Help! I’m Worried the Instagram Algorithm Is Going to Take Over My New Relationship.
It’s Advice Week! In On Second Thought, we’ll revisit questions from the archives and dig into how much has changed since Slate began giving advice in 1997—and how much hasn’t. Read all stories here.
For today’s edition, we dug through Slate’s archives and unearthed questions sent to Prudie from 2020. We’ve asked today’s columnists to weigh in with modern-day sensibilities.
Dear Prudence,
I’ve been on several dates with a wonderful woman whom I really like. We are somewhat talking about exclusivity, but there’s one catch: She’s an Instagram influencer of sorts. It’s not for anything bad. (She lives a minimal-to-zero-waste lifestyle and shares techniques on how others can do this; she also models outfits she made herself from recycled materials.) In fact, I really love how intentional she is about her lifestyle. But it makes me a little squeamish to hear the word influencer associated with someone I’m thinking of seriously dating. Should I care more about how this would show up in our everyday life—for example, the time she has to spend on photo shoots? Should I be worried about our future—what happens if she gets blocked from Instagram, or loses popularity and no longer has an income stream? Or should I be most concerned about the ethics of this? I’ve heard a lot of unsettling things about the Instagram algorithm, and I don’t know that I’d want to be with someone who actively takes advantage of that.
—Unethical to Date an Influencer?
Original Response:
Dear Unethical,
I’ll cheerfully confess to relative ignorance about the unsettling specifics of the “Instagram algorithm,” so I won’t pretend to have any expertise there. Search for detail within yourself: Are you “squeamish” because you have particular ethical objections to her social media photo shoots, and if so, what are they? Or are you “squeamish” because you think social media is embarrassing or frivolous, or you think her job (I don’t know if this is her only form of income or not) is unimportant? You’ve only been on several dates, so you’re getting way ahead of yourself by worrying about “our” financial future; let her worry about her job for now and focus on learning more about her likes and dislikes, basic values and personality traits, favorite meals, etc. You’re free to have ethical reservations about her work and decide not to ask her on another date if you decide it’s an insurmountable disagreement, but I can’t generate them for you. As to whether it’s a “lapse in values” to make a living modeling homemade fashion and DIY strategies online, I once again have to put the question back to you: whose values, and which ones?
From: Dear Prudence (Aug. 11, 2020)
Advice From the Future:
Yeah, I don’t really get this one. What’s the problem? Reading between the lines I think the LW is less worried about practical stuff and more worried that “influencer” sounds shallow or unserious. Maybe they wanted someone with a more traditional career. Who knows? Whatever it is, dating is for deciding how a person makes you feel, and “squeamish” is not one of the reactions that suggests you should take things to the next leave.
—Jenée
Dear Prudence,
My husband is a bit of a hypochondriac. The irony is he takes very little care of his health—I can’t tell you the last time he ate a vegetable or drank a bottle of water, and he has a multitude of health issues he won’t see a doctor about. He has seen a therapist and psychiatrist in the past for anxiety but stopped seeing the therapist and is not taking the anti-anxiety meds the doctor prescribed. Now, he is very stressed about the coronavirus. We have a cabinet he has loaded down with canned goods and masks, he is refusing to take public transportation (we only have one car, so this is a logistical concern), and we recently got into a fight because he asked me to stop touching my face. I have some nervous tics that involve touching my face without really realizing that I am doing it. I also have glasses that I routinely push up. I told him I would do my best but asked him to please try not to be overbearing about it. The conversation deteriorated into an argument with both of us being assholes to one extent or another. What is the right balance of compassion for him and polite indifference in order to preserve my own sanity?
—Coronavirus Is Hurting My Marriage
Original Response:
Dear Hurting My Marriage,
We are all trying, and failing, to not touch our faces. As long as you are washing your hands regularly and not chewing on your fingernails after shaking strangers’ hands, you are a good coronavirus citizen. (Please stop hoarding masks, though.)
In terms of how to interact with your husband, I would apologize for whatever “being an asshole to one extent or another” means and tell him you want to revisit the coronavirus conversation. You can talk through public health experts’ recommendations, which basically amount to regularly washing your hands and staying home as much as you can (that should help on the car front). Then let him talk about why he believes he needs more than that and what he thinks about how he is coping. It’s possible to be compassionate about his anxiety without rearranging your life to accommodate it, particularly when he has not shown a willingness to adjust his own life to better manage it. I don’t think this conversation will resolve everything, nor do I think your husband is likely to be able to do much right now about what you seem to think is a broader issue. But I hope you can make some progress while keeping in mind that tensions could linger, given how much time we might all be spending cooped up with our loved ones. So I’d also recommend coming to an understanding about what you can both do if you are getting on each other’s nerves—like taking time out to go be in separate spaces for a few hours. Good luck!
From: Dear Prudence (March 13, 2020)
Advice From the Future:
I had actually completely forgotten about the whole “don’t touch your face” part of COVID. I’m no Dr. Fauci so don’t quote me, but I believe the thinking was that you wanted to avoid picking up the virus from a surface and then putting it in your eye, nose, or mouth. But if you’re sitting around at home, and you washed your hands the last time you came from outside, you should be good. As far as public transportation, this was March 2020—I think the fear there was more reasonable. This letter really highlights one of the strangest and most unsettling things about that time: Everyone was processing an enormous, life-changing event that we hadn’t encountered before and so much mental energy was dedicated to determining the right way to think and feel about it. I remember editing a piece in which a bunch of public health experts were asked what precautions they planned to take when seeing family around Thanksgiving, and they were all over the place! How afraid should I be? How careful should I be? How should I feel about people who come out differently? were constant and very draining thoughts, at the time this letter was written and for a long time after.
Even now, as I write this, there’s a huge surge in COVID where I live, and I was just wondering whether to pass on indoor activities with my toddler. One part of me says we’re vaccinated and we have to live our lives. I also know that I would want to kick that part of me if I found myself caring for a sick kid while also being sick a week from now—and even more so if anyone in my family joined the many people suffering from long COVID.
Anyway! I completely agree that (very understandable) anxiety and close quarters are combining to cause stress for this couple and would tell the letter writer to err on the side of taking her husband’s concerns seriously—again, this was March 2020 and fear of dying was a very real and reasonable thing. But she should also remind him that there’s no point in being alive with full lung function if you’re also miserable, and ask him not to ignore the health of their marriage while focusing on his physical health. “I will try to catch myself before I touch my eyes and I ask that you try to catch yourself before you snap at me” could be a good start.
—Jenée
Dear Prudence,
My girlfriend of two years lost her job at the very beginning of the pandemic and has been in a downward spiral since then. With so much extra time on her hands, she’s been diving headfirst into a variety of COVID conspiracy sites and profiles on social media. She used to be fairly moderate but has seemingly become more conservative overnight. A few weeks ago, she began “protesting” mask-wearing by purposefully not wearing her mask in public spaces. This is technically legal—our state is not one that mandates mask-wearing statewide—but I was livid. I couldn’t believe how selfish and ignorant she was being by ignoring science in favor of her “freedoms.” I moved out temporarily because I was so enraged.
Well, she got COVID (to no one’s surprise). She recovered quickly and has apparently seen the light … and wants me to move back in. She says she now realizes how wrong she was for not wearing her mask and has even deleted all her anti-masker friends on social media. I just … can’t get past this. I am horrified by her thoughtlessness and, to be honest, very unnerved by how quickly she changed from a normal person into a conspiracy theorist who put her own—and others’—health in danger. But now I feel like a jerk for breaking up with her as she’s recovering from COVID and unemployed. She is also claiming that her deep dive into conspiracy theories was the result of her unemployment-driven depression. Prudie, I can definitely confirm that she was depressed. Which makes me feel even worse about breaking things off right now. What should I do?
—Ex Flouted the Rules, and Now Wants Me Back
Original Response:
Dear Wants Me Back,
If breakups were contingent upon both parties feeling good and doing well, almost no one would ever break up with anyone else. The fact that your girlfriend now understands she was depressed at the beginning of the pandemic means that she should talk to her doctor and try to schedule a consult with a therapist, a psychiatrist, or possibly both—not that her ex is somehow obligated to reunite with her because nothing she said or did while she was depressed “counts.” You do not owe someone a romantic relationship simply because they are suffering or have received a new mental health diagnosis, and it sounds pretty clear that you are no longer interested in this woman romantically. Wish her the best with her continued recovery, but don’t move back in with her just because you feel guilty.
From: Dear Prudence (Sept. 15, 2020)
Advice From the Future:
“If breakups were contingent upon both parties feeling good and doing well, almost no one would ever break up with anyone else.” Thank you! This is a point that’s going to be as relevant in 2050 as it was in 2020 and is in 2024 because a certain kind of really empathetic person just really doesn’t get it. I would add—and I bet this particular previous Prudie would agree with me—that becoming conservative overnight is not just one of those things that happens to the best of us. Lots of people have mental health struggles, lots of people had a really tough time during the pandemic. Not everyone chose this particular deep dive. And I think your girlfriends’ inclination to do so says something about her that will inevitably pop up again if you stay together.
—Jenée
More Prudie From the 2020s
For nearly 10 years of my marriage, there has been tension due to my spouse’s refusal to abide by a budget. We make enough money for a comfortable lifestyle plus retirement savings, but my spouse enjoys shopping for the sake of it and every month blows through some of the money that should be earmarked for retirement. Right now we are lagging too far behind in our retirement savings to be able to retire at 65, our original goal. We have tried counseling, discussions, and collaborating on budgets. Nothing has worked.
