Help! My Ex Confessed That His Marriage Is a Sham. Then I Saw His Social Media Announcement.

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Prudence,

I broke up with “Jon” because our lives were incompatible. He wanted kids and I didn’t. We broke up with no hard feelings and he ended up getting married to “Sue” a mutual friend of ours. We all drifted apart. I traveled and worked overseas while Jon and Sue settled down and had a son together. Jon recently reconnected with me over social media. He confessed his marriage was a sham, he wanted to leave but couldn’t because of his son, and never had it so good as when we were together. He wanted to meet up and relive our good times together. I messaged Jon that wasn’t a good idea and he needed to turn inward to find the solution to his unhappiness whether it was marriage counseling or a divorce. I would have just left it at that.

My dilemma is that on social media, Sue and Jon announced they were trying for another baby after Sue last miscarried. The miscarriage was right around the time that Jon was messaging me. I was never close to Sue but I would definitely want to know if my partner was trying to cheat on me while I was going through a medical crisis. I certainly wouldn’t want to leave someone in the lurch with a kindergartener and baby while their partner played around but I am also leery of getting shot as the messenger here. What should I do? Make an anonymous post to Sue’s social media that she needs to check on Jon because he is trying to cheat on her? Tell Sue directly? I haven’t told any of our friends because I don’t want the story to get out without me wanting it.

—Right in the DMs

Dear Right in the DMs,

Easy: Stay out of it. People do all kinds of dumb things when they are having a hard time. Marriage and kids are tough. Assume and hope that Jon was just “having a moment” that you were right to steer clear of. If he ends up being a serial sneaker, Sue will put it together in her own time.

Dear Prudence,

I am 24 years old and have come to a crossroads in my life and relationship. My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half. To be honest, I’ve been unsure of our relationship in the past, but we’ve recently reached such a good, comfortable place. I think we may even be in love. He is respectful and trustworthy. We are both musicians. We hardly fight and enjoy the same things but still challenge each other. Most of the boxes are checked off except for one.

I want to move away from our hometown and give my dream a shot while he wants to stay put. I know he’s the more responsible one, but I also know that if I compromise my life for a man, I may regret it down the line. I explained this to him a few months ago, and we decided to enjoy our remaining time together before we were pulled out separate ways. He doesn’t want to do long distance which is understandable. An opportunity recently arose for me to move to California in the upcoming year with friends to room with, so I started planning and had my mind set while still wishing in the back of my mind that things would work out between us. However, I knew I couldn’t stay for him because I felt that there was no way I could move forward with my life staying in the same place. We live in the smallest city shy of opportunity or excitement. I live with my parents, work at my family’s restaurant, and have a degree I don’t use. I feel stuck here. Though I love my hometown and family, I’ve lived here all of my life and feel I have overstayed my welcome. He lives with his parents too but has started his career. He has a long-term plan to save enough money, invest, buy a house, be financially stable, etc. I think that’s so admirable of him, but it also makes me feel ashamed of wanting to give myself a shot somewhere new. Still, my mind was made up to move and face the consequences.

That was until a few days ago when he asked me to move in with him in a two-bedroom apartment somewhere in Texas. I was completely caught off guard. I could picture a future with this guy, a comfortable little life for us, but now I’m left wondering if I should accept his offer over the opportunity I had set in my mind. If he’s willing to compromise, should I be too? It’s not exactly where I had in mind, but at least it’s something. Will I be filled with regret down the line? Will I regret sacrificing my relationship for a hopeless silly little dream? Will I regret compromising my dream for my relationship? I have no idea what to do. It feels like either way, I lose.

—Hopeless Dreamer

Dear Hopeless Dreamer,

You are thinking about your dilemma entirely the wrong way. You have options! Options are good! Options are amazing! And it sounds like you have two really viable ones in front of you. Both get you out of your hometown, which was your primary goal. So now you just need to drill down on the details, and figure out what you really want at this point in your (young) life.

The opportunity of moving to “somewhere in Texas”—and I do think it matters a lot where this somewhere is—would get you out of your parents’ house and keep your relationship intact. Your boyfriend sounds nice and your life together is comfortable, and you’d get to have that support even while you set off for something new. But, I see a little red flag when you referred to his offer of moving to “somewhere in Texas” as a “compromise.” Is it? It sounds more like a surprise emergency plan so he doesn’t lose you, sprung on you without your input. Why Texas? Do you want to live there? Did this proposal feel like a gesture toward what you want, or just a gesture? Why a two-bedroom? (I mean, that’s fine, but I’m curious why you mentioned this detail.) These things are all important!

Meanwhile, California offers something completely different: new place, living with friends after school for what I assume is the first time, setting out on entirely new adventures. And yes, surely new boyfriends. As someone who moved to a new city after college with one single friend and only a vague idea of what my life might turn out to be, I can tell you that I learned a lot about myself and what I wanted my life to be like by being on my own for a while. It was nice not to have to worry about anyone else’s wants, or even how they wanted or didn’t want to spend money.

To pursue either one though you are going to have to free yourself of what sounds like guilt for not following the safest path in front of you, which would be staying in your hometown and seeing how things play out with your boyfriend, who is 1000 percent more responsible and future-thinking than I or anyone I dated at your age. It’s your life, you’re free to do what you want with it. I will say, there aren’t a lot of opportunities to just leap into the unknown. If that prospect is exciting to you, I’d recommend you do it now.

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Dear Prudence,

I will be getting married in a few months. We are planning and paying for the wedding ourselves. Our save-the-date cards went out a few weeks ago and my mother called me because her sister didn’t get one. I explained that we were not inviting my aunt. She is a lovely woman, but she had a daughter who was the same age as me who passed away when we were in high school. My cousin and I were very close and having her mother at my wedding will remind me of how tragically my cousin’s life was cut short. I also think it might be hard for my aunt to attend my wedding. I’m sure my milestones make her think of all the things her daughter never got to do. My mom is very upset because we are inviting the rest of the extended family. She says my aunt’s feelings will be hurt. I’ve tried to explain my reasons to my mom, but somehow by the end of every conversation about this, I end up looking like the bad guy. I’d like to think of a way to make my mom understand my position, or at least to just back off.

—It’s a Wedding, Not a Funeral

Dear It’s a Wedding,

Oof. I hear you saying that you feel you are doing this, at least in part, for your aunt’s feelings, but I have to say that I side with your mom on this one. I know there is a “we’re paying, we can do what we want” tautology at work here, but given that you are inviting the rest of your extended family, it sounds doubly cruel not to at least extend the invitation to your aunt. If it doesn’t feel right to her, she can decline. And let me tell you: As someone who has had not one but two weddings, you’ll be too busy focusing on yourself and your partner to get distracted by your aunt’s presence.

—Hillary

I’m bisexual and genderqueer, and I live with my long-term partner, also genderqueer. I have a very uncomfortable relationship with my mother due to her alcoholism and drug abuse and the fact that she stole my identity to open credit cards before I turned 18. She also waged a hate-mail campaign against me when I came out and brought a lot of abusive men into my life growing up. I now live in another country and limit our contact to phone calls on birthdays and holidays. She recently moved and, during one of our holiday calls, mentioned that she’d found a box full of letters, poems, and pictures from my first high school boyfriend.