Help! I Keep Finding My Husband’s Ex’s Dirty Underwear in My Stepson’s Laundry. I Know What She’s Up To.

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.

Dear Prudence,

My husband and I own our house while his ex lives in an apartment complex. My 8-year-old stepson spends half his time with us so his laundry adds up pretty quickly (we have our own washer and dryer while his mom uses a laundromat). His mom has always found it difficult to accept my presence, despite the fact I have been in my stepson’s life since he was a toddler. They broke up before the baby was even born, but his ex tried to win my husband back several times through increasingly desperate means (she has shown up drunk at my mother-in-law’s place screaming and crying that they were meant to be together). She seemed to calm down after our wedding two years ago, but we recently announced our pregnancy.

Now, her dirty underwear is making its way into the laundry my stepson brings home. The first time, I figured it was a mistake and tossed the thong into the trash, but by the fourth time, the pattern was clear. It is just so bizarre. I haven’t mentioned it to my husband and just keep throwing the items away. What should I do here? I mean, eventually, she is going to run out of underwear, but I worry she will start to escalate to get a reaction here. She has done so in the past and I really don’t want to deal with this during my pregnancy.

—Dirty Laundry

Dear Dirty Laundry,

Well, this is wild. I’m sorry you’re dealing with it while you’re pregnant. But the bad news is that you do have to deal with it.

My initial reaction was that you’re doing the right thing by depriving her of the attention she clearly wants. However, sending underwear (with a child’s clothes, which adds a level of weirdness) is just disturbing enough that “create a record in case this needs to be introduced into evidence in some kind of legal situation” alarm bells are going off for me. Tell your husband because you shouldn’t have to manage this alone. And come up with a plan to document each dirty thong incident in as low-drama a way as possible. For example, snap a picture and send a text that says, “Another pair of your underwear made its way into Max’s stuff. We’ll put it in a ziplock and place it in the outer pocket of his suitcase when we send him back to your house.” Then wash your hands thoroughly and try not to let this troubled woman’s behavior bother you in the way she obviously wants it to.

Dear Prudence,

Am I wrong to expect support from pregnant and new-mom friends? A few years ago, I received a series of devastating blows: a complex health diagnosis that meant I would likely not be able to have children, plus I had to move in with my aging mother to become her caretaker. My friends have been sympathetic, but that was about it. No offers to drive me to appointments, no extra calls or hangouts to check in or take my mind off matters. I think they just didn’t know what to say or how to act around me and I fell off the radar as they were consumed with their own busy lives. I empathize. Still, it was a lonely experience.

Fast forward, now these friends are pregnant or new moms. It feels unfair to be celebrating their upward life momentum when I have been robbed of so much. I’m being invited to showers and kids’ birthday parties and while I’m happy for them, I can’t get over a sense of injustice; that my pain was never adequately acknowledged, yet I’m expected to show up to their events and shower them with gifts. I know they are entering new life stages that are incredibly difficult, time-consuming, and stressful. I, too, am in a new life stage. But I can’t help but see their phase as one that still has so much happiness and societal celebration…while mine is anything but. I don’t know how to express myself on this issue without it seeming like I’m centering someone else’s joy around my own issues. How do I get over this? Is it on me to do so?

—Pity Party for One

Dear Pity Party,

If you really do want to get over this, you might look at it a bit differently. This issue is bigger than you and your friends. Our society has predictable events and traditions around things like new babies and birthdays, and well-known expectations about showing up with a gift and being festive. Those familiar scripts don’t exist as much when it comes to relating to a friend who is going through a challenging time. Sure, there are “Thinking of you” cards, but there aren’t any big events everyone has come to expect that give your community a chance to rally around you.

So it’s not as if your friends are saying, “I think Pity Party For One owes me some support” when they add you to the invitation list. They’re just … doing what you do. Having a shower. Throwing a party for a kid turning 4. Inviting people they know. The tragedy is not that they are asking you to celebrate with them, it’s that we don’t have “Just Got a Complex Health Diagnosis” registries or “You Had to Move In With Your Mom But It Will Be OK” gatherings. As a result of that, you weren’t surrounded by thoughtfulness when you really needed it (arguably more than they need it right now!). Sure, when someone is sick, caring, sensitive people who have the time and energy might put together a meal train and others might offer rides. But unfortunately, when you need support in a way that may not be completely obvious from the outside, sometimes you have to ask. It’s possible your friends were in the dark about how rough things were for you or what specifically you needed, beyond sympathy, back then.

One more thing to think about: I’m sure that in the past few years, many of them have also had tough times—mental health issues, breakups, illness, unemployment, etc. Before you are too hard on them for not being there for you when you were struggling, look back and make sure you were providing concrete support to them in their times of need. And if you weren’t because you weren’t sure just how bad it was, didn’t want to bother them, or were just caught up in your own daily life, maybe you’ll conclude that they did fall short, but in a relatable way.

If after thinking considering all of this, you don’t want to or can’t get over your friends’ disappointing behavior, that’s also OK. Going through a hard time can do a lot to clarify whether your relationships are what you want them to be. And sensitive, organized, thoughtful people who would have sprinted to be by your side when you received your diagnosis and asked what would take your mind off things when you moved in with your mom do exist. There is nothing wrong with deciding that the kinds of friends you want are the people who prioritize showing up and offering practical help, even when life gets busy and they have their own stuff going on. In any case, it’s totally OK to RSVP “no” to the upcoming events while you continue to think about whether these friendships are still valuable to you or need to be phased out and replaced by relationships with people who are more committed to showing up.

Submit your questions anonymously here. (Questions may be edited for publication.) And for questions on parenting, kids, or family life, try Care and Feeding!

Dear Prudence,

I don’t know if my sister-in-law lives for drama or just wants to self-sabotage herself once she gets to a certain level of success. She is a smart cookie who can’t seem to help herself from getting involved with the wrong men. In college, she chased after her married professor and actually had to leave the program over her inappropriate behavior. She cheated with her cousin’s boyfriend (that was a fun family reunion) and then got involved with a family friend who was going through a divorce. Her latest stunt was having an affair with the husband of her boss and getting fired.

Her reputation is so extensive that a lot of people will not hire her in our community. I run a small business. My in-laws have been asking me to take on my sister-in-law part-time. I do need the help but don’t need the drama. So far I have lied and said I was fully staffed but the truth is going to come out when I hire someone else. My husband thinks his sister deserves a second chance—but it is more like her seventh at this point. How do I navigate this?

—No Drama

Dear No Drama,

I don’t understand why your sister-in-law’s questionable romantic choices would represent a threat to your small business. She still has to earn a living! It’s not as if she has a history of stealing petty cash. I guess you’re worried that she’ll have a workplace relationship and then it will explode and create a distraction? If that’s the case, make sure your employee handbook is up to date and you have a clear policy against dating colleagues. And then tell your husband that you can hire her if he clarifies the rules to her before she starts and assures you that he’ll personally let her go if she breaks them.

Dear Prudence,

At my (37F) last job, there was a woman on my team who was close to my age and we got along well. We went out to happy hours with our team, would grab lunch with other co-workers occasionally, and generally had a nice office friendship. Toward the end of my time at that office, she clearly wanted us to develop more of an out-of-office friendship and would invite me to dinner or drinks, just the two of us. Unfortunately, I found that I didn’t really enjoy her company one-on-one. She found an opportunity to complain about every topic that came up. “Oh, you went to Mexico? God, did I tell you about the time I got so sick in Puerto Vallarta?” “You’ve started meditating? I can’t sit that long, have I told you my lumbar thing is acting up again?” “You’re doing a home improvement project? I wish I could do something like that but my husband won’t lift a finger to help.” I tried to be empathetic and give her the benefit of the doubt for a couple of months, but her knack of turning even the best news or most benign comment into a 20-minute venting session became exhausting and I always left our interactions feeling drained.

So when I got a new job last year, I started a slow fade. We were never close friends and only hung out a handful of times outside of work, so it felt appropriate to just let things fizzle. She would text, and I would say I’m really slammed, maybe we can try to meet up when things are less hectic. After a couple of these interactions, she recently texted me, “Hey what gives, you don’t want to be friends anymore or something? Lol.” I didn’t know what to say. I tried to think of every version of, “You’re a nice person but I just don’t want to spend time with you” that I could, but everything seemed so harsh. Another issue is that she still works at my old company with many people who are friends and/or important professional connections of mine. She is actually an important professional connection too, and could easily be asked for her opinion of me by future clients, employers, etc.

I responded, “Haha, I know I wish I had more time for fun these days.” Not directly addressing her text, but not quite a lie. Then she responded, “So when can we get a drink? Even if it’s a month or two out, let’s just get it on the calendar!” I haven’t responded. What should I do? Is there any way to say I just don’t want to hang out with you anymore without it blowing up in my face? Should I see her once a quarter and just reframe it in my mind as a networking lunch?

—All Vented Out

Dear All Vented Out,

This situation seemed really, really tough until the last line of your letter, where you offered the perfect solution. I love the idea of reframing your hangouts with her as quarterly networking lunches. Try going into these meetups with an agenda that anchors the conversation, leaves minimal time for complaining, and also sends a message that your friendship is still mostly a professional one. Ask for help looking over a resume, advice on your midyear review, or something along those lines.

Or you can come up with a mutual interest to discuss, like unpacking the latest developments on a reality show you both like—and tell her in advance that you can’t wait to hear her thoughts. Now of course, her thoughts might be, “Ugh, I hated this season, nobody is serious about love. They all just want to be influencers.” (She’s right, but that’s neither here nor there…) After all, people who love complaining will complain about anything. If you sense a 20-minute vent coming up, take a deep breath, sip from your drink, and work on your impression of a therapist, reminding yourself that you won’t have to do it again for another three months.

My ex and I used IVF to have our son (she had ovarian cancer). We had multiple embryos made, but our marriage dissolved a year after our son was born. The embryos are currently on ice, and legally we both have to consent to their use. I pay for the storage. It was too painful a topic to talk about during the divorce, and neither one of us wanted to speak about the potential children we could have had. Our son is 6 now. We have equal custody and a civil relationship, at least until my ex’s sister lost her husband in a car accident last year. It was an unbelievable tragedy, and the sister was injured so badly she had to have a hysterectomy. I would have done anything to help, but the sister is now fixated on our embryos as her only solution to have a child.