Help! I’m Not Going to My Family’s Christmas If My Brother Brings His Awful “Rescue” Dog.
Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Prudence,
I have an annual holiday dilemma involving my brother’s dog. My brother and sister-in-law adopted a rescue dog who had a history of being abused. While I admire that they were willing to take on the dog, she has a history of trauma and can be unpredictable. My brother often brings the dog to my parents’ home for the holidays. The dog doesn’t always react very well to new people and environments, and has behaved aggressively at times. She bit me a few years ago. Then, yesterday, at Thanksgiving, the dog bit my 9-year-old niece twice. She was distraught. They usually keep the dog in one of the guest rooms while people are over, but with all the kids, she inevitably gets let out at some point. I have the youngest child, an 18-month-old, and I am becoming increasingly uncomfortable having her around the dog. Should I tell my brother (and my parents) that I won’t come to holiday celebrations if the dog is present? They can’t board the dog, because she’s aggressive towards other dogs, so I think it will create some drama. However, I’m unwilling to risk my daughter’s safety.
—Terrified Toddler Mom
Dear Terrified,
It’s a wonderful act of kindness to take on an abused rescue dog. Good for your brother and sister-in-law. Think of it this way: You owe your child at least as much loving care as they are providing for their pet. Of course you should tell them you won’t come if an animal with a history of biting children is there. Of course. Yes, it will create some drama, but not as much drama as rushing your kid to the hospital on Christmas while calling animal control to make a report about their fur baby.
Got a question about kids, parenting, or family life? Submit it to Care and Feeding!
Dear Prudence,
My husband and I are in our early 30s and hoping to buy a house and start a family within the next few years, but we’re having trouble figuring out how to fit my brother into our plans. My brother has mental health struggles—primarily anxiety. My mother, who has similar struggles, has never wanted to force him to do anything that makes him anxious. Unfortunately, that has included never requiring him to see a therapist, so he is largely undiagnosed and untreated. He is 30 now, has never finished high school and has never had a job. He still lives with my mother and their relationship is unsettlingly codependent. She cleans up after him and is generally at his beck and call. That has always been their dynamic.
My issue now is that she expects me to take over for her after her death. I’ve always known that his care would be my responsibility eventually and my husband and I have discussed it extensively. Our position is that we will make sure he has a place to live, but if he lives with us he will need to be willing to move to wherever we live, coexist with kids if we have them, and maintain a reasonable level of cleanliness. (Ideally, we would also like him to go to therapy and register for disability.) If he doesn’t want to do that, we will happily help him find somewhere else to live. My mom thinks this is selfish of us. She doesn’t want him uprooted after her death and thinks we should move home to be with him. She also thinks he should have a say in whether or not we have kids. To us those feel like ridiculous asks, but her position is that he is family and as his sister I should prioritize him over our careers and any hypothetical future children.
I’ve attempted to talk with him directly, but he refuses to discuss it and will physically walk away from any conversation he doesn’t want to have. Our mom is in her 70s now, and the need to have a plan in place is feeling increasingly urgent. I worry that her complete unwillingness to put any expectations on him is going to make living with him miserable, and I am scared that her opinions (which she shares with him loudly and often) are going to color him and leave us living with someone who resents us. Am I being selfish here? Is there any hope for making our future living arrangements less of a mess?
—Selfish Sister
Dear Selfish Sister,
Your mom loves her son very much. Also, she is being ridiculous. Your willingness to let your brother—who has anxiety, which is treatable, and not a condition that makes him unable to care for himself—live with you if he meets certain conditions is extraordinarily generous. And … maybe unwise. Simply put, it sounds like he’s going to make you miserable. Think of the way he walks away from conversations that he doesn’t want to engage in? You realize he’s going to do that when you ask him to help with the dishes once a week, right?
You’re buying into the idea that responsibility for your brother will automatically transfer from your mother to you. By not questioning this, you’re being almost as codependent as she is. And you’re letting two people whose decision-making you don’t respect shape your family’s future. What if, instead, your mom’s eventual passing is a moment for your brother to take responsibility for himself? If you jump in and house him and take on the mother role—the role that you think has held him back so much—he is never going to have a reason to do the things you wish he would do.
Tell him (in writing if he refuses a conversation) that you’ve thought it over and because he is not in therapy and has not applied for disability, you’re not comfortable having him live with you. You can include information on all the resources he might need in his journey to independence, from sliding scale counselors to job training programs to support groups to local nonprofits that might help him identify affordable housing. And then stop. Don’t push. Don’t ask for updates. Don’t go back and forth with your mom. Your mantra is “They are both grown-ups. They’re making their choices and I’m making mine.”
I’m not pushing tough love as a full solution to your brother’s problems, I’m not naive, and I know that it’s really hard to survive in this country and you probably won’t be able to live with yourself if he doesn’t have a roof over his head. But he should try—and come to you, adult-to-adult, with a proposal about how living with you will look, if he’s unable to make it work—rather than being handed over like a small child in a custody exchange.
Your mom’s role as his caregiver obviously doesn’t look appealing to you. So taking it on should be an absolute last resort.
Dear Prudence,
My boyfriend and I broke up after five years because he didn’t want to marry and have children. I just received an invitation to his wedding … to a woman who he has known for six months. I want to contact him to ask him to explain why he wouldn’t marry me but is marrying someone who is practically a stranger. Not only did he waste five years of my life, sending the invitation is callous. My friends say I should let it go but I need closure.
—Needing Closure
Dear Needing Closure,
This hurts. I know it does. And I agree that it was really unkind of him to send you an invitation to his wedding, given the circumstances of your breakup. Look, I have no idea what’s going on with this guy. Maybe he met his soul mate and his feelings about marriage changed. Maybe his side of the guest list was looking a little sparse and he had to dig deep into his contacts and invite exes to fill it out. Maybe he’s faking the whole wedding in an effort to create a sense of panic in you that will send you running back to him, offering to accept whatever you need to in order to stay together. It could be anything. But I feel really sure that there’s nothing he could say to you that would truly provide you with closure.
What’s most likely to lead to closure to you is a combination of 1) time, and 2) changing the way you think about the end of your relationship. What if you replaced “We broke up because he didn’t want to marry and have kids and then he made a ridiculous, unfair, unjust and inexplicable decision to marry someone else” with “I made the smart choice to break up with a guy who didn’t want what I wanted—or at least didn’t want it with me—and freed myself up to meet someone who is a better match. It’s going to be great when I’m dating someone who’s on the same page!” Go to those friends who have urged you to let it go and ask them to help you do so by taking your phone and deleting or blocking his phone number and social media accounts. And obviously, RSVP “no.”
