Help! I Just Learned I’m a Nigerian Prince. With a Bank Account in Zurich.
Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Prudence,
I am a British man of West African extraction, living in the eastern United States. I am reasonably educated and not impoverished. I work for a mid-sized regional law firm. I lived a pretty unremarkable life until about a year ago, when my Nigerian father died. As my mother was already dead and I was an only child, it fell to me to set the estate to rest. As I was doing so, I discovered something uniquely hilarious. I know this sounds remarkable, but as it turns out, I am in fact a Nigerian prince by birthright, though nobody in my family has held any true title to nobility for several generations.
It gets worse: My family fortune is lying unclaimed in a bank in Zurich, under sanction dating to a 40-year-old diplomatic dispute involving smuggling diamonds and a coup-d’état. Not that this pertains to my problem at all—I don’t want the money nor could I get it if I did. No, my problem is that my life is now an ironic spam email; my ethnic and familial identity is reduced to a stale meme. I have not told anyone in my personal or work circles about this development in part because of my fear that I will not be believed, or will become the butt of jokes. It is already hard enough being a Black bloke with a heavy British accent in America. And yet I don’t know how to process this newly-revealed disclosure into my personal background. I asked my therapist, who did not believe that I was serious until I provided written documentation to substantiate my claims. This is exactly indicative of the problem.
—Reluctant Scam Prince
Dear Scam Prince,
Nobody needs to know about this. It changes nothing about your identity or worth as a person. It’s really little more than a piece of family history trivia. I’m sure many of your friends have uncovered similar “Wow, someone I’m related to was a big deal” information on Ancestry.com.
True story: I have a friend who vaguely mentioned that her father was “involved in politics” in Ghana, but none of us in the United States quite knew what that meant until we went to her wedding and the man was sitting on a literal throne with a crown on in a gated palace.
She hadn’t gone into detail because she didn’t want to seem like she was bragging, but also it didn’t matter and had no effect on her daily life in New York City. And we never talk about it except to tease her about the surprise we got.
Maybe your new revelation will inspire you to dig deeper into your family history in a way that’s exciting or satisfying. Your new insights about your family might naturally come up with people you’re very close to. But again, no need to send out a mass text to your friends and colleagues with a press release.
Side note: A therapist demanding documentation for what you tell them is pretty weird. If I were you I might look for someone new to talk to.
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Dear Prudence,
My brother is your typical basement dwelling neckbeard. He has mental and emotional problems that prevent him from actually interacting with polite society and has our mother to do everything for him except wipe his ass. He is addicted to weed and video games. He has never lived alone, but our mother’s health is failing. Our father wants to sell the house and move into a smaller place—and be rid of my brother.
I left home as soon as I was able and rarely visited. My brother would creep on me and my friends as a teen. Well, I have been looking for another housemate since my last one moved. I own my own home, but it is in an expensive area. Both of my parents are putting pressure on me to take in my brother and have even offered to pay me. All my objections get ignored, and I am tired of being badgered by them. My mother’s birthday is coming up, and I don’t really want to fly out to have the same broken conversation with them.
—Broken Record
Dear Broken Record,
This situation calls for both more compassion and more detachment at the same time. First, it sounds like your brother has some legitimate mental health diagnosis that explains his situation. I’m sure he would be more independent if he’d been supported in learning to do so, and would use better coping mechanisms if he had them. There’s no need to disparage him as a “neckbeard” for something that isn’t his fault.
That said, his situation isn’t your fault either, and “my brother would creep on me and my friends” hints that he was actually predatory to you, his sister, in a way that wasn’t addressed by your parents. You would be justified in deciding not only not to house him, but not to be anywhere near him. The way you casually mentioned the “creep” part made me wonder if you really understand that. If you don’t, maybe it’s coming across in responses to your parents that are more “I don’t think that will work, even though I do have room, I kind of wanted a different roommate …” than “Absolutely not, I’m honestly shocked that you would make such an inappropriate request. Please don’t bring it up again.”
I want you to really feel that it is 100 percent not acceptable for your brother to live with you. If you’re still close to those childhood friends who remember his behavior, maybe reach out to them for affirmation and a “Hell no” pep talk. Then echo that same “Hell no” to your mom and dad. And remind yourself that your brother’s well-being isn’t at stake here. Your parents could choose to keep living with him, or they could take the money they’re offering to pay you and simply pay someone else. They can continue to ignore your “no,” but unless they break into your house with all of his belongings and move him in under the cover of night, that’s not your problem.
Dear Prudence,
About six years ago, my best friend from childhood, “B,” got married. We were in our mid-twenties, and there was something that felt slightly off about the relationship. It wasn’t her husband, he seemed nice enough. It took me a while to realize that it just didn’t seem like a good fit. There were key relationship moments that B felt went poorly, but I thought she was happy overall, so I never expressed my feelings. After she got married, it was clear she had shifted most of her focus on her relationship with her husband and we drifted apart as friends.
Last year, we reconnected. Things seemed fine at first until she admitted that she was having trouble in her marriage. Not big, marriage-ending things but a bunch of little things. B feels like she’s failing as a wife. She says things like, “I wish I knew what I was doing,” and “Why can’t I get this right.” I mentioned couples therapy, but B’s husband won’t go. He apparently thinks that all the small issues they’re experiencing are normal for married life. That response in and of itself makes me wish I would have made sure she was happy with the relationship and not just willing to settle to get married. I think she may have settled for a guy that just isn’t the supportive partner B needs. I’m wondering if I should mention this, very tactfully, that they may not be a good match. I don’t want her to think that I’ve been judging her, but I also don’t want her to feel like she doesn’t have the support she needs. What do you think I should do?
—Friendly Advisor
Dear Friendly Advisor,
There’s a fine line between supporting your friend, letting her know you care about her happiness, and affirming that you’d love to see her treated the way she wants to be treated and … telling her that her relationship sucks. You just want to make sure you stay solidly on the “I’m a cheerleader for you, and you deserve the best” side of the line. A good way to make sure you’re there might actually be to make a rule for yourself: When you’re discussing her life, do not mention her husband’s name or say “he.” So if she says “We fight every night because he won’t help me clean up, but he says that’s normal in marriage. I hate this, I just can’t get it right,” instead of saying “You know, I think Bret is the wrong person for you if he can’t step up!” you could just say: “I don’t think you’re failing to get it right, I think it’s great that you keep standing up for yourself. But I hate to see you feeling this way and questioning your worth when I know how much energy you put into your marriage and how fair and kind you are. Is there anything I can do?”
Catch up on this week’s Prudie.
I’m the mother of young children and was recently diagnosed with cancer. Thankfully, it was caught early and is treatable. Nonetheless, I have been very tired and going through many treatments and doctors’ visits. My husband has informed me that a few days prior to surgery to have my tumor removed at the end of the month, his entire family has planned a party at my in-laws house a few hours away, in order to wish me well. While I very much appreciate the gesture, the party is ill-timed. On top of this, my husband’s family is very loud and boisterous and I just don’t have the energy to deal with this. My husband can’t understand why I’m less than enthusiastic about the party and is asking for me to be grateful. Am I being ungrateful or is it acceptable for me to express my appreciation for the gesture but explain that I simply won’t be able to attend?
