Help! I Cherished a Local Grocery Store Worker. Then My Mom Sabotaged Her.
Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Prudence,
I am a single mom struggling to make ends meet. I have two teenage sons who are basically hollow legs. When I go grocery shopping, I always stop to say hi to “Mary.” Mary does the markdowns and will usually point out the great deals or specials for me. Getting a bunch of frozen pizzas for less than a third of the price puts me back in the black. I made the mistake of mentioning Mary to my mother. My mother works full-time and is the primary caregiver for my grandmother. She has little time for herself.
Well, my mother tracked down Mary and Mary helped her find several expensive foods that my grandmother could actually eat that had been reduced in price. She advised my mother about keeping track of when the items get reduced and when the best time is to shop. My mother tried to treat Mary like her own personal shopper. She would call up the store asking for Mary and try to get her to set aside the deals (which is against store policy). Mary was sympathetic and did it a few times—only my mother refused to show up when she said she would. It would be hours after Mary’s shift ended and the food was put back on the floor. So my mother decided to complain to the store manager and got Mary written up!
I didn’t find any of this out until I went grocery shopping again and spoke with Mary. She bitterly explained what happened and I realized it was my mother. I wanted the ground to swallow me whole, I was so embarrassed. When I confronted my mother, she didn’t think she did anything wrong. Her time is apparently more valuable than a retail worker and Mary had offered to help. My outlook on my mother is completely different now. I am just aghast that she thinks this way. I want to make it up to Mary somehow but every gesture feels hollow. What should I do, if anything?
—No Good Deed
Dear No Good Deed,
It’s time to speak to the manager! In a good way. Find him or her and explain what happened. Do not share that Mary was your secret source for markdown news because I’m not sure if that would be frowned upon. Just say this: “Unfortunately, my mother, who is dealing with a lot of stress, lashed out and made some unfair allegations against Mary. Mary has always been extraordinarily helpful to me. She’s friendly, professional, and a great representative of your store. I’m deeply concerned that what my mom said, which I have reason to believe was not accurate, will interfere with her future here.” How many other friends do you have who shop at this store? Neighbors? Community members? Ask as many people as you can send you a short blurb about how great Mary is and end the conversation by handing those to her boss.
Also, it sounds like your mom is at her breaking point when it comes to the stress of caregiving. Maybe you could do the research for her (or better yet, assign your teen boys to do it) and point her in the direction of a support group where she could vent to others who are in similar roles, rather than lashing out at people who are trying to help her.
Dear Prudence,
I (38F) grew up the only girl of five siblings. During those years, I found it did me little good to become grossed out at every little thing the boys did, and now, I’m able to tolerate a wide range of behavior and conditions. But I’m concerned that this dubious skillset has clouded my judgment about an issue I’m having with my partner, “Luke,” who is, of course, ideal in every way except one.
Luke is a great guy who prides himself on excellent hygiene and impeccable manners. Unlike me, he’s also unduly embarrassed by random bodily functions. Any such emissions from him pass unremarked upon by either of us in order to spare him embarrassment (although I’ve assured him over and over that it’s totally normal). Recently, I quit smoking, and my sense of smell has dramatically improved. Thanks to this, I have just discovered that apparently, Luke pays dearly for withstanding such pressure during the day—and now I’m paying for it, too. When Luke is asleep and relaxed, the expressions of his digestive system could peel paint.
When I smoked, I had no idea this was going on. But now, I can’t be in half of our house when Luke has, um, issues to work through in his sleep. It’s as if my sinuses are being power-washed with a mixture of rotten eggs and skunk spray. Luke would be mortified to know this. I don’t want to embarrass him, but frankly, I just want this insidious stench sent back to Hell, where it came from. I’m open to anything from having him take Beano to using charcoal filtering sheets, or perhaps I could hire a stunt double for bedtime? Is it fair for me to ask this of him? After all, it’s a normal human function. Am I being selfish? Should I just buy the Beano and tell him fairly that everyone could use it? What is the kindest thing to do here?’
—Sleepless in SoCal
Dear Sleepless,
My first thought was that you shouldn’t say anything at all to Luke, because he’d be mortified and unable to really do much about the issue, other than staying up all night to monitor and control his bodily functions. But then I poked around on the internet and it turns out there are a few solutions to his issue (at least according to Healthline’s “How Do I Stop Farting” coverage). So here’s the plan: Unfortunately, you’re going to need to let out a few toots around him, so you can model calm and self-acceptance in their wake. You’ll still say, “Excuse me” and everything. But the idea is to demonstrate that you are not embarrassed. Sometimes showing is better than telling.
Once you’ve set the “We all have bodies that do strange things and it’s OK” tone, say, “Crazy question but have you ever heard me pass gas in my sleep?” When he says no respond with, “That’s weird because most people do at some point. Maybe you’re a heavier sleeper. Anyway, I’ve definitely heard you.” When he starts to turn red, say, “It’s so cute how make a big deal about something everyone in the world does!” and then change the subject. Believe me, if I know anything about Luke, it’s that he will be mortified and that will motivate him to spring into action to fix the problem. Your conversation will be over but his internet search (similar to the one I just did) will have just begun. If, over the next few days, he tells you he’s working on exercising more, starting a probiotic supplement, or avoiding carbonated beverages, politely pretend that you don’t have any idea why.
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Dear Prudence,
My wife and I have two very good friends who are going through a separation and potentially a divorce. We are very close to both of them. I’ve talked to both separately, and can see both sides of the issues, and where the perceived and actual faults are. We may be the only friends of the couple that are talking to both. I don’t want to take sides though, and want to figure out how we can be the best possible friend to both—even when they may have been infidelity. I’m not sure how to navigate this.
—Not Sure How to Deal
Dear Not Sure How to Deal,
They’re not even getting divorced for sure yet! It sounds like this is a “working on things” separation, and there’s no reason to make any tough choices at the moment. Imagine how awkward it would be if you cut one of them off and then they reconciled.
But if it gets to the point where there’s real animosity, and no hope of your two friends getting back together, a line from 15-year-old Prudie’s favorite TV Show, My So-Called Life, comes to mind: “Grow up Graham, and choose a side.” I have a hard time believing you feel exactly equally close to each of the members of this couple. Which one is your real friend? Which one would it hurt more to lose? You have to know this! If you really, sincerely cannot decide, choose the one who was the victim rather than the perpetrator of infidelity.
My friend has always been delighted that she had a “rom-com” relationship. After being a bit of a wallflower in school and not very successful dating as an adult, she ran into an old schoolmate at our reunion and had a whirlwind courtship, marriage, and stepkids. I was recently told by someone that her husband had been burned by his (beautiful/popular/outgoing) ex and had told them at the reunion that he was going to “settle” for my friend when he saw her.
