Help! My Friend’s Latest Stunt Is Making Me Realize How Heartless She Is.
Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Prudence,
I’ve been friends with Julie for almost 20 years. I have always admired her self-conviction, confidence, and ability to know/go after what she wants without being burdened by the thoughts or opinions of others. She has a strong self of sense that I have always wished I could figure out. Julie has always been clear she does not want children and, until six years ago, steered clear of dating men with children. She met Ben at a mutual friend’s destination wedding and had a fling with him that continued once the wedding weekend came to an end. We were all surprised that their relationship continued and blossomed into an engagement because Ben has a son from a previous relationship. Julie said that they were able to make it work because Ben only had his son, Jalen, 50 percent of the time so she and Ben spent a lot of time together when Jalen was with his mom and then when he was with Ben, she was “around” but focused on her work, hobbies, and friends. Over the years, we saw the three of them together a few times and Julie had the role of “dad’s fun girlfriend.” Jalen seemed comfortable and friendly with Julie, much like all of the kids in our friend group are toward her (she doesn’t dislike children, just doesn’t want any).
About six weeks ago, Jalen’s mother passed away unexpectedly after a cardiac event. Shortly after the funeral, Julie broke off her engagement with Ben and moved out. Over brunch recently, she told me that once she found out that Ben wasn’t going to share custody of Jalen with his maternal grandparents, she decided that she couldn’t figure out a way to make it work with Jalen living with Ben full-time and decided to move on. She talked about how things might be different if Ben had been open to boarding school for Jalen or a shared custody arrangement with grandparents but she only signed on for being with someone with 50 percent custody, not 100 percent. I honestly shouldn’t be shocked—this is very on-brand for Julie, and something I probably would’ve admired about her in the past—the courage to know when a situation isn’t going to work and extricating oneself from it is not one that many know how to do.
However, all I can think is that Julie is a callous and selfish person! I know she did the right thing because it is better for Jalen to not grow up with a stepmother who resents his presence but she’s been in his life for six years! She was ready to marry Ben! I can’t wrap my head around the type of person who can just up and leave that matter-of-factly. My husband has become close to Ben the past few years and says Ben was blindsided and although he knew when they started dating she didn’t want kids, thought that she had at least accepted and liked Jalen. I guess the breakup conversation was pretty cold and emotionless and Ben says he’s never really seen that side of her except for when she was on a business call. Julie and I usually do a lot of things together during the holiday season and she has been texting to set up dates for us to get together but I just can’t bring myself to commit. I just don’t want to be around her as she talks like the past six years didn’t happen and she didn’t just break up with her fiancé because he wouldn’t send his kid to boarding school to make life more convenient for her. I hate feeling like this. I don’t have kids of my own so it’s not even like a maternal instinct is coming out. Julie has made decisions in the past that I don’t agree with but none have affected me quite like this. How do I get past this?
—Not Brave, Not Selfish
Dear Not Brave, Not Selfish,
For what it’s worth, I think Julie behaved with integrity. She did what a lot of people fail to do, which was to be honest with herself about her feelings and act accordingly rather than A) lying to herself, B) trying to force others to change, or C) making everyone around her miserable. As you mentioned, Jalen deserves better than a stepmother who resents his constant presence, and I think she knew that. If she’d continued the relationship, just imagine how things could have played out. Even if she managed to love Jalen and hide the fact that she wished he’d been shipped off to boarding school, she would not have had the relationship with Ben she wanted. I’m almost 100 percent sure they would have ended up splitting up over the tension caused by being full-time parents—and mind you, this could have happened after multiple years of Jaden growing more and more attached to her!
But you don’t have to agree with that assessment. If there is something you just don’t like or trust about a person who can’t pull out all the stops to put a child’s needs ahead of their own, that’s fair. And you should not have to be around someone whose causal attitude toward her life choices puts a knot in your stomach. If you don’t respect Julie or enjoy spending time with her, you don’t have to try to ignore your feelings. Also, if you try to suppress them it won’t work. Your judgment will come out in the way you treat her and neither of you will get what you need from the relationship. It’s time to create some distance. You know who’s set a great example for you to follow when it comes to getting out of a situation in which you don’t feel good, and aren’t able to be your authentic self? Julie.
Dear Prudence,
I am on the autistic spectrum, and I lack the ability to completely hide this—specifically, the longer or more interactions I have with a person. So, I am wondering when it comes to dating should I be up front and include this information in the about me profile and hope that someone is open to dating someone on the spectrum or try and hide this until the person starts making commits or asking questions as usual?
—Mask On or Off
Dear Mask On or Off,
I want to be careful not to suggest that you owe any of your personal health information to the many random people who may be perusing your dating profile on any given day. You don’t. But I think it does make sense to share it there, and maybe even mention it again in your initial “Hey, I liked your profile” chat, to cover those who think you’re cute and have swiped on you without reading a word of what you wrote.
When it comes to what exactly to say, put yourself in the mindset of sharing something about yourself in the way you might share it with a friend. You’re not giving a warning, telling a secret, or unloading baggage—you’re helping your potential date get to know you. How you put it will depend on your personality, how autism presents for you, and what the topic you’re discussing is, but I could imagine something like “I’d love to meet up. Being on the spectrum, texting isn’t really my favorite,” or “I’m a big texter more than a talker—it might be an autism thing.” Or you could just work it into a casual update like “I’m good! I was just listening to a podcast about autism” or “Work was fine. My autism on top of remote work can be an interesting combination but I’m starting to get to know some of my coworkers better.”
Doing this will allow you to screen out people) who have negative feelings about your being on the spectrum, and will increase your chances of meeting someone who can relate to your experience. More importantly, you’ll be giving yourself the gift of dating free from what I can only imagine is an incredibly draining internal dialogue (Have they noticed? Am I masking? Should I stop masking? Are they going to ask a question? Should I make an announcement? Before or after the entrée arrives?) that distracts from your ability to enjoy yourself and get to know potential romantic partners. Dating is tough enough without all that.
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Dear Prudence,
In five months, I’ll be graduating from college and moving across the country. I’m super excited about that. I also just met a guy two months ago and every time we’ve run into each other, we end up sitting together for hours talking. We talk about everything; he’s always interested in my thoughts from cooking to philosophical questions. I also ask him these sorts of questions. I think he likes me as he can’t stop looking at me in group settings and others say he starts smiling brightly when he sees me. I feel really happy when I think of him. The issue is he’s a junior so we’ll be separated by a six-hour plane ride next year. What sort of relationship structure should I propose since there’s a clear end date but I want to get involved with him romantically?
—December-to-May Romance
Dear December-to-May Romance,
When you say, “What sort of relationship structure should I propose?” I’m imagining you presenting him with a slide deck that lists options from “friends with benefits with the option for long-distance visits if approved by both parties” to “monogamous relationship for four months with a one month wind-down period” and ends with a recommendation before asking for questions or comments. You may be taking too formal an approach to this. I do understand the urge to plan things out. Maybe that’s your way of trying to make sure that you won’t get hurt. Understandable. But I have bad news: That’s impossible! People change, feelings change, love is unpredictable and we rarely get the exact relationship we imagine when we decide we like someone and they like us back.
The most important sentence in your letter, in my opinion, is, “I feel really happy when I think of him.” Let’s keep that going. Give yourself more to feel happy about. Propose a date. Not an entire relationship, but a date! Check in with yourself afterward. Are you still feeling happy? Do you still have the sense that he likes you? Keep hanging out! Keep assessing whether it feels good. He’ll be doing the same on his end. Over the course of five months, you could get tired of each other or realize you’re better off as friends. One of you might meet the love of your life and ghost the other (I hope not! But it might happen). Or you might decide you want to spend the rest of your lives together, and suddenly a six-hour flight won’t seem too bad. There are thousands of other possibilities in between. But there’s not much you can do right now to determine how you’ll each feel in May. All you know for sure is that you like this guy and the clock is ticking. Make your move.
After my parents divorced when I was a teen, my father (with whom I’ve never been very close) remarried another woman, and they were together almost 20 years. A year ago, she died of cancer. She was survived by a sister, who recently lost her husband. My father and his sister-in-law have been spending an awful lot of time together lately, and he constantly finds reasons to bring her name into our conversations.
