How to Help Your College Freshman Transition Home for the Holidays

If your child recently went away to college, coming back home for the holidays can be challenging for everyone involved. Here's how to help.

Medically reviewed by Samantha Mann

Having your college freshman home for the holidays is probably something you have been looking forward to since you dropped them off at campus four months ago. And though you have likely adjusted to passing their empty room and may have even developed a new normal, you're likely also excited to be reunited with them for an extended period of time.

But before you put the cart before the horse (or the sleigh before the reindeer?) and plan an action-packed, holiday-themed break to remember, it is important to know what to expect in order to make the transition home as smooth as possible for everyone involved.

After all, the child that you dropped off at their dorm room for freshman year is not necessarily the same person who is coming back home for an extended break, says Ulrick Vieux, DO, director of child and adolescent psychiatry education and training at Hackensack University Medical Center. “Your child has had new experiences, including navigating a level of freedom [they have] never had before. Understanding this growth is essential to having a positive visit.”

Here’s what else you can expect during holiday break as well how to cope, set boundaries, and enjoy your time together.

Related: How Strict Parents Can Actually Make Their Teens More Rebellious

What to Expect When Your College Freshman Returns Home for the Holidays

According to Dr. Vieux, the biggest challenge that parents face when their kids come home  during winter break is the challenge of expectation. You may want to spend all of your time together, but your child may want to unwind, catch up on sleep, or reconnect with old friends.

It’s important for parents to anticipate these things and not feel offended or disappointed, Dr. Vieux says. “Consider that this is not a rejection of the family, and be flexible about supporting your child's eagerness to spend time with high school friends. Parents can make the mistake of trying to monopolize their child's time when they're back home.”

Instead, he suggests making communication a priority. Find out how much time your child will have for family activities and what they might like to do. “[You also should] specifically discuss expectations regarding household chores, sleep schedules, use of the family car, and what is a realistic time for your college kid to come back after a night out, with your understanding that on campus, they have a great deal of freedom.”

Try to also be mindful that your child is becoming an adult and respect that change. But also recognize that they may cherish certain comforts of being back home—the smell of the coffee brewing in the morning, the innocent joy of walking the dog, and many other specific experiences that are unique to your family are a welcome and meaningful part of coming back home for your child, Dr. Vieux says.

“In fact, some of those chores that weren't favorites before they went off on their own to school may actually no longer be unpleasant, as they bring back feelings of being part of the family and a contributing member of the household,” he says.

Ways to Cope With Your College Freshman's Newfound Independence

It can be challenging to embrace your college student's newfound independence. But you want to avoid treating them like the kids they were before they left for school, says Jeffrey R. Gardere, PhD, associate professor of behavioral medicine at Touro College of Osteopathic Medicine in Harlem.

“These people may be young, but they are no longer kids, since they have become more independent,” he says. “[This can be] shocking for some parents, but..take a breath and reframe this new independence as not a rebellion, but a natural and needed maturational change.”

Remember, attending college away from home is a milestone for your child. They are likely making important personal and career decisions at this point in their life, and learning to establish their own boundaries away from the structure and rules of their family home, Dr. Vieux says. “This not only has an impact on their development, but on the family dynamics, as well.”

He suggests making a commitment to enjoy this time and pick your battles. Your child is transitioning to adulthood, so a level of independence and respect is warranted. “Feel secure that you raised your child with love and strong guidance,” he says.

Tips for Making the Transition Home During the Holidays Easy on You Both

Since being away for a semester, your teen may have become accustomed to a new level of independence and self-sufficiency, says Katie Hurley, DSW, LCSW, senior clinical advisor, The Jed Foundation (JED).

“They are also likely to be exhausted from a semester of hard work and competing demands,” she says. “It’s reasonable to expect that college students will keep different hours than their parents, need time to catch up on rest, and have some feelings about returning to previous expectations around curfews, schedules, and other boundaries.”

Here are some ways you can make sure they get what they need—and you get what you need, too.

Encourage Self Care

Once your young person is home, or even before they get there, encourage them to practice self-care, Dr. Hurley says. Making space for rest and relaxation is important to set them up for success for the remainder of the school year.

“Check in with your college student to see what they need to rest and recover,” Hurley says. “The stress of college life is often overlooked. Each student is different, and will have different needs for taking time to recover, so it’s important to listen and empathize with students as they reintegrate into the home.”

Reframe Your Thinking

The holidays also are a good opportunity for parents to reframe their thinking about what it means to spend time together, Dr. Hurley says. “Connection occurs in all kinds of ways; parents don’t need to focus on big outings and traditions. Ask your college student what traditions they still look forward to, how they want to spend their time at home, and what kinds of things they want to do with the family.”

Then focus on savoring meals together, enjoying a cup of hot chocolate, and spending time watching holiday movies, she adds. “Your college student wants to see you, too, but how you spend your time together might look a little different than how you imagine it to be.”

Be Clear About Your Expectations

It’s always reasonable to expect kids to pitch in around the house, no matter their age, Dr. Hurley says. The key to a smooth transition is stating your expectations clearly instead of simply assuming your college student will pick up on cues to clean their room, do their laundry, or put away their dishes.

As for spending money, if your college student has their own money, Dr. Hurley suggests leaving them to it. But if they’re looking for you to help them out while they are home, it’s a good idea to talk about budgets, spending habits, and how much you’re willing and able to spend.

It also helps to be clear about expectations around daily living needs of the family, she says. “If you expect your student to be home by a certain time, talk to them about it. Explain your thinking and work together to create boundaries that work for everyone.”

Meet Them Where They Are

Dr. Hurley suggests meeting your student where they are. If they tend to be a planner and like structure, go ahead and discuss those expectations in advance, she says. It’s best to approach the conversation by saying something like, “I know you have a lot on your mind with finals, is now a good time to discuss vacation or would you rather wait?”

“It’s safe to assume that many college students experience stress during finals, and it might be best to wait until they get home and catch up on some rest,” Dr. Hurley says.

Acknowledge Differences Between School and Home

It also can help your teen if you acknowledge the differences between school life and home life. Then, work together to establish healthy boundaries that meet both the practical needs of the adult and the social needs of the student.

Also help them navigate their independence by avoiding the urge to schedule something every day of the week or setting expectations around being productive, Dr. Hurley says. “At the same time, it’s perfectly reasonable to set a curfew to promote safety and sleep.”

When to Be Concerned

When your child returns home after being gone for a number of months, it can be hard to gauge behavioral changes. That said, it’s helpful to think about how their behaviors impact their abilities to attend to their daily lives, communicate and socialize, and generally enjoy their vacation, says Hurley.

“If your child is struggling to get out of bed, you notice big shifts in eating patterns, or they are avoiding friends, family, and activities they usually enjoy, it’s a good idea to get an assessment, as these can be signs of depression,” she says.

If you are unsure where to start or how to discuss mental health with your child, Hurley says JED has curated a list of 10 tips on how to talk to your teen about their mental health as well as a guide on how to navigate difficult conversations. You can find these resources at JED’s Mental Health Resource Center.

You also can contact the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357 for information on support and treatment facilities in your area.

Related: How to Emotionally Prepare for Sending Your Kid to College

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