Help! My Boyfriend’s Reaction to His Brother’s Death Is Deeply Unsettling.

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Prudence,

I have been going out with my thoughtful, sweet boyfriend for just over a decade. One of the things that I particularly love about him is that he never loses his cool and nothing phases him. He never raises his voice and never gets upset. Recently, though, I have begun to wonder if this is a massive red flag. His brother died and he basically shrugged. He helped his family but he never showed any emotion, didn’t even take time off work, and seemed completely unaffected. It’s not the first time, he played squash an hour after his mother died and went to dinner with friends that night. I am starting to wonder if he is a psychopath or just deeply repressed, even though he has never been anything but kind. This doesn’t feel normal. Is it? Am I wrong to be worried?

Dear Ice Cool,

I’m much more interested in your boyfriend’s actual actions than I am in the number of tears he sheds or the amount of PTO he requests after a loss. You say he helped his family after his brother’s death, and that he’s generally kind. That’s reassuring. Does it line up with other things you’ve noticed in your decade together? Does he keep his promises? Is he understanding when you are upset about something? Does he show up for his loved ones? Does he make an effort to avoid doing things that might hurt others? I hope so. And if he checks these boxes, it’s safe to say you’re dealing with a person who is unusually unemotional (Is that “normal”? Maybe not, but it’s OK to not be outside the norm) and has unique ways of coping with sadness, grief, and frustration. Maybe that’s simply the way he’s wired, or maybe it’s the result of the way his life experiences have shaped him. It might be unsettling to observe. But it doesn’t make him a serial killer.

The only real concern I have is about the fact that, after 10 years, you don’t seem to feel secure about who this guy is or feel that you truly know him. A nagging “Am I dating a psychopath?” question after such a long relationship is a red flag in itself. While what you shared in your letter may not point to anything troubling about his character, it does suggest that his personality has made it hard for you to create real intimacy with him. A person who never loses his cool is OK. But a person who never opens up enough to allow a life partner to understand him is a problem.

Dear Prudence,

Recently, I moved across the country after retiring from a demanding but great job. In the new location, I have family and dear friends, a couple I’ve known for almost 40 years. I feel supported and welcomed, but things also feel ambivalent. The husband offers advice, but he often dismisses my feelings and experiences. I am learning how to respond. His wife has been one of my most supportive friends, but since I’ve moved here, I am unsure how she feels about it. I don’t expect her to drop everything just because I am in the same city. I am highly sensitive given a recent short friendship I broke off in my previous city with a toxic and needy person. I bend over backward to be self-sufficient and respectful of my friends’ time, but I am unsure of where I fit in now that I live in the same city.

Dear Uncertain Friend,

The unfortunate truth is that some people—even people who like you and care about you very much—are not going to be able to show up for you as friends in the exact way you hope they will. And if they are able to, they might not be able to keep it up, depending on their schedules, mental health, responsibilities, other obligations, and whatever phases they may go through. Not to mention, what they personally think a healthy friendship looks like.

It’s tough. At least in romantic relationships, once you agree to be a couple, you can reasonably have certain expectations about how often your partner will see you and talk to you. And you know that if their feelings change, they’re likely to make some sort of announcement that will lead to a breakup. “Friend,” on the other hand, can mean anything from “We have one long unbroken conversation over text that never ends because we tell each other every thought that comes to us,” to “We hang out once a week,” to “We don’t communicate for years at a time but then pick up where we left off when we’re in person.” With that in mind, I urge you to focus less on assessing and evaluating your friendship and what’s going on in your friend’s head. (“How does she feel about me? What does she want? Does she think I’m needy?”) That could drive you nuts! And it could change over time. Also, it doesn’t matter, except to the extent that it shapes how she treats you. So pay attention to that instead. Start by thinking about how you want to feel and what you want to experience in this new chapter of your life, and whether this couple can be a part of that.

Based on what you’ve written, I’m taking several points away from the husband for dismissing your feelings and experiences and I’d suggest less time in one-on-one or small group conversations with him (activities or parties may be a better fit). And when it comes to his wife, simply think about what you’d enjoy doing with her. Lunch dates? Going for a run together? Joining the same book club? Then ask for it (and if it makes you feel better, add a “no pressure” or “I know you’re super busy so just let me know!”). The worst thing she can say is no. You may never get a clear answer about whether she sees you as a main character in her life but you will know whether she’s available to spend time with you in a way that makes yours feel richer. Isn’t that really the whole point?

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Dear Prudence,

I (mid-20s) have been with my partner for over a year, and friends for longer. I’m smitten with him, but also feel so nicely comfortable, appreciated, and loved with him—more so than anyone. He feels similarly. As our lives become more enmeshed, I find myself thinking more and more about a potential future: marriage, maybe kids, the whole shebang. But it is not something we’re ready for, which I know and emphatically agree with. But I can’t help but fantasize about this potential future with him, and I want to stop. I believe that I am thinking too far ahead, becoming so focused on this potential future that I’m rushing the present, being a touch naive, and setting myself up for disappointment now and then.

I am a rational person, but have before been distracted by daydreams. While I would not be married at all costs, I’m familiar with the sting of wanting something that another does not, realize that my emotions can get the better of me, and recently realized that some kind of partnership like this does mean a lot to me. I love my partner. I do see a future and want to see a future together. When the time is right, I’d like these things with him. I just want to stop obsessing over it now. Any advice on how to do that?’

Dear Daydream,

This is normal. You are normal. Daydreaming is fun. Excitement is a good feeling. Fantasizing is pleasant and can tell you a lot about yourself.

Regarding “setting myself up for disappointment,” I get that you don’t want to do that but I have news: If your partner breaks up with you, or if he does something that makes you break up with him, you are going to be disappointed. There’s no real way around it. You can’t protect yourself from that by not thinking about the future. Abandon the goal of managing your own thoughts in a way that avoids sadness down the line. Instead—and I get that this is not easy but it’s worth working on—try to build up enough trust in yourself that you believe you’ll ultimately be OK even if a breakup or another of life’s crappy events happens.

When it comes to wanting to enjoy the life you have right now, I have a strategy for you that lets you take advantage of your tendency to obsess over the future: Mentally put yourself in the shoes of the future fantasy you who is married to this guy and has a couple of kids and is living a very different (and in many ways, less fun) lifestyle. Ask yourself, “What would she want me to do right now? When she looks back on this time, what experiences will she be happy I had?” Use that as a springboard to think about the things you can do to really enjoy at this stage, which, if everything goes according to plan, will one day be known as “The good old days when I was footloose and fancy-free.” Some of this can involve your boyfriend. But the key is, that it should include all the stuff that makes you happy right now and might be more challenging to enjoy later, if your five or 10-year plan pans out and you’re both older and responsible for keeping kids alive and fed. Travel spontaneously, take random drives to a neighboring town and explore it, sleep in, work out and then sit in the sauna for a really long time, watch seven movies in a row on a Saturday, volunteer every Wednesday, host a Super Bowl party, get drunk and spend the whole next day lying on a blanket in the park rehydrating and recovering, take yoga teacher training—whatever! You’ll be glad you did the things that brought joy to the mid-20s version of you, whether you end up married to your current guy or someone else or no one at all.

Dear Prudence,

I am dating a brilliant but traumatized man who is also an alcoholic. I find that I can no longer deal with the person he becomes when he drinks too much. Among the reasons why he needs to see a therapist, he has abandonment anxiety. He has not taken the necessary steps to address his issues, and I am on the verge of breaking up with him but still love who he is at heart. What should I do?

—Ready for a New Chapter

Dear Ready for a New Chapter,

So, you like this person and have compassion for him but don’t enjoy dating him. You can continue to be his friend—someone who’s there for him when he’s sober, who he knows is always willing to help him get into recovery or therapy when he’s ready, but who does not interact with him when he’s drunk—while ending your romantic relationship. Tell yourself (and him, if you want) that if he stops drinking and starts to heal, you can always try again. And as you start dating again, the goal for your next relationship is to love who the person is at heart and also love the choices they make and the way they behave.

My roommate and I have been having more backyard fires as a safer way to see friends during the pandemic. Our one neighbor “K” is in her 50s and keeps inviting herself over when we are having a fire. She usually dominates the conversation, complaining about her kids or work, and she won’t take the hint to leave when we are ready to pack it in. We’ve tolerated it up until now because she doesn’t seem to have any friends of her own and the pandemic has been difficult for everyone. However, last night she crossed a line.