Help! My In-Laws Always Use My Kids to Get Back at My Husband.

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Prudence,

My in-laws are using my children as a platform to make passive-aggressive digs at my husband. When I was pregnant with my first child and we found out it was a boy, my mother-in-law commented, “That’s too bad, you won’t be able to have as close a relationship with him as you would a girl.” I was taken aback and didn’t respond at the time, and over the past two years both she and my father-in-law have made comments about how I need to enjoy the toddler years because “When he’s a teen he won’t love you anymore.” I usually respond along the lines of, ” I’m sure we’ll be fine, I understand teens like and need their space.” Now I am pregnant with our second, and it’s a girl. Their comments have now ramped up to, “We’re glad it’s a girl—girls are loyal. She’ll always love you! “

These comments obviously bother me. First of all, don’t assume you know the course of someone’s future relationships based on what’s in their pants. Secondly, I had an abusive mother, and having cut ties with her I’m obviously not “loyal” and for good reason. But thirdly, these are all very clearly digs at my husband (an only child) not being the son they wished for. He is a good husband and sets clear boundaries for them and sticks to them when they push. He calls them often and video chats, and tries to share things he’s excited about with them, to which they rarely respond to anything beyond indifference. They don’t call or reach out to him unless it’s a family emergency. The distance they complain of and allude to seems to be entirely their own making, based on some slight that occurred when he was a teen. They never make these gendered comments around him either, so he doesn’t have a chance to defend me or him. He is aware of the comments as I’ve told him about it, and struggles with guilt that he isn’t the son they wanted, something we talk about often and he has been in therapy for.

Their relationship is ultimately up to them to deal with, but in the meantime, those comments hurt me as well, and I want to set a clear boundary myself. I am due very soon and I know when our girl arrives there will be another slew of comments from them, and I am trying to construct a polite but firm answer to have ready. So far I have, “Please stop commenting on my future relationship with my children based solely on gender. You seem to be projecting your disappointments with (my husband) on me and my children, which I do not appreciate. I would suggest you talk to a professional about it instead, as it clearly still bothers you.” What do you think? Too harsh? Not firm enough? I’m not trying to be rude, but if they don’t stop it, I might snap and say something truly horrible, and my husband will pay the price for my anger, which I won’t let happen.

—Boomer Wrangling

Dear Boomer Wrangling,

You’re not being rude or too harsh. It sounds like you made a conscious decision at some point in the past to ignore these digs to keep the peace. But you’re not at peace, and neither is your husband. You’ve had enough, and you should tell them.

I think your scripts here are fine. But I’ve found that “The Big Statement” can be an unwieldy way to handle these kinds of things. You might stress about whether you’re following the script, making eye contact, and hitting the relevant points. I wouldn’t dignify their behavior by presenting your sophisticated, thoughtful, and likely correct hypothesis about their weird gender hangups. Just tell them to knock it off.

I’m guessing that somewhere inside you, there’s always been a little voice that says, “Oh my God. What a terrible thing to say!” when you hear these comments. As a good daughter-in-law, you likely have suppressed the urge to say that out loud. Stop suppressing it. Allow yourself to snap back. Tell them directly that their comments are unwelcome, and that if they keep making them, you’ll end the conversation. Then, if they try it again, follow through. You definitely want to practice holding these boundaries now, before you have a second child, and before they’re inviting themselves over to share these jabs with your kids.

And if your husband is reading this response, maybe he should cut back on those video chats with the people who insult him behind his back, and treat him dismissively to his face. As adult children, we can sometimes think that a parent who undermines is just one…or two…or 10 phone calls, birthday presents, or patient responses to bullshit away from really appreciating us and telling us we’re good enough. They’re not. Get off that emotional hamster wheel, for the sake of your marriage, your children, and yourselves. You’re both spending a lot of energy making it OK for his parents to treat him badly, and you deserve a break.

Dear Prudence,

Twenty years ago I was in a relationship with Mark, but it ended when he moved away. Mark married someone else but we kept in touch (emails, Christmas cards, etc). Every year when Mark visited his family back home we got together to have lunch and chat. About eight years ago, he visited for the funeral of his mother and one thing led to another and we kissed, and he admitted he’d never gotten over me and I was the love of his life. I told him I felt the same. We didn’t take it any further and he flew back home, apologized later over email, and said he couldn’t abandon his wife.

This year, I heard that Mark came to visit his family for the holidays for the first time in four years but he didn’t ask to meet with me. Even though we have not talked much lately, I felt hurt. I sent him an email asking him why he didn’t want to see me. He replied by saying that he is married and we can’t act like we did when we were younger and that he loves his wife. I feel I’ve been discarded for no good reason. What’s worse, Mark and his wife are celebrating their 15th wedding anniversary in a couple of months and their Facebook pages are full of updates on their plans for their second honeymoon. Deep down I always dreamt he’d leave his wife and get together with me, and now I feel like a fool. I don’t know how to get over this heartbreak. How do I move past this?

—Broken Hearted

Dear Broken Hearted,

The first step in moving past this is easy. Stop trolling him so closely on Facebook that you know what his anniversary plans are months in advance. The second step is tougher: Be honest with yourself. In your letter, the distance between “I don’t know why my ex won’t talk to me” to “I’ve dreamt my ex would leave his wife for me” is about three sentences. You know exactly why he won’t see you, it IS a good reason, and he explained it pretty clearly.

The only interruption of “just friendly ex” status was a stolen kiss after his mother’s funeral eight years ago. Profound grief can take people into some dark places, and into moments of road-not-traveled regrets. But most of those musings fade away as the deepest part of your grief lifts. You don’t know if he really meant his declaration of love, and maybe he doesn’t know either. Regardless, it wasn’t something to hang your future on, then or now.

I’m very sad for you, not that Mark won’t end his marriage for you, but that you’d want him to. Whoever Mark was in your relationship, he’s just not that guy anymore. You’re not that woman either, but maybe that’s at the heart of this problem. Why are you in the same place—emotionally and physically—where Mark left you decades ago? Besides being attached and/or married, who do you think you would’ve been had Mark stayed with you, and what is it that you like so much about that imagined life?

Try taking some small steps to building that life on your own. Block Mark on Facebook, and replace your habit of looking at his page with something else: taking a short walk, reading a short story or a poem, or calling someone who has been a part of your real life—not just your fantasy life—over the last 20 years to catch up. Whatever fabulous places you imagined you’d go with Mark, make plans to go to one or two of them on your own. Start filling your days with activities that have nothing to do with him, and people who don’t know him. This is going to take a while before it gets better. But you’ve devoted 20 years to your dreamworld with Mark. Prepare to put in some serious time and effort into creating your life without him.

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Dear Prudence,

I have been estranged from my parents in varying degrees for about 11 years, with the most total estrangement occurring three years ago. I have good reasons for this I won’t belabor. A couple of years ago, I told my mother we could consider having a relationship if she set up counseling sessions for us. She hasn’t done this and doesn’t seem like she’s planning to. My dad has never made any effort to actually address the rift between us, and instead has just accepted it and dropped his end of the rope entirely.

My question has to do with how to manage their increasing age and ill health. Recently, I heard through the grapevine that my mom may have a serious illness, and my dad tried to die a couple of years ago by refusing to treat a very treatable medical issue until it almost killed him (my sibling succeeded in getting him treatment by physically forcing him to go). As I said above, my parents and I are estranged for good reasons, and unfortunately, it looks like that’s the way it will stay, because they don’t want to make the effort to fix things.

But I’m not a monster. I take no satisfaction in thinking of them alone in a nursing home or hospital somewhere. These are my parents and I have some good memories of them. Despite how much it hurts me, I do care about them and I don’t want them to suffer or die. How do I deal with this part of life, where health scares will happen more often and they’ll need more care, without sacrificing myself and pretending like we haven’t been estranged for a third of my life? How do I maintain boundaries without forcing my siblings to pick up the slack? My siblings don’t have good relationships with them, but they are still in contact. I’ve spoken with my therapist extensively about this, but she doesn’t give much direct advice, and I really need someone to tell me what to do. The thought of them suffering alone feels like a punch in the gut, even though I understand they’re alone for a reason.

—Seems Like It’ll Feel Bad Regardless

Dear Bad Regardless,

This is a terrible situation for you, and I’m sorry that your relationship with your parents has brought you here. Unfortunately, I don’t disagree with your assessment that “it’ll feel bad regardless.” Sometimes our choices are between one bad feeling, and a different bad feeling. What I’m getting from your letter is that—as much as it pains you—the bad feeling of not seeing your difficult, ailing parents is getting too hard to bear.

I say that because you keep defending yourself from accusations of being a heartless child. But it doesn’t sound like anyone is calling you selfish, a monster, or a slacker, except you. Plus, there’s not really a crisis here hat would require you to drop boundaries that you’ve spent years defending to rush to their respective bedsides. Your dad’s refusal of treatment happened years ago, and your mom’s serious illness is still a maybe. It’s almost as if you’re wanting someone—your siblings, your therapist, or even your parents themselves—to demand that you visit your folks.

It’s OK to want to see your parents, even if you’ve been estranged. I’d encourage you to arrange for that, if only to give yourself some peace. But I’d also suggest that you keep in mind that age and infirmity are unlikely to have transformed them into people who will value or validate you, or who will apologize for not taking steps to address the “good reasons” for your estrangement. And keep in mind your visits are not going to magically save them from suffering, or from feeling alone, and definitely not from dying. The only way these visits will be emotionally safe for you is to drop your expectations all the way to the ground.

So visit, but make them few, and make them short. Beyond that, there are other ways to help with their care. Find a way to support your siblings in taking care of your folks. That can be sending money directly, or stepping in to take other non-parent-contact responsibilities off their shoulders: Become your parents’ medical concierge, make sure that their homes are modified to be accessible as they age, or set up long-term care options for them.

I met my girlfriend on Reddit last year at the start of the pandemic. We quickly started texting every day, which then proceeded to voice and video chats, and after a few months we decided to start a relationship with each other. The problem is that she lives in St. Petersburg and I live in Texas. She also happens to be very attractive, and when I first told my friends about her, they immediately went in on “Russian mail-order bride” jokes.