Help! I Got Roped Into My Husband’s Family Group Chat, and It’s a Daily Nightmare.
Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Prudence,
Can I leave my husband’s family’s group chat without being labeled a brat? Before we went on a group trip this summer, a chat was started between his parents, his sister, her boyfriend, his brother, my husband and me. It stayed live since then. I am not exaggerating when I say there are at least 200 texts sent in the chat every day, ranging from mundane discussions about what was for breakfast to incredibly important information/decisions that need to be shared. While everyone else has pretty flexible jobs where phone use is allowed (or are retired in the case of the parents), I can access my phone for 30 minutes at lunch and then at the end of the day. I don’t even try to go back through the conversations that have happened because it would take my whole lunch. I have the conversation muted and generally just erased, but it’s still just annoying to go check my phone after four hours away and have 126 missed messages. Can I leave the chat or do I need to just keep muting/erasing? If I can leave, do I specifically address it and say I’m leaving since I can never keep up anyway or do I just ghost and never bring it up if they don’t?
—I’ve Got (Way Too Much) Mail
Dear Too Much Mail,
Leaving the chat feels extreme and could be perceived as hostile. Why don’t you just mute it and pop in once a week when you’re standing in line somewhere or suffering from insomnia or microwaving something for four minutes. Heart a few things, thumbs up a few things, give someone a compliment or wish someone a happy birthday, and go back to your life.
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Dear Prudence,
My mom recently passed away at age 60 after a years-long struggle with dementia. My dad did his best caring for her, but after several years of my mom living in a memory care center, he became lonely and started seeing another woman, “Maggie.” We come from a conservative religious background, so this choice came as very much a surprise to my siblings and me. When my mom found out about Maggie (my dad told her himself), it broke her heart. My mom’s greatest fear had always been that her husband would leave her for another woman. She declined very quickly and died a few months later.
I am so disappointed in my dad. While I understand how lonely he felt and that his physical and emotional needs were not being met, I am shocked and disappointed by his decision to set aside what he had always said were sacred vows. My dad knows how I feel about this, but I have also expressed to him that I love him, that I understand I was not in his shoes, and that I want to continue to have a strong relationship with him. My question is this: Maggie is still a very important part of my dad’s life. They are renovating a house together and may be getting married. How do I open my life (and my broken heart) to start letting Maggie into my life, without feeling that I am invalidating the very real hurt, confusion, and anger that my dad’s and Maggie’s decisions caused me?’
—It Doesn’t Help That She’s My Age
Dear My Age,
You’ve been incredibly understanding and generous to your dad—maybe even a little bit more than he deserves. Give yourself some credit for that. And lower your expectations for the kind of feelings you have toward him and Maggie. A “strong relationship” might be too ambitious a goal at this moment. After all, your heart is still broken, and you’re still confused and angry. Remember that your dad made the choice he made, and you would have that information about his character and how much he hurt your mom even if his girlfriend wasn’t in the picture anymore. She’s really not the problem or the barrier to emotional intimacy here. He is. But since you’ve decided it’s important to maintain a relationship with him, you should downgrade your goal from opening your heart and your life, to simply showing up and being kind. That’s it.
How many times a year do you want to see him? Put the dates on the calendar. What can you talk about with them that doesn’t trigger any memories of your mom? Chit-chat away. How long can you stay before you start to feel disappointment and pain take over? Set an alarm to make a polite exit before that. And if you find yourself feeling miserable or unraveling after these visits, pull back. Despite the way you may have been raised and the messages I’m imagining you received about the role of women in a family, you don’t have to put the appearance of being a nice person over doing what you need to do to be happy. Your dad of all people should be able to understand that.
Dear Prudence,
My MIL’s (“Blanche”) gift-giving is a growing problem between me and my husband “Liam.” His parents live overseas, so they don’t get to see our 4-year-old son “Max” more than once a year (he is one of their six grandchildren and four great-grandchildren, all of whom live near them). There is a constant stream of parcels with toys, candy, chocolate and clothes that arrive at our house about every two months. As a result, we have an obscene mountain of toys in the basement that are rarely played with and Max has developed an unhealthy expectation about getting new stuff all the time (which I firmly believe is directly linked to the gift river flooding our house). Dudley Dursley would be an exaggerated comparison, but it seems like that’s where we’re heading. I try and model receiving gifts with gratitude and make sure Max chooses and gives gifts for others, but it feels futile.
My MIL and I don’t have a relationship where I can vocalize this kind of concern. The last time there was a very minor issue, she got emotional and spent the night moping in the basement. I have had several calm discussions with Liam about Max’s behavior and my concern with the mess in the basement, but he doesn’t think there is a problem. He says “all kids are spoiled.” His other argument is that Blanche never sees Max. In my opinion, they choose not to visit more often. They could, but they don’t. At my insistence, Liam finally asked Blanche to stop sending toys other than at his birthday and Christmas. She stopped for a little while, but started back up again. She says “it’s just a few things.” They add up, Prudence! And I’m the one who will inevitably have to deal with them all through donating, reselling, or throwing away—none of which I love.
I know I probably sound ungrateful, but Max plays with the toys for a little while until they are “old” and then he wants something new. I feel experiences or visits with his grandparents would be more valuable for Max. The parcels are projects disguised as gifts. Liam films Max excitedly opening the parcels and sends the videos to Blanche. She wants and expects to see him open everything, so I don’t think holding the toys back for a special occasion is an option. It would be fine if she sent parcels a couple times a year, but it’s all the time! Should I just suck it up and let Blanche spoil Max? Or can I ask Liam to set a firmer boundary?
—No Gifts
Dear No Gifts,
I think you should suck it up. Sort of. Let her keep sending the gifts. She lives overseas, this is her way of connecting with her grandchild, and those videos are probably the highlight of her life. But I suggest two changes: Get your husband to agree that you two will intercept any packages you receive from your MIL and hold them until the next holiday (Valentine’s Day and Easter and the first day of school can count) so that Max at least associates gifts with special occasions and doesn’t expect them every Wednesday. Also: Place Liam in charge of donating the overflow, and encourage him to include Max in experiencing the joy of passing his barely used toys on to less fortunate kids.
Catch up on this week’s Prudie.
My ex-wife and I divorced after it came to light that she was having an affair with one of her therapy clients. This affair was reported to the licensing board (not by me), and she had her license to practice suspended. I have discovered that she subsequently received a large Paycheck Protection Program “loan,” which is essentially free money, based on income she made from her therapy business prior to suspension. I do not want to report her because I want her to be financially solvent so that she can continue to support our children. However, it seems to me that her receipt of the PPP loan was fraud, and it feels unethical not to report her. I do not harbor ill will toward her, but the lack of ethics is really troubling me. What do I do?
