Help! My Husband’s Family Is Purposefully Poisoning Him.

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.

Dear Prudence,

I think I wrecked my husbands’ relationship with his brother and his family, and don’t know what to do now. And his brother doesn’t know it. Or at least I don’t think so. Let me explain. When I first married and first visited his brother’s family, I of course wanted to be liked and to play nice and get along. We were staying with them for a week. There was the brother, his wife, and they have three girls. One night, my sister-in-law was cooking and she pulled me aside to let me in on a little joke. She was putting meat juice in my husband’s food. He’s a vegetarian. I was shocked but didn’t want to make a fuss, so I just went along and laughed.

Years went by and one Thanksgiving, after eating her meal, my husband had to get up and vomit. At first, we were surprised, but later it occurred to me that it was her little joke that made him vomit. Later, I confronted one of the daughters. She admitted it was a mistake to put that much meat juice in the stuffing this time. So after we came home, I told my husband all of it. Now, he no longer wants to talk to them or see them. He takes their calls and is nice but won’t call them and his brother is starting to ask me what’s wrong. I don’t know if the brother knows about the so-called “juicing.” And he’s a very critical guy who will always protect his perfect wife.

So do I tell him what I know? Could it make a difference? My husband’s feelings have been hurt to no end knowing he was a butt of a joke for so long by people he thought loved him.

—To Tell or Not to Tell

Dear To Tell,

Stand down. This family’s extreme dysfunction—and specifically your sister-in-law’s serial killer tendencies—are not your fault, and you are not going to repair these relationships. Your husband is justifiably hurt. He can be the one to decide whether to reach out to his brother. But it stands to reason that if the meat juice villain told you what she was doing, she told her own spouse too. You were simply the bearer of bad news here, not the cause of the tension between these siblings. Maybe your husband will confront his SIL directly, but leave that up to him. Even if he does, I think we can all agree that you two should never, ever eat at her home again.

Dear Prudence,

I have been working in a small law office for the past 10 years, and up until now, I have loved my job. We recently hired a much-needed assistant to one of the attorneys. She is very friendly and nice but the problem is, she will not stop talking. I am willing to answer any question about the job, but she will talk on and on about her personal life, her opinions on the news, you name it. I really don’t have any interest, and I need a quiet environment to do my own work. I don’t want to create tension in the office, but how can I get her to shut the **** up already? I am old enough to retire, but I was hoping to work another year or two. Now I just want to flee.

—Please Stop Talking

Dear Talking,

It’s definitely appropriate to deploy a “It’s not you, it’s me” white lie here. Try this: “Wow, Carol, that story about your dog is wild. You always have the most entertaining updates. I’m realizing I like talking to you so much I’m falling really behind on my work and I need to get it together. Can you do me a favor and not tempt me with any juicy updates or hot takes and save them for when we go get coffee in the afternoons? I’m going to put my headphones on and buckle down, and chatting with you later will be an incentive for me to make some progress.”

“I just can’t believe the letter writer is sitting here wondering if she is the villain in this story!”

Jenée Desmond-Harris and Joel Anderson discuss a letter in this week’s Dear Prudence Uncensored—only for Slate Plus members.

Dear Prudence,

My wife and I regularly dog-sit for friends when they are traveling. We enjoy having random new companions for our doggo, and it’s nice to have a reciprocal network when we leave town and don’t want to board our guy. This week, her friend dropped off their two beagles, before which she let us know the older one was “getting on in years.” Oh boy … this poor guy is not getting on in years, he should be mercifully done with his years. He’s blind, deaf, clearly in pain, can hardly walk, needs to be lifted just to go out, has to have his food spoon fed, has skin lesions etc,, etc. It’s sad and it’s hard to watch.

We are a little annoyed that they didn’t give us more of a heads up on this poor old boy’s condition, but our thoughts have now shifted to whether or not we should say something to her friends when they return. I fear it will come off as unwelcome/unsolicited advice on a sensitive topic, and they are not likely to listen to us. I don’t know these folks that well so I don’t care if they get upset with me, but my wife is more hesitant. I think any responsible vet would suggest it’s time to say goodbye, but is it our place to say something, or do we shush?

—Ruff Shape

Dear Ruff,

Pet hospice and palliative care are specifically designed to make the end of a dog’s life as pain-free as possible. A causal suggestion along the lines of “I’ve heard it can be great for animals who are getting on in years and have a lot of medical issues” would be much better received than “Don’t you think it’s about time to put him down?”

Submit your questions anonymously here. (Questions may be edited for publication.) And for questions on parenting, kids, or family life, try Care and Feeding!

Dear Prudence,

When our mom died, I was 24 and my half-sister was 14. I moved home to try and help since my half-sister didn’t want to leave to go live with her dad out of state. I tried for nearly a year but it was a disaster. I was suffering from clinical depression and anxiety. Just getting out of bed was hard, let alone dealing with my sister’s own grief and acting out at school. She ended up getting expelled for nearly assaulting a teacher. I couldn’t deal with it. We were both drowning. My sister ended up being sent to relatives on her paternal side, while I went to live with our maternal aunt and try to restart my life.

My sister and I have only sporadic contact over the years since then. Any attempt at a relationship gets derailed with her blaming me for abandoning her and failing as a sister. No matter how many times I apologize, it never seems to be enough. She is now the same age I was when our mom died. I asked her if she thought she was capable of dealing daily with a teenager that was getting into fights and getting expelled from school? She cursed me out and hung up the phone. Is there any point to even trying again? People tell me I owe it to the memory of our mother, but I am tired at this point. And yes, we went to therapy, but my sister quit halfway through.

—Trying in Tampa

Dear Trying

I think it’s possible that you two (especially your sister) are still in so much pain that you don’t have what it takes to fix your relationship right now. The fact that you’ve tried therapy is great, but her quitting tells me the best remedy right now might be some space. That doesn’t mean “we hate each other” space. It can be “we love each other but we are pissed off at each other and can’t see eye-to-eye” space. And yes, I do think your sister loves you. If she didn’t, she wouldn’t feel so hurt by your perceived shortcomings. As the older sibling and the person in the relationship who appears to be somewhat less traumatized, you can set the tone and keep the door to reconciliation open by sending a text on birthdays, holidays, and other special occasions that says something along the lines of “I’m thinking about you. I’m still sorry that I couldn’t take better care of you when we were younger. I hope you’re doing well, I love you and I’m here if you ever want to talk.”

I think there will come a time when her position softens—maybe due to maturity, or having a child of her own, or feeling that she’s at a better place in her life, or having a revelation in therapy. Until she comes around to recognizing that you were a great sibling in an impossibly hard situation, I hope you can at least see that about yourself.

Dear Prudence,

My youngest son (age 60) has been working in Germany off and on for the past 12 years. He’s been in a relationship with a German woman friend for about 10 years. I live in the States with my new wife of about three years. My son is making plans to retire somewhere. He and his friend came to visit us for several weeks. Before the visit, he cautioned me and my wife that his friend was “a little different.” My wife made a great effort to make the woman feel comfortable and hopefully feel as though she was a member of our family. It didn’t work! She made both my wife and I feel uncomfortable in our own home. She acted as if we were hosts of a B&B and repeatedly did things we considered rude and disrespectful.

Examples: 1) She often, without explanation, would decline to eat meals with us. Instead, she would sit in our living room reading or would stay in her bedroom doing whatever. She would secret food to their bedroom, moving the food to and from the bedroom while trying to hide it. We went out of our way to offer to provide/buy whatever food she might like to eat. She paid no attention to our offers. 2) She would frequently leave the house without comment for “walks.” 3) Our house has two water heaters. The heater supplying their end of the house had a problem. We offered to share our bath/shower as privately as possible. Alternatively, we offered to pay for lodging at any of the several local motels until the problem was fixed. Both ideas were rejected. She didn’t like the local motels because “their windows don’t open and they don’t have balconies.” She and my son left to find other lodgings without saying, “goodbye or go to hell!” They ended up getting accommodations in a city 90 minutes away. My son returned the next day to pick up personal items they’d left behind.

There’s more but you get the gist of our problem. When my son returned we had a sit-down talk with him (she wasn’t with him.) We told him his friend had “worn out her welcome” and we tried to explain why. He weakly defended her behavior. We insisted that we didn’t want to alienate him. They have return tickets to Germany next week. In the meanwhile, they’ve been bouncing around from one set of lodgings to another. They move primarily because she finds some problem with wherever they stay. I’d like to reach some type of “return to normal behavior.” My wife, however, feels deeply offended. My wife doubts that any form of apology would not result in any change in the woman’s behavior. I share her displeasure with this woman, but I don’t want to irretrievably damage my relationship with my son. Any suggestions/solutions?

—Some Folks Aren’t Good Guests

Dear Good Guests,

Your son’s girlfriend is eccentric/a weirdo/socially maladjusted/rude/high-maintenance/difficult (or, as he would put it, “a little different”) in ways that you, your son, and your wife all know have nothing to do with you and aren’t meant to hurt you. And your son, for whatever reason, loves her and has decided to put up with her for a decade. You really don’t have to do anything other than accept those two facts. It doesn’t sound like the two of them will be asking to stay with you again, or that you’ll even have to deal with her face-to-face any time in the near future. Your “return to normal behavior” can come during your first phone call with your son after he lands in Germany, when you say, “We’re sorry the trip was so challenging but we did enjoy seeing you. How was the flight home?”

Dear Prudence,

I’m a bridesmaid in two weddings in 2025. One is a close friend from high school, one is a former roommate and close friend. Those wedding dates are set in stone, good to go. The bridal parties for each are four or five girls (excluding bride). I have a cousin who is getting married, likely in 2025 (but there is the possibility it will be in 2026). I’m very close with this cousin and that side of my family, and I would truly hate to miss that wedding. That side of my family is pretty small and it would be the first wedding.

My question is, what do I do if the family wedding ends up falling on the same weekend as a wedding I’m already in? My first thought was, I’m not the only bridesmaid in these weddings, there would be others if I have to bow out, and family takes precedence. In general, when conflicts arise, I stick with whatever I committed to first, but family and weddings make it less straightforward for me. It’s worth noting save-the-dates and invitations have not been sent yet for my friends’ weddings.

—(Potentially) Overbooked

Dear Overbooked,

Since you’re very close to your cousin, how about an honest conversation? “I’m so excited about your wedding. I know you’ll have so many things to consider when choosing a date and my availability is not at the top of the list, but because I’d really love to be there I just wanted to let you know that I’ve committed to being a bridesmaid in friends’ weddings taking place on the following weekends …” If she doesn’t even know what year she’s going to get married in yet, there is a lot of flexibility right now. And if family is as important to her as it is to you, maybe she’ll work around your schedule.

If for some reason she does choose one of your current bridesmaid dates, you can bow out, but I don’t think you should. You can still go to the shower and the bachelorette and even volunteer to accompany her to shop for dresses or to a makeup trial. But when it comes to the actual day, you’ve made a commitment to your friends that involves a lot of money and logistics and emotion. Backing out would be really hurtful. Anyone—especially someone planning her own wedding—will understand that.

I am getting married next summer to my wonderful fiancé. We have asked his niece to be a flower girl along with my niece at the wedding. Just over two years ago, my sister-in-law lost “Baby Ella” at about 5 months. It was a very difficult time for all of them. Baby Ella is now in a small, sealed urn and travels with the family everywhere. It is sweet, and it helps them deal with the loss. I always figured that Baby Ella would come to the wedding but assumed that she would sit in the pew at the church. Over the holidays, my sister-in-law brought up how sweet it would be if my niece (her daughter) carried Baby Ella down the aisle!