ll have to keep reminding yourself that other adults get to make their own choices and pick their own friends, even if those choices and friends are horrible for them.

The friendship is not over if you don’t want it to be. I can see a case for putting this person in the “potentially facing abusive treatment and shouldn’t become isolated” category, which would mean you’d lower the bar for his behavior and commit to reminding him that you’re there for him if he ever wants to talk or spend time together. However, if you simply think he’s so obsessed with his roommate that he’s not holding up his end of the relationship, feel free to step back. You can’t control whether he surrounds himself with good friends, but you can control whether you do.

Recently, I started my first and very demanding job as a doctor. I’m a 27-year-old woman from Denmark. Currently, I’m a resident in emergency medicine and work 60-80 hours a week. My boyfriend is working abroad at the moment, although we normally live together. He only returns home roughly once a month. Since the beginning of our relationship, he’s had a medical condition, which means that his ejaculation is seriously delayed and sometimes doesn’t come at all. In order to ejaculate, we need to be at it for hours. After a busy working day, I just can’t wrap my head around having sex for hours and hours. I wish we could just have a quickie, but at this time I’ve genuinely come to dread having sex.