Help! My Husband Shoved the Wedding Cake in My Face. Now I’m Divorcing Him.

It’s Advice Week! In On Second Thought, we’ll revisit questions from the archives and dig into how much has changed since Slate began giving advice in 1997—and how much hasn’t. Read all stories here.

The early 2020s—according to letters readers sent to Prudie—were all about wedding cakes, crowd funding, and relationship tests. Read on for some of our favorite Dear Prudence letters from 2020 to today.

Dear Prudence,

I got married just before Christmas and am hoping to be divorced or annulled by the end of January. Obviously, that wasn’t the plan originally, but … I never cared about getting married, but I wasn’t opposed to it. So when my boyfriend proposed in 2020, we decided to go for it. We each took on about half the responsibility for organizing the wedding, but I think I was pretty reasonable about compromise when he really wanted something. My only hard-and-fast rule was that he would not rub cake in my face at the reception.

Being a reasonable man who knows me well, he didn’t. Instead, he grabbed me by the back of the head and shoved my head down into it. It was planned since the cake was DESTROYED, and he had a bunch of cupcakes as backup.

I left. Next day I told him we were done. I am standing by that. The thing is that over the holidays EVERYONE has gotten together to tell me I should give him a second chance. That I am overreacting because of my issues (I am VERY claustrophobic after a car accident years ago, and I absolutely panicked at being shoved into a cake and held there). That I love him (even though right now I don’t feel that at all), he loves me, and that means not giving up at the first hurdle. I don’t want to, but everyone is so united and confident in their assurance I am making a terrible mistake that I wonder if they are right.

—Give Him Till February?

Dear Till February,

Everyone’s sure you’re making a mistake, but they’re not the ones who have to wake up every day with a man whose behavior massively turns them off. You are. So you only have to listen to yourself. I think what he did was a red flag about not respecting you and your wishes—to say nothing of the physical aggression—but even if it wasn’t, the fact that you really didn’t like it is enough. Make a mental note about which of your loved ones don’t seem to value your happiness, and continue with your divorce.

Jenée Desmond-Harris From: “Help! I’m Divorcing My Husband Over an Insane Stunt He Pulled at Our Wedding.” (Jan. 13, 2022).

Dear Prudence,

My boyfriend and I have been together for nine years and engaged for four. I had to beg him to propose, but he seemed happy about it. But any time I bring up wedding planning, he brushes me off and says we’ll talk about it later. (He’s been doing this for four years.) Now he’s saying he doesn’t see the point in getting married because we’ve been together for so long. I’m dying to get married. I’ve tried to express this, and he says he understands but he’s just not ready. I think the next step is an ultimatum, because I’m pretty sure he’ll choose marriage over breaking up (this is how he proposed). Part of the problem is that his best friend, Matt, is constantly in his ear telling him not to marry me so they can stay bachelors. Another issue is that I rely on my boyfriend financially. I would be homeless if I left him, and I don’t want to work. Do I stick around and wait for him to decide he wants to get married, or do I force him to get rid of Matt and take me to the altar?

—Stuck, Again

You would also be homeless if your boyfriend left you, which is worth considering before committing to this relationship as a career plan. Moreover, I cannot advise you to deliver an ultimatum you’re neither able nor willing to carry out. Being “pretty sure” your boyfriend won’t break up with you over a second ultimatum doesn’t seem like a solid bet. What if he does break up with you? Even if you two do get married, how will you support yourself if you get divorced? If he dies young? If he gets sick or injured and is unable to keep working? What’s your contingency plan if things don’t go the way you expect, bearing in mind that life very rarely goes according to your blueprint (including this relationship, which has not gone according to plan for the past few years)? At the very least, you should have a savings account in your own name that will cover transit to get you to family or friends should you need to find another place to stay on short notice. I’d also encourage you to look for part-time or freelance work so you can start building a more robust cushion—not because you’re planning on dumping your boyfriend tomorrow, but because you should know that you can keep a roof over your head no matter how your romantic relationship is doing.

As for your question about Matt—I’m not quite sure how you propose to force your boyfriend to get rid of him, especially since you’ve spent the last four years trying to maintain an engagement your erstwhile fiancé now seems to consider over. He’s managed to bargain you down from “fine, we’re engaged” to “it’s too late to get married, and I’m not ready, so let’s downgrade back to dating” without any real consequences, so I’m not optimistic about your chances. You and I may simply have different priorities, and you certainly don’t have to conduct your personal life according to my values, but I wonder what you’re getting out of this relationship, with a man who finds your goals exasperating, who’s happy to let you “beg” for an engagement only to announce years later that he doesn’t really feel like getting married after all, whose goodwill you rely on in order to support yourself financially, and who discusses with his best friend how great it is not to be married. What’s in this for you?

Danny M. Lavery From: “My Boyfriend’s Best Friend Is Urging Him Not to Marry Me” (Sept. 26, 2020).

Dear Prudence,

I come from a state where people are generally kind and not very confrontational. I’ve also lived in cities where people are far more gruff and are very boisterous when they think someone is trying to take advantage of them. Because of this, I’ve developed a much thicker skin than most people back home. I’ve been confronting people not wearing their masks correctly in stores (masks are mandatory in my city). It stresses me out so much and has me wondering if I’m being a “Karen.” I ask to speak to managers and write strongly worded letters somewhat frequently. It got to the point recently where I realized I act like the world owes me. I’ve never yelled at a manager over store policy, but I’ve always tried to “get stuff” when things haven’t gone my way. I don’t want to be like this, but I can’t shake the very negative feelings I’ve developed when I feel like I’ve been taken advantage of. I saw so many other people letting people know when they made the smallest mistake. Sometimes people seemed genuinely sorry for what they did or were a bit oblivious. Sometimes they got really hostile. Should I always be trying to make sure that people correct their mistakes, or should I let small things go? Is it a Karen move to always ask people to correct their mistakes?

—Always Disgusted in Tunbridge Wells

Let’s agree that someone who always asks others to correct their mistakes, regardless of the relative importance of the mistake or how well they know each other, is generally considered difficult, draining, and best avoided. However strictly right you may be in each moment, treating everyone as an obstacle to be overcome in your quest to never get anything less than 100 percent of what you are owed is, well, also draining and probably best avoided. What do you get out of writing strongly worded letters to various companies, aside from the occasional buy-one-get-one-free coupon and a corporate-sounding apology? What did you used to spend your time and energy on before you took up this crusade against insufficiently dazzling customer service? Does bargaining with managers actually get rid of that “negative feeling” you develop when you worry someone else has taken advantage of you? If this was working, that would be one thing. But you seem to continually feel aggrieved, no matter how assertively you speak to people who accidentally cut the line, or forgot to scan your coupon, or didn’t offer you a free refill. And it suggests that this hypervigilance, this Angriest Dog in the World act, is exacerbating your sense of being mistreated instead of soothing it.

I think the real work ahead of you lies in asking what other options are available to you in moments when you feel overwhelmed by negativity and the sense that someone else is “getting away” with something they shouldn’t. What might happen if you just … let them get away with it? You say you’ve seen “so many other people letting people know when they made the smallest mistake”—did those people seem happier, generally speaking? Did you get a sense, as you watched them monitor each line and boundary, that they were relaxed, peaceful, and someone whose internal experience you hoped to emulate? When you look back at all the stuff you’ve gotten because you didn’t let anyone else get away with anything over the past few years, ask yourself the question: Was it worth it?

Danny M. Lavery From: “Am I a ‘Karen’?” (Sept. 19, 2020).

Dear Prudence,

My sister and her family live in a state with very loose COVID regulations and, partly due to this, they have not been taking the health risks seriously at all. Her family works out at indoor gyms, eats indoors at restaurants, and has taken three vacations since lockdown started. We aren’t that close, and I knew better than to engage, so I just sat back and watched it unfold. Well, it did. Her husband and two of their kids caught COVID. Her husband had to go to the hospital and was extremely sick for weeks. Her children recovered fairly quickly but were understandably scared. She and her husband have now started a GoFundMe to pay for hospital bills (after railing against “socialism” in health care, go figure). She has asked me to not only donate but to spread the word in my networks. I made a small donation, but I refuse to publicize this in my circle. I think it’s unconscionable that she and her husband put many other people’s health at risk due to their selfishness and stubbornness. Our brother shares many of my views but is still sharing the GoFundMe because he feels browbeaten by our sister. I don’t want to cause a permanent rift over this. Breaking off relations with family members seems to be a fraught decision, especially these days. But I can’t handle the thought of asking my friends to bail my sister’s family out of a situation they 100 percent created for themselves. What should I do?

—Sudden Schadenfreude

People deserve medical attention when they get sick, and people who need medical attention should not be bankrupted as a result of getting sick. People sometimes behave selfishly, or ignorantly, or desperately. They sometimes prioritize short-term over long-term interests, and they still don’t deserve to get sick as a result. People who have engaged in high-risk behavior have gotten COVID, and people who’ve engaged in low-risk behavior have gotten COVID.

Your sister and her husband engaged in risky behavior, yes, but this was not a situation they “100 percent created for themselves.” As you yourself acknowledge, their own state government encouraged a relatively casual, low-concern response to the pandemic. Yes, their behavior likely put others at risk—that’s wrong, and they shouldn’t have done it. But sickness shouldn’t be a punishment for bad behavior, and parents shouldn’t have to go into debt to cover their kids’ hospital bills. It’s a pretty straightforward ethical stance and doesn’t even require you to approve of everyone else’s risks, choices, or behavior patterns. Your sister doesn’t seem to have noticed you haven’t shared her GoFundMe link, and you’ve already made a donation, so I don’t think you have to “do” anything here at all, except keep your opinions to yourself. If you truly can’t countenance the idea of sharing a link to a fundraiser with your friends, then don’t do it. But I think you can give them enough credit to assume they’ll either donate or not, as they see fit, according to their own abilities, priorities, and sense of scale.

Danny M. Lavery From: “My Sister’s Family Ignored Social Distancing and Got COVID. Now She’s Crowdfunding Their Bills.” (Sept. 12, 2020).

Dear Prudence,

My first spouse had a thing for Disney, which I hated. Our whole house was covered in Disney stuff (think 101 Dalmatians shower curtain, etc.), which was tacky and embarrassing. When I met my current spouse, I made my zero-tolerance Disney policy clear. She said no problem, but confessed that her twin daughters (now in their late 20s) were the “Harry Potter generation” and that she and the twins still had “minimal nostalgic experiences” related to HP.

Fast forward five years, and “minimal” was a psychotic lie. There is A LOT of Harry Potter in my life. At least once a month, I catch her reading from one of the HP books on her Kindle. I overheard her on Zoom with the twins having anguished conversations about “what to do about Harry Potter” given the author’s transphobia. And whenever she visits the twins, they all do some HP-related thing. The most recent was to go to a HP store, and my spouse came home with a notebook and pen representing her “Hogwarts house.” I reminded her that she promised to NEVER bring Disney merch around me, and she goes, “Disney didn’t own the Harry Potter franchise then,” which is splitting hairs at best. She put the merch inside a drawer where I won’t see it, but she won’t get rid of it or apologize for buying it. Now she’s planning to watch some HP reunion IN THE HOUSE while Zooming with the twins.

Prudence, she has advanced degrees, a high-level job with a great salary, and successful daughters, so I don’t know why she needs to cling onto HP, especially knowing that Disney is a deal-breaker for me. To this day, she claims HP is a “minimal” part of her life and that she didn’t misrepresent. How can I make her see that her HP thing is actually a significant fixation she needs to outgrow if she wants our marriage to last?

—Done With Disney

Dear Done With Disney,

Just for the record, Disney doesn’t even own Harry Potter—so I guess if you want to keep this up, you’ll need to become a Warner Bros. hater, too. But: Are you serious? Is this real? None of this is affecting you. There are no tacky shower curtains bothering you. You have nothing to complain about. For every hour she spends on her totally harmless hobby, you should be spending an hour finding your own books, movies, and interests and an hour talking to a therapist about how to become a less intolerant, judgmental person. Better yet: If it really is a deal-breaker, leave and let her live in peace and enjoy her life.

Jenée Desmond-Harris From: “Help! My Spouse Assured Me She Wasn’t a Disney Freak When We Married. That Was a ‘Psychotic Lie.’” (Dec. 30, 2021).

Dear Prudence,

Three months ago, my wife and I had a calm disagreement over whether we should start a family. A few nights later, I replayed the conversation in my mind and got extremely angry about it. I went into the bathroom, flushed her birth control pills down the toilet, left the empty case on the counter, and then went back to bed. When I woke up in the morning, I was ashamed of myself, but I knew she had already seen what I’d done. She never confronted me about it but has displayed strange behavior since then. She is unusually quiet and acts withdrawn. Her body language has changed, and although we still have sex regularly, it is different than it was before. In addition, she is constantly taking phone calls in private and leaving the house on superfluous errands. I realize I made a mistake, but I don’t think it’s fair that she continues to punish me for it by avoiding me. I want to ask my wife for us both to give up our smartphones and share one car so we can work on our communication. I don’t want to fall into the same trap of doing something rash and then regretting it later. How can I talk to my wife calmly about her behavior?

—Flushed Guilt

To recap: You threw away your wife’s birth control, and now you want to rebuild trust by telling her to give up access to her phone and her car. “Sorry I violated your trust and autonomy, but I think it would help if you gave up more of your trust and autonomy” is not the marriage-saving solution you think it is. What you need right now is accountability, not increased control over your wife’s conversations and movements. Be honest with your friends, your relatives, and a therapist right away: “My wife and I talked about having children recently, and when the conversation didn’t go my way, I threw away her birth control pills and left the empty case where she could see it. I did this on purpose to frighten and intimidate her into giving me what I wanted. This was controlling, abusive, and wrong, and I need help holding myself accountable.”

You also need to apologize to your wife, not in order to extract forgiveness and renewed trust from her but because it’s the right thing to do. Then you need to back up that apology with action. Do not ask her to give up her phone and her car, don’t listen in on her conversations, and don’t try to stop her when she leaves the house. She has a right to privacy, to safety, and to make her own decisions about birth control, and no amount of “calmness” can mitigate the fact that you deliberately violated those rights. Take responsibility for your behavior. And although that may not save your marriage, it’s the first step toward building a life where you don’t harm the people closest to you.

Danny M. Lavery From: “I Got Mad and Flushed My Wife’s Birth Control” (Aug. 13, 2020).

Dear Prudence,

My parents gave me a really terrible name, that half-rhymes and contains a racial slur—think “Gypsy-Pixie,” and misspelled. (We are a white family.) I have hated it my whole life and was bullied mercilessly for it in school. My friends and teachers called me an initial-based nickname at my request, although when my parents found out that teachers used my nickname, they called the school and complained, to my absolute mortification. I changed my name legally as soon as I could upon adulthood. Everyone now knows me as “Ann,” and my friends who knew me before made the change smoothly.

My parents are furious. They refuse point-blank to use my name, although they have had a full year now. They always used to tell me I would “grow to love” my “beautiful and unique” name when I cried about it as a child, and are obviously angry that they have been proven wrong on that. I get that it must be painful for a parent to feel like their child has rejected the name they chose, but … come on. They have always known how much I hated it, always ignored my pleading to be called nicknames, and on top of all this, THEIR names are completely normal (e.g., “Bob” and “Liz”), so they have no idea what this has been like for me.

I know this seems petty, but my relationship with them is deeply strained because of this. I gave them an “adjustment period” where I said I wouldn’t mind them occasionally using the old name, but they ignored that completely. When I said I would be cutting short calls or meetups if they called me my old name, they went ahead and called me it anyway (in front of others), then acted stunned and hurt when I left the exchange as promised. I am increasingly pulling away from them because of this—I don’t want to be called the wrong name multiple times per conversation, and it hurts me that they’re willing to die on this hill rather than just respect my right to have a name I don’t hate and doesn’t get me laughed at on the regular. They called me “Gypsy-Pixie” for 20 years. Am I wrong for thinking they should be able to adjust to “Ann” now that I’m an adult? Can you recommend a way for me to handle this better—or am I being immature for dying on this hill with them?

You were on the right track when you cut short meetups and calls when they said your old name, but you have to stick with the plan and keep doing it until they get the message. It’s they who are choosing to die on a ridiculous hill—let’s hope they realize their error before they take your relationship down with them.

Jenée Desmond-Harris From: “Help! My Parents Gave Me a Wacky, Offensive Name” (July 24, 2021).

Q. Nothing has changed, but … : Five years ago I broke up with “Amy” because she couldn’t have children. I felt awful about it, but having a family had always been important to me, and she wasn’t interested in adoption or surrogacy right from the start. We just couldn’t imagine a future where we were happy. Then about a week before shelter-in-place orders started, I ran into Amy at a farmer’s market. She was six months pregnant. We talked for a while, I congratulated her, and she asked if I was a dad yet. When she found out I wasn’t she said that this baby could have been mine if I’d passed her test. According to Amy she’d never been told she was infertile—she just wanted to see if I loved her enough to give up on being a dad. So she lied for over four months until we broke up.

I can’t get over it. I don’t know if it is because I’m stuck inside on my own or what, but it just eats at me. It’s not the “what if” of it all. I am just angry and frustrated. The fact that I felt guilty for years because of a lie makes me feel like an idiot. The fact that she came up with this out of nowhere makes me feel like I never knew her. Who does something like that? Maybe if I talk it out with someone it would be better, but it doesn’t really seem like a phone conversation. Plus my brother’s a doctor and my parents are both at-risk, so they have enough stress without my five-years-ago trauma. Heck, it might help just to go to the bar and hang out with friends. I mean, I’d finally have something to add to the “weird ex” conversations. Except she doesn’t seem to be one. She’s got a job and a husband, and it’s just this one pretty strange thing? (Also, I can’t go anywhere.)

This was a really weird thing to do, right? How do I stop chewing on something like this?

A: This is unutterably bizarre. I’m so sorry you learned something so jarring and painful, especially a mere week before having to shelter in place. Of course you feel angry and frustrated. What Amy told you—which may have been true, and may have simply been a cruel jibe she invented on the spot in order to hurt you—was gratuitously brutal. Please don’t convince yourself that no one in your life wants to hear about your pain. If you’re that worried about your relatives’ ability to absorb bad news, you can always check in first: “I heard something really shocking and painful recently, and I’d like to talk about it with someone. I know you’re [very busy at the hospital or dealing with a lot of stress of your own, etc.] right now, so let me know if you’d rather talk about it later or if I should talk to another friend first. But I’d like to talk about it with you sometime, if you’re able.” That way, if they really are too stressed out to listen to you, you can trust they’ll let you know. But don’t convince yourself without even asking that they can’t handle hearing that someone’s hurt you.

As for your other questions—it was beyond a weird thing to do. Of course you find yourself wondering whether you ever really knew her and have trouble squaring this bizarre, awful, unloving trick with the idea of an otherwise normal person/employee/wife/mother. I think you may be chewing on this for a little while: It throws a really significant relationship in your life in a completely new light, and you shouldn’t expect to simply shrug it off after a day or two. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You have every right to be shocked and hurt and angry. Give yourself a lot of time to feel that way, and please do reach out to as many people as you possibly can. You need and deserve a lot of support right now.

Danny M. Lavery From: “Help! My Ex Dumped Me Because I Failed Her Utterly Bizarre ‘Test.’” (May 11, 2020).