Help! My Sister-in-Law Is Demanding a Last-Minute Dress Change or I’m Cut From the Wedding.

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.

Dear Prudence,

I’m in my sister-in-law’s wedding in three weeks. When she first selected her bridesmaids eight months ago, she sent all the websites for the dresses and said we could pick any dress that was a certain length, material, and color she selected. She said she’d like to know which we picked, but it wasn’t for approval, she just wanted to know. I immediately let her know two I was going to order to determine which I preferred, and would return the other. I ordered the recommended four months out. I definitely liked one more than the other, so I let my SIL know which dress I was keeping, took it to get altered for length, and returned the other within the refund time frame. Yesterday, my SIL texted me saying someone else had selected the same dress as me and she didn’t want any duplicates, so could I please swap and wear the other one I had ordered? I said, unfortunately, I wouldn’t be able to since I’d already returned it and gotten my dress altered.

She lost it. She started yelling about how she just wanted everyone to be in a different dress and since I’d picked out two, it shouldn’t be a problem for me to switch. I said if I still had both, I would switch, but that it wasn’t an option anymore. She told me I needed to reorder the other dress to wear. I told her I would be glad to if she was going to pay for the dress and the rush production and shipping fee that would now be required and be OK with it just being pinned since there wouldn’t be time to alter it. She told me if I couldn’t get the dress, I didn’t need to be involved in the wedding. I replied that I thought maybe that was for the best and that I’d just attend as a guest. She told me no, if I wasn’t up there as a bridesmaid, I didn’t need to be there at all. I know she’s being ridiculous, but do I need to just give in to keep the family peace? I can afford the dress and fees, so that’s not actually an issue.

—Just Give Her What She Wants

Dear Just Give Her What She Wants,

I did give some serious thought to whether you should bite the bullet and buy the second dress just to avoid permanent damage to your relationship with this woman. There’s something to be said for going with the flow when you’re participating in a wedding party. And like you said, you can afford to buy a second dress. But I don’t think you should. Here’s why: Anyone who is inconsiderate enough to demand a swap and then move so quickly to threaten cutting you from bridesmaid duty and disinviting you altogether will eventually be a problem regardless. This isn’t a person with whom you’re going to have an easy relationship, even if you do bend to her bridezilla-adjacent antics. So put your foot down with her now, or you’ll have to do it at Christmas when she tries to tell you how to spend on her gift; or when she has a baby and announces that if you want to be in her life, you’ll be signing up for weekend nanny duty; or when you have one and she tells the whole family you’re insensitive because the name you chose is the name of the hamster she had in the sixth grade.

Take this opportunity to set the tone for your relationship with her going forward. Say, “I won’t be able to get the second dress, and I understand that means I won’t be welcome at the wedding. I’m sad to miss your special day but I accept your decision and wish you the best!” If anyone in the family wants to know what happens, your line is, “Unfortunately, there was a disagreement about my dress and I was removed from the bridal party and asked not to attend.” I know you want to “keep the family peace,” but remember that you don’t have the power to do that when you’re dealing with a person who is committed to being non-peaceful. All you can do is keep your own peace. Donate the altered dress to an organization that provides prom and formal attire to girls who can’t afford it. And when the wedding day comes and you’re not up at 6 a.m. to get your makeup done and take orders from your sister-in-law, make sure you do something nice for yourself instead.

Sometimes even Prudence needs a little help. This week’s tricky situation is below. Submit your comments about how to approach the situation here to Jenée, and then look back for the final answer here on Friday.

Dear Prudence,

My best friend, “S,” is engaged to another friend, “E.” S and E have been together for about two and a half years, and are planning to get married in October 2025. I am generally friends with both, but was friends with S first, and am much closer to S. Since the beginning of their relationship, S and E have had communication issues and have had really high highs and low lows. They are in couples counseling. I don’t think they should get married. I’ve been against it the whole time they’ve been engaged. They both have disabilities that clash, and often make it difficult to live together (for example, E needs a clean space but S can’t maintain spaces, S is over-stimulated by loud noises and E mostly makes loud noises to show affection), and have very different communication styles. I know I can’t tell them to break up. But being around them, together or separately, recently has been driving me bananas, and I become unpleasant and unkind. How do I separate myself, while also still supporting my best friend? I care about both of them a lot and want them to be happy, but I also want to be happy.

—Friend in the Middle

Dear Friend in the Middle,

Well, let’s look at the positive: At least these two are in counseling! It shows that despite all their differences, they’re willing to work on improving their relationship. Maybe things can get better. I mean, ideally, they would have waited to see whether they could find peace and be kind to each other despite their varying levels of cleanliness and noise making and then decided whether or not to get engaged. But it’s something.

In the meantime, you don’t deserve to be miserable and you definitely don’t want to set yourself up to become so agitated that you end up lashing out at one or both of them. You should talk to S. But first, make a list of the specific things about being around them together and individually that are driving you bananas. For example, “When we were all out to dinner and you two went outside to fight, I ended up eating most of my meal alone,” “When I had you two over to watch the Bachelor and you gave each other the silent treatment over a disagreement you had, neither of you really talked to me either and it sucked,” “S, the last five times we’ve hung out, you’ve spent most of the time talking about your frustration with E, and I haven’t had a chance to share anything that’s going on with me.”

Then think about what would make this better for you and propose those solutions.  “Please start getting along better” isn’t a realistic request, but maybe it would help if you didn’t spend time with just the two of them as a third wheel. If other people are there (ideally multiple other people), you’ll always have someone else to turn to as a distraction when S and E start bickering. When it comes to your one-on-one time with S, emphasize like you did in your letter that you want them to be happy, but all the talk about conflict with E feels like it’s taking over your relationship, and you worry that you’re going to become impatient and potentially lash out.

Also, start thinking now about what role you’ll be comfortable playing in their wedding, if you’re asked. Are you going to be comfortable standing up to support a union that you think is a bad idea? How will you navigate all the events and manage the inevitable conflicts that arise during the planning process? And if you do think you’ll be in the bridal party, start thinking about some topics you can use for a heartwarming toast that avoids telling any lies about the amazing love the couple shares.

Submit your questions anonymously here. (Questions may be edited for publication.) And for questions on parenting, kids, or family life, try Care and Feeding!

Dear Prudence,

How do I deal with a chronic “one-upper” at work? No matter what I (or my co-workers) say, she will immediately let us know we are not at her level. If I discovered an awesome obscure pizza place on the weekend, she says she eats there every night and knows the owner. If I rent a lake house for a few days, she says she always rents a 10-bedroom mansion there because her great-grandfather discovered the lake and obviously, she owns half the beach, too. If a co-worker tells a story about how they broke their arm surfing when they were a kid, she says she broke both arms surfing when she was a kid, as well as four ribs, her collarbone, and five toes.

It’s a small office—we are kind of trapped together, and I love my job and I love my co-workers, but this is driving us crazy. The other hard part is that the higher-ups LOVE her. She is extremely charming with them and always compliments them. And she is not totally horrible at her job, but she’s not great at it either. She tends to do less work than everyone else but talks herself up like she’s running the show. I have also seen her take credit for other co-workers’ work, but she is so sneaky and calculated about it that we would look like we were not being “team players” if we called her out. Would you please offer some advice to help us get through each day with this exhausting woman?

—Not Down With the One Upper

Dear Not Down,

When it comes to the one-upping about personal stuff, I’m going to have to prescribe internal eye-rolls, quick “she’s doing it again” eye contact with your co-workers, and occasional happy hours where you go over all of her antics and laugh. People are allowed to have bad personalities, and you don’t get paid enough to stress out about them in addition to your actual workload.

However, her habit of taking credit for others’ work is a more serious issue. It won’t be solved by confronting her or calling her out in front of supervisors, though. Instead, make sure to document your own contributions in detail so that when it comes time for your annual review, it will be in writing that you personally authored pages one through 99 of the 100-page annual report. In addition, you and your honest, non-one-upping colleagues should commit to publicly talking up each other’s work—again, with specifics like, “Jordan, thank you so much for single-handedly doing all the research for that project, creating the slide deck, and taking the notes in the meeting. You really went above and beyond!” That way it will be clear what the bragger didn’t do—and by being complimentary, you’ll come out looking good, too. That way the next time your nemesis says, “I actually once drank so much water that I poisoned myself” after you simply mention that you’re trying to stay hydrated, it will be less annoying.

Dear Prudence,

Four years ago, I struck up a close friendship with a neighbor just a few doors down. Our connection was instant: Our kids are the same age and adore each other as much as she and I do. But there’s a catch—she and her husband are pretty strict about his kids being supervised by only her. Even though we’re incredibly close and although I trust her with my kids, they won’t bend their rules, not even for me. I’ve offered to help out by watching her kids for a bit so she can catch a break, but she always insists she needs to be there. It’s a bit disheartening and honestly, it stings a little. I know that their hyper-vigilance is driven by fear of something happening to their kids, but honestly, you need to be able to trust at least some people in this world. Why refuse people who are trying to become your “village” in favor of isolation?

—Curiously Conflicted

Dear Curiously Conflicted,

You’re not wrong, but neither is she. Your neighbor could very well be saying to her husband and friends, “Can you believe Conflicted Neighbor lets her kids go to friends’ houses without even doing a background check on the parents? They could be perverts or criminals. I know people need a ‘village’ but honestly, you need to consider your kids’ safety first. Why risk it just so you can get some alone time?” You two just aren’t going to agree on this one.

This is the kind of conflict that fuels social media “Mommy wars” content year after year. Many of us struggle to believe that other people who love their children as much as we do would make completely different choices for them. We feel so strongly about our own approach that seeing something that contradicts it can make us uncomfortable, offended, and even pissed off. My theory: The idea of “mom friends” and the accompanying assumption that being a mother means you have a ton in common with others who have also procreated can really set us up for a shock when we realize there are a lot of areas in which parents don’t see eye to eye at all.

Maintaining a close friendship with this woman is going to require reminding yourself that while you really like each other and have kids who like each other, you might not share the same worldview, priorities, desire for a break, level of anxiety, or beliefs about what you “need.” Dig deeper and I’m sure you’ll find even more differences and choices that you think are weird or ridiculous. That’s OK. You know that your friend “choosing isolation” is not an attack on you (in fact, it really doesn’t affect you at all) but also consider that it may not feel like choosing isolation for her. You want her to have the break that you want her to have, with her kids on a playdate down the street, but she might want a different kind of break—like for you to show up with an activity that keeps her kids occupied for an hour or two while she keeps an eye on them and relaxes at the same time. If you want to maintain this friendship, start paying attention to what she says she needs, more than what you would need if you were in her position. If her preferences aren’t hurting anyone, withhold judgment. Hopefully, she’ll do the same for you.

Dear Prudence,

A year ago, my boyfriend’s adult daughter sent me photo evidence of her father on a dating site for married men. He had used the service while married in the past. Naturally, he denied it, but I found credit card activity that proved otherwise. I have asked for more transparency (credit card statements, unlocked cell phone) but he refuses. I fear I’m being taken for a fool. What are my options?

—Trusting to a Fault

Dear Trusting,

Think about how terrible a man has to be for his own daughter to choose you over him. Just think about it! Your options are to break up with him or continue being taken for a fool while you make requests for evidence that you will never receive because it will confirm that he’s never been anywhere close to faithful.

My daughter is a freshman in college out of state and my wife insists on using an app called Life360 to track her whereabouts at all times. My daughter resents this, and I personally think it’s an invasion of privacy.