Help! I’m Falling Deeply in Love. But I Can’t Stand to Look At Her Face.

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Prudence,

I am falling in deep love with a woman who I am not physically attracted to. Her mind, humor, and life goals are attractive but physically, we are not well-suited. Looks have not been the most important priority for me but I would be dishonest if I said it did not matter. Sometimes, I find myself looking away from her out of fear that my face will show what I am thinking. I am a clean-cut, and relatively attractive person. I don’t understand what this says about me. Are looks now unimportant? Is a potential relationship with this woman doomed to fail?

—Conflicted Romantic

Dear Conflicted Romantic,

My definition of falling in love does not include hand-wringing about the ways in which a partner falls short, living in fear that your expressions will reveal your true opinion of them, and wondering whether your feelings reflect something negative about you. It sounds like you have found someone who has many qualities you really like, but—maybe because of this woman’s physical appearance or maybe because your emotional connection isn’t actually strong enough to change the way you feel about the way she looks—she is not the one for you. If you feel too guilty to break things off based on the idea that you deserve a better fit, focus on the fact that she does too.

Dear Prudence,

More than a decade ago, my family of six lived in a cramped three-bedroom one-bath house. It was over a century old and had no closets. My husband and I had planned to expand and update the house, but I got pregnant with twins—one with special needs. All the time, money, and energy just drained away, but my family made do. The problem was my 18-year-old niece got kicked out of her home for being gay. She had nowhere to go, so we took her in but had nowhere to put her. We couldn’t cramp another bed in with the twins and having her sleep with our older boys was inappropriate. The living room was not a long-term solution given the lack of privacy and use of the space. We had an odd, long laundry room, but with a private door. We moved out the shelves and set up a camping bed for my niece. It wasn’t ideal but she had her own space and we only entered at predetermined times. She lived with us for four years rent-free until she saved up enough money to find her own place. It wasn’t the greatest of times, but I have always been proud of us all. My husband and I have now managed to add a second bathroom and close off the porch to make a fourth room and a new laundry room.

My niece is engaged and we have met her fiancée a few times. A snowstorm made her stay over a weekend without my niece. I was cooking dinner and talking about all our new home improvements. The fiancée got up abruptly when I mentioned the new laundry room. I pressed her on what was wrong and she exploded on me. She said my family treated my niece like a “dog”, giving her the barest of scraps and expecting her to be grateful. She had to live in the laundry room and had to walk two miles every day rain or shine to work (we only had one working car). I was stunned. My niece made us out to be barely better than her homophobic parents who threw her out. I asked the fiancée what she thought we should have done. The answer: better. She went back to the guest room. The next day, she apologized.

I ended up asking my niece to lunch and asking her if she really thought my husband and I were abusive toward her. Why did her fiancée think so? My niece grew red and told me her fiancée shouldn’t have said anything. I asked if it was true, and she deflected and then defended herself—we put her in the laundry room crying out loud. I asked her what her ideal solution was then: sleeping with the twins, in our bedroom, on the porch, or in a tent in the backyard. Were we cruel to her? Hateful? Homophobic? My niece snapped that she knew she was never a primary priority for me. I told her we kept a roof over her head and food in her belly and never asked a dime from her. I had four young children, one with special needs, and we both worked full-time—maybe a little perspective was needed. She got up, threw a few bills on the table, and left.

Since then, she has not returned my calls but has invited my entire family to the wedding. I haven’t even told my husband about all this. He will be very hurt and very angry over this. My niece has invited her parents as well. They have softened their stance but never admitted doing anything wrong. I am baffled and feel hurt and betrayed. I don’t understand and can’t get why a woman nearing 30 can’t understand we were making do as best we could and loved her so much. I don’t know if I want to attend the wedding. What do I tell people?

—Not the Wicked Aunt

Dear Not the Wicked Aunt,

There’s no need to keep debating the quality of the laundry room bed, the lack of other options, or your intentions. You did what you could and you know you did your best. Despite that, your niece is in a lot of pain over how she was treated when she was a child. She obviously wishes someone in her life had been able to support her emotionally and make her their first priority. That didn’t happen, and it might take her a lifetime to get over it. “Nearing 30” does not automatically lead to healing. While it feels like she’s lashing out at you, I think she’s really just lashing out at a world that didn’t treat her fairly. Planning a wedding has probably reactivated all of her trauma from her homophobic parents.

Don’t get me wrong, nobody would fault you for RSVPing no to someone who won’t pick up the phone when you call. If you want to pass, you have every right to. But I would encourage you to attend for the very reason you invited her into your home and pulled out that camping cot—she’s hurting and desperate for support and you care about her. Even if she’s not in a good enough place to be able to express gratitude right now, something about knowing that one person in her family loves her unconditionally will help her get there.

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Dear Prudence,

I am a queer, BIPOC man in my late 30s. Growing up I dealt with a lot of discrimination, abuse, controlling relationships, and unfulfilling jobs. I kept myself and my life small so I took on retail jobs that I hated and didn’t really explore what I like to do sexually. I hated life and myself, and would spend hours in my room looking at a wall asking myself, “Is this really what my life is supposed to be?” I spent the majority of my mid-20s going to therapy and 12-step programs to deal with the abuse I had been dealt with along with the shame and guilt. I finally got out of some very toxic relationships earlier this year thanks to the help of all the self-work I am doing, and my excitement for life has returned!

Where I felt like before it took a huge effort to even get out of bed, I now really look forward to my day and have been actually enjoying life for the first time ever. I really want to expand and open my life. I have taken on new hobbies that I truly love, and now have some of the most wonderful friends ever. Now I want to find a romantic relationship and a career that I will actually enjoy. The problem is how do I do this now? A lot of people in my life have said that people would not want to date someone that doesn’t have a lot of relationship experience and jobs usually require years of experience that I do not have. How do I not only begin my new life but also not feel shame for being so far behind others in my age group?

—Left Behind

Dear Left Behind,

Let me reframe this for you. You’re not “behind”: You are a success story, an inspiration, and a great catch. You overcame abuse and self-hatred, you have hobbies you love, and you have great friends. This isn’t a generic pep talk. You’re really in a great place. I can’t emphasize enough how impressive—and, unfortunately, rare—that is. I know you can’t flip a switch and suddenly turn shame about what you’ve endured into pride about how you’ve handled it. But at least consider starting to tell yourself (and potential romantic interests) a different story about your life. Some people are naturals at celebrating themselves. In your situation, they would be getting a tattoo of a phoenix rising from the ashes and sharing it in a big social media post applauding their own strength and announcing plans to be even more impressive in 2024, while cutting off any unsupportive friends and family members. That’s not your style, and I’m not saying it should be. But could you do something like write down a list of everything you’ve done to take care of yourself, all the things in your life that make you proud, the qualities that allowed you to create this new reality, and how those qualities will help you moving forward? Then take it out and read it when you start to feel yourself focusing on being “behind” rather than being resilient and courageous.

When it comes to your job, remember that plenty of people decide to switch careers in their 30s. You won’t be the only one your age who is new in whatever field you choose. Some of the people you believe have their professional act together are going to try something new and start from scratch 10 years from now. Plus, with so many remote roles available now, it’s likely that you won’t have to be in an office space where your physical proximity to others reminds you that you have a few years on the other interns.

And in your search for a relationship, believe me, “I don’t want to date this person because they don’t have much experience” really isn’t a thing. Do you know what is a thing? “I swiped on this really fun guy with cool hobbies and great friends and he has no major baggage related to exes and, wait for it … he’s in therapy!” Almost everything you think is negative about yourself is what you bring to the table. Don’t be the last one to realize it.

I have TSA PreCheck through my job. When my wife and I travel together, is it rude for me to use the PreCheck line? She thinks I should go through the standard security line with her. I think it makes more sense for me to use the PreCheck line.