Help! My Boyfriend Keeps “Suggesting” Changes I Should Make to My Body.

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Prudence,

I have been dating my boyfriend for almost seven months now. He’s a good guy who says he loves me. For the most part, I believe he does, but he keeps saying something that annoys me. I’m a petite woman. I’m not a supermodel, but I keep myself pretty decently fit. Yet, he keeps saying things along the lines of, “Maybe you should try to get (your behind) a bit stronger. Maybe you should exercise a bit to get your stomach more defined.” He’s mentioned it more than once, and again, I know I don’t have a Hollywood material body, but I am not in bad shape. This makes me feel bad. It also makes me wonder why he’s with me if he thinks I should look physically different.

—Pressured to Change

Dear Pressured to Change,

I’m going to be incredibly generous here and stay open to the possibility that he had reason to think this was OK. For example, maybe you two met at the gym, maybe he was your trainer and telling you what muscle groups to work was part of his job, or maybe there was a huge misunderstanding when you said, “My love language is words of affirmation” because he had AirPods in and it got totally garbled and he thought you said, “words of nitpicking my body.” So he gets one warning. One!

Say: “I don’t like when you make comments suggesting I should change my physical appearance.” If he responds with anything other than, “Oh no, I am so sorry. You’re perfect the way you are. I don’t know what I was thinking but it ends today” (and then actually stops) you have to break up. This will only get worse as you two get further from the honeymoon period, especially if you stay together for a long time and your body inevitably changes. Plus, it makes me worry that he has a critical, insensitive, emotionally stunted personality—or worse, he wants to make you insecure as a means of controlling you. But we don’t even have to go there! Remember one of the most important rules of dating is that the right person for you will make you feel better, not worse. So wonder less about why he’s with you if he doesn’t like the way you look, and more about why you would want to be with him.

Dear Prudence,

A friend I have known for over 10 years is coming to visit me soon, and I don’t know how to handle it when she inevitably talks about her crush. Ana became fast friends with Nia about five months ago, and Ana fell in love with her very soon after. Nia is straight, but Ana is convinced they are in love with each other; this is a habit Ana has had since high school, where she assumes she knows a person’s mind better than themselves and projects her romantic feelings onto them. This time it is happening with Nia.

Ana believes that because she’s so emotionally mature and introspective, she knows the hidden meaning behind Nia’s words and actions. Nia has never told Ana that she is questioning her sexuality. As a queer person myself, I can sympathize with having a straight crush, but it makes me very uncomfortable to speculate so much about someone’s sexuality and feelings, taking apart their words and actions and assigning meaning to them to conclude something so personal. I generally believe that people should be taken at their word. I have only tried to lightly push back over the years when this habit comes up, but ultimately, this is Ana’s life and I don’t want to insert my judgments. She has agreed that it’s weird to speculate about a person’s sexuality, except when she does it. Ana talks about how convinced she is that Nia shares her feelings at least once a day. I know it will come up when she is visiting me, and I don’t think I will be able to hide my discomfort like I can over text; but it’s not like she asks for my opinion, she just talks about it. What should I do? She had a pretty recent falling out with two of her oldest friends, so she doesn’t have many people to go to; this friendship with Nia is a really big part of her life right now. I just don’t like the way she’s so convinced she knows what Nia really means. Would it be wrong to tell her that while I hope their friendship works out, I don’t want to hear about why she’s convinced Nia is actually in love with her?

—She’s Probably Not That Into You

Dear She’s Probably Not That Into You,

You wouldn’t be wrong to tell her. It would be honest and authentic to say what you think. And if you’re truly uncomfortable with any other option, go for it. You have my permission.

But, saying, “I don’t want to hear any more about your delusions about Nia!” is not something a good friend would do—at least not according to my thinking about what it means to be a good friend. I mean, what are friends for, if not to be kinder, gentler, and more accepting than a random person on Twitter who goes, “You’re very wrong and dumb and are actually pretty problematic for thinking that way”? I think friends err on the side of supporting each other, even when that support requires suspending disbelief a little, or joining in on a fantasy when that fantasy isn’t really harming anyone. I sort of hate an “I’m just blunt and tell it like it is” friend. That approach often provides cover for hanging out with people you don’t like and calling it friendship, while being a little mean the whole time.

So if you really do like and respect Ana—if it’s just this one thing that bothers you, and you don’t think she’s clueless and self-absorbed in other areas of life—maybe just let this one go. I’m not asking you to lie or compromise your values. But you say she’s not asking for your opinion, and it’s only once a day, so it shouldn’t be hard to find something to say. Options include, “That’s wild”; “This is intense”; “How are you feeling about it?”; “What do you think will happen next?”l or even playful pushback in the form of something like, “OK but I need you to have a crush on someone who’s openly queer too because Nia isn’t giving me enough material to analyze!”

Submit your questions anonymously here. (Questions may be edited for publication.) Join the live chat every Monday at noon (and submit your comments) here.

Dear Prudence,

I am the one sibling with a good career and no kids so I tend to get the big Santa gifts for my two nieces. They are 5 and 6. But my brother has just engaged to a woman with three kids of her own—and they both expect me to pony up three more major gifts for her kids when we all meet up for Christmas. First, I have never met this woman or her kids before. Second, this demand was sprung on me last week. Third, her kids are much older, don’t believe in Santa, and nothing on their wishlist is below $200. This feels like a hustle and a threat to ruin the holidays. I was going to get the kids some small gifts since they were coming but this is ridiculous. My tickets are non-refundable and I haven’t seen my family in over a year. What should I do?

—Holiday Hustle

Dear Holiday Hustle,

Will you have any support at this event? Are there any other family members there who are generally reasonable? I want you to go, but only if you can ensure that there will be at least one person present who understands that demanding you buy gifts for people you’ve never met is unhinged behavior. In response to the wishlist, say, “Unfortunately, these items are out of my budget but I’ll make sure to bring something small for them to open.”

If there won’t be anyone with an understanding of manners, budgeting, or the holiday spirit there, eat the cost of the plane ticket, spend the holiday with friends, and put your niece and nephews’ gifts in the mail. I would hate to have you miss the holiday with your family, but I also can’t imagine you’ll be missing out on much warmth and connection if you skip a visit with the type of people who would say, “Don’t show up without a PlayStation to give to virtual strangers.”

Last year my friend got an emotional support dog that I hate. My friend has chronic migraines and mental health issues and has been on disability for years. She really wants to work or volunteer regularly, but that’s not possible, so she’s often at loose ends. She said she wanted a cuddly lap dog, so I was surprised when she adopted a puppy. He doesn’t seem to even recognize my friend’s existence (or humans in general) until it’s time to hump a leg. What’s worse, I’m allergic to dog.