Help! I’m Terrified of Where My Boyfriend’s Unhinged Ex Will Show Up Next.

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.

Dear Prudence,

My partner and I have been together for four years and haven’t had a vacation together since the pandemic, so we are planning a couple’s ski holiday overseas. He has two children with his ex, and they alternate holidays. We have Thanksgiving this year and are taking the kids to his parents’ place. The problem is that their mother is bitter, hateful, and obsessed with stalking me on social media. I have already set my social media to private, but she makes fake profiles to spy on me. I had a minor plastic surgery that the children didn’t know about, but their mother felt free to throw it in my face during a drop-off. I have already deleted and restarted several different social media pages, but I do love to keep up with friends and family. I love my partner and his kids are great, but a big reason why we haven’t moved our relationship further is that I am very leery about potential conflict with his ex. We don’t live together when the kids come over. I maintain my own home with a roommate. His previous partner left because his ex showed up at her workplace and harassed her. So far the courts and even mandatory therapy hasn’t put a dent in her behavior.

Even if we keep everything under wraps until after we come back, the minute she gets a whiff about our vacation, she is going to turn around and tell the kids how awful daddy and that “woman” are for going, and they didn’t want you there. My partner tells me not to worry, but his ex has pulled similar stunts in the past. We went to an adults-only charity event at the zoo and got photos with several of the animals. Try explaining to a little girl why you got to meet the monkeys and didn’t invite her (and her mom tells her it is because she is unwanted). So what do we do?

—Ski Trip

Dear Ski Trip,

Being in a relationship with your partner is a package deal: Him, his kids, and this woman who is going to stop at nothing to hurt her own children by pitting them against you. I can’t imagine how hard it is to sit on the sidelines helplessly as they’re told that they’re unwanted. It’s heartbreaking and, well, that’s why she’s doing it. Four years is a long time for her to commit to this behavior, so she seems to be in for the long haul and I’m not very hopeful about the possibility of waiting it out. I wish I had a better plan to suggest, but I think as you enter the fifth year of this relationship, and your partner seems concerningly dismissive of stalking and other abusive behavior, you have to ask yourself, “Is it worth it?”

“I have to admit, that’s something I probably would have done back in my day to send a message.”

Jenée Desmond-Harris and Joel Anderson discuss a letter in this week’s Dear Prudence Uncensored—only for Slate Plus members.

Dear Prudence,

I was on an epic vacation and posted pictures on Facebook for 10 days. My friend-with-benefits never “liked” any of my posts or pictures. But he was online liking other women’s posts/pictures during that time. After I asked why, he said he was busy and was going to suggest lunch to review them, but didn’t until I said anything. Am I reading too much into this? Is he sending a message?

—Guessing

Dear Guessing,

I don’t know if he’s sending a message to you, but your letter is definitely sending a message to me. And that message is: This guy is more than a friend with benefits to you! An FWB arrangement is supposed to be an alternative to traditional dating and monogamy and all the jealousy about other partners and relationship progression that can come with those things.
It’s not working out that way here. The evidence is that you were on an epic vacation where you should have been living in the moment and enjoying yourself, worrying about absolutely nothing, and instead you were keeping tabs on how he was interacting with other women. Something has gone wrong! Forget the likes and comments, except to admit that your reaction to them has alerted you to an issue: You like this guy as more than a friend. You don’t feel comfortable with the idea that he might have romantic interest in other women, in addition to you. It puts a little knot in your stomach to think about him connecting with other people. You want to be his favorite. You’re unsure where you stand with him, and you need to know.

So what are you going to do about it? I suggest you use the lunch to tell him how you feel. See if he shares your interest in having a more serious relationship. You’re probably thinking “But I don’t want to scare him off. I want him to think I’m cool and easygoing.” I get it. But keep in mind, you’re already stressing him out over your social media detective work findings. So, if you’re going to have hard conversations with him, they might as well do something to get you closer to what you want, whether that’s with this “friend” or someone else who returns your feelings.

Dear Prudence,

My best friend is having a knee replaced. The spouse and I are providing in-home care after surgery. After the last surgery, we had bad med reactions and numerous 911 calls to scrape them off the floor. The patient refused to return to the hospital. There were delusional ramblings and thinking due to the med reaction. The patient refuses an after-surgery care center or paid, skilled home care, which they can easily afford. The adult child refuses to be involved unless the patient is reasonable. The  spouse tried to stand up to the patient once in the mid-1960’s, but it didn’t go well and hasn’t tried since. The spouse has a heart condition and other medical issues.

We’re all geezers. The spouse agrees we need a written after-care plan. We have a good start via email, but the entire family knows the patient will veto it. The spouse will grumble, complain, and fold. The surgeon hasn’t involved the spouse. The patient has almost no muscle tone and will not do the physical therapy. This is a sure thing. Clearly, these are lifelong issues.

—After Care Nightmare

Dear After Care Nightmare,

Make sure you get a hospital social worker—and any other supportive professionals the medical system has to offer—involved. Decide what you will do to provide care, and what (Refusal to eat? Abuse of medications? A fall?) will trigger you to call 911 or bring the patient back to the emergency room. Ask your friend’s children and other friends to help with specific tasks.
Make sure the patient knows what the plan is. They still might be totally incorrigible after surgery, and if they don’t want to do their exercises or otherwise take care of themselves, that’s on them. It sounds like they are choosing not to do the things—on an interpersonal level or a physical level—that would give them a longer, better quality of life. That is really hard to accept, but you have to know you’re not going to change their personality or the way they interact with the world at this point. Be there. Prepare some food. Find a good movie to watch. Be as upbeat as possible. Don’t argue or negotiate. Remember that this person has a spouse and an adult child and an entire medical team; they aren’t without support and options. Your job is not to fix the family dynamics or the knee, but to show up and be a friend.

Joanne, my BFF and co-worker, and Melanie, a former co-worker, both recently applied for the same exciting, awesome job. When the diligent, talented Melanie left our company, I offered to be a reference for her. Joanne told me how intense the application process was—her parents were divorcing at the same time, so she was frazzled—so I expected a call from the hiring company. It never came. Neither Joanne nor Melanie got the job. Recently Joanne confessed that while in my office one day, she intercepted a call from the hiring company; the rep wanted to talk about Melanie’s employability. Joanne told the rep that Melanie was intelligent but also lazy and entitled. She didn’t think the reference was bad enough to tarnish Melanie’s or my reputation permanently and begged for my forgiveness. Joanne is normally a sweet person, and I don’t think she would have done this if she hadn’t been so stressed. My question is, what do I do now? I don’t want to see Joanne hurt.