Help! I Don’t Want to Give Anyone a Plus-One to My Wedding.

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Prudence,

I (32F) just got engaged to my partner (37M). Yay! We are on the same page about wanting a domestic destination wedding with our immediate families and a couple of our closest friends. The two friends he’s inviting are unmarried, and though they both have partners we like, we do not plan on inviting their partners and both feel fine about that decision. The issue is that the two friends I’d like to invite are both married… and I don’t like their husbands. They’re fine, but I only have cordial relationships with them, and I don’t really want two men I barely know at my micro wedding alongside our 13 nearest and dearest loved ones. Is it OK to not give a plus-one to a married wedding guest?

—It’s Not You, It’s Him

Dear It’s Not You,

This is the thing about wedding-planning decisions that make things harder and less fun for your guests: They’re a lot like saying the N-word. It’s a free country, and you can do what you want! But you can’t do the thing that upsets other people and expect not to suffer any consequences when it comes to what they say about you, how they feel about you, or the choices they make about being around you.

So, yeah, you can not give a plus-one to a married guest. It’s technically OK. The wedding police won’t show up at your door. It’s your event, you’re paying for it, you have an interest in being surrounded by people you actually like and feel close to, and you make the rules. But I can’t tell you that this decision won’t come back to bite you. Your friends will almost certainly complain behind your back. They may be resentful that what they imagined would be a nice domestic couple’s getaway around your nuptials has turned into being alone for all of their travel time and much of the wedding weekend. They might feel awkward without having their person to lean on at the rehearsal dinner and reception. This could change the energy they bring to the event. Perhaps they’ll be less likely to be fun on the dance floor or less cheerful in general. They might very well decide not to attend. And the effects could linger after you say your vows, as the snub has the potential to reshape the way they think about their relationship with you. Will they travel as a couple a few years from now for the big party you plan for your husband’s 40th when you actually want both of them to attend? Will they leave their husbands alone yet again next year to attend your baby shower? If they chose not to, I wouldn’t blame them.

You can see where I’m going with this. If you don’t actively dislike these husbands or worry that they’ll ruin your day, the smart choice is to let them come. The presence of a couple of people you aren’t super close to will not take away from the good vibes around your day. The presence of friends who are irritated or disappointed about your choices and quietly mumbling about your bridezilla tendencies will. Not that you asked, but let the unmarried friends have plus-ones too! Your wedding isn’t just about you and your spouse (if that were the case, you’d just go to the courthouse alone). It’s about your relationships with the people who are going to go way out of their way to celebrate and support you. One huge way to show your appreciation and keep the support going is to act as if you care about their experience of the event.

Sometimes even Prudence needs a little help. This week’s tricky situation is below. Submit your comments about how to approach the situation here to Jenée, and then look back for the final answer here on Friday.

Dear Prudence,

I’ve recently had a couple of major life changes. I lost my grandmother and my father within the span of 10 months and my priorities and what I want out of life have changed. I’m no longer interested in going out to clubs and parties and getting really messed up. However, my friends still want to do that and keep inviting me to these kinds of events. They’re getting annoyed that I decline their invitations or leave nights early. How do I explain what’s up without sounding condescending?

—Change of Lifestyle

Dear Change of Lifestyle,

The options are endless and the theme of all of them is “It’s not you, it’s me.” Because it is! Here are some ideas:

“I’m still mourning and don’t feel like going out.”
“I guess I’m getting older. There’s something about going to bed at ten o’clock that just thrills me these days.”
“I think I’m in my homebody and wellness era.”
“I truly can’t handle hangovers anymore.”
“I’m not up for it this weekend but do you think everyone would want to go to brunch Sunday morning? I can make a reservation.”
“I’m going to leave on a high note before my feet start to hurt.”

What you’ll want to watch out for is actually feeling condescending because that will come through regardless of what you say. Try to remember that your new outlook is different, not better. Remember that it’s normal to change and evolve. Remember that it’s great that your friends are having fun, and also that you might one day want to party with them again! If you keep this in mind instead of secretly believing you have unlocked a new, better, deeper, level of life, you won’t offend anyone.

Submit your questions anonymously here. (Questions may be edited for publication.) 

Dear Prudence,

My husband Joe sometimes exaggerates and embellishes, or misremembers incidents, and gets very irate if I correct him. To be clear, this isn’t something that happens a lot, and I’ve learned to just let it go if he tells a random waiter we’ve been together for 17 years when it’s really 19 or tells a friend I made lasagna for dinner Saturday night when it was actually Wednesday night. But there are times when he’ll give people incorrect information and I feel like being accurate and honest is more important. For instance, when he told friends that my daughter’s boyfriend lived with us for several months because his home life was toxic. Joe became testy when I said, “Well, actually, he was just here on the weekends.” He later told me not to correct him when he was talking to someone.

Recently, Joe told my elderly father that I fell down the stairs. Joe wasn’t there when it happened, and I’d told him I fell AFTER coming down the stairs when I mentioned the incident. Now my father is telling people I fell down the stairs—even though I’ve reminded him twice what the sequence of events was. When I brought this to Joe’s attention, he said I’m being nitpicky, and the detail didn’t really matter. I think the details do matter, and accuracy is important—especially when I’m getting phone calls from family lecturing me about being careful on the stairs! This is really bothering me, but I know bringing it to Joe’s attention will be a big deal and he will be defensive and have hurt feelings. Do I just grin and bear it, or is the truth as important as I feel it is?

—The Truth Is Out There, Isn’t It?

Dear the Truth,

“Is the truth important?” is a fascinating question. It is also the wrong one here. Focusing on this is obscuring the real issue, which is that Joe is kind of an asshole to you. Let’s review: He says things that aren’t true about you. He gets irate if you correct him. He completely disregards your feelings about your loved ones receiving false information about you. His past behavior is such that you fear bringing a reasonable complaint to him because you know he’ll get defensive and play the victim. I know—I just absolutely know, despite only having the information in this letter—that this isn’t the only area in which he does whatever he wants without any concern for how it makes you feel. And I know it’s not the only thing you’re scared to talk to him about because you know his reaction will be dismissive or cruel—or worse, he’ll make you feel like you’ve done something wrong.

Reasonable people can probably disagree about whether the difference between “fell down the stairs” or “fell down after walking down the stairs” is meaningful. I tend to side with you that it matters, for the reasons you stated. But there’s no debate about whether a partner should listen to you and care about how you feel. Yours doesn’t and you should absolutely not “grin and bear it.” Tell him the truth about your feelings.

I took over an apartment lease after I broke up with my boyfriend. It was a friend of a friend of a friend. “Kim” and I don’t have much in common, but we are both quiet and clean, so it is better than most. On Friday, Kim told me she was “going out” and didn’t have any luggage. She wasn’t home by Saturday afternoon, so I started to get concerned. I called and texted her but no response. I didn’t want to call the police, but during college, several young women went missing and were later found dead. One lived on my floor. The first 48 hours are the most critical in missing people cases. I went online and went through Kim’s social media and found her parents and older sister.