Help! My Sister Brought Her Sick Kid to Thanksgiving and Infected Everyone. And She’s Mad at Me?

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Prudence,

I “ruined” Thanksgiving because my sister insisted on dragging her three sick kids to our parents and let them cough and sneeze all over the food and put their snot covered hands everywhere and I refused to eat anything they touched. I argued with my sister that she should have stayed home or put the kids to bed upstairs rather than risk all of us getting sick. Especially after COVID! My sister told me that I was “overreacting” and I ended up leaving early. Now, I am the only one in the family that isn’t sick as a dog. My sister is pissed at me because everyone is echoing what I said at dinner. I have stopped taking her calls because she refuses to drop the subject. How do I handle this at Christmas?

—Sick of This

Dear Sick,

What’s your favorite meal? Make it or get it delivered from a local restaurant. Show up at Christmas with as much good cheer as you can muster, assuming everyone will behave. Talk about things other than the Thanksgiving germ-fest. Give and accept gifts with a positive attitude. When dinner is served, if you have reason to believe it’s been contaminated yet again with the snot of a sickly kid, pull out your food and heat it up, without making a scene. If pressed, say “You know how I am about avoiding viruses” and then change the subject to something less fraught, like politics.

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Dear Prudence,

We are fortunate to have a great guest space in our home and love hosting! At the same time, some of our “regulars” can be challenging, and I’d love your thoughts on how I can be compassionate and accommodating while also preserving my own sanity. More specifically, these particular visitors engage in (what feels like) continuous stream of consciousness monologues. Topics range from what shoes they are planning to wear to what they are doing next (i.e. I think I’ll take a shower) to repeated questions about outings or events that have been planned and explained in great detail (in addition to printed itineraries being left on bedside tables) to anything else under the sun that catches their attention at any given moment (i.e. Did I tell you about (person who you’ve never met and their dog/kid/job/house/etc)?).

Not only is the incessant chatter incredibly overstimulating (we also have pets and children demanding our attention), but it also tends to be one-sided, rather than an actual conversation. I try to be understanding—they live alone, are retired, and are likely eager for company and connection with us—but I find that I dread their visits (that tend to be 5+ days) and am relieved when they leave. I can imagine you might suggest a direct conversation, which might be the right strategy, but it would be helpful to have some guidance around how to initiate and what to say. All parties are very sensitive and are likely to be hurt or offended, so I want to approach this as thoughtfully as possible.

—An Exhausted Holiday Hostess

Dear Exhausted,

Five plus days!? That’s a long visit. To be clear, it’s a long visit even if your guests are people who speak precisely the right amount about the right topics, and are wonderfully interesting and engaging. It’s just a lot of time to have to be “on” and have to make the conversation that, when you have people in your home, inevitably fills what would normally be quiet moments.

I wish I knew more about who these visitors were and the intention for their visits. Are they your in-laws who make frequent trips because you and your spouse ask them to help with the kids? Are they more distant relatives who are asking to crash at your place because you live in a nice beach town? Are they genuine friends who happen to be older? Are you hosting them because you truly enjoy them or as an act of charity to help ameliorate their loneliness? Knowing the answers to these questions would help me decide whether to suggest that you cut down on the number of or length of visits, carve out alone time for yourself when your guests are there, or try to plan activities (Movies? Games? Bike rides? Silent disco?) that would make nonstop stream of consciousness monologues more difficult.

Contrary to the prediction in your letter, I’m strongly against a direct conversation whose takeaway message is “You need to talk less because most of what you say tends to suck and you’re annoying me.” No matter how you package it, there’s just no way to make that a kind thing to say to a guest. Plus, I’m not even very confident that it would lead to meaningful change. Instead, assume that the quality and volume of conversation is going to be about what it is, and then invite guests based on your assessment of how long you can handle that before it really begins to wear on you. My suggestion (again, without knowing all the details) is two nights, max.

Dear Prudence,

I travel regularly to a city where I used to live for work. I’ll usually let friends know when I’ll be in town and a day or days when I could meet for dinner, coffee, or a drink. They’ll say they’re excited, but neither of us follow through on making plans. I assume they’ll let me know what works from what I’ve offered and I try to be as flexible as possible since I’m just dropping in. I like seeing friends, but making plans is not my forte and I’m not very persistent. Should I give them fewer choices and/or be more specific? Is the onus on me to make sure we see each other, or have I done enough and we’ll try again next time?

—Social but Lazy

Dear Social but Lazy,

When you’re thinking about this, replace “What should I do?” and “Is the onus on me?” with “What do I want?” Seriously, do you actually want to see these friends? I really can’t tell from reading your letter. And I know that when life gets busy (and it sounds like yours is especially busy, with your frequent travel), it can be easy to look at your days and see a series of tasks that have to be checked off your list and obligations that have to be met. But slow down for a minute. Picture each of these friends in your head. Imagine yourself sitting across the table from them, one by one. Do you feel happy? Excited? Annoyed? Dutiful? If you don’t experience genuine warm feelings in your imagined happy hour scenario, free yourself from the burden of making plans.

You can continue to like these former coworker’s social media posts until the end of time, but you don’t actually need to take on the role of social coordinator and carve time out of your schedule to see them. On the other hand, if you do conclude that spending time with them would be enjoyable and make you feel good, forget about who “should” do what, and throw out a date and time to get together. For what it’s worth, I think they’re likely leaving the planning to you because you’re in town for a purpose, and it stands to reason that most of your time will be occupied by that purpose, so you’re the best judge of when you’re available to hang out.

Catch up on this week’s Prudie.

I got married young. By the time I turned 30, I already had two marriages and divorces under my belt. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about my part in those relationships’ ends, what I overlooked at the time, and what I want (or don’t want!) for myself and my child now. I’ve been with my current boyfriend for two years. We both said early on we could be together, but we would never marry. Now, we’ve started to talk about marriage, and it freaks me out.