Help! My Longtime Friend Thinks She’s Earned Maid of Honor Status. Absolutely Not.

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Prudence,

I’ve realized I have next to nothing in common with my friend of nearly a decade anymore. I don’t dislike her, but we have no shared interests aside from the most shallow things (gourmet pizza, fun cocktails, manicures). However, she has also been consistently hinting that “though there’s competition,” she hopes to be made my maid of honor when I marry my partner. I’ve been laughing this off with a “haha we’ll see” for a while since I wasn’t engaged and saw no good way to crush her hopes that early. Well, my partner proposed over the holidays! While this is very exciting and joyful for us, I know it’s finally going to come to a head.

I need to tell her that she’s not going to be a bridesmaid, let alone a maid of honor. I don’t want her in my bridal party. She considers me “like a sister” to her, and has projected an idea of me and my interests onto, well, the real me who doesn’t care about and frankly, kind of disdains these things. She made me her maid of honor a few years ago, much to my surprise—and I should have said no then, but I didn’t in hopes that it would deepen the friendship. Instead of learning things that I hoped would make me like her more, I ended up stuck through some self-centered behavior that ended up really hurting me and learning about behaviors of hers that I actively disliked (temper tantrums with stomped feet at staff that didn’t deserve it while her other bridesmaids and I tried to do damage control, for example). Since her wedding, I’ve been taking a break from the friendship and trying to create distance, which has kind of worked. I know this will hurt her. But how do I tell her?

—Wincing in Wisconsin

Dear Wincing,

Unpopular opinion: The decision about who is maid of honor should be based not on who you’re closest to, but on who is best suited to perform and enjoy maid of honor duties. Let me make the case for choosing your old friend, or at least making her a bridesmaid: Her strong desire to fill the role might mean she’s exactly the person you need to do a months-long volunteer gig that will include many hours of project management and many occasions that call for mandatory celebratory vibes. Even her shared interests with you make her a good fit. Pizza, fun cocktails, and manicures are exactly the kinds of things someone who is planning a bachelorette party and a bridal shower and hanging out with you while you get ready to walk down the aisle should have a passion for. Just consider it!

But seriously, if you really don’t want her around—and it sounds like you don’t, because of the way she makes you feel, which trumps all the other stuff I mentioned—you’re going to have to be brave and spell it out for her. And you’ll have to let go of the idea there’s any way you can do this without being the bad guy in her eyes, or without very likely ending the friendship. Here’s a script: “There’s something difficult I need to talk to you about. I know you’ve mentioned a few times that you hope to be in my bridal party, but I ended up selecting four people who I feel closer to right now. There are also some things you did around your wedding that hurt me and made me not want to put you in this role. I really do appreciate how enthusiastic you are and your willingness to be there for me and I hope you can understand my decision.”

The good news is that after this, unless she’s inspired to ask for feedback and be a better friend to you, your work of “creating distance” will likely be done.

Sometimes even Prudence needs a little help. This week’s tricky situation is below. Submit your comments about how to approach the situation here to Jenée, and then look back for the final answer here on Friday.

Dear Prudence,

I’ve always been anxious, high-strung, and intense with major people-pleasing tendencies. I’ve been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and have been told—by a host of doctors—that I’m on the high-functioning end of the spectrum, but not enough to benefit from medical intervention. Despite all this and a decade of therapy and medication, I still feel like I’m barely functional sometimes. I have almost zero patience on a good day and the slightest deviation from routine can utterly derail me. Add to the chaos my 3-year-old twins, and I’m a train wreck.

I could use some advice on patience, deep breathing, or anything else that could be useful when I’m about to blow my stack (which with toddlers seems to happen a lot). I’m in the process of finding a new therapist, and I love my twins more than life and would never do more than raise my voice but they drive me to the absolute edge sometimes. My spouse helps temper them a bit but they’re deployed usually three to five months of the year and my parents are both older, each with their own respective long-term cancer battle so outside help is limited. Is it yoga, deep breathing, or alcohol?

—Help in Harrisburg

Dear Help in Harrisburg,

Well, I definitely don’t think the solution is alcohol—if only because waking up hungover to deal with 3-year-old twin chaos sounds like enough to plunge anyone into despair. I want to say up front that I don’t have a great solution for you. No lightbulb went off in my head when I read your letter. But that’s because your situation is undeniably really, really, really hard. Parenting two toddlers! Alone for months on end! With a combination of mental health challenges! And no additional help or stable therapist! Part of what you need to do is to honor how impossible most people would find what you deal with every day.

Here’s an idea: Tinker with your Instagram and TikTok algorithms. Society has a bad reputation for inspiring jealousy and feelings of inadequacy by making other people’s lives look perfect. But there’s also plenty of self-deprecating and honest content. Click around until you find some moms to follow. Not the ones who are making dye-free fruit snacks and insisting that a roll of painter’s tape is a satisfactory replacement for screen time. Look for moms of multiples, moms with deployed spouses, neurodiverse moms, or moms with depression talking about their struggles. You want the ones who are really honest and can laugh at themselves. Maybe even the ones who sometimes look at the camera and cry a little bit. “Misery loves company” has its place! Remember that you’re not alone. Like many women around the world, you feel like you’re barely holding it together. But despite having many challenges stacked on top of each other, you’re making it. If the worst you’re doing is raising your voice, you’re doing an amazing job.

The best concrete advice I have for you is to try to push yourself to make one or two tiny decisions every day that feel healthier and more ambitious than you think you’re capable of. Leave a voicemail for a new therapist. Fight the kids into their coats and get outside for as long as possible. Tell someone who asks how you’re doing, “Honestly, not that well.” Overshare a little. Mentally scroll through the list of people who said they’d be available to help you when you had the babies and text two of them that you could use some help—even if that help is just talking to the twins on FaceTime while you sit and stare at a wall. Meditate for two minutes after you’ve completed bedtime. You asked about deep breathing and yoga. Sure, yes, do those things too! Deep breathing is always great and is probably going to be part of what your therapist suggests to you when you finally find a good one. But start with the tiniest amount of time possible because anything else might be overwhelming. Gather the kids’ old clothes and donate them to an organization that helps families who are doing much worse. Type a post in a Facebook group for single parents (because that’s what you are a lot of the time) of multiples asking members to reassure you that it will one day get better. Add your location and ask if anyone would want to hang out. Apologize after you yell.

Start counting down to things you can look forward to, or just the moments when you might get some relief: when your spouse comes home, the kids start kindergarten, or even that moment you get to lie in bed at night and watch something mindless on TV (or scroll through pictures of the twins, which is what you’ll probably do). Imagine yourself 10 years from now, on the other side of this really tough time, giving a pep talk that explains to a woman who’s in your position how you made it. And if anyone tells you to enjoy every moment because it goes by so fast, feel free to tell them to go to hell.

Submit your questions anonymously here. (Questions may be edited for publication.) 

Dear Prudence,

My friend of 50 years and I now email because we live far apart. But I’m realizing, through our last conflict, that she may be a bit sociopathic. I commented on a photo of hers that she looked sad and she blew up at me. She told me I was cutting/biting, she couldn’t change her face for me, and that I always do this. I have tried to remember a time I have ever said anything negative about her face. But I’m stunned—I have always thought she was pretty. Then she said that I had told her many times that she “ate well” and that I meant she was “chunky” when I said that. Again, I tried to remember ever feeling even remotely that way toward her and came up with nothing. I have said, “You eat well” to people who eat healthier than I do as a compliment because my diet isn’t the best. I tried to defend myself and told her she was judgmental, but she claimed I was making it all about me. So I decided to apologize because what else could I do? Then she said she doesn’t believe in apologies. She called me a wrecker, a downer, and petty and said, “No more photos for you!” but claimed she was not mad at me.

I began to feel a bit crazy and told her I was done with her. She talked me into coming back, so I tried and told her I needed her to be less harsh and she replied that it’s not in her nature, and she didn’t think she could. I told her I felt humiliated and hurt. Then she on and on about how she is a superior communicator but that she would try. She apologized that her communication style wasn’t good for me. (Not that she hurt me.) Then the clincher: She said, “I have NO regrets” in this. As I write this I realize I need to end this, but I’m also sad it came to this.

—Am I Crazy?

Dear Am I,

We don’t need to diagnose your friend as a sociopath. She’s being mean to you and hurting you. Period.

But 50 years. Wow. This tells me you’ve been in each other’s lives for a long, long time and that she may be dealing with some of the struggles that come with getting older. Perhaps not any official cognitive decline or anything diagnosable, but maybe some medications have side effects, or even just loneliness and isolation. If you feel you have it in you, and if you’re able, I wonder if you could check in on her in person or on the phone. Something other than email. “I miss you. How have you been?” could go a long way. I mean of course it could also lead to, “How dare you ask me that, you asshole!” but either way, a real person-to-person exchange in real-time will give you a better sense of whether it’s time to let her go.

Dear Prudence,

My male co-worker took the minutes at a recent team meeting. He asked if we wanted them emailed out or simply saved to the team site. Despite everyone saying it could just go to the team page, he announced that he would send it around—just for ME. He called me scatterbrained and told everyone (including our manager and the rest of the team) that I’d miss the deadlines if the notes weren’t emailed out.

I’m insulted both professionally and personally. Professionally, because my task for the upcoming deadline was to create all the marketing info for the event, which I completed while sitting in the meeting. I attended the meeting after doing 90 percent of the work on another project we share. Personally, because in addition to being my cubicle mate, he’s a family friend—my kids consider him to be an uncle. He was fully aware that before the meeting, my husband had been sick for days, leaving me to do all the parenting of two toddlers solo.

How do I address this? I got sick the next day and have not seen him to discuss it. He’s texted me to apologize for the “riff” he somehow caused, and has asked his wife (one of my best friends) to apologize on his behalf. I have no desire to talk to him anytime soon.

—Too Tired for This Shit

Dear Too Tired,

“Sorry for the riff I somehow caused,” is not the same as “Sorry I publicly insulted and embarrassed you for no reason. It was mean-spirited and wrong. I’ve thought about why I did it and I’m committed to making sure I never do anything like that again. I hope I can regain your trust as a friend at some point.”

Maybe you can write back to his underwhelming text to say, “Thanks for the apology but it feels inadequate. I was really hurt by what you said and I’m not convinced that you understand why it was wrong or feel remorseful.” That might give him an opening to say something that will put your mind at ease. And you know what? I don’t think it would be too much to expect him to say something at the next team meeting, like, “I want to quickly apologize for insulting Too Tired for This Shit during our last meeting. What I said wasn’t true and it was unprofessional of me.”

I suggest that because it’s what he should want to do as your friend. If he doesn’t, you have good reason to pull back from your personal friendship. But the truth is, when it comes to the workplace part of this, I’m not worried about the impact of his statement on you. You’re judged by what you actually produce, not by random remarks by people who aren’t your boss. Rest assured that he’s the one who looks bad here.

Dear Prudence,

I work as a nighttime nanny for a pair of doctors. The pay is well worth it, even though my sleep schedule is murdered. Because the baby is getting older, my employment will end soon. I was planning on taking three months to travel and take a breather.

But at our early Christmas, my sister-in-law, who is six months pregnant, ambushed me and basically demanded that I stay with her and my brother to “help out” with the baby at the generous offer of room and board. This is their IVF miracle baby and it has been a saga. Everyone, and I do mean, everyone ganged up on me about what a wonderful idea it was and how it would be the perfect Christmas gift. I felt like I didn’t even get a chance to say no.

Now I am at home and stewing in resentment. My degree is in early childhood development but my sister-in-law has always been entirely dismissive of it because she believes that only people who biologically give birth have any “real” idea about parenthood (so teachers and adoptive parents don’t count). If I back out, my sister-in-law will milk it for all its work, especially if her pregnancy ends badly. The last time she was pregnant, she miscarried and blamed the buyers of their old house who required that repairs be made. It was in the contract, but she was just so stressed out! My brother allows her to bulldoze her way through the world. How do I get out of this other than faking COVID?

—Not the Nanny

Dear Not the Nanny,

This is really one of those “No is a full sentence” situations. You have to know, and everyone in your family has to know, that it is an absurd request to ask you to work for free (room and board doesn’t count!) and that your sister-in-law would be out of her mind to blame you for any pregnancy complications. Text her: “I was a little caught off guard by your asking me to move in and take care of the baby, and I’m not sure if I made myself clear at the time but that’s not going to be something I can do.” If you really want to be nice you can add, “I’d be happy to ask around and see if any of my nanny friends if they’re available.” But on second thought, don’t do that because I don’t want you to feel responsible for someone being treated horribly by her.

I’m sure there’s some sort of history that makes it seem less than 100 percent outrageous to you that your family is putting this kind of pressure on you and is so dismissive of your preferences. Whatever it may be is messed up. I can’t promise that it will be easy but this situation is an opportunity to start training everyone to understand that you’re an adult who makes your own decisions and can’t be bullied. If that means a little space from family gatherings where everyone gangs up on you, so be it. Can I suggest that your next gig should possibly be a state or two away?

I have a close friend who’s more like a sister to me. She is an animal person and works at a veterinary clinic. She and her husband had two dogs, each bringing one into the relationship. In fall of 2019, they fostered a puppy that they ended up keeping. The problem is that this puppy, from the very beginning, has been aggressive toward the other dogs (multiple ER vet trips) and toward my friend.