Help! I Have Major Concerns Over the Family I’m About to Marry Into. Specifically the Women.

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Prudence,

I am getting engaged to my boyfriend of two years, which I am very happy about. But the women in his family concern me. His mom, sister, and I don’t click well. My therapist said they sound narcissistic and bring drama. I have two sisters I get along well with and plan to have as bridesmaids. My boyfriend and I think it’s best to make his sister a groomswoman. I know the two women want to be involved, but I’m trying to decide my limits. I was thinking about including them when I have a brunch introducing my mom and bridesmaids to each other, and of course they can help with the shower if they want. But I’m not sure I feel comfortable inviting them to my bridal suite the day of the wedding. Am I making things worse by including them in some things and not others, or will checking the box and including them in some things help satisfy them if they complain they aren’t involved? How do you tactfully say they are not invited to the suite and need to figure out hair and makeup separately?

—“I Do” to Sisterhood

Dear I Do,

Easy: Your boyfriend makes the decision and the announcement, which goes a little something like this: “Will you be my groomswoman at the wedding? I want to include you in the wedding party, and since we’re so close, I’d love to have you in my suite so you can spend the morning of the wedding with me.” (If you’re coordinating hair and makeup for your bridesmaids, perhaps the people you hire can swing by his suite later. Otherwise, he can tell them they need to make their own plans.) If your therapist’s assessment is right, she and/or her mom might find something to be upset about regardless. This will provide an opportunity for you to practice staying calm in the face of their drama and letting everyone take responsibility for their own side of the family. It sounds as if you’re going to need those skills for the rest of your life.

Sometimes even Prudence needs a little help. This week’s tricky situation is below. Submit your comments about how to approach the situation here to Jenée, then look back for the final answer here on Friday.

Dear Prudence,

All my life, my mother has considered herself a wonderful “problem solver”—which, in my experience, has frequently led to her meddling excessively in my life. Conversations about various frustrations I was experiencing inevitably turned into her stepping in and taking action. (She once had an expensive chair delivered to my office after I complained that my department head was dragging his feet on making our workspaces ergonomic; she also once told my now ex-husband that she and my dad were eager for him to propose.) As a result, for quite a few years, I have avoided talking to her about any specifics in my life that would give her room to step in.

I have been divorced for a few years (a decision that she was very unhappy with) and, about six months ago, began dating someone whom I like a lot. I’ve met his family, but I find myself dreading introducing him to my mother because I’m worried that given an inch of access to my life, she’ll take a mile. However, I’m worried that if I warn him she’s prone to over-involving herself or instruct her not to talk to him about marriage, I’ll come off looking crazy. Do I just let this play out and see how it goes, or do I “problem-solve” before she does?

—Don’t Solve My Problems

Dear Don’t Solve My Problems,

You can do two things. First, although I’m not extremely hopeful that your mother is going to change a lot at this point in life, try having a conversation with her about your hopes for how she’ll handle the introduction. This conversation should begin and end with “I love you, I know you love me, and I know you show that love through problem-solving and trying to create the best possible circumstances in my life,” and the middle can include something like “When you meet Dan, I want to ask you not to bring up anything about marriage or say anything to him that includes the phrases ‘You should’ or ‘You need to’ or ‘Why don’t you.’ In fact, if you find yourself wanting to problem-solve or troubleshoot my relationship in any way, please don’t. I want him to get to know you for the wonderful woman you are and not feel pressured or attacked.” It’s only fair to her to give her a chance to change.

Second, warn your new partner. Tell him everything you’ve told me here, including the office chair story, which really paints a picture of your mom’s approach to life! And ask him to please take anything she says with a grain of salt. You two are on the same team, and my hope is that he’ll be able to smile through any probing questions she asks about his intentions for you and then laugh about it with you in the car on the drive home.

Submit your questions anonymously here. (Questions may be edited for publication.) 

Dear Prudence,

I’m married with three kids, and for over 10 years, I’ve been trying to pare down the number of parties with our extended families that surround each of our birthdays and major holidays. One Christmas, we got up to seven gatherings in less than a week and I decided it was time to start saying no. I’ve been fairly successful overall, but every holiday and birthday, we still wind up going to two to five parties thrown by our families. The reasons for this vary (my parents are divorced; my in-laws don’t like large gatherings), but the result is the same: I’m exhausted, overwhelmed, and resentful that what is supposed to be a fun time for everyone is just tiring for me. In my dream world, we would attend or throw one or maybe two parties for each holiday and birthday. This seems like it should be achievable, but to make it happen I have to basically explain to our families that we don’t want to see them as much as they want to see us. This feels churlish (especially when they’re offering to throw the party), and I do realize that having a lot of people who care about us is a happy problem. Should I just suck it up and accept the present situation? If I do want to start combining or refusing parties, how do I go about that kindly?

—Partied Out

Dear Partied Out,

I’m not sure you understand the power of having three kids. “Well, have three kids!” is an excuse for anything you don’t want to do, including but not limited to refusing to drag everyone to multiple birthday parties. Remember this and take back control. Try “We have three kids, and life can get overwhelming. We’re going to have one party for each child at our home” or “With three kids, getting out of the house is a lot. We’re going to stay home for Christmas, and we can probably manage one party the week before.” Add all the niceties you’d like, such as “They love you so much! They can’t wait until they can see you again! We’re so lucky to have such a loving family, and we don’t take it for granted” and “If we could manage, we’d visit everyone individually.” But then it’s back to “However, we have three kids.” Throw in words and phrases like “chaotic,” “unmanageable,” and “just keeping our heads above water.”

You’re a people pleaser (which is exactly how you ended up exhausted, overwhelmed, and resentful), so I know this won’t feel great or even comfortable. If you have trouble prioritizing your own needs over those of the members of your extended family, do it for your children! They don’t want to be frazzled either. And they don’t deserve stressed-out, anxious parents who dread special events. If you need a reminder or validation that it is reasonable to refuse to run all over town multiple times for every occasion, skipping soccer practices and delaying bedtimes, ask your favorite parents group chat or Slack channel for validation. You will receive it.

It’s possible that various family members choose not to attend the one celebration you’re having for each occasion because an ex is present or there will be too many people. That’s OK! There’s always Zoom. Or the possibility of dropping by with a card and a gift a few days later—at a time that works well for you, which should be their first concern because, again, you have THREE KIDS! Yes, it’s great that these people care about you, but if they really care about you, vs. caring about the events they want to host, they’ll understand. If they’d like to see more of your children, there are other options. One great one would be offering to babysit.

Dear Prudence,

Some good friends of my family have a 6-year-old son, whom I occasionally babysit. He is a bit taller than some of his peers, and he weighs nearly 100 pounds. His parents are both obese. Unfortunately, they eat a lot of junk food and don’t seem to monitor what he eats. His mom will pack five snacks for the afternoon, and he’ll eat them all at once. They’ll go to the doughnut shop, and he’ll have two or three doughnuts. I’ve watched him eat six pieces of pizza in one sitting! I don’t know if it’s my place to say anything, but I really worry about his health as such a young overeater. Any suggestions on how to approach, or if to approach, his parents, who are dear friends?

—Anxious Auntie

Dear Anxious Auntie,

I know you care about this kid and want the best for him, but I think you should let this one go. Whether it’s your place to weigh in is not really my concern as much as whether telling this kid’s parents that he eats too much would do anything at all to improve his health or happiness. I don’t think it would. I promise you, his parents don’t go a single day without being reminded—by doctors, by commercials on TV, by the effort it takes to find clothes in their size, and probably even by strangers who offer unsolicited advice—of their weight. I’d guess the same likely goes for their son’s weight. I’d be shocked if they hadn’t already received judgmental comments, a lecture, and a bunch of handouts from his pediatrician. They’re not in the dark about it, or about the fact that their son is larger than other kids his age. You would not be breaking any news by saying, “A lot of people think it would be better for him to be thin!” If you were to speak up, I can almost guarantee nothing would change except an increased sense of weight stigma for the whole family, which could actually cause some real harm.

This child, whom you obviously care about a lot, is not going to face any shortage of people who want him to know how worried they are about his size. He is, however, likely to come up short when it comes to friends and loved ones who accept him for who he is, see him as more than just a body, and give him unconditional love. Be one of those people, for him as well as his parents.

Dear Prudence,

I fully realize that I’m the moody one in my relationship. My partner is always nice and pretty much never has grumpy days, whereas I can be short or snippy sometimes. It just depends on how I’m feeling that day. It’s never major (I’m not an oppressive villain), but I don’t want my partner to have to deal with it anymore, especially since I never have to. Think little things, like I’ll sigh loudly when he leaves his socks on the floor, or I’ll be sullen and quiet for an evening because I have a stressful meeting at work the next day. How can I cut this immature behavior out? I’ll realize that it’s happened after the fact and feel guilty, but in the moment, it just comes out.

—Hi, It’s Me, I’m the Problem

Dear I’m the Problem,

Meditation might help. I recently learned that it’s not just about calming you down. The whole practice of peacefully noticing what you’re thinking and sitting there, not doing anything about it, can teach you to do the same in your regular life. You just need to train yourself to create a little pause between the feeling “Jesus Christ, there are socks on the floor” and the dramatic “What the hell is wrong with you?” sigh. Practicing mindfulness could be one way to do it. You won’t see results immediately, so let your partner know you’re working on it because you think they deserve better.

Other than that, you might just be a bit of a grump. Which is not illegal. You could, of course, test out some of the familiar, tried-and-true tactics for shaking off a sullen or stressed mood (exercise, time outdoors, music, smiling to trick your brain into feeling happy, etc.). But an occasional bad mood isn’t an attack on your partner, especially if you’re able to remind them that it’s not about them. As long as you aren’t lashing out or being unkind, let yourself sulk when you need to. It’s up to them to decide whether the full package of what you bring to the relationship makes your less charming moments worth dealing with.

When my friend “Sally” got engaged, she had suspicions her now-husband was cheating, but married him anyway. On the night of her wedding, one of the groom’s friends got drunk and told me all about the infidelity. He carried out an affair with a close friend of theirs for their entire dating relationship (they’re still close friends, and she’s over at their place all the time). Now Sally has a baby with him too…