Help! I Just Wanted to Help a Friend With His Wedding. Now His Bride Is Threatening to Sue.

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.

Dear Prudence,

I work part time for a baker. We do all kinds of events and deliveries. I made the mistake of offering to cover a friend’s courthouse wedding at cost. My boss has let me use her kitchen for personal reasons before. It was supposed to be for two dozen fancy cupcakes. Because of the bridezilla, that has ballooned to over a hundred and their own custom cake. I told my friend that it wouldn’t be physically possible for me to do it myself, let alone financially. The bride then threatened to sue me and said I owed them to cover the costs of using a real caterer. My friend didn’t do anything to defend me, so I ended up bowing out of the wedding all together. The entire experience soured me on trying to do anything like this again. A lot of friends and family scold me for not even “trying” to compromise and thought I still owed my friend our original agreement.

Now a relative I am close to is getting married and asked if I would reconsider my stance. I would expect the first bridezilla is currently in the wedding party. I have been avoiding her and my former friend as much as possible and not putting myself in a position where I have to listen to their bitching. I don’t want to start a drama here, but I feel an alternative is to lie to my relatives. Thoughts?

—Bake Off

Dear Bake Off,

You just need one good sentence. Take your pick:

· “I’m so sorry but I’m not available.”

· “I’m no longer doing weddings.”

· “Given the legal threats Previous Bride made against me and the fact that she’s at your wedding party, I’m not comfortable having anything to do with the event.”

· “Unfortunately I can’t use my boss’ kitchen that week.”

Dear Prudence,

I have worked for my organization for almost 20 years in different roles. I recently started as a supervisor to a team I have never worked with before. I have found the team, including my boss, a bit cliquey. I am not invited to some group lunches, and I have seen some shared eye rolls in meetings when I speak. Last week, my boss informed me that some of my team had written a joint letter of complaint about me. The letter is absolutely brutal, but it doesn’t include any behavior that is inappropriate, rude or bullying. It’s clear they just find me really annoying. For example, they think I talk too much in the breakroom; repeat jokes and anecdotes; and don’t put niceties like “I hope you had a nice weekend” in emails. They also disagree with decisions I’ve taken that are relatively small and well within the remit of my role. The letter didn’t mention any of the positives I’ve done since joining, like using my network to get some of the complainers Executive level mentors at their request.

My boss made clear that I have to sort the issues quickly, but didn’t offer any advice on how, even when I asked them directly for support. They also asked me not to tell the team I had seen their letter. I’ve tried to keep to myself more in the office and avoid the break room completely this week. But when I do interact with my team, I’m so nervous that I am easily flustered and get a bout of verbal diarrhea, which will then be reinforcing some of their complaints. Isn’t it just a part of office life to have to work with people you don’t like? What can I do to become more likable?

—Disliked

Dear Disliked,

Dysfunction from top to bottom! Your team sounds unusually toxic and your boss used horrible judgment when they shared the petty criticism with you and ordered you to fix it. I see nothing in your letter indicating that you have a history of struggling to interact at work or of rubbing people the wrong way, so I sincerely think you’re just having terrible luck when it comes to the people who surround you at the office. If you want to continue working there—and I’m guessing that after investing two decades you probably do—you’re going to need to change your mindset completely, focusing solely on the work that needs to be done and somehow convincing yourself that you don’t care whether you’re liked. I can imagine this might require the support of therapist (to help manage your nerves around your team and the negative feelings this situation brings up), a career coach (to make sure you’re being strategic about how you interact, and possibly to help guide you to a different role in the company), and friends (to remind you that you are not your job and these nasty coworkers are not people whose opinions should matter).

That’s honestly going to require a lot of intense and unpaid mental energy. Because of that, and because I don’t think your boss can be trusted not to push you out, you should also start to look for opportunities elsewhere. It’s not fair, but it might be what you need to do to make your life a lot better. I’ve been around long enough to predict that someday in the future, after you move on, one of your workplace haters will send you a cheery message on LinkedIn, asking for help getting a new job where you work. And you can reply, “I don’t think you’d like it—if I remember correctly, you wrote that letter saying you were really bothered when people talked in the breakroom.”

“You’re always one workplace conflict or new manager away from needing to update your LinkedIn page.”

Jenée Desmond-Harris and Joel Anderson discuss a letter in this week’s Dear Prudence Uncensored—only for Slate Plus members.

Dear Prudence,

I am not close with my sister at all. During our parents’ divorce, she chose to go live with our dad overseas and rarely came home to visit, even as an adult. It broke my mom’s heart, and she desperately tried to build a relationship with my sister, but my sister wasn’t interested. Our mother died during the pandemic and there was no service. I thought that would be the last time my sister and I would ever speak. Only my sister has recently reached out. She and her partner have moved back to the U.S., and she is pregnant. She wants to have a fresh start with me. I don’t really see the point. She is basically a stranger who happens to share some DNA with me. I am never going to be able to forgive or forget how my sister treated our mother the last few years of her life. I don’t want to hurt my sister now, but I don’t see the point of hashing out the past here. What do I say?

—Estranged in the East

Dear Estranged,

Don’t reconnect—your feelings about recent events are too raw. But don’t close the door to reconnecting in the future, either. You never know how your feelings might change. A message like this would get the point across without fracturing your relationship (or what’s left of it) further: “I’m not ready for a fresh start, because I’m honestly still not over some of the things that happened in our past. I hope you understand, and I wish you the best with your pregnancy and new baby.”

Submit your questions anonymously here. (Questions may be edited for publication.) And for questions on parenting, kids, or family life, try Care and Feeding!

Dear Prudence,

My sister has been diagnosed with a neurological condition where she can no longer live alone. She has seizures and falls. It was only by the grace of God that a neighbor came by and saw her. Neither of her children were willing to have her move in with them, so she moved in with me. It was a mistake. She and her children make zero effort to respect me or my home. It isn’t a dumping ground for free childcare or dog-sitting. I am tired of coming home to find that my sister agreed to watch her grandchildren for the weekend without telling me, and their mother turns off her phone so I can’t tell her to come back to get them. I am in my backyard watching it get trashed because my nephew took a job out of town and dumped his large dogs on us for a week (they are large and unwalkable).

I have repeatedly told them this is unacceptable, and they don’t care. My sister argues that this is her home too, and she doesn’t need my “permission.” We had fights, and I told her to pack her bags if she doesn’t like living under my roof. She isn’t going to find a hole in the ground for what social security she gets, and her children will definitely not help. She locks herself in her room and cries. I finally told my niece that if she drops her kids off again, I will call CPS (she’s had trouble with them before). I also told my nephew I will drop his dogs at the shelter. They can get off their asses and make other arrangements. It is a huge mess, and my sister claims I am stressing her so much that her condition is getting worse. I love her, but this is insane. Please advise.

—Too Much

Dear Too Much,

The good news is you’re very comfortable with confrontation and have already had the hard conversations with everyone involved. Now you just have to follow through. Call CPS (or better yet, do not open the door when your niece shows up with her kids). Take the dogs to the shelter (while letting your nephew know where he can pick them up). And tell your sister that it may be time for her to live with one of her children (whether they like it or not). If she protests, you can negotiate with her: “If you want to stay, these are the rules. It is not your home. You are a guest. You need permission to invite people over. Your children and their pets and animals aren’t welcome here. If you can agree to that, fine. If not, let’s get you packed up.” And then actually do it! If you start to feel guilty, remember, she’s “miserable” there, so you’re not really taking much from her. You can at least get your yard back.

Dear Prudence,

I am moving temporarily overseas. Since summer is coming, I thought of inviting my two nieces to come visit. I would pay for the plane tickets. One is in college and the other will be starting high school. My brother is engaged and his fiancée is particularly pissed off that I didn’t think to include her 17-year-old daughter in the offer. I accidentally overheard her talking with my brother; he forgot to hang up, and she was saying nasty things about me over this. I have never met this girl. I only met the fiancée this Christmas for a few days at our parents. I was happy that my brother found someone, but this reaction is so bizarre and out of left field that it leaves me stumped on how to proceed. Do I talk to my brother about it? Ignore it? Bring it up to my other two siblings (parents of my nieces)? If my brother wanted to bring both of them on a trip to visit me, I would be more than happy to host. But only if he was there. This entire situation just makes me leery.

—Trip Advice

Dear Trip Advice,

I honestly can’t imagine this 17-year-old, who probably has her own friends, sports, job and other activities would really want to go visit a stranger along with two soon-to-be stepsisters who, let’s be honest, she barely knows. It sounds to me like your brother’s fiancée is projecting her one-big-happy-family fantasy onto her child. Or maybe she just wants some teen-free time with her partner this summer. Either way: Not your problem. You don’t have to let anyone know what you heard, and if your brother brings it up you can very reasonably say “I’m not comfortable being responsible for a kid I’ve never met.”

Dear Prudence,

It is a tradition in our family that the oldest granddaughter gets a family heirloom ring when she gets married. I got it from my grandmother, who got it from her grandmother. I have two granddaughters that are engaged and fighting over who gets the ring. “Kylie” is my biological granddaughter, while “Katie” is my step granddaughter. Katie is technically the elder, but my son married her mother when Katie was 10. Their relationship has been troubled, and they have separated twice.

Kylie’s father is furious that his brother and his wife are pushing for me to give the ring to Katie—he thinks that I might as well throw it in the ocean because it will be lost to our family. My other son thinks that giving Kylie the ring over Katie is a statement that Katie was never part of our family then. I think the pair of them are using the ring as a proxy war over their own issues, and I am sick of being put in the middle. I do love Katie and consider her my grandchild, but I am much closer to Kylie. I didn’t see much of Katie growing up. I need some advice here.

—Ring Is the Thing

Dear Ring,

The tradition is for the oldest granddaughter to get the ring. It is not for the granddaughter who is closest to the current ring owner and has the most stable parents to get the ring. Your son and his wife are right. If you truly consider Katie your grandchild, you’ll give it to her. If it helps, think of it this way: You’ll be exchanging a piece of metal for an intact relationship with your son. And I’m sure your grandmother and great grandmother would have wanted you to have that.

I spent the Christmas holidays with my family, my husband of five years, and our 2-year-old daughter. We hosted everyone at our house. Toward the end of the visit, I got up to check on my daughter, who had a slight cold. I noticed my husband was not in bed and decided to go look for him. Imagine my surprise when I found him and my cousin having sex on my couch!